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Ears No One Reads

Remember those arcane credits for "The Ear No One Reads"? Unless you were paying attention during the "Journalism" module in your junior high school English class, you might not have even known what an ear was, newspaperwise, and so seeing how many people knew what and where the Ear No One Reads was drove you batty, didn't it? Well, since the Ear is no more, we'll tell you: it was on the upper-right hand corner of page F1 every Sunday. Never noticed it, did ya? That's why they called it the Ear No One Reads! Duh!

Truth is, lots of folks did read it and small percentage of them wrote it, from the Czar himself in his Faerie guise, to hard-core Losers, to people unknown to us but who got the joke and helped keep it going from Week 42 until the end of Year 5, when the Ear was doomed by the advent of the Post's fabulous new presses. For a short time in Year 6 Ear-like items appeared in various spots in the Sunday Style section before the whole concept followed the Faerie of the Fine Print into oblivion.

Sorry now that you missed out on all the fun? Don't worry, we here at gopherdrool.com have put together a compendium of Ears from the very first one through Year 5. You're welcome. We are still looking for Year 6 Ears. If you know where we can get them, please email Kyle Hendrickson at BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com.   

yEar 1

 


 -----Ears for Weeks 1-41 were plain old boring People/Fashion/Gardens, that type of thing-----

Week 42:

Mysteries of Life Unraveled
(12/19/93 no credit)

Week 43:

Walking on Eggshells With Hob-Nailed Boots
(12/26/93 no credit)

Week 44:

Raising Humor to New Depths
(1/2/94 no credit)

Week 45:

Twenty-Five Years of Error-Free Jounralism
(1/9/94 no credit)

Week 46:

Fearlessly Publishing Words Such As [EXPLETIVE]
(1/16/94 no credit. The seriously under-appreciated Faerie of the Ear No One Reads wishes to inquire as to whether anyone has noticed the Faerie's handiwork, and to solicit ideas for future weeks.)

Week 47:

So Hip We Need a Thighmaster
(1/23/94 no credit)

Week 48:

-----No Ear-----

Week 49:

What Are You Looking Up Here For?
(2/6/94 no credit)

Week 50:

Advertisements Attractively Displayed Between Words
(2/13/94 no credit)

Week 51:

Swimmin’ Pools, Movie Stars
(2/20/94 no credit)

Week 52:

Sophisticated Immaturity
(2/27/94 no credit)
yEar 2

Week 53:

Aldrich, call Boris
(3/6/94 no credit)

Week 54:

Home of the Ear No One Reads/Classified/Employment
(3/13/94 no credit)

Week 55:

'Peerless Quality Control' (upside down)
(3/20/94 no credit)

Week 56:

Top secret/Eyes only/Classified
(3/27/94 no credit)

Week 57:

A Gender-Free Workplace
(4/3/94 no credit)

Week 58:

Nothing Up Here About Whitewater/Classified
(4/10/94 no credit)

Week 59:

Page Numbers/Today's Date/Classified
(4/17/94 no credit)

Week 60:

Best If Used Before May 12
(4/24/94 no credit)

Week 61:

Printer: Insert Something Funny Here
(5/1/94 no credit)

Week 62:

Banned in Lenoir, N.C.
(5/8/94 no credit)

Week 63:

Fo fum fee
([immediately before the page number, F1]5/15/94 no credit)

Week 64:

-----The Missing Week-----

Week 65:

Semper
([immediately before the page number, F1] 5/22/94 no credit)

Week 67:

The High Point of the Page
(6/5/94 no credit)

Week 68:

Avant Tout, La Clarté
(6/12/94 no credit)

Week 69:

Ear's Looking at You, Kid
(6/19/94 no credit)

Week 70:

Well, YOU Try Being Droll in 10 Words Every Week
(6/26/94 no credit )

Week 71:


(7/3/94 no credit [The contest for the week was to caption photos from that day's paper. It includes a disclaimer that the Style section is printed a day early, so they don't know what pictures will be in the paper. There's also a Bob Staake cartoon showing a person with a silly grin reading the front page of the Style section. A thought bubble says, "Failed Commercial Product: Zit-in-a-tube."])

Week 72:

If U Cn Rd Ths Msj, Bg Dl
(7/10/94 no credit)

Week 73:

We're Not Wearing Any Underpants
(7/17/94 no credit)

Week 74:

Proudly Serving the Needs of the Elderly and Vision Impaired
(7/24/94 no credit)

Week 75:

You Can Pick Your Friends, But You Cannot Pick Your Ear
(7/31/94 no credit)

Week 76:

Void Where Prohibited
(8/7/94 no credit)

 

-----Czar went on vacation for a month-----

Week 77:

Don't Curse the Darkness, Light a Lampoon
(9/4/94 no credit)

Week 78:

Objects in the Ear Are Closer Than They Appear
(9/11/94 no credit)

Week 79:

For a Good Time Call 844-7329
(9/18/94 no credit)

Week 80:

-..  ---   -   ...   .-   .-..   .-..   ..-.   ---   .-..   -.-   ...
([Dots All Folks] 9/25/94 no credit)

Week 81:

Hammer/Anvil/Stirrup
(10/2/94 no credit)

Week 82:

A Deaf Ear
(["A Deaf Ear"] 10/9/94 no credit)

Week 83:

Page 9 Is Strictly Classified
(10/16/94 no credit)

Week 84:

Help, I'm Trapped in the Typesetting Machine
(10/23/94 no credit)

Week 85:

The Height of Low Humor
(10/30/94 no credit)

Week 86:

Next Week, This Will Be Really Clever
(11/6/94 no credit)

Week 87:

Avoiding Clichés Like the Plague
(11/13/94 no credit)

Week 88:

Specializing in ... Elliptical Thought
(11/20/94 no credit)

Week 89:

Fed Up? Fax 334-4312
(11/27/94 no credit)

Week 90:

Sound Off. Fax 334-4312.
(12/4/94 no credit)

Week 91:

Say, Should We Kill the Invitational?
(12/11/94 no credit)

Week 92:

Stories That Jump Off the Page
(12/18/94 no credit)

Week 93:

Join Our Ear-End Celebration
(12/25/94 no credit)

 

----- No Ears Weeks 94-99-----

Week 100:

You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone
( 2/12/95 no credit)

Week 101:

This is the First Page of the Rest of Your Newspaper
(2/19/95 no credit)

Week 102:

Mitnick Was Here
(2/26/95 no credit)

Week 103:

"Specializing in Accurate Attributions."-Camus
(3/5/95 no credit)
yEar 3

Week 104:

Shh. Act as Though Nothing Is Wrong.
(3/12/95 no credit)

Week 105:

It Is a Federal Offense to Remove This Tagline
(3/19/95 no credit)

Week 106:

WARNING: DO NOT EAT THIS SECTION. DO NOT IMMERSE IN WATER. INHALING PAGES COULD CAUSE SUFFOCATION.
(3/26/95 no credit)

Week 107:

Le Journal Sans Aucune Pretension
(no credit 4/2/95)

Week 108:

Set your clock ahead one hour tonight. In the morning, set it back.
(4/9/95 no credit)

Week 109:

ETAOINSHRDLU
(4/16/95 no credit)

Week 110:

We Pander to No One, Not Even Our Wonderful Advertisers
(4/23/95 no credit)

Week 111:

Integrity First. We Are Not For Sale. Classifieds, Page F10.
(4/30/95 no credit )

Week 112:

We Respect All Our Readers, Even the Morons
(5/7/95 no credit)

Week 113:

Imus Be Mistaken
(no credit 5/14/95)

Week 114:

Fashion, Leisure and the Occasional Grisly Murder
(5/21/95 The Faerie of the Fine Print and The Ear No One Reads hereby solicits ideas for The Ear No One Reads, such as today's, written by Jacob Weinstein of McLean. Winning entrants receive their choice of 1) official mention in this column or, 2) dysentery.)

Week 115:

We're in Your Corner Every Week
(5/28/95 no credit)

Week 116:

Featuring Sequentially Numbered Pages
(6/4/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 117:

Lots of Ads Scattered Willy-Nilly, Plus Some That Are/Classified
(6/11/95 no credit)

Week 118:

Lift Here to Open
(6/18/95 Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Week 119:

We Know Who You Are and What You Are Reading
(Lori C. Fraind, Reston, 6/25/95)

Week 120:

Third Runner-Up, Edward R. Morrow Great Journalism Award
(7/2/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 121:

Featuring Many Fine Photos You Can Color Yourself
(7/9/95 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 122:

Making the Outlook Section Look Like Real News
(7/16/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 123:

Perfect For Making Huge Origami Cranes
(7/23/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads would like to observe that we have begun getting tormented letters from people who don't know what The Ear No One Reads is and want to find out. We feel their pain.)

Week 124:

Serving Size: 1/2 Page. Servings Per Container: 16
(7/30/95 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 125:

You Think That Serrated Edge Up There Was Easy?
(8/6/95 Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Week 126:

Some Editions Printed With Incomplete
(8/13/95 Joseph Romm, Washington)

Week 127:

The Analog Version of Digital Ink
(8/20/95 Steven [sic] Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 128:

We're Trying as Hard as We Want
(8/27/95 Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills )

Week 129:

Featuring Fine Photos You Can Color Yourself
(9/3/95 John Kammer, Herndon. [Note: See July 9, 1995; Czar was on vacation, so things were kind of screwed up])

Week 130:

We Have Fonts We Haven't Even Used Yet
(9/10/95 Russell Beland)

Week 131:

This Week's Special Feature: Needlessly-Hyphenated Words
(9/17/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 132:

Wet Thumb Before Attempting to Smudge
(9/24/95 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 133:

Humor/Fashion/The Occasional Terrorist Manifesto
(10/1/95 Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Week 134:

Warning: Lifting Photo Images With Silly Putty Is A Violation Of Copyright Law
(10/8/95 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 135:

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Metro Section
(10/15/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 136:

The New York Times Would Never Do This
(10/22/95 Kitty Thuermer, Washington)

Week 137:

We Opalogize for the Inconvenients: There Is a Bug in Are Spelcheck
(10/29/95 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 138:

Is There One Perfect "Ear" to End All Wars? Is This It?
(Elden Carnahan, Laurel, 11/5/95)

Week 139:

No, the Comics Aren't Here, Either
(11/12/95 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to commiserate once again with all those people who keep writing in, begging for information about The Ear No One Reads. Listen, folks. If we told you where it was, it would not be The Ear No One Reads, and American journalism might never recover. The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads thanks T. Meriwether Jones of Washington for today's Ear No One Reads, which is right where it always is and always has been and always will be forever and ever and ever. [Oh, yeah?])

Week 140:

No, This Isn't It Either. Keep Looking, You'll Find It One Day.
(11/19/95 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 141:

We Would Like to Apologize for Last Week's Ear
(11/26/95 Joseph Romm, Washington)

Week 142:

For Audio Version of The Post, Read Stories Out Loud
(12/3/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 143:

Coming Soon: Unabomber NFL Picks
(12/10/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 144:

You Can/Never/Have Enough/Slashes
(12/17/95 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 145:

To Make an Origami Dog Ear, Fold This Corner Down
(12/24/95 Paul Styrene, Olney )

Week 146:

Roll Into Cone for Emergency Funnel
(12/31/95 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 147:

It's Lonely at the Top
(1/7/96 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 148:

The 'Ear' Conspiracy -- Soon to Be an Oliver Stone Film
(1/14/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 149:

If Swallowed, Induce Vomiting
(1/21/96 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 150:

Fashion/Personals/Classified
(1/28/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 151:

Fashion/Personals/Ears No One Reads/Classified
(2/4/96 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Russ Beland of Springfield for today's Ear No One Reads, and to clear up a little misunderstanding from last week. Dozens of readers called and wrote to compliment us on the transcendent brilliance of our Ear No One Reads. Ho ho. The incomparable genius of having an ear that did not appear to be funny. What a fabulous bit of existential humor! Well, it turns out that, late Saturday night, someone in the composing room heroically took it upon himself to change the Ear from something funny to something ordinary. We are not sure who did this. We are not sure why they did it. Lips have been sealed. Documents have been shredded. Suspicious suicides have been reported. We have turned this matter over to Bob Woodward, the World's Greatest Reporter, who will get to the bottom of it in a six-month investigation featuring clandestine interviews with sources so secret and powerful even they themselves do not know their true identity. More on this as it develops.)

Week 152:

Did You Know the World 'Gullible' Isn't in Any Dictionary?
(2/11/96 Jennifer Hart, Arlington )

Week 153:

FUF2,NI81,NU F1
(2/18/96 Ned Bent, Herndon. Also, we wish to thank several readers who called and wrote to point out that they checked, and contrary to last week's Ear, the word 'gullible' is indeed in the dictionary. Boy, are our faces red.)

Week 154:

Caution: Page Opens Out
(2/25/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 155:

The Flat Tax Will Get America Moving Again
(3/3/96 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Malcolm S. Forbes Jr. of Bedminster, N.J., for today's Ear No One Reads, plus his generous financial contribution to the Style Invitational.)
yEar 4

Week 156:

Copy This/Send to Six Friends/Don't Break the Chain
(3/10/96. [Attributed to Russell Beland, Springfield but was actually Jonathan Paul's; see April 14.] The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Joseph Romm of Washington for last week's ear. )

Week 157:

Cut Eye Holes For Use as Camouflage Device
(3/17/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 158:

As Unbiased as the Next Pinko Rag
(3/24/96 Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Week 159:

3/31/96 We Would Like to Apologize for Last Week's Ear
(Joseph Romm, Washington. [Also used 11/26/95!])

Week 160:

There's Nothing to See Here, Please Move Along
(4/7/96 Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Week 161:

New 100 Percent Manifesto-Free
(4/14/96 no credit. [A long message here, admitting to some recent errors and noting that entrants seemed hesitant to point out mistakes, as if they feared being slammed in print, which was, of course, ridiculous.] The somewhat predictable Ear No One Reads about chain letters was by Jonathan Paul, not Russell Beland, whose work tends to be far more creative.)

Week 162:

Best When Read Left to Right
(4/21/96 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 163:

Banana
(4/28/96 no credit)

Week 164:

It's Not Very Good This Week
(5/5/96 Don Cooper, Burke. We also wish to respond to the many people who called and wrote to say they did not understand last week's Ear: We're sorry but we cannot hear you.)

Week 165:

This is the First Page of the Rest of Your Newspaper
(5/12/96 Russ Beland, Springfield. [Note: see also Feb. 19, 1995])

Week 166:

Next Week: Sunday, May 26, 1996
(5/19/96 Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

Week 167:

For A Transcript Of This Paper, Buy Another Copy
(5/26/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 168:

Do Not Read While Operating Aircraft
(6/2/96 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 169:

Keep Looking. This Is The Eye No One Hears
(6/9/96 Dan Royer, Alexandria)

Week 170:

This Page Approved For Sequestered Jurors
(6/16/96 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 171:

If Anyone Asks, Claim You Get This Joke
(6/23/96 Russ Beland, Springfield. To the many people who have been writing imploring us to tell them what The Ear No One Reads is, we say: It's right across from the R No One Notices.)

Week 172:

'Why Am I At The Bottom?' (upside down)
(6/30/96 Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 173:

Caution: Filling Is Hot
(7/7/96 Linda Perlstein, Washington)

Week 174:

Emergency Filter for D.C. Tap Water
(7/14/96 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 175:

The Only Thing About This Paper On The Far Right
(7/21/96 Robin D. Grove, Baltimore)

Week 176:

Didn't Even Consider Becoming An Official Sponsor Of The 1996 Olympics
(7/28/96 Bob Sorensen, Herndon )

Week 177:

Classified/Sophisticated Bathroom Humor
(8/4/96 no credit)

Week 178:

Nice Bathrobe
(8/11/96 Bob Sorensen)

Week 179:

Contains No Subliminal Subscribe Messages
(8/18/96 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 180:

Fishing/Weather/Oops, Wrong Section
(8/25/96 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 181:

Cool "Disco" Dan
([graffiti drawing] 9/1/96 no credit)

Week 182:

Published For You By A Large, Uncaring Conglomerate
(9/8/96 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 183:

No Puns Here, Nope, Not Hear
(9/15/96 Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Week 184:

As Featured In Time Magazine
(9/22/96 no credit)

Week 185:

Hey, Einstein, You Read the Comics First, Didn't You?
(9/29/96 Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

Week 186:

Nope, Dilbert's Not Here, Either
(10/6/96 David Genser [compare with 11/12/95])

Week 187:

Whoever Is Writing These, PLEASE CUT IT OUT
(10/13/96 Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Week 188:

Disgruntled Journalists Local 137
(10/20/96 Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Week 189:

Combining The Worst Of Arts And Outlook
(10/27/96 Robert Howard, Arlington)

Week 190:

Average Number Of Pages: 8. Your Pages May Vary
(11/3/96 Russ Beland)

Week 191:

Kids! Go Wake Daddy Right Away!
(11/10/96 David Genser)

Week 192:

Bet You Can't Remember What Used To Be Up Here
(11/17/96 Jonathan Paul)

Week 193:

I Might Have To Stop This. They're Closing In On Me
(11/24/96 David Genser)

Week 194:

'Silly Putty Test Area' (printed backwards)
(12/1/96 Jonathan Paul)

Week 195:

If Not Fully Satisfied, Read The Metro Section Twice
(12/8/96 David Genser)

Week 196:

Date Expires At Midnight
(12/15/96 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 197:

www.washingtonpost.com's Bathroom Edition
(12/22/96 Al Dyson, DC)

Week 198:

It's Addictive, Isn't It?
(12/29/96 Don Cooper, Burke)

Week 199:

Monkeys Typing Randomlyqz
(1/5/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 200:

Building A Bridge Column To The 21st Century
(1/12/97 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 201:

Today's Ear Will Appear Next Week
(1/19/97 Russ Beland)

Week 202:

Whs Th Wsgy Wh Tk My Vwls?
(1/26/97 Jean Sorensen)

Week 203:

Even If You Get The Post, You May Not Get This
(2/2/97 Hank Wallace)

Week 204:

This Is Nothing. You Should See What We Hid In Outlook
(2/9/97 David Genser)

Week 205:

Scratch Here To Win Prize. Now Rub Your Elbow. Now Dance.
(2/16/97 David Genser)

Week 206:

Page Numbers For Reference Only. No Intrinsic Value Implied.
(2/23/97 Elden Carnahan)

Week 207:

Warning: You Are Close To The Edge
(3/2/97 Tom Witte)
yEar 5

Week 208:

If You Can Read This, Thank A Typesetter
(3/9/97 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 209:

Remember To Set Your Clocks Ahead One Hour In April
(3/16/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 210:

Farenheit 458. Tougher Than Other Papers.
(3/23/97 Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)

Week 211:

Celebrating 50 years since 1947
(3/30/97 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 212:

Someday, I'll Be a Headline
(4/6/97 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 213:

The Walrus Was Madeleine Albright
(4/13/97 John Kammer, Herndon)

Week 214:

Move Along, There Is Nothing to See Here
([compare with 4/7/96] 4/20/97 Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

Week 215:

Please Don't Tell Katharine Graham About This
(2/27/97 Jonathan Paul)

Week 216:

Dated Material: Open Immediately
(5/4/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 217:

We Haven't Read This Stuff. Any Good?
(5/11/97 David Genser, Vienna)

Week 218:

See? They Will Print Just About Anything
(5/18/97 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 219:

'Aren't you glad the whole paper isn't printed this way?' (flowery font)
(5/25/97 Russell Beland, Springfield)

Week 220:

Humor So Subtle Even We Don't Get It
(6/1/97 Russ Beland, Springfield)

Week 221:

Forget You Ever Read This
(6/8/97 Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Week 222:

This Is Outrageous! Alert the Ombudsman.
(6/15/97 David Genser, Vienna, and Steve Knack, Bethesda)

Week 223:

I Dare You to Read This
(6/22/97 David Curtis, Ijamsville)

Week 224:

Standard Disclaimer Here
(6/29/97 The Faerie of the Fine Print is pretty tired of thanking people for their Ears. What kind of job is that? I might as well be emptying the porta-potties at construction sites. Jennifer Hart of Arlington, okay? Big honking deal.)

Week 225:

Bite This, Mike
(7/6/97 The Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to apologize for last week's unprofessional, embittered outburst and to thank Stephen Dudzik of Silver Spring for blowing it out his ear or something, plus what kind of name is "Dudzik," I mean why not just name yourself Stephen Von Loser, or Stephen D. Geekstein or something?)

Week 226:

If You Can Read This, Blame a Teacher
(7/13/97 The newly ordained Dwarf of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads wishes to just do the job for which he is well paid by The Washington Post, and thank Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield for his fine contribution to today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of the Washington Post, and members of their immediate families, are FREE THE FAERIE DEATH TO THE FOUL USURPER not eligible for prizes.)

Week 227:

No Matter How Big We Make This, Or How Many Words We Use, Some People Will Never See It. Don't Tell Them.
(7/20/97 Today's Ear No One Reads was submitted by Mr. Russell Beland of Springfield, and is published through the auspices of The Faerie of the Fine Print and the Ear No One Reads Productions, Inc., featuring the zany antics of The Dwarf of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads Ltd., a wholly-owned subsidiary of DwarfEnterprises International.)

Week 228:

Sexy SWF Seeks ... Oops. Wrong Page.
(7/27/97 Tell us how to best credit the author of The Ear No One Reads, which today was written by David Genser of Arlington.)

Week 229:

Edited by No. 7
(8/3/97 Terse Ear Credit: Tom Witte, Gaithersburg. Next Week: Victorian Romance Ear Credit.)

Week 230:

Hasn't This One Been Printed Before?
(8/10/97 "Russ...Russ Beland of Gaithersburg [sic]," she moaned, her hungry lips exploring his ear, "employees of The Washington Post, and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes." Next week: Sherlockian ear credit.)

Week 231:

Orioles 3, Ann Landers 1. No, Wait, That's Not Right.
(8/17/97 "Attend, Watson, I hear a step on the stair and unless I am very much mistaken we shall soon have a visitor about whom I can deduce little other than the obvious facts that his name is Genser, and that he is a bearded man of modest stature, spare frame and fair hair, mild of manner, brisk of step, quick of wit, a man skilled in accountancy, who lives near a cemetery, has an infant child, a handsome wife, and a single, extraordinarily long ear. Beyond that, I fear I know nothing." Next week: Chandleresque Ear credit.)

Week 232:

If This Isn't Funny, Then Why Did They Print It?
(8/24/97 Speaking of dumb, what about Beland? Beland, out of Springfield. He was dumb as they come, as dumb as a guy who has to testify against the mob, as dumb as a giraffe with a speech impediment, as dumb as a guy with three ears and no kisser. Next week: Mime ear credit.)

Week 233:

If You Don't Look Up Here, Would I Still Exist?
(8/31/97 (David Genser, Arlington) Next week: Shakespearean ear credit.)

Week 234:

Edicion Ingles
(9/7/97 Harken to the sounds upon the fen/'Tis the noble warble of the Tufted Genser. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit.)

Week 235:

In a Previous Life, I Was a Hieroglyphic
(9/14/97 (Jonathan Paul. That's all.) Next week: Emily Dickinson ear credit.)

Week 236:

Some Very Powerful People Don't Want You to Read This
(9/21/97 How dreadful -- how like fear / I wax suspicious of / David Genser's ear. Next week: Socratic Ear Credit.)

Week 237:

How's My Editing? Call 202-334-4312
(9/28/97 "If a man gives away his ear, Socrates, how then might he hear?" "A good question, Eucalyptus. Would an earless man have no way to comprehend speech?" "He might read the lips of those who speak." "Just so, Eucalyptus. And he would thus hear voice but be deaf to the language of the gods. He could hear not the leaves rustle, nor a bee land upon a flower." [Russel Beland, Springfield] (Next Week: Kornheiser Ear Kredit.))

Week 238:

Written By and For the Cultural Elite
(10/5/97 What kind of a name is Genser, anyway? It sounds like something that might have a head full of pus! "Oy, I got such a nasty genser on my pupick." Next week: Hemingway Ear credit.)

Week 239:

I May Not Be Newsworthy, But at Least I'm Above the Fold
(10/12/97 "Roy." "Yeah, Roy who?" "Roy Ashley," said the man pushing the mop. "Yeah? From where?" "Washington. Filthtown." "So what of it?" "The ear. He wrote it." "Yeah? What's it to me?" Next week: Faulkner Ear Credit. )

Week 240:

This Page Won't Turn Itself, Pal.
(10/19/97 Jonathan was lean but not too lean, not spare so much as sparse, the sort of man who carried a brown leather wallet and would accept a ride from the sort of man who would name a horse Willie, (which is not to say a gentleman, though one might find such a man who might well be a gentleman notwithstanding) and who distinguished himself from the dumber though nobler species with a fancy surname, which is to say a last name, which in some cases may also be a first name, which might borrow shamelessly from the grandeur of a saint, which might be, as it happens in the instant case, Paul. Next week: Seinfeldian ear credit.)

Week 241:

This Is, Like, So Unprofessional
(10/26/97 I drove through Gaithersburg the other day, met a guy with his name stitched over the breast pocket of his bib overalls. It said "Tom." I ask him if he knows where the mayor is. He says, "I *am* the mayor." [note: No "next week" here])

Week 242:

Escritando en Espanol Brokino, Por Your Comprehendismento Improvo
(11/2/97 Correction: Because of a typographical error, last week's fine print neglected to indicate in which literary style this week's Ear Credit would be written. The credit for the ear, which was written by John Kammer of Herndon, Virginia, is written in the straight-ahead, humorless style of the Washington Post Page Two Correction Box. The Washington Post regrets the error. Next week: Chaucerian Ear Credit. )

Week 243:

Do Not Turn This Page Until Instructed by the Proctor
(11/9/97 Beholde the eyre, ere ire are our heir / John Kammer pen'd it wolde fayr, e'er theyre. Next week: Biblical Ear Credit. )

Week 244:

Easier to Read Than Wittgenstein
(11/16/97 And it came to pass that The Czar looked upon all that he had wrought, and he saw that it was Good. He smote the Faerie, and it was Good. He defied the Philistines, and it was Good. Now if he can just get out of the Garden of Elden. Next Week: Susan Faludi ear credit.)

Week 245:

Concise Dictionary: Aardvark, Zebra
(11/23/97 Today's Ear, like all the Ears, was written by a man, Dick Furno of Silver Spring. The Ear is a boy's club. A fraternity of losers. Next week: Dave Barry Ear Credit.)

Week 246:

Translated From the French
(11/30/97 Alert reader Ann Normansell of Charlottesville (motto: *We make Podunk seem like Paris*) sent in today's Ear No One Reads. Next week: Dr. Seuss Ear credit.)

Week 247:

Recommended For Families With 2.2 Children
(12/7/97 In a land of the stupid, called Tickle-My-Ear / Lived a man whose dumbness was dumber, I fear / His neighbors were dense, but he was a lot denser / They called him David, old David Genser. Next Week: Agatha Christie ear credit.)

Week 248:

If You Were a Dead Fish, You'd Be Home By Now
(12/14/97 What happened to the Faerie of the Fine Print & The Ear No One Reads? Let us recapitulate. The study was locked, with the key on the inside. All that was left behind was a pair of crutches that would fit a woman of remarkably small stature. [Sandra Hull, Arlington] Next week: Medical text ear credit.)

Week 249:

It Doesn't Get Any More Journalistic Than This
(12/21/97 Blockage or dysfunction of the eustachian tube is believed to be the pathophysiologic basis for purulent discharge from the ear, suggesting labyrinthitis, fistulization and Beland's Syndrome, which causes extreme pouting and crankiness in adults. Next week: J.D. Salinger Ear Credit.)

Week 250:

As Foretold by Nostradamus
(12/28/97 If you want to know the truth, today's crummy ear was written by John Kammer of Herndon, like anybody gives a crap. Next week: Hallmark card ear credit.)

Week 251:

Happy New Ear
(1/4/98 To Witte, With Gravity / We give Comments Laudatory / A Mouth is a Cavity / An Ear Is Auditory. Happy New Year. Next Week: Style Invitational Ear Credit.)

Week 252:

Hey, Kids--Look What Adults Think Is Funny
(1/11/98 We wish to thank (Stephen Buchanan, Mt. Airy) for today's Ear No One Reads and to simultaneously humiliate him by pointing out that his name and town are an anagram for "Ach, I Bathe My Unnerpants." Next week: Microsoft Ear Credit.)

Week 253:

Thank You For Not Suing Us
(1/18/98 Kudos to Twitte@houdini.tc.army.mil who posted today's ear. Next week: Orwell ear credit. )

Week 254:

Please Read Metro First. It Makes Them Feel Needed.
(1/25/98 The clock struck thirteen. Freedom is slavery. Love is hate. Genser wrote the ear. Next week: Ogden Nash ear credit.)

Week 255:

Ignore Cutesy Page Number. This Is Page 47.
(2/1/98 The elephant's known for her nose / And not at all for her ear / Which this week is Dick Furno's / From Silver Spring, and here. Next Week: Hunter Thompson ear credit.)

Week 256:

Hi. I'll Be Your Newspaper Today.
(2/8/98 So me and Jonathan were caroming through the zirconium night alight on ludes and pig snot we took through the ear and the Victorian mansions of Garrett Park were blurring past the windows, looking like giant malevolent sarcophaguses with mailboxes. Next Week: New York Times Ear Credit. )

Week 257:

To Avoid Ink on Hands, Turn Pages With Feet
(2/15/98 The Page F1 "folio," or as it is colloquially known, the Ear No One Reads, was written by Ms. Sandra Hull of Arlington, Va., which is a suburb of Washington D.C. The very last Ear No One Reads, as you have come to know it, will appear on March 8. The Post's redesign will not accommodate an Ear where it currently exists. We are currently taking nominations for where the Ear can be moved. It must be somewhere in the Style section. It should be someplace equally obvious but equally overlookable. The person who relocates the Ear will win The Czar's personal Loser Pen, right from his pocket, engraved "The Czar." This offer will not be repeated. Good luck. Next week: Shakespearean Ear Credit.)

Week 258:

Lost Our Lease. Must Move Soon.
(2/22/98 Dudzik cuts a fine figure, forsooth. Not long of ear so much as long of tooth. Next Week: Nostradamus ear credit. )

Week 259:

People/Fashion/Gardens
(3/1/98 Forces of Satan will Stride forward from the burg of Gaither to smite the ear. Next Week:        )
yEar 6

If you have any Ear No One Reads for Year 6 please contact Kyle Hendrickson at BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com.

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