The Invitational Week 128: As the Word Turns
'Discover' funny new words by snaking around this grid. Plus our Questionable Journalism winners.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jun 12, 2025


Beginning at P-17: BRATMO: The nasty Cuban prison where bad little children are sent if they don't hang up their jacket right now.
O-14: NEVIDENCE: Phony stuff the Trump regime uses to imprison citizens for nonexistent crimes.
G-7: KINDRIVEL: The six-page not-even-bothering-to-be-humblebrag that your cousin sends out every December.
The Empress sort of knew The Invitational’s days were numbered at The Washington Post in the early 2020s when a new editor referred to our then 29-year-old weekly humor/wordplay/poetry contest — featuring some of the most brilliant reader-generated humor in human history — as “your puzzle thing.”

This week’s contest, one we haven’t done in a couple of years, does look like a puzzle. But as usual, we’re really after your neologisms.

For Invitational Week 128: “Discover” a word or multi­word term by tracing a path through the randomly generated grid above — in any direction or several directions, up, down, back, forth, diagonally, but always using adjacent squares — and humorously describe the result, as in the examples above. (“Bratmo” is the one traced out).
— Don’t trace over the same spot on the grid twice.
— A funny definition or example can help you get the ink over someone else who “found” the same term; even with the 2.7 bajillion possible word-forms embedded in the grid, we often see a lot of duplication.
— You may also choose an existing word if you have a devastatingly clever definition.

Formatting this week — and boy oh boy will it be important:
— Begin each entry with the coordinates of your first letter (e.g., H-4) as above; we’ll trace it from there. Letter-hyphen-number.
— And you must put the coordinates, word, and definition all on the same line — don’t hit Enter between them.
— You should be able to print out the grid from this link, and courtesy of nerdtabulous Loser Jeff Contompasis, here’s a text file of the grid that will let you, say, search for a certain letter.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-128. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 21, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 26.

The winner receives this chic(k) little handbag, donated by 216-time Loser Barbara Turner.

May be an image of 1 person and text
The Empress showing off this week’s prize purse last month at the Flushies, the awards party for Invitational contestants and hangers-on.

Newsy Q’s: ‘Questionable Journalism’ winners
In our venerable Questionable Journalism contest in Invitational Week 126, we asked you to choose a sentence from any publication dated that week, then follow it Jeopardy-style with a funny question.

Third runner-up:
Sentence from the L.A. Times: Lance Smith, 74, stands off to the side of the bowl, a Coors Light in one hand, a Nikon camera in the other.
Q. How does the House of Representatives enforce its anti-trans bathroom ban? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
A. For the first time, researchers factored in its gravitational influence in a statistically meaningful way.
Q. How do we know Yo Mama’s ass is so fat? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

First runner-up:
A. I had hoped we’d never come to this.
Q. What’s wrong with playing my Manilow album while we make love?
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the flashing, talking Bullshit button:
A. “We did our gender reveal at 30,000 feet with complete strangers.”
Q. What caused the police to arrest two passengers for indecent exposure when the flight landed? (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

Flat on Their Asks: Honorable mentions
A. The risk of overheating and sparking, particularly when items are damaged, has been highlighted as a significant safety concern.
Q. Are there any dangers in having sex in one’s senior years? (Judy Freed)

A. “We don’t deserve to live; please kill us.”
Q. You say the Democrats have an inspiring new rallying cry? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

A. Maybe lunch.
Q. What’s there to lose by watching “Dr. Pimple Popper”? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A. “It turns out you can skateboard your whole life.”
Q. How did Trump respond to fears that his tariffs would dramatically increase the price of automobiles? (Frank Osen)

A. The court ruled that his actions had far exceeded his lawful powers under that statute.
Q. What text macro can save a reporter a lot of time in 2025? (Duncan Stevens)

A. “Don’t ever say what you said!”
Q. What did Trump shout when the steakhouse told him it was out of ketchup? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

A. “Every day I’m trying to prove myself as one of those guys.”
Q. President Trump, what is your reaction when you’re compared to Hitler and Stalin? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. “We wouldn’t be able to keep our style of business without having people like this.”
Q. Mr. Beelzebub, how is recruiting in Hell during Trump’s second term? (Mike Ostapiej, Charleston, S.C.)

A. “Guys made great plays.”
Q. Professor, what deep thoughts do you have about English drama in the Elizabethan era? (Beverley Sharp)

A. “I’m going to work my butt off this summer.”
Q. How do you plan to go from XL to Small BVDs in just three months? (Beverley Sharp)

A. “It’s astonishing to think that, more than 30 years later, he's still the king."
Q. What will they say on Trump’s 110th birthday? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

A. “They are still internally going forward; we don’t really feel as if anything has stopped here.”
Q. What did the vet say about the cuff links Fido swallowed? (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

A. “Well, for one, I’m going to church more.”
Q. Pope Leo, how has your life changed since your papal Inauguration? (Beverley Sharp)

A. For budget hawks — and Democrats — Musk provided a shot in the arm.
Q. Does Elon share his drugs? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

A. A hint of lemon juice at the very end keeps it punchy.
Q. Why did you give your kangaroo an enema before his boxing match? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

A. Choose bars that have between 10 and 20 grams of protein.
Q. My kid swears too much — any recommendations on which soap I should use to wash his mouth? (Mark Raffman)

A. Cynthia Erivo is taking off her witch’s hat to play a decidedly more virtuous musical theater icon: Jesus Christ.
Q. What will rile up the zealots even more than casting Paapa Essiedu as Snape in the new Harry Potter series? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

A. It’s infectious.
Q. Susan Monarez, as nominee for CDC director, what can you say about your boss RFK Jr.’s charm? (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

A. That’s a big number.
Q. What did the dental patient say when he saw the 6-inch novocaine syringe? (Mark Raffman)

A. Those are a couple of good words for what’s happening.
Q. Do you agree that our democracy is “royally fucked”? (Kevin Dopart)

A. “No MAGA left behind.”
Q. What tweet caused Trump supporters to get sinistral gluteal reduction surgery? (Mark Raffman)

A. “I may have pushed it just a tiny bit.”
Q. If he could talk, what might your cat say about the shattered wine glass on the kitchen floor? (Chris Doyle)

A. A big tank of water may be the answer.
Q. What is an anagram of “a big, not weak, fart”? (Chris Doyle)

A. By the time she left the bustling shopping area, she had three dresses: one coral pink and flowy; one cobalt blue with an open back; and one scarlet red with sparkly straps.
Q. How did Sally the Shoplifting Queen win her title? (Duncan Stevens)

A. I do think there is a bigger picture.
Q. Is this dick pic supposed to impress me? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

A. In the end, only two men were convicted and sentenced to hang.
Q. Did the Trump administration relent at all on its anti-DEI initiative? (Duncan Stevens)

A. I understand tomorrow is supposed to be very hot.
Q. What did Saint Peter tell Jeffrey Dahmer? (Chris Doyle)

A. This is something that cannot be forgotten!
Q. Why is Pete Hegseth’s password for accessing top-secret defense systems “password”? (Duncan Stevens)

A. “You know, that’s when the game really starts.”
Q. What do the Cleveland Browns coaches always have to explain to their players about the kickoff? (Duncan Stevens)

A. Both teams spent Thursday looking for any detail to polish, any crack to take advantage of.
Q. What did the cocaine-fueled competitive car waxers do yesterday? (Judy Freed)

A. His wife talked him into a microwave.
Q. How did the husband get his head stuck in a kitchen appliance? (Frank Osen)

A. If it fits in their mouth, they’ll eat it.
Q. What will politicians do if they get off on the wrong foot? (Jon Gearhart)

A. If it fits in their mouth, they’ll eat it.
Q. Why can’t competitive eaters keep a pet? (Jon Gearhart)

A. If you feel uncomfortable hanging around for too long, you can get in and out quickly if you already have the check.
Q. What is good advice for a novice gigolo? (Judy Freed)

A. “Well, we are all going to die.”
Q. What’s the worst thing to hear from the pilot after “Hope y’all enjoy our flight, have a free drink, and …”? (Barbara Turner)

A. “Soon after, he will add breaking balls.”
Q. If his threats aren’t enough, what will Donald Trump order his thugs to do next to congressmen who oppose his spending bill? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

A. “You go after the tech bros.”
Q. Is it time for us telemarketers to jump off the cliff yet? (Roy Ashley)

A. Some parents are instructed to show up in person, while others are allowed to speak via videoconference.
Q. How do teens interact with their families nowadays? (Judy Freed)

A. When we watch a movie, when it is really working on us, we are provoked into participation with it.
Q. “What the hell did you get all over my laptop screen?” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And Last: A. Other alleged injuries include “mental anguish” and the “loss of capacity for the enjoyment of life.”
Q. In addition to “dashed hopes,” what else are Invitational Losers seeking class-action damages for? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

The headline “Newsy Q’s” is by Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, June 14, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to write funny poems featuring words used in this year’s National Spelling Bee. Click below for details.

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Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: (Barbara Turner)
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The Invitational Week 127: Put It in Bee-Verse
Use one of those obscure spelling bee words in a funny poem. Plus 'air quotes' winners.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jun 05, 2025


2024 photo by Matt McLain, The Washington Post via Getty Images
Amphicrania, headache on both sides of the head:
A native of West Transylvania
Was plagued by advanced amphicrania.
He’s not a vampire
But his teeth feel on fire —
It’s a headache that really can painya.

(We’re announcing that we
Are doing the spelling bee
Again,
Fren’.)

In this week’s Invitational contest, Week 127: Write a humorous rhyming poem or tell a short joke (e.g., a riddle) using any word from Round 6 or later in the 2025 Scripps National Spelling Bee. The real meaning of the word should be clear, from context alone or by brief definition, as in the Czar’s limerick up top. The Bee’s website, spellingbee.com, doesn’t supply the meanings, but you can find them at m-w.com or by Googling, or just choose a word from the sample list below.

— You may use a slightly different form of the word (e.g., plural, past tense).
— Be sure to use the correct spelling of the word, which appears on the list to the left of however the kid spelled it in competition, correctly or not.
— For Guidance ’n’ Inspiration,® here are the results of our last bee poetry contest.

A few words chosen more or less randomly from this year’s lists (but choose from dozens more here in Rounds 6 through 21:

Acker (ACK-er), a ripple or a patch of ruffled water

Adytum (ADD-a-tum), an inner sanctum of an ancient temple available only to priests

Bibliognost (BIB-li-og-nost): Someone with comprehensive knowledge of books

Dolabrate (DOLE-a-bret or DOLE-a-brate): Shaped like the head of an ax or hatchet

Dyslogistic (DIS-logistic): Uncomplimentary, derogatory

Éclaircissement (ay-CLAIR-cease-mont): Clarification, a clearing up of something obscure. (This was this year’s final word.)

Epistrophe (eh-PIS-tro-fee): A literary device in which a word or expression is repeated at the end of successive phrases for effect (e.g., “government of the people, by the people, for the people”)

Polyptoton (po-LIP-to-tahn or polyp-TO-tahn): A literary device in which a word is repeated but in different forms (e.g., “To be ignorant of one’s ignorance is the malady of the ignorant”)

Hyaline (HY-a-lin): Transparent, glasslike

Innominable (in-NOM-inable): Cannot be named, indescribable

Penannular (pen-ANN-ular): Having the shape of a ring with an opening

Kinnor (kee-NOR): An ancient Jewish lyre

Radicicolous (RAD-i-SICK-o-lus): Living on or in roots, as do some fungi

Formatting this week: As usual with our poetry contests, just type each poem as you’d like to see it appear; this is an exception to our usual request to write each entry as a single line. If you’re writing more than one poem (or joke), add a line of space or other indication between one and the next.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-127. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 14, at 9 p.m. ET. (Please don’t tell us you’ll be watching that parade.) Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 19.

The winner, apropos of the literary nature of today’s contest, gets the book
Nine Nasty Words: English in the Gutter: Then, Now, and Forever, by John McWhorter. Chapters on the history and current lives of said words include “What Is It About Fuck?,” “Profanity and Shit,” and “Those Certain Parts” (and the many more than nine things we call them).

Nine Nasty Words by John McWhorter
Look ‘Wit’hin: The ‘air quotes’ from Week 125
In Invitational Week 125 we presented our final “air quotes” contest (there have been at least nine of them over the years) to find a word within another word that can shade its meaning. Please note that an unusually high percentage of these inking entries involve poopy. We cannot explain this except for the fact that the Czar was mathematically one-half the judging team.

Third runner-up:
“MUSK”ETRY: The “ready, fire, aim!” management approach. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

Second runner-up:
C“LOG”: “I think I see the problem here with your toilet.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
A“BS”TINENCE: “I just want to look into your eyes when we wake up in the morning.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of the travel mug that looks like a dirty can of auto brake cleaner:
TO“MBS”TONE: Don’t cross this guy. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Now the Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the 'air quotes' above was your favorite?
3rd runner-up: "Musk"etry
2nd RU: C"log"
1st RU: A"bs"tinence
Winner: To"mbs"tone
218 VOTES · 2 DAYS REMAINING
As always, if you think we ignored better entries in the Honorables (below) yell at us in the Comments.

Leave a comment

Top-‘Not’ch: Honorable mentions
M“AINT”ENANCE: Fixing that leaky faucet, painting the kitchen, and other tasks that I’m just not going to do. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“PROSE”CUTABLE: What freedom of speech is, according to Pam Bondi. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

AD“VANCE”: To climb the political ladder by suddenly ignoring all your previous views. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

“ANAL”GESIC: A painkilling suppository. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

BLISTERI“NGL”Y: How your warts-and-all performance review is conducted. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

BR“AI”N: What you need to use to get ahead in school. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“BUTT”ONHOLE: To corner someone at a party to blather about yourself. (Duncan Stevens)

CHA“GRIN”: That big frozen smile on the face of someone who says, “It was an honor just to be nominated.” (Jeff Contompasis)

COMPL“EXIT”Y: Too long, didn’t read, zoned out. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

C“HA”OS: What the Marx Brothers perfected. (Neil Kurland)

CR“YOLO”GY: Can frozen bodies really be resurrected? (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

DECOLLET“AGE”: The year your bust becomes “a bust.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

“DEPART”MENT OF GOVERNMENT EFFICIENCY: Good riddance, Elon. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

ÉCLAIRCIS“SEMEN”T: “Explaining to” your mom that you spilled Elmer’s glue on your sheets. (Mike Ostapiej, Charleston, S.C.)

HOMI“LIES”: If Trump were Pope, what he’d offer. (Neil Kurland)

IL“LUST”RATION: Manga porn. (Gary Crockett)

INCOM“PETE”NCE: Nobody does it like Mr. Hegseth. (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

INHO“SPIT”ABLE: Unwelcoming (in the extreme!). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

IRRELE“VANCE”: The Vice President’s primary function. (Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland)

LI“FELON”G: The sort of wrongdoer the President is. (Jesse Frankovich)

LOLLAPA“LOO”ZA: “Blimey, I think I just set a personal record in there!” (Pam Shermeyer)

M“ANGER”: “No room at the inn? What is this crap, Joseph? I am NOT having this baby out here!” (Mark Raffman)

“NEEDLES”S: What RFK Jr. thinks covid shots are. (Chris Doyle)

NE“ME”SIS: Everyone’s worst enemy. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

OLI“GOP”OLY: The reason we love unregulated free markets. — JD Vance (Chris Doyle; Neil Kurland)

P“IRATE”: He flies the Cranky Roger flag. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“POO”L: No swimming today! (Chris Doyle)

QUE“SAD”ILLA: When you are hungry for Mexican but only Taco Bell is open. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

RHO“DE I”SLAND: The wokest state. (Jesse Frankovich)

ROCKY MOUNTAI“N O”YSTERS: “Um, I’m good, thanks.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

SPL“END”ID: Callipygian. (Gary Crockett)

S“TURD”INESS: What you immediately notice about Tesla trucks. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

TRU“ST FU”ND BABIES: People who shouldn’t lecture others about pulling themselves up by their bootstraps. (Duncan Stevens)

YO“U SAID” IT: Trump on his foreign aid cuts: “You know, it’s devastating.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

THE WASHINGTON “POS”T: A formerly great metropolitan newspaper. (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: CL“INKER”: The entry you didn’t think was worth submitting, but wins the contest for someone else. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And Even Laster: O“INK”S: Invitational entries that they’ll run when pigs fly. (Chris Doyle)

The headline “Look ‘Wit’hin” is by Judy Freed; Judy and Jon Gearhart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, June 7, at 9 p.m. ET: Our “Questionable Journalism” contest to misinterpret sentences in news stories. Click below for details.


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Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Judy Freed)
Subhead: (Judy Freed, Jon Gearhart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 126: Questionable Journalism
In which we invite you to gleefully misinterpret the news. Plus winning what-if scenarios.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 29, 2025

Blanche DuBois from A Streetcar Named Desire | CharacTour
What if Blanche DuBois were a cannibal? See the results of this week’s Invitational, below.
Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool, where we begin with an extraneous question: Is Melania Trump human? That’s it. We’ll address the question in a day or two. Here comes The Invitational.

Sentence from a news story: “There is a big grassroots movement that’s sprung up.”
Q. What did the plumber say after using his plunger on the vegan’s toilet?
Another one: Let me be honest here.
Q. What does a politician say before lying?
One more: There’s something about digging in the dirt, turning it, smelling it.
Q. What do you like best about being a reporter for the National Enquirer?
As people for whom reading the newspaper every day is as deeply ingrained a habit as rolling our eyes when someone says “mischevious,” we know how hard it is to face the daily chronicle of events that threatens to send you fleeing back under the bedcovers. So we’re here to offer a way to make reading the news an eensy bit more fun, a game that’s given us a wealth of zingers over the years.

For Invitational Week 126: Choose any sentence (or the major part of a sentence) from any publication (online or on paper) dated May 29-June 7, 2025, and follow it with a question it could comically answer, as in the examples above by Jon Gearhart (the first two) and Beverley Sharp from earlier Questionable Journalism contests.

The sentence can be in an article or ad. Tell us the name of the publication and the date and (if in print) the page number; for online publications, include a link to the webpage. (Here are the results from our last QJ, a couple of years ago.)

Formatting this week — it’s important! Even though we’ll be reprinting the A’s and Q’s in two lines as above, please DO NOT break your entry into two or more lines; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry. Just write the “answer” followed by the question, and even the URL of the webpage, all on one line. Then hit Enter and a space or two before your next entry. Otherwise, we might not be able to find the various parts of your entry and all that news-reading will have been for naught.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-126. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 7, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 12.

The winner gets this industrial-strength battery-powered Bullshit Button. Push the big red top and lights flash accompanied by sirens and beeps and various warnings: “Bullshit alert!” “Bullshit detected! Take precautions!” “Bullshit level Defcon 5!” We recommend taking it with you as a helpful aid during your performance review. Donated by recidivist gifter Dave Prevar.


Out of Your Minds: What-ifs from Week 124
In Invitational Week 124, we asked you to create “what if?” scenarios with entertaining answers.

Third runner-up:
What if dinosaurs still roamed the Earth? We would be treated to photos of Don Jr. and Eric standing next to dead ones. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
What if nobody had invented the gun? You might get mugged by somebody threatening to throw a bullet at you very hard. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
What if Charles Dickens hadn’t written A Christmas Carol? No one would have ever heard of Scrooge McDuck. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of the O-Balm-A lip balm:
What if Kristi Noem were arrested and imprisoned without being charged with a crime? Well, tough shit for her. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The If-Troop: Honorable mentions
What if Blanche DuBois were a cannibal? She would say, “I have always depended on the kidneys of strangers.” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

What if ice cream had bones? If you’re lactose-intolerant and ate it, you wouldn’t care about the lactose. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

What if Ilsa returns to Rick in Casablanca II? Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but sooner or later they’d start squabbling. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

What if the whole world were in the same time zone? Then you’d actually have to wait until 5 o’clock to have a drink. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What if a restaurant were designed around the bachelor aesthetic? There would be no chairs, and every table would have a kitchen sink to eat over. (Sam Mertens)

What if it were men who got pregnant? Paternity clothes would consist of men not buttoning and zippering their current shirts and pants. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

If men could get pregnant, abortion bans would include an exception to prevent the inconvenience of the father. (Jonathan Jensen)

What if eating casu marzu — maggot cheese — could make you live forever? I’m still going to die. (Sam Mertens)

What if Abraham Lincoln were innumerate? The Gettysburg Address would have begun, “Three years ago, or possibly eighty thousand, I’m not sure ….” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

What if air traffic control equipment were inoperable for a week? Finally, you’d snag that aisle seat. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What if ants, which never sleep, did? The queen would dream of being kissed by a frog so she’d get out of that friggin’ hellhole. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

What if a T. rex had escaped from the cargo hold of the Titanic? It would have been a lot less dramatic when it stood on the bow and stretched its arms out. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

What if card games had never been invented? Poker would be a duel involving fireplace implements. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What if Christmas were in July? There’d be a lot of fat guys in red suits showing up at the hospital with heat exhaustion. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

What if dinosaurs hadn’t existed? Parents of toddlers would probably have more disposable income. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

What if Donald Trump were introduced to Jesus of Nazareth? Trump would try to “win the handshake.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

What if Don Corleone had been a member of PETA? That Hollywood producer would have found a My Little Pony head in his bed. (Duncan Stevens)

What if fresh vegetables never went bad? How would you justify throwing them out to make room in your fridge for those pies? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

What if humans had X-ray vision? “Hey, eyes up here! I’m not due for my mammogram yet.” (Judy Freed)

What if humans were more like jellyfish? Shit would come out of our mouths and we’d be spineless. Basically, we’d all be in Congress. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

What if it turns out that covid really did come from a Chinese lab? Trump would demand that the next pandemic come from an American lab, with U.S. citizens, but NOT located in woke Harvard! (Art Grinath)

What if Klara Polzl’s husband hadn’t decided to adopt his stepfather’s surname late in life, and then confer it on his kids? A lot of Trump supporters would be sporting Schicklgruber mustaches. (Duncan Stevens)

What if laxative commercials were realistic? They’d show actors running toward the bathroom, tripping over the dog, and elbowing a hole in a newly painted wall. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

What if medical commercials didn’t list all the potential side effects? They’d be one second long. (Leif Picoult)

What if my autocorect were turned off? (Jesse Frankovich)

What if our noses grew like Pinocchio’s every time we tell a lie? Then Trump would need some sturdy wheeled vehicle to support his mammoth schnoz and prevent him from falling on his face. (Beverley Sharp)

What if Robert Oppenheimer and the Manhattan Project had failed? We’d “firebomb” cold pizza in the microwave. (Kevin Dopart)

What if sardines weighed 150 pounds? They would object to being packaged in coach. (Mark Raffman)

What if the British had won the Revolutionary War? We probably wouldn’t have created blues, jazz, or rap, but at least we’d all have health care. (Jonathan Jensen)

What if the Consumer Product Safety Commission had been around in 1804? Hamilton and Burr would have fought their duel with Nerf guns. (Duncan Stevens)

What if the number of the beast were 555? The poor thing would be constantly interrupted by phone calls from TV actors. (Jonathan Paul)

What if there were no cellphones? Cars would move when the light turned green. (Tom Witte)

What if the Titanic had been an enormous rubber raft? No one would have been able to hear the band play “Nearer, My God, to Thee” with all that hissing. (Duncan Stevens)

What if the Trump Presidential Library ultimately receives the Qatari 747? It would get 11 extra bathrooms in which to store classified documents. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

What if the War of the Austrian Succession had never been fought? Then Maria-Theresa wouldn’t have been confirmed as the rightful Archduchess in the Habsburg line, and Prussia wouldn’t have obtained control of Silesia. Imagine! (Duncan Stevens)

What if Trump were gay and Black? He’d still be an asshole. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

What if Viagra hadn’t been invented? Life would still be worth living, I guess. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

What if your recorded calls to customer service were actually reviewed for quality assurance? Ha! Now THAT’s what I call funny! (Judy Freed)

What if Benadryl caused babies to poop gold bars? Its primary use would still be to keep them quiet on airplane trips. (Mark Raffman)

And Last: What if I should scramble up the letters in this sentence? THIS COULD ENTERTAIN THE EMPRESS, WITH ALL SUCH BENEFITS! (Jesse Frankovich — and yes, that second sentence is a perfect anagram of the preceding question)

And Even Laster: What if The Washington Post hadn’t killed The Style Invitational? This entry, which for no particular reason refers to fellatio, anal sex, and vaginal atrophy, would likely not get ink. (Judy Freed)

The headline “Out of Your Minds” is by Judy Freed; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, May 31, at 9 p.m. ET: Our final “air quotes” contest. Click below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jon Gearhart; Jon Gearhart; Beverley Sharp)
Judging: ()
Title: (Judy Freed)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 125: Our last gasp for 'air quotes'
For the ninth and final time, our inside-the-word game. Plus new meanings for old abbreviations.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 22, 2025

How to Use Quotation Marks
Hello. All good things must come to an end, particularly “air quotes,” which, by their very nature, come to an end. They start upside down, and end right side up. Air quotes have been one of our favorite contests because of their elegance and simplicity: Take any word or expression, place a portion of it in “air quotes,” and reinterpret it. We’ve been doing it for nearly 20 years.

Like this one, just suggested by Loser Jon Gearhart:
Honey“moo”n: The honey“moo”n was over when Frank said, “I guess it wasn’t just the too-tight wedding dress.”

Or this classic by Brendan Beary:
Su“perv”isor: The boss who believes too strongly in “hands-on management.”

Or this, by Jeff Shirley: Cont“race”ption: The rush to get the condom package open before the mood wilts.

We are officially retiring this contest because unlike other Invitational staples, it tends to be slowly, inexorably suicidal. When we invite you to “breed” two racehorse names every year to name a foal, we’re using a different crop of 3-year-olds every spring. Same thing when we ask you over and over to reinterpret headlines from that week’s news. But the air quotes, we’re asking you to do the same thing over and over — eight times already — and of course we don’t want to reuse the jokes that have already been made. Hundreds and hundreds of them.

We figure it’s got one more shot at being great. We weep at its demise but only in the sense that we wept when Betty White died. She lived a long, brilliant life and gave us much joy, including this magnificent commercial.


For Invitational Week 125: Highlight part of a word, name or short phrase in “air quotes” to give the word a new meaning or description, as in the examples above and the many links below. You can’t change the spelling of the original but may tinker with capitalization, punctuation, and spacing.

For further Guidance & Inspiration™, here are links to text files (no paywall) of our past results, at least the ones we could find in the Losers’ own absurdly comprehensive archives. At each link, scroll down past that week’s new contest.

Results of Week 336, spread over two weeks: Here and here
Week 405, 2001
Week 826, 2009 (more winners here)
Week 1134, 2015
Week 1280, 2018
Week 1355, 2019
Week 1359, 2019 (a variation where the air quote had to span two words)
Week 1511, 2022

Formatting this week: Standard drill — begin each entry with your word, and include quotation marks around the “inside word.” And as usual, write each of your entries as a separate single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-125. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 31, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 5.

The winner gets a nifty 20-ounce travel mug disguised as a dirty can of auto brake cleaning fluid. When you’re getting your car’s oil changed, be sure to sip conspicuously from it, making slurpy yum-yum sounds.


You’ll run like a charm: This week’s prize mug, complete with pull-out straw.
This Sunday: Remote surveillance of Losers!
The 29th (!!) annual Flushies “banquet”/awards/songfest presented by Invitational Losers and Hangers-On will go down Sunday afternoon, May 25, at Mount Vermin, home of the Empress. And around 2 p.m. ET, they’ll turn on a Zoom feed for the awards and song parody singalong. Here’s the Zoom link.

Laugh Is Short: Re-translated abbreviations from Week 123
In Week 123 we challenged you to create a new meaning for an existing acronym or initialism. If you don’t know what an abbreviation below really means, click on the link provided for each entry.

Third runner-up:
HTTP: Hyper-thin TP, the one-ply. “We asked him to get the Charmin, but cheapo Dad got the HTTP again.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
D.C.: Democracy’s Crypt (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
CPAC: Caucasians Planning a Coup. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the Shakespeare finger puppet/magnet:
FUBAR: The exam you have to pass to become a divorce lawyer. (Jesse Frankovich)

Letter Bombs: Honorable mentions
AARP: Agreeing to Accept Rectal Probes. (Getting older isn’t always glamorous.) (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md., who fairly recently turned Colonoscopy years old)

ASAP: Anytime, Sometime, Absolutely, Perhaps (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

ATC: Air Telepathic Control — recently implemented at Newark. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

CAPTCHA (Completely Automated Public Turing test to tell Computers and Humans Apart): Can A Person Tell Cars and Houses Apart? (Jonathan Jensen)

CBP: Catching Brown People (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

DACA: Decisions Accelerated for Caucasian Afrikaners (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

DEI: Donald Ended It (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

DIY: Done Incorrectly? Yes. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

DOGE: Degrading Our General Effectiveness (Duncan Stevens)
DOGE: Destroying Our Government Everywhere (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
DOGE: Doofuses Overseeing Government Enshittification (Chris Doyle)

EFT: Emoluments For Trump. “Please specify ‘EFT’ on your tax payment.” (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

FAFSA: Frustrating As Fuck. Sheer Agony! (Jonathan Jensen)

FEMA: Former Emergency Management Agency (Jonathan Jensen)

FTE: Federally Terminated Expertise (Kevin Dopart)

FUBAR: Fucked Up by a Republican (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

HBCU: Habeas Corpus Undone. “HBCU: A cause the Administration supports fervently.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

HHS: Hastening Human Sickness (Mark Raffman)

IRS: Invasive Rectal Strip-search. “You can count on the IRS to find that hidden cash.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

MAHA: Measles Are Here Again! (Chris Doyle)

NSAID (Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drugs): Ninety-nine Side-effects Ascertained (Including Death). “If you experience death, stop taking this medication and contact your physician.” (Jon Gearhart)

OPS (On-base plus slugging): Obnoxiously Pedantic Statistic (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

RFK Jr.: Road-Fucking-Kill!? Jesus, really? (Sam Mertens)

RIF: Random Idiotic Firings (Duncan Stevens)

ROFL: Rule of Law. “Mr. President, are you going to fairly and consistently uphold the ROFL?” *ROFL* (Jesse Frankovich)

SCIF (sensitive compartmented information facility): Signal Chat Is Fine (Stephen Dudzik)

SCOTUS: Selling Country Out To Ugly-ass Sovereign (Jon Gearhart)

SMH: Shit My Hanes (Sam Mertens)

TTYL: Talk To Yourself, Lardass (Frank Osen)

UFO: Up-Fanny Object. “My proctologist says he’s seen some pretty unbelievable UFOs.” (Jesse Frankovich)

WYSIWYG: Wash Your Strawberries — I Whizzed in Your Garden (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Laugh Is Short” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, May 24, at 9 p.m. ET: Our “what if” contest. Click below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jon Gearhart; Brendan Beary; Jeff Shirley)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 124: You Have to Wonder
What if ... we do this contest again?
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 15, 2025

what-if-analysis
Hello. Just curious:

What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow
you to the bathroom?
You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson)

What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap?
It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably
wouldn’t drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley)

What if “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” had instead been “Breakfast at IHOP”?*
The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be
played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar)

For Invitational Week 124: Give us a “what-if?” scenario. The weirder the better, as in the examples above from a previous contest. (See other previous results here, here, and here.)

Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each of your entries as a separate single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-124. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 29.

The winner gets a a stick of O-Balm-A lip balm, whose packaging touts: “Still on everyone’s lips.” “Apply Liberally.” “Promotes Healing.” Whoever created this product ought to enter some of our wordplay contests. Donated (still sealed) by Dave Prevar.

NEW Barack Obama O-BALM-A Lip Balm Mint The Unemployed Philosophers Guild NIP - Picture 1 of 1

Stable Geniuses: The grandfoals of Week 122
Four weeks ago, in Invitational Week 120, we once again listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races, and asked you to “breed” any two and name a “foal” playing on both parents’ names. (This year’s winner: Olive Green x Citizen Bull = Oyl of Olé.) Which was followed by the annual spinoff contest: In Invitational Week 122 you then “bred” those pun-filled foal names. The best of the more than 1,200 “grandfoals” appear below — and given such parent names as Beef Strokin’ Off and Brokeback Mountie, it’s not surprising that there’s many a horse of an off color.

Third runner-up: Can’t Ketch Me x Captain, Obviously = No Ship, Sherlock (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up: Raptcha x Glazed Unconfused = End of Daze (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

First runner-up: The 1/4th Estate x Deus Sex Machina = Quarter Pounder (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the chicken socks:
Stop Laugh-In x Carbon Dating = Oldie Hawn (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Heir Cuts: Honorable Mentions:
Alfred E. Newsman x From Don to Musk = Mad MAGA Scene (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Alfred E. Newsman x Kid Napped = AlfredE.Snoozeman (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Alfred E. Newsman x Make It Hard = Walter Concrete (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Baptismal Font x Glazed Unconfused = Dunkin’ (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fire in the Hole = Come as You Char (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Captain, Obviously = Come Now, Sir (Lee Graham)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fish and Cheops = WankLikeAnEgyptian (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maitre A-Plus = Bone Appétit! (Chris Doyle)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maothful = Filetio (Tim Watts)

Beef Strokin’ Off x The Dark Lard = HandJabba the Hutt (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Yux = Ejacularity (Jeff Contompasis)

Beignet & the Jet x Point of Ordure = Elton’s John (Laurie Brink)

Billboard Baggins x Oregasm = TolkienOfAffection (Lee Graham)

Brokeback Mountie x Oregasm = O! O! O! Canada! (Tim Watts; Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.; Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

Capital Hill x Maothful = Moola Rouge (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Carb Daddy x Smoker’s Coif = Tortes & the Hair (Judy Freed)

Carb Daddy x The Full Mountie = Starch Naked (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Carbon Dating x Lust Man Standing = Homo Erectus (Jeff Contompasis)

Code Duello x Cut the Crap = Dueling Baños (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Code Duello x London Fridge = Aaron Brrr (Mia Wyatt; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Cougar-rand x Illegit Mate = Mountain Lyin’ (Karen Lambert)

Cruller Than Death x Fire in the Hole = Krispy Kremation (Chris Doyle; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Manifest Density = The Plop Thickens (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Maothful = Dung Xiaoping (Mark Raffman)

Delugional x Baptismal Font = Sham Dunk (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Fire in the Hole x Baptismal Font = Hellvetica (Steve Price, New York)

Fish and Cheops x Usual Gang of Ids = Bunch of Old Gizas (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Pyramid Scheme (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Bernard Brink)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Basstard (Steve Price; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Water We Gonna Do? = Pharaoh Faucet (Mia Wyatt)

From Don to Musk x Point of Ordure = The Turd Reich (Chris Doyle)

Point of Ordure x Maothful = SqueezeTheChairman (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Gangsta Wrap x Beef Strokin’ Off = Lewdacris (Steve Price)

Gangsta Wrap x Kid Napped = Jay-Zzz (Tim Watts)

Great Deportations x Cruller Than Death = ICE-y Dead People (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

HO x Carb Daddy = Idaho (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

HO x OreckOfTheHesperus = A Whore’s a Vacuum (Jeff Hazle)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Sag Harbor (Jeff Rackow; Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Stacked Deck (Beverley Sharp)

Illegit Mate x Messy = Partner in Grime (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Kid Napped x Cut the Crap = SleepsWithTheEnema (Beverley Sharp)

Kid Napped x Robbin’ Williams = Ransom of RedThief (Steve Smith; Pamela Love)

London Fridge x Oregasm = TheIcemaker Cometh (Gary Crockett)

Lord & Tailored x Capital Hill = Servile Row (Mark Raffman)

Lord & Tailored x Stop Laugh-In = Hemming & Hawn (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Maitre A-Plus x You’re Delugional = Après Moi … (Jonathan Paul)

Make It Hard x Carbon Dating = Thrust but Verify (Jeff Contompasis)

Make It Hard x Maothful = Wow Zedong (Frank Osen; Pam Sweeney)

Make It Hard x Water We Gonna Do? = Viagra Falls (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.; Steve Price)

Messi Beaucoup x Gilty = Gooooooooooooold (Duncan Stevens)

Mike Dyson x OreckOfTheHesperus = Nature Abhors Me (Jesse Frankovich)

Mummy of Invention x Deus Sex Machina = Mama Sutra (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Mummy of Invention x Stop Laugh-In = Neferteehee (Chris Doyle)

Mummy of Invention x You’re Delugional = Queen of Denial (Jon Gearhart)

Mummy of Invention x Beef Strokin’ Off = King Tutancummin (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Of Course Me Worry x Not My Type = B Negative (Jonathan Jensen; Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

P.U. Kid x Fish and Cheops = Tootin’ Common (Mark Raffman)

New Serif in Town x Carb Daddy = Glutenberg (Pam Shermeyer)

No.1 With a Bullet x Fire in the Hole = UTI (Gary Crockett)

No.1 With a Bullet x Maitre A-Plus = No.1 With a Buffet (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

No.1 With a Bullet x No-Brainer = Dumdum (Pam Shermeyer)

No. 1 With a Bullet x Point of Ordure = No. 2 (Bernard Brink)

Oil Aboard! x Carb Daddy = Hazardous Waist (Pam Shermeyer)

Oil Aboard! x Of Course Me Worry = Ahoy Vey (Eric Nelkin)

Point of Ordure x Capital Hill = Scheisster (Roy Ashley)

Robbin’ Williams x No-Brainer = Mrs. Surefire (Tim Watts)

Socket to Me x Illegit Mate = Current Affair (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

The Liceman Cometh x EyeQ = Parasight (Tim Watts)

Throbbin’ Williams x Make It Hard = Porkin’ Mindy (Leif Picoult)

Titztastic x Yux = Bust Out Laughing (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Stable Geniuses” is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 18, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest for new meanings for existing initialisms and acronyms. Click on the link below for the details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Robyn Carlson; Jeff Shirley; Dave Prevar)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 123: STFU (St. Fun, our patron)
Tell us new meanings for abbrvs. And we have the winning lyrics & videos of our song parody contest.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 08, 2025


“Trump is Trumpier the second time around,” sings Jonathan Jensen in a parody of the Frank Sinatra hit about love. See lots of other videos and lyrics below in this week’s Invitational results.

Hello.

Hey, WTF? RUOK?

That’s our new contest for Invitational Week 123. Take an existing initialism — a word we did not know until two weeks ago when we inaugurated this contest — and redefine it. You may also use an acronym, which is an abbreviation you pronounce as a word, rather than spelling out its letters. (“IMO” is an initialism. “OSHA” is an acronym.)

Here are five examples for you:

IMO: Old meaning: “In my opinion.” New meaning: “I am having an orgasm.”

IMHO: Old meaning: “In my humble opinion.” New meaning: “I am a ho.”

ICU: Old meaning: “Intensive care unit.” New meaning: “Um, your hospital gown is hanging open.”

JK: Old meaning: “Just kidding.” New meaning: “I’m a trans-bigot.”

OSHA: Old meaning: “Occupational Safety & Health Administration.” New meaning: “Oh! Shat!” a startled exclamation after a lower intestinal mishap.

Formatting this week: Start each entry with the abbreviation you’ll be redefining, then follow it on the same line with the definition (i.e., don’t push Enter until that particular entry is finished), as in the examples above.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-123. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 22.

The winner gets a handsome finger puppet of William Shakespeare that doubles as a refrigerator magnet! You will, however, have to imagine that it is chiding you, quoting from The Merchant of Venice, “They are as sick that surfeit with too much as they are that starve with nothing.” Gift’d to The Invitational by Dave Prevar.


DINGDINGDING! We have an Invite milestone to announce: The two parodies by Beverley Sharp appearing below are her 1,000th and 1,001st blots of Invitational ink, admitting her into the Invite Hall of Double Fame or Something Like That. Beverley first hit the Invite in 2005 (with a foal name) shortly after she moved to D.C., and quickly became a constant presence with everything from dog-poop jokes — she raised Great Danes — to the dozens of brilliantly crafted and laugh-out-loud funny parodies and other poems she’d send us, even after she and her husband returned to Alabama, and quite often from a cruise in Alaska or Ecuador or Russia. Here’s a sampling of some of Beverley’s classic parodies from the past two decades, along with a few of her other specialty: doggerel about obscure people’s unusual demises, from our annual obit-poem contest.

Zinger-Songwriters: The current-events parodies of Week 121
In Invitational Week 121, we once again welcomed song parodies — videos or just lyrics — about recent news events. As always, we were bombarded with excellent submissions: Three different writers superbly turned West Side Story’s “Maria” into “García,” a song about the man mistakenly deported to El Salvador; we robbed two of them of ink this week.

In case you’re not sure how some of this week’s melodies go: Click on the link in each title to hear the tune of the original, and then you can sing along lustily with these newsy lyrics.

Third runner-up:
Musk’s plans to personally repopulate the Western world with his sperm (To “I Am Woman”):
We need women birthing more
Musk babies — maybe several score,
Given men like him are in such short supply.
He produces sperm galore,
With genes inherently top-drawer,
Which he can donate right up to the day he’ll die.

Whoa, yes, he has smarts; his IQ is off the charts.
And, yes, he’s rich as sin — the richest man there’s ever been.
He is here to save humanity!
He is white — white!
He is incredible — incredible)!
He is Elon!
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:


^ “The Traitor Bunch,” parody of the theme of (duh) by Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.

First runner-up:
Trump threatens to cut off child nutrition funds to Maine because it won’t ban transgender athletes (to “If I Only Had a Brain”)
You must cater to the bigots, or we’ll turn off the spigots;
We’re doling out the pain.
If you don’t go on a bender, ban the folks we call transgender,
We’ll cut off the funds to Maine.

If you want those federal dollars to help your native scholars,
Then stay, pal, in your lane,
Former men in women’s swimming mean your hopes for bucks are dimming;
We’ll cut off the funds to Maine.

We’ll slash your schooling cash! So kick them out of sports;
It’s your duty now to look inside their shorts —
You say you’ll see us in the courts?

Your activities aerobic — go make ’em more transphobic!
We’re here to yank your chain,
So commence discrimination or we’ll screw your education,
Yes, we’ll cut the funds for Maine.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Mona Lisa food-stain-by-number dish towel:
Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore — watch him perform his parody at the top of this page.

Second Fiddles: Honorable mentions

Parody of “King of the Road,” written and performed by Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth plans to “modify” military physical fitness standards (to “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan):
I was a soldier in my day,
A super-macho warrior for the good old U.S.A.,
Back then the Army was my home,
And every single fighter had an XY chromosome.
Along came DEI, they said give girls a try,
Eased up the fitness test so they could qualify.
Soon they were in the ranks on every combat team,
In every fighting force, it made me want to scream,
God! What have we done?
She’s got a vagina, and she carries a gun (can’t have that),
My job number one:
I’ll move back the goalposts until there are none.

And then we’ll be a dicks-only club — the U.S. military
Is a dicks-only club! Every chest is hairy,
And we’re all manly men, not one Jane or Mary,
In our dicks-only club, dicks-only club.

It’s God’s law — he’s made it very clear —
That you’re not built for battle if you’re wearing a brassiere.
Ladies, instead of making war,
Go back to making babies like in centuries before.
Respect for history requires a policy,
Of meritocracy, except for guys like me,
I’ll start a Signal chat — what could be wrong with that? —
Where I’ll pursue my scheme, so I won’t have to scream,

God! What have we done?
We’re teeming with females, our ranks overrun (can’t have that)
My job number one:
Kick out every daughter and keep every son,
And then we’ll be a dicks-only club, just one single gender
In our dicks-only club! Never say surrender!
So let’s all have a drink, pour one from the blender
In our dicks-only club, dicks-only club.

I know we’re gonna take a hit,
’Cause all those screaming feminists will surely lose their shit.
Still there’s a safe place I can go,
Where I can sing this song inside my makeup studio.
God! What have we done?
We’re no longer feared like Attila the Hun (can’t have that)
My job number one:
Get rid of the women, make soldiering fun,

And then we’ll be a dicks-only club; nothing comes between us,
In our dicks-only club, no one can demean us,
And I’m here at the top, thinkin’ with my penis,
In our dicks-only club, dicks-only club.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)


^ Parody of “My Girl,” by Marty Gold, Arlington, Va.

—

Trump has decided that Chuck Schumer is “not Jewish anymore”
(To “I’m Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter”)
Sung by Sen. Schumer:
I’m gonna write the Prez a strongly worded letter
And tell him what he’s gotta do.
I’m gonna show him my contempt
While being strong and not verklempt.
I’m gonna make that fascist schnook kiss
My pink and wrinkled tuchis!
Trump’s gonna see how I’ve become a real go-getter
Who'll fight the crap he plans to do.
And though my letter’s gonna wind up in the shredder,
He’ll know that he can't scare this Jew. (Chris Doyle)

ICE Cold (to “Wouldn’t It Be Nice”)
Wouldn’t it be ICE who’s snatching toddlers,
Jailing students for their wrongthink speech?
And wouldn’t it be ICE who (they’re no dawdlers)
Ships its prisoners south: “They’re out of reach”?
No surprise they’re up to these abuses —
That was something any fool deduces…

Wouldn’t it be ICE, invading churches,
Stomping through the courts and raiding schools?
And wouldn't it be ICE: unlawful searches,
Acting like they're free from laws and rules?
Here’s the thing about a reign of terror,
No one’s held to an account for error.
Wouldn’t it be ICE? (Duncan Stevens)

—


^ The Cabinet Secretary’s Secret Homage, a parody of “You’re the Top” by Cole Porter. By Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; sung by Valerie Holt.
At base brown-nosing, I’m not imposing,
So I’d always been circumspect,
But now I find that to be correct:
I should genuflect, spit-bedecked.
I used to think I would give the stink-eye
To groveling on my knees.
But abject ravin’ does not seem craven
In a martinet’s failing Cabinet:

You’re the top! You’re a madhouse tour!
You’re the top! You’re like fine manure!
You’re a mournful dirge or a Stalin purge, you’re shite!
You’re North Korea, you’re gonorrhea, you’re celery blight!
You are vile, like a week-old pizza,
Or diarrhea at Chichén Itzá,
I'm a worthless stooge, a two-bit Scrooge, a pawn,
But if, baby, I’m a flunky, you’re the Don!

—

Trump Sings to the Canadians (To “Consider Yourself” from “Oliver!”)
Consider your brand-new home!
Consider yourself part of our family!
My army is fierce and strong;
(I’m SURE you’re going to soon belong!)

Consider yourself our state!
Consider yourself “Fabulous Fifty-One!”
Whatever you’ve got, we’ll share —
Unfair? Get used to it, we don’t care.

If it should chance to be
We should see some Russian MiGs
(Those invading pigs!) on high,
Since it is up to me, you will be the somebody
Who will shoot them down (or die!)
Consider yourself our mate;
We don’t want a stink or fuss;
For, after some consideration, YOU’RE OUR STATE!
Consider yourself one of us!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

—

Sir Elon Nix-a-Lot’s Rap (To “Baby Got Back”)
I like big cuts and I cannot lie!
You other cutters can’t deny
That when a guy comes in with an itty bitty soul
And begins to seize control, you feel good!
Losers start to weep ’cause they notice that cut was deep!
Promises I’m withdrawin’ —
I’m hooked and I can’t stop sawin’!
Oh, slackers, right after I judge it,
I'll slash your budget!
I've seen the wastin’—so let’s start erasin’!
It’s bad, sad, got the voters feelin’ super mad!
I’m tired of libs who say more spending is the way;
It’s so obvious that we have gotten off track,
We gotta take a hack.

So, fellas (yeah), ladies (yeah),
Does the gubmint need a cut? (Hell yeah!)
I’m gonna make it (make it) make it (make it)
Make that healthy cut — take a big hack.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)


^ “The Ballad of Donald and JD,” a parody of Billy Joel’s “Scenes From an Italian Restaurant.” Written, performed, and produced by Dave Scheiber, St. Petersburg, Fla.

—

Falconry! The RFK Jr. Song (To “Shaving Cream” by Benny Bell)
Vaccines are a great innovation;
Their invention took genius and pluck.
But Bobby thinks we shouldn’t get them;
That’s because he is stupid as —
Falconry! (His hobby, you see!)
It’s not just for rich D-bags, I’m sure you’ll agree!

He loves quackery, snake oil, and nonsense,
And eats critters run over by trucks.
He cut funding that could have cured cancer;
I guess he was fresh out of—

Falconry! It fills him with glee
To watch his hawks snuff out a bunny or three!

He thinks Jews are protected from covid
(I guess those who died just had bad luck?)
He says AIDS isn’t caused by a virus,
This unqualified, worm-eaten—
Falconry! It's fun as can be!
Puree mice and chicks to shock your family!

Well, I tried my best to be amusing
And to laugh at that Kennedy schmuck,
But it’s tough, ’cause when I think about him,
I find all of my words turn to—
Falconry! I mean … falconry!
This dumb motherfalconing falconry!
(Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Where We Are Today (To “Anything Goes”)
In olden days some defamation
Could lose you the nomination;
Now Hades knows — anything goes!
Big issues you can deal with later
Just go down the escalator
And strike a pose — anything goes!

We’ve got spite today, no birthright today,
Might is right today and we fight today,
We throw books away and love disarray,
Tweaking truth on the nose….

Important jobs are yours to earn —
Voice opinions that nimbly turn
With each wind that blows — anything goes!

Screw scientists and give facts a twist,
And make gotcha lists and get experts dissed,
Heap a load of scorn on the foreign-born —
You’ll forget all your woes….

The leadership across this nation
Is built on insinuation.
We’ve reached new lows — everything goes! (including your rights)
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)


^ Trump calls his imposition of huge tariffs “Liberation Day”
By the Jonathan Jensen Quintet of Clones (to the Beach Boys’ “Graduation Day”)

—

To My Papal Successor (To “I Hope You Dance”)
I hope you never lose that wondrous feeling
When you stand beneath the Sistine Chapel ceiling.
May the faithful find your edicts evenhanded,
And with God you see the church’s reach expanded.
I hope you lead the Catholic flock with grace and mercy,
And you rid the papacy of controversy.
Promise me you’ll drop the pomp and circumstance,
And, most of all, make sure there’s not a chance
That you meet Vance.
Yes, JD Vance.
—- Pope Francis (Chris Doyle)

Hello From El Salvador (To “Maria” from West Side Story)
Sung by President Nayib Bukele:
García! I’m holding Abrego García!
Who cares if there’s no ground?
Trump pays me to impound — a fee!
García! American lawsuits won’t free ya!
Those judges lack the juice
To ever pry you loose from me!

García! Let the Democrats keep on braying!
The world’s coolest dictator is saying,
García! In prison you’re staying … García. (Mark Raffman)

Hundred Days (To “Glory Days”)
I won it all saying I’d turn back the clock
To a dreamland
We’d have peace, jobs, lower prices
DEI would be banned
Showed up the other night at the rally site
I was talking ’bout my first hundred days
But inflation’s back, Dow’s tanked, my polling stinks
So how to explain the malaise? It’s…
Biden’s fault
World still waging war? Biden’s fault
That woman in the New York store?
An assault? ... Biden’s fault!
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The Major Disruptor’s Song (To “The Major-General’s Song” from “The Pirates of Penzance”)
I am the very model of an autocratic president;
I’ve learned some nifty tricks from Vlad; I’m not the least bit hesitant
To silence those who disagree, to make dissenters disappear;
(So far, I’m only firing them, but who knows in another year?)
The leaders from around the world all scratch their heads confusedly;
They can’t predict what I’ll do next — I snicker quite amusedly!
My tariffs have caused quite a mess! So what? That’s just the way it goes.
(I thrive on the attention, and I love to keep them on their toes!)
I'm great at public speaking and, quite frankly, I enjoy my rants;
I never hear complaints ’cause I surround myself with sycophants!
I have a big announcement now, although I know the Dems will squirm:
In 2028, NO NEED TO VOTE — I’ll serve another term!
(Beverley Sharp)


^ Judy Freed and her close friend Judy Freed perform “Goodbye Money,” to “Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little/ Goodnight Ladies” from The Music Man.

The headline “Zinger-Songwriters” was submitted independently by Great Minds Chris Doyle, Jesse Frankovich, and Jon Gearhart; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 11, at 9 p.m. ET: Our “grandfoal” spinoff of our contest to “breed” two racehorse names. Click on the link below for the details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich; Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 122: Colt Fusion
As Derby day nears, we have our winning pun-filled foal names -- and our 'grandfoal' contest
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 01, 2025


It’s The Invitational’s brand-new foal — named … see the 93 choices below.
Hello. Welcome to the finish line of the 32nd Invitational Derby. As always, we challenged you to “breed” any two names from a list of 100 three-year-old racehorses nominated for this year’s Kentucky Derby and other Triple Crown races . . . and then name the foal. This is among the most ancient and popular and redundant Invitational contests, which we have introduced here for 30 years, always striving for some new way to make it interesting. This year we wish to state here that “foal” is an anagram of “loaf,” something we had not realized before and which we hereby present as something entertaining even if it is lame and pointless. The point is, we’re trying.

But we don’t have to try, it turns out! You’ve made it interesting with your entries. We got more than 1,800 of them, a shocking percentage of which were very good, meaning we had to kill a whole bunch of worthy entries, including yours. That is our message to each and every one of you today: If your entry does not appear below, please understand it was the very last one cut, a decision we made so reluctantly that we considered committed seppuku over having done it. Splendid.

And now, the second race on this year’s card:

For Invitational Week 70: “Breed” any two of today’s inking foal names and give the “grandfoal” a name that reflects both names, just as the foal names do. We even have a nice printable list of this week’s foals right here (or type in tinyurl.com/inv-list-122).

Just as with the Week 120 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-122. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 15.

The winner gets — continuing our Spring Chicken prize theme — a pair of chicken-foot socks whose soles niftily play on the H&M logo to spell out HEN. Because of tariff changes, these socks are now worth $849.


They were out of hoof socks.
Breed All About It: The foal names of Week 120
We got waaay too many. You are all pun geniuses, even those of you who flunked out of English in 10th grade. There are more 1,800 entries, more than last year. How good were they? The following entries were submitted in such great numbers that they could not qualify for ink on the basis of simple redundancy:

Garamond x A.P. Kid = Font of Knowledge

River Thames x Handsome Pants = London Britches

Barnes x Voldemort = Barnes Ignoble

But now, the winners:

Third runner-up:
Breed Rodriguez with Ripped and name the foal Roidriguez (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Second runner-up:
What Me Worry x Be Real = Alfred E. Human (Stephen Gilberg, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
Captain Cook x Rank = Captain, Obviously (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

And the winner of the lamp in the shape of a chicken who’s laying a lightbulb egg:
Olive Green x Citizen Bull = Oyl of Olé (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)


Off-Track Begetting: Honorable mentions
A.P. Kid x Exuberant Mischief = Essay Tease (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

A.P. Kid x Test Score = Long Time No C (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

A.P. Kid x Rank = P.U. Kid (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

A.P. Kid x Optical = Star Pupil (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

A.P. Kid x Studly Doright = Study Doright (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

A.P. Kid x Voldemort = The Dork Lord (Mary McNamara)

American Promise x Donut God = Manifest Density (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Be Real x Flood Zone = You’re Delugional (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Big Boat x Capitol Hill = YachtaYachtaYachta (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa; Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Big Boat x Getaway Car = Can’t Ketch Me (Laurie Brink)

Capitol Hill x Citizen Bull = Point of Ordure (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)

Capitol Hill x Contribution = Capital Hill (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Chunk of Gold x Rapture = Oregasm (Jeff Contompasis)

Cipher x Last Man Standing = Code Duello (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Citizen Bull x Naughty Rascal = Beef Strokin’ Off (Jeff Contompasis)

Contribution x Exuberant Mischief = Go Fun Me (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Crab Daddy x Donut God = Carb Daddy (Neil Kurland)

Crab Daddy x Mistress = The Liceman Cometh (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)

Cut the Dust x Be Real = Cut the Crap (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Cut the Dust x Big Boat = OreckOfTheHesperus (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Dear Chairman x California Burrito = Maothful (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

Donut God x Flying Mohawk = Beignet & the Jet (Mary McNamara)

Donut God x Contribution = Holey Chit (Frank Osen)

Donut God x Kick It In = Cruller Than Death (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Donut God x Makes Sense = Glazed Unconfused (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

Flood Zone x No Escape = Water We Gonna Do? (Lee Graham)

Flying Mohawk x Coal Battle = I Pity the Fuel (Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)

Garamond x Innovator = New Serif in Town (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Guns Loaded x California Burrito = Gangsta Wrap (Jonathan Paul; Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Hands of Time x Maitre D = Won’t Wait for You (Frank Osen)

Hands of Time x Only in America = From Don to Musk (Elizabeth Kline, Frederick, Md.)

Icemaker x Only in America = Great Deportations (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Itsmybirthday x Garamond = Baptismal Font (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Journalism x Aftermath = The 1/4th Estate (Jon Gearhart)

Keep It Easy x Touchy = Make It Hard (Michael Rosen, New York)

Last Man Standing x Chunk of Gold = Survivor Gilt (Hildy Zampella)

Last Man Standing x Passion Rules = Lust Man Standing (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Lionel x Cut the Dust = Messy (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Lionel x Grande = Messi Beaucoup (Andrew Rosenberg)

Lionel x Mistress = HO (Marc Leibert, Travis AFB, Calif.)

Lured Away x Sandman = Kid Napped (Mia Wyatt)

Luxor Cafe x Necessity = Mummy of Invention (Jeff Hazle)

Luxor Cafe x Cipher = WalkLikeEncryption (Chuck Helwig)

Luxor Cafe x Crab Daddy = Fish and Cheops (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Maitre D x Chunk of Gold = Maitre A-Plus (Stephen Dudzik)

Mellencamp x Mistress = John’s Cougar (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Mellencamp x Chunk of Gold = Cougar-rand (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

Mistress x Studly Doright = Mountee (Jonathan Paul)

Mistress x Legitimate = Mrs. (Ben Aronin, Washington, D.C.)

Mistress x Legitimate = Illegit Mate (Steve Langer, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Naughty Rascal x Necessity = Sinner Qua Non (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Olive Green x Big Boat = Oil Aboard! (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

Olive Green x Big Boat = Spinach Armada (Duncan Stevens)

Optical x Mistress = Optometryst (Jeff Shirley)

Optical x Test Score = EyeQ (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Passion Rules x Coal Battle = Carbon Dating (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Patch Adams x Naughty Rascal = Robbin’ Williams (Eric Nelkin)

Patch Adams x Handsome Pants = Throbbin’ Williams (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Poster x Adventurist = Billboard Baggins (Frank Osen)

Power From Above x Admire Daytona = Sects on the Beach (Tim Watts)

Power From Above x Handsome Pants = Lord & Tailored (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Power From Above x Handsome Pants = Solar Flair (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.; Steve Langer)

Power From Above x Passion Rules = Deus Sex Machina (Michael Porcello, Washington, D.C.; Jonathan Paul)

Publisher x Guns Loaded = Simon & Shoots Her (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.; Mary McNamara)

Rank x A.P. Kid = Stinky & the Brain (Perry Beider)

Rank x Guns Loaded= No.1 With a Bullet (Hildy Zampella)

Rapture x Be Real = Raptcha (Judy Freed)

Render Judgment x Chunk of Gold = Gilty (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.; Jonathan Paul)

Render Judgment x Garamond = Not My Type (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

River Thames x Icemaker = London Fridge (Paul Madigan; Jeff Hazle)

Rothko x Lionel = Mark Train (Steve Price, New York; Mike Hammer)

Scarecrow x Keep It Easy: No-Brainer (Jesse Frankovich; Andrew Rosenberg)

Scarecrow x Built = If I Only HadABra (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Scorching x Donut God = Fire in the Hole (Bernard Brink)

Scorching x Flying Mohawk = Smoker’s Coif (Tim Watts)

Sock It to Me x Cut the Dust = Mike Dyson (Mia Wyatt)

Sock It to Me x Power From Above = Socket to Me (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Sock It to Me x He’s Not Joking = Stop Laugh-In (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Studly Doright x Naughty Rascal = The Full Mountie (Jonathan Paul)

Studly Doright x The Last Straw = Brokeback Mountie (Jonathan Paul)

Tiztastic x Built = Titztastic (Frank Osen)

Touchy x Clever Again = Touché (Mark Raffman)

Tux x Exuberant Mischief = Yux (Duncan Stevens)

Voldemort x Donut God = The Dark Lard (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Gregory Koch)

What Me Worry x Only In America = Of Course Me Worry (Frank Osen)

What Me Worry x Journalism = Alfred E. Newsman (Mark Raffman)

What Me Worry x Passion Rules = Usual Gang of Ids (Jonathan Paul)

And Last: Neoequos x Clever Again = AndNow,Grandfoals! (Laurie Brink)

The headline “Breed All About It” is by Laura Clairmont; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 4, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest for songs about topics in the news. Click on the link below for the details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Laura Clairmont)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 121: It's Parody Time
Send us your songs about what's going on these days. Plus the results of our vaguest contest ever.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Apr 24, 2025


Above, Sandy Riccardi updates the lyrics to the song she wrote in 2016.

Hello.

Last week we posted our annual horse-“breeding” wordplay contest, one that many otherwise sane people come back to The Invitational to enter every year, along with our hundred or so Usual Suspects who enter almost every week (you still have time to enter!). And this week we have another one for the specialists:

For Invitational Week 121: Write a humorous song about current events, set to any familiar tune (or even your own tune, if you’ll sing it to our readers, as nine-time Loser Sandy Riccardi does above). Tell us which song your lyrics are parodying, preferably including a link to the original tune, one we can sing along to. Videos are welcome as well; on the entry form, tell us that you’ve made a video, and include a public link (e.g., YouTube) to your performance along with your lyrics.

Even with videos: Unless it’s compellingly watchable — like “Stand by Your Sham,” our Week 74 winner by Dave Scheiber, in which his wife lip-syncs to an old video of Tammy Wynette, amid a sprightly slide show of graphics — your song shouldn’t run much over two minutes.

Please see further instructions here (along with links to some classic Invite parodies).

And the One-Man Loser Band and Assorted Singers might even be able to perform your song at the Flushies, the Loser Community’s annual awards “banquet” (potluck), Sunday afternoon, May 25, at the Empress’s palace, Mount Vermin. (RSVP here if you’d like to come.)

It takes us time to listen to and sing along with hundreds of entries, but we’ll give you an extra day (plus, if you read last week’s Invite, you were rewarded with being tipped off a whole week early): Deadline is Sunday, May 4, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Unlike most weeks, if you send them earlier, we’ll try to look at them earlier. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 8.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-121. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Type up your lyrics just as you’d like to see them in print.

This week’s winner receives the fabulous Stain-by-Numbers Mona Lisa: It’s a cotton dish towel imprinted with a paint-by-number diagram of The Enigmatic One, but the numbers correspond to various suggested food stains: No. 7 is Mustard/ Papaya/ Turmeric; 16 is Chocolate Sauce/ Black Beans; and for No. 13 you can use BBQ Sauce, Chili, or Blood. Donated — unfortunately not in time for our recent food art contest — by Dave Prevar.


Wipe up stains very, very selectively: This week’s prize.
Blanky Panky: The results of Week 119

The above empty square was the only “instruction” we gave you for Week 119 of The Invitational, other than telling you where to send your entries. Thank you for not telling us where to go, in return. As you will see, the people who got ink were those who most cleverly thought, well, outside the box.

What got no consideration were all those entries that defined nothingness as cliched null sets, like “a full list of Donald Trump’s good qualities,” or “an X-ray of Marco Rubio’s spine.” A lot of people went there, and their entries wound up in a wholly different all-white destination:


Third runner-up: Democrats plan to express their fury by waving dozens of these flags at next year’s State of the Union. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Second runner-up: Health Secrets Doctors Don’t Want You to Know! (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up: What you don’t want to be seeing when the optometrist asks you, “Better or worse?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the big plush french-fry box hat:
There was a shakeup at the Etch-a-Sketch company board meeting, as reflected in the minutes. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Now, the Gene Pool Gene Poll

POLL
Which of the entries above is funniest?
3rd runner-up: Democrats' SOTU flag
18%
2nd RU: "Health secrets"
7%
1st RU: Optometrist's question
12%
Winner: Etch-a-Sketch Co. minutes
63%
355 VOTES · POLL CLOSED
(As always, if you find entries you prefer in the honorable mentions (below), feel free to air your differences in the Comments section.)

Leave a comment

Nothing Flat: Honorable mentions
Trump’s sweeping tariffs were so devastating that the penguins on Heard and McDonald islands can no longer afford jackets for their tuxedos. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Van Gogh’s lesser-known “Snowy Night.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

This is what God looked like before He created faces and three dimensions. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Another brick in the wall of an igloo. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

BEFORE (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Complications arose when the IRS tried to issue its new 1040 forms, since DOGE had cut the entire printer toner budget. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Annual meeting of Former Wheelchair Users Who Can Now Walk Thanks to Prayers from Televangelists. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

“Honey, I think the new meds are working! I’m not seeing things anymore!” (Judy Freed)

Snowman orgy. (Roy Ashley)

A movie still from “Attack of the Blancmange.” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

The Bodie, Calif., White Pages (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

Jack in the box. (Tom Witte)

The perfect Mother’s Day gift, this frame allows Mom to imagine what you would have become if you’d only listened to her. (Steve Smith)

Trump’s physique, drawn by a Cubist. (Neil Kurland)

And Last:
Between the headlines and “Hello.” there is just a big abyss.
Didn’t know what else to do, so I filled it in with this.
Nothing witty, cute, or clever. Nothing wonderful or wise.
If it inks, it’s just ’cause nothing now can come as a surprise.
(Judy Freed)

And Even Laster:
A tariff on imported pixels led to a crisis on Gene Pool publication day. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Blanky Panky” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 26: It’s our most popular contest of the year, the pun-filled horse name “breeding” contest. Click on the box below.

InvisibleInk!
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Examples: (Sandy Riccardi; Dave Scheiber)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 120: Pun for the Roses
It's our annual horse 'breeding' wordplay contest. Plus winning wacky crossword clues.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Apr 17, 2025


Breed Triple Crown nominees
Roger Roger and Passion Rules
and name their foal Yes Yes I Will Yes
Rapture x Exuberant Mischief = Rupture
Maitre D x Mistress = Maitre DD
—

Hello.

Thirty years ago, a hardbitten journalist by the name of Mike Hammer, like the guy in the detective stories, came to us with a contest idea. In addition to being an Invitational fan, Mike was a horse racing aficionado, and he noted the tradition of naming racehorses by alluding to the name of either or both parents, the way that Man O’ War was the sire of War Admiral. How about if we do it with Invite-level wordplay? Every year since, our “breeding” contest has consistently been our most popular, drawing thousands of entries — usually including Mike’s.

For Invitational Week 120: At this link (tinyURL.com/inv-horses-2025) is a list of 100 of the hundreds of 3-year-old racehorses nominated for the 2025 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. “Breed” any two names on that list and name the “foal” to humorously play off both parents’ names, as in the examples above. (Yes, we know they’re almost all male. Maybe they’ll adopt.) You may submit as many as 25 pairings.

On the same link above, beneath the list of names, are the dozens of inking entries from last year’s contest. You’ll get a good idea of what we’re looking for.

Note these Hard ’n’ Fast Rules!
— As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps).

— Please write each entry in the A x B = C format of the examples above so we can sort the thousands of entries by horse-parent name. Just like this:
Hancock x Stoke the Fire = Stroke the Fire
NOTE: If you have several entries using the same horse, each entry has to be full, like the one above.

— Don’t give a foal a name that’s already on the list; such an entry never gets ink.

Deadline is Saturday, April 26, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 1, two days before Derby Day.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-120. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

When we run the results two weeks from now, we’ll have our annual spinoff contest, to breed any two of the winning names to name a “grandfoal.” (So if you’re not a yearly Gene Pool subscriber, a measly $5 for a one-month subscription will let you enter the foal and grandfoal contests, along with the almost daily riches of Gene’s oeuvre, plus get all the other Pool noodles.)

The winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby gets a blanket of roses and $3.1 million. But you could score a mini-lamp in the shape of a chicken who’s beginning to lay a lightbulb egg.

Sorry, a real egg was too expensive. This week’s prize lamp.

Once More With Fill-In: The crossword clues of Week 118
In Invitational Week 118 we presented you with a partially finished NYT Sunday crossword grid and asked you to fill in any of the Acrosses or Downs with your choice of letters, then supply a funny clue. Some winners this week are in the cryptic-crossword style, in which the clue plays on the letters of the word, not just its meaning — like this one by Howard Walderman: OBES: Slightly overweight.

While the blank squares allowed for lots of variety, especially in those long phrases that span the grid, there was still some duplication; too many people to credit translated 85A [DR_N_H] as DR. INCH, an ED specialist.

Third runner-up:
40 Across [_ CH _ ES ]: ACHIES: What owies become as you get older
(Bruce Johnson, Churchton, Md.; Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Second runner-up:
103 Across [ _R_N_]: ARKNE: The heart of darkness (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
99 Across [R_AD_E_WE_ _T_E_IN_S]: RYADZEXWEZOTYEZINXS: The latest drug advertised on TV, with the warning “People allergic to Ryadzexwezotyezinxs should not take Ryadzexwezotyezinxs” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

And the winner of the framed portrait of Donald Trump made out of genuine covfefe grounds [runner-up in our food-art contest]:
49 Down [JU_T_S]: JUST US: What’s left once the courts are gone
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Note: The prize for top crossword clue was donated by 398-time Loser Craig Dykstra, who created this portrait of Trump …



… using genuine covfefe grounds for our Week 116 food-art contest (he was first runner-up), cutting out a stencil on adhesive film. To winner Sam Mertens, Craig offers either to send it to him (framed or not) or "If they would prefer not to have it, I would also be happy to take photos of it on fire and send those along instead."

Your call, Sam.

—

Not a Clue: Honorable mentions

1A: PAMP: He coddles his hookers (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

2D: ALOHO: A greeting with a lay (Kevin Dopart)

4D: POTTY PICS: An even worse social media trend than food photos (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

10D: BANG ME: A first-date request that generally results in no second date (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

11D: MIME: “Auntie ____,” the shortest-lived Broadway musical (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

13A: CHUMS: Fishing buddies (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

15D: NINE DOLLARS: What Yo Mama charges the baseball team (Jeff Shirley)

22A: TRIAL: A period that comes before a sentence (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

23A: LOOB: Moisturizing nipple cream (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

27A: TESTS DECIDE THE BOINK: How can you tell if I’m the father? (Jeff Shirley)

27A: TARTS DERIDE THE BOINK: Another bad poll for Trump (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

28D: SUXE: The opposite of luxe (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

33A: BETTA: How butta makes matza taste (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

34D: ASSALT: What it’s like when they dumped half the shaker into your movie popcorn (Judy Freed)

34D: ASSOLÉ: The annoying drunken Spaniard at the bullfight (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

34D: ASSFLY: Levi’s “trapdoor” jeans were its worst-selling model ever (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

35A: PREHISTORIC PERIODS: Why Oog wife invent maxipelt (Jesse Frankovich)

44A: AIRS: They’re often put on to accessorize an Armani suit (Jon Ketzner)

50D: ENOS: A crooked nose (Jeff Contompasis)

52A: JUGS BY THE POUND: A chain of discount implant clinics (Jeff Contompasis)

52A: PUNS BE THY PRUNE: Shakespearean insult meaning “your humor is the pits” (Kevin Dopart)

52A : NUNS BY THE P-FUNK: “Sister Act” remake by George Clinton (Sam Mertens)

52A: BUYS BOTH A PRUNE: What Mom does when the twins can’t poop (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

56D: WUNCE: How many times Danny Quayle did his spelling homework (Judy Freed)

57A: NOBULL: Another prize that Donald Trump is not going to win (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

61A: COVERY: One’s first return to health (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

62A: GRIM MEN IN THEATERS: Drama critics. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

62A: GRIP MEN IN THEATERS: Dating advice from Lauren Boebert (Sam Mertens; Jesse Frankovich)

65D: EENY: The first word spoken by Trump when given a set of strategic options (Jonathan Jensen)

70A: BONES IN MY ASHES: Crematorium one-star review (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

70A: DANES IN A LATHER: Result of Trump’s Greenland remarks (Michael Stein)

78A: BOE: To ruin an airplane. “Whoa, did you see that panel pop out? They sure are boeing things up these days.” (Michael Stein)

81A: ACME: The god of anvils (Jeff Contompasis)

87A: POSTGRADUATE LEGREE: What you get when you've mastered the finer points of inhumanity. “Trump officials defended ICE detention practices, insisting that all the agents had earned postgraduate legrees.” (Duncan Stevens)

87A: POSTGRADUATE REGRET: “And I thought majoring in DEI would open doors for me” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) .

89D: U.S. FINE: 1. Claim made by our President. 2. The price we are all paying. (Judy Freed)

91D: EXTIME: Those awkward minutes of small talk when you drop the kids off with the cheater. (Bruce Johnson)

92D: GO-EF-ME: Site to raise money for your sex dungeon (Sam Mertens)

93A: BEERD: This guy (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)


95A: DOGEDIVE: What Tesla stock is taking (Jesse Frankovich)

99A: READ BETWEEN THE WINES: A combination poetry slam and happy hour (Tom Witte)

99A: READ BETWEEN THE KINKS: How to find a meaningful relationship on a fetish dating site (Michael Stein)

106A: AMIMA: Palindrome answered by a pregnancy test (Jeff Shirley)

108A: ONEST: “I not only outrank every President, I am the Number ___ ever” (Frank Osen)

And Last:
106A: AI INK: What the Invitational will soon be full of (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Once More With Fill-In” is by Chris Doyle; Chris also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 19: Our contest for … well, just click on the box below and take a look.


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The Invitational Week 119: Step Into the Void
Plus winning additions to the Signalgate texts
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Apr 10, 2025


Hello. Ready for a challenge? Good. Want some help? Too bad.

That’s the new contest, above, everything that’s between the Headlines and “Hello.” There are no further instructions.

The Invitational has done this only once before, exactly thirty years ago, and the results were excellent. Are you as creative as the last Invite generation was?

For Invite Week 119: Do what we just told you to do. Surprise us.

Formatting: Just our standard request that you write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end.

Deadline is Saturday, April 19, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 22.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-119.


We dare you to walk into McDonald’s with this on: This week’s prize.
This week’s winner will be crowned with a jeweled diadem. Well, close: It’s a giant plush hat that looks somewhat like a McDonald’s-type box of french fries, or one that has big weird googly eyes in front, anyway.

Chatterwocky: Your ‘Signal app texts’ from Week 117
In Invitational Week 117 the Invite asked you to further infiltrate the infamous Signal security breach involving Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Director of Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, National Security Adviser Mike Waltz, et al. — with the option of adding new participants who’d found their way into this massive security breach, or a later one.

Third runner-up:
MWaltz: Hey, it just occurred to me, we could turn this into a drinking game. Every time someone says Houthis, you have to take a shot.🍸🍸
TGabbard: LOL! 🥴🍹
PHegseth: HouthisHouthisHouthisHouthisHouthisHouthisHouthisHouthis
(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Hegseth: OK the strike was successful and reports are that the target was taken out.
Kissinger: Now do Cambodia.
Rubio: I thought you were dead!
Kissinger: I just had to come back for this.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:

Waltz: Pls provide the best POC from your staff to coordinate with us for the next couple days.
Hegseth: What??? I just fired the friggin chairman of the joint chiefs for being a DEI hire.
Waltz: Pete!! POC means point of contact, not person of color.
Hegseth: Oh … got it. Thought you were going all woke on me! 😂
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And the winner of the glorious clacking-teeth earrings:
VP Vance: I just hate bailing Europe out again.
Hegseth: I fully share your loathing of European free-loading. It’s PATHETIC.
PennyH: No, Pete, YOU’RE pathetic. And I say again that I have no respect for any man that belittles, lies, cheats, sleeps around, and uses women for his own power and ego.
Hesgeth: Mom???
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Nixed Signals: Honorable mentions
DefSec Hegseth: Man, if the Democrats knew about this, they'd be up in arms.
SenChuckSchumer: We vigorously and forcefully take no position.
DefSec Hegseth: Oh, OK.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

PHegseth: TIME NOW (1144et): Is weather is favorable for a GO?
SMiller: For some reason, NOAA’s not answering. Looking out my window now — it seems fine.
(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Hegseth: Remember — if we blow it, blame it on Biden.
Vance: No-brainer!
Gabbard: You can say that again!
Biden: Hey, folks, I can see everything you're saying.
Hegseth: Joe??!! How is that possible?
Biden: Click on Settings, then tap Font Size, then Increase.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Hegseth: Where else can we bomb while we’re at it?
Waltz: How about the Heard and McDonald Islands?
Hegseth: What’ve they got there?
Waltz: Penguins.
Hegseth: I HATE PENGUINS.
Vance: Too far away for our bombers to reach, but we’ll figure out something else to do to them. (Duncan Stevens)

Rubio: Before launching this attack, one more time, let’s read over our exact plan, forwards and backwards.
Hegseth: No problem, I’m used to having to say the alphabet backwards.
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

MarcoR: Karoline, how are you going to spin it when they ask about the Maryland man we sent to the horrible Salvadoran prison by mistake?
KaroLev: I’ll say to err is human, so this is an excellent illustration of our administration’s amazing humanity. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Hegseth: When should we meet next? 2100 hrs?
S Miller: My coffin has wifi, so I’m available in the daytime too.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Pete Hegseth: Who’s still on the chat?
Jose Cuervo: It’s just us, dude.
Jim Beam: Those other losers left hours ago.
Pete Hegseth: Well we can’t stop the party now! 🎉🎉🤣
Johnnie Walker: All right! 🥃 (Sam Mertens)

Hegseth: First bombs dropped at 0600. You’d have been impressed by the size of those things. Death could be smelled for miles!
All (in unison): QUIT TEXTING FROM THE BATHROOM!
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

MarcoR: We can’t repeat the same foreign policy mistakes that Neville Chamberlain did with ~hitler
KanyeW: Somebody tag me? (Jesse Rifkin)

Hegseth: I’m stuck in traffic on that white bridge with the arches near the Capitol.
Waltz: Oh, the Douglass Bridge.
Hegseth: Who’s Douglass?
Waltz: IDK, probably some DEI hire.
Hegseth: Let’s bomb it. (Duncan Stevens)

Vance: OK, those are the war plans. Is this secure?
Hegseth: Clean on OPSEC.
(Fox News Insta-Chyron left the chat.)
(Skywriting Messages R Us left the chat.)
(Nationals Stadium Scoreboard Readout left the chat.)
Hegseth: Mostly. (Duncan Stevens)

Vance: I can’t get POTUS to stay focused on Greenland. He keeps obsessing about Panama because of that that damn palindrome.
Gabbard: “Am a pan”?! 😕
Vance: No, that’s an anagram. A palindrome is when you spell the same way backward and forward.
Rubio: So let’s give him one for Greenland: “Live on Qaanaaq. No evil!”
Vance: Nice. Do one for Canada!
Rubio: Niagara, O roar again!
Vance: 👏👏👏
Gabbard: Hey, here’s one — Not so, Boston!
Vance: ☹️ No, Tulsi, we already own the libs.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Hegseth: What happened to our operational security plans?
Rubio: Ask JD.
Vance: Haitian immigrants ate them.
Hegseth: Makes sense. (Duncan Stevens)

JD Vance: Pete, I have coordinates for one more strike.
WaPo: Hello, it’s Bob Woodward for The Washington Post.
Vance: WTF! Who invited you?
WaPo: Haha JK! It’s me, Will Lewis. 😆
Rubio: Phew! I was worried you were a real journalist.
WaPo: 😂🤣😁
(Steve Smith)

And Last:
Waltz: Did everyone on this chat expect to get the invite?
Hegseth: I did, but those jokes went right over my head. (Judy Freed)

The headline “Chatterwocky” is by Dave Prevar; Beverley Sharp and Dave each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 12: Our Week 118 reverse-crossword contest: We give you a partially filled-in grid; you come up with up to 25 answers plus funny clues. Click on the box below.


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The Invitational Week 118: Clue Us In
We give you a partly filled-in crossword; you give us some words and funny clues. PLUS! Winning photos from our food-art contest.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Apr 03, 2025


The March 30 New York Times Crossword by Simeon Siegel, awaiting your own letters and clues (up to 25) for this week’s contest.
Hello. Today, as a protest against the Donald Trump regime, we present a marathon Gene Pool that will take you 25 hours and 5 minutes to read. And good news: Unlike Sen. Booker, you will be able to take us into the bathroom.

Okay, kidding. But this is about enduring things: It’s been many years since The Invitational last ran one of its reverse-crossword contests.

For Invitational Week 118: Write novel clues for as many as 25 answers in the grid above, across or down, first supplying your own letters in the blank squares. (Click here for a printable grid.)
— Your answer may be a single word or a phrase, a real word or one you made up.
— The letters don’t have to cross the other words; think of each answer on the grid as an individual word or phrase. When we run the inking entries, it’ll just be a list of words and definitions.
— Your clues don’t have to be as brief as in real crosswords, but they shouldn’t run more than a dozen words or so.
— IMPORTANT!!! Formatting your entries: Begin each entry, one per line up to 25, with the square number followed by A(cross) or D(own):
79A: PITH: What toddlers do at Inappropriate Language Preschool
94A: SPOP: From Slobbovia, the latest teen music fad
73D: HIN: A partial hint

Deadline is Saturday, April 12, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 15.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-118.

This week’s winner gets this week’s first runner-up: the caffeinated portrait shown below, by Craig Dykstra. Craig is putting it in a frame that will not include dartboard circles.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

LOL You Can Eat: The food art of Week 116
In Invitational Week 116 we asked you to make something funny out of real food, and send us a photo. Naturally, the comestible humor tended toward politics, wordplay, or both.

Third runner-up:


The cracks in Pete Eggseth’s defense were obvious during his
Signalgate press conference.
(Kevin Dopart and Deborah Hensley, Washington, D.C.)
Second runner-up:


“Dammit, Charlene, when are you going
to stop coddling him?”
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
First runner-up:

Coffee Mug Shot: Grounds for Impeachment
Coffee grounds on paper
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

And the winner of the folding mini-signs warning of cat vomit and dog vomit:

The Grape Divide

"With berry little resistance remaining, Republicans are making America grape again. But in Florida, the trend is getting pretty old.”
(Kevin Dopart and Deborah Hensley)
—

Table Scraps: Honorable mentions
Cereal Killer I

Insect’s wings and body made from date and prune; strips of date for the legs; and oiled blueberry eyes (Stu Segal, Charlotte, N.C.; sculpture by his niece Anja)
—

Cereal Killer II
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

—


At the next morning’s sales meeting, Cheepskate Chester
regretted eating the leftover egg salad from the company potluck.
Peeps, a Peeps Delight, graham crackers, cocoa powder, water (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
—
Couch Potato

Carved russet spud (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
—

Fybertruck: This Too Shall Pass

Tesla logo, broccoli; truck body, fruit and nut bars; outline, asparagus; windows and door, celery; tires, black lentils and carrots (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
—

Mount Flushmore: ‘Orange You Glad I Made It?’

Navel orange, Cheez-Whiz hair and eyebrows, clove eyes (Kevin Dopart and Deborah Hensley)
—


“Sure, ignore us, Francine — we remember when
you were a dollar a dozen!”
(Frank Osen)
—

Friday Dinner Special
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

—


The Tiny-Head Swan is known for its bad breath.
(Duncan Stevens)
—
When the Chips Are Don
Doritos face, Ruffles hair (Jesse Frankovich)

—


“Holy hemorrhoids, Missy — that Preparation H really did smooth your skin!”
Friend: Sumo citrus, with eyes of Trader Joe’s O’s and black beans; Missy: orange, with mouth of salt and white paint, and hair of carrot leaves (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)
—

The Leaning Tower of Pez
(Craig Dykstra)

—
Can’t Live Without It: A Heart Beet
(Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “LOL You Can Eat” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Chris Doyle and William Kennard submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 5: Our Week 117 contest to imagine more discussion in that Signal chat group, including with some new person added. Click on the link below for details.


InvisibleInk!
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Prize: (Craig Dykstra)
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The Invitational Week 117: Join Our Secret Text Group!
'Reveal' to us some more chat from the Signal app bozos. Plus lots of risque business with double-entendres.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 27, 2025


Hello.

Welcome to the New and Imporved Invitational, in which we bounce right off the news with our newfound catlike speed and grace.

We got the idea for this week’s contest by reading the excellent Substack newsletter I Might Be Wrong, by Jeff Maurer, a former staff writer for John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight. In his piece, Jeff claimed that, like the editor of The Atlantic, he, too, had been invited onto the now infamous leaked eyes-only chat group for top Trump regime intelligence officials reporting on war plans against the Houthis. Then Jeff made up a whole bunch of dialogue that he claimed to have seen.

That’s what you get to do this week. For Invitational Week 117: Reveal some more dialogue from the “Houthi PC small group.” Consider, especially, what peccadilloes the individuals might bring to the table. Your potential cast of characters includes those people on the original chat, including Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Vice President JD Vance, Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard, and National Security Adviser Michael Waltz, plus anyone else you might want to bring aboard who was also allegedly inadvertently invited. (For example, Maurer has Jeffrey Toobin pop up, as it were.)

Here’s an elongated snippet from Maurer’s piece:



And here are a couple of short ones we wrote (and along the lines of what we’re thinking of for this contest):

WALTZ: Is State prepped for the spin cycles on this, Marco?
GABBARD: Polo!
VANCE: Po… Damn, Tulsi.

—

HEGSETH: The time is 12:13. Bombs away. We’re gonna nail us some hotties, dadgummit. 🤪🔥
GABBARD: Houthis.
HEGSETH: You say it your way, I’ll say it mine.

Length: We’re not setting a limit, but longer entries have to be especially funny, worth the time and space.

No need to include art, logos, etc. Just text is fine. Emoji won’t transmit on our entry form, but you could indicate them with words and we’d try to create them on this end (we copied out the U.S. flag emoji and it came out as the letters “US,” though the ones above were fine).

Formatting your entries: Just type them as you’d like to see them published; don’t follow our usual request to type each entry on a single line. If you’re sending more than one entry, please separate them clearly in some way.

Deadline is Saturday, April 5, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 10. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-117.

This week’s winner gets a special combination of our favorite prizes: stupid toys and ridiculous earrings! They actually wind up, chatter, and walk around (removing them from one’s ears is advised for that third function).


Wondering how to accessorize that spring ensemble for Easter Mass or a Seder? Always use the right jewelry.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

But first, an announcement
We have a milestone to announce today. We do this on those rare occasions when a longtime Invitational competitor — a Loser, in our affectionate patois — achieves his or her 500th blot of ink and thus enters The Invitational Hall of Fame. Usually, we accompany this announcement with a recap of the Loser’s first inking entry, most memorable entries, and so forth. Today will be a little different, because our winning Loser is a little different.

Today, Jon Gearhart, of Des Moines, Iowa, one of the most gifted and inventive and downright hilarious Losers of all time, gets his 500th ink, but he is going to tell his own story in response to the one and only question we asked him: How do you write your entries?

Not how do you think them up or how do you craft them to be so perfect? but ... How do you write them?

Take it away, Jon.

“When I was in rehab following the car accident in 1996 that left me a quadriplegic with limited use of my hands, I got a device called a Wanchik Writer, now discontinued. I had it for a while, but the flimsy thing eventually broke. I came up with my own alternative.

“My mom had a bag of clothespins that she bought in the ’60s and she carted around the country as we moved. I clipped a clothespin to a pen …


… and I found I could palm it so the top end sits between my index and second finger and the clothespin sits against my hand.


That way when I push on the keys with the stylus tip, the pressure pushes the clothespin against my palm and I don’t simply push the pen further and further between my fingers, eventually dropping it or readjusting it.

“I once took an online typing test. My highest score was 30 words per minute. That was me typing at maximum speed for a few minutes, something that quickly tired me out. Typing at my normal pace, I type around 15-20 words per minute and I do that all day, every day. When I’m in bed, I have a touchscreen laptop that I use to keep me from going nuts waiting on helpers to get me up in the morning.”

Thanks, Jon. And welcome to Exalted Loserdom.


(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines) in a selfie.
Bawdy Doubles: The double-entendres from Week 115
In Invitational Week 115 we presented a list of situations — including the evergreen “in bed” — and asked you to tell us some things that might be said in two or more of them. “At a rodeo” plus just about everywhere else yielded jokes about “bullshit.”

Third runner-up:
Things one could say both at a rodeo and in Congress: “A lot can go wrong when you give this much responsibility to a bunch of clowns.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
In the Oval Office and in bed: “Just think — only 44 other men have occupied this space.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First runner-up:
At a football game and while dancing, and on the toilet, and in bed: “It’s time to try the Tush Push!” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.; Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

And the winner of the socks that look like feet in flip-flops:
While listening to the radio and in Congress: “We don’t need no education …” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Two Bad: Honorable mentions
In Congress and at the beach: “To get the job done, you're gonna need a bigger shovel.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Psst, just smile and tell him he did a great job.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

At a child’s music recital and at the beach: “I could feel the spray from twenty feet away!” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

At a rodeo and in bed: One o’ these days I’m gonna last eight seconds. (Tom Witte; Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

While walking the dog and in Congress: “So now you’re not even gonna try to keep him on a leash?” (Judy Freed)

On the toilet and in bed: “I’ll be out in just a second!” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

At a football game and in bed: “We can pass on the Trojans, right?” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

While driving and in bed: “Brace yourself for a speed hump.” (Chris Doyle)

At a football game and in bed: “I think you need a head coach.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

In Congress and on the toilet: “I’ll feel better once it makes its way through the lower chamber.” (Steve Smith)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “I’m proud of you! For a beginner, it’s surprisingly hard.” (Judy Freed)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “Wow, someone’s been practicing!” (Tom Witte)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Uh-oh, is that a recorder over there?” (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

At a football game and in bed: “Should we go for two?” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

At a football game and in Congress: “Those concessions made me sick.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

At a football game and in Congress and on the toilet: “I can’t believe how little we’re passing.” (Chris Doyle)

On the toilet and in the Oval Office: “I love spending time on the throne.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At a football game and in the Oval Office: “It was a perfect call.” (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart)

At a football game and on the toilet: “Looks like the bowl’s going to be filled to capacity today.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

At a rodeo and in Congress: “That’s the second rider killed this week.” (Kevin Dopart)

At the beach and in the Oval Office: “You’re not wearing a suit? What were you thinking?!” (Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed; Andy Bassett)

At a child’s music recital and in bed: “ Well, the important thing is you did your best.” (Frank Osen)

In bed and in Canada: “Nope, I’m not going down south anymore.” (Jeff Contompasis)

In bed and in Congress: “Please stop rolling over!” (Rob Cohen)

In bed and in the Oval Office: “We’re going to have to sanitize that later.” (Jeff Contompasis)

In Canada and in Congress: “How did all these loonies end up on the floor?” (Steve Smith)

In Congress and while listening to the radio: “It sounds like you need to replace that speaker.” (Chris Doyle; Jonathan Jensen; Kevin Dopart)

In Congress and at the beach: “They can be uncomfortable, but you’ll get used to flip-flops.” (Kevin Dopart)

In the Oval Office and while eating potatoes: “I said I wanted them whipped!” (Jeff Contompasis)

At a child’s music recital and in the Oval Office: “Maybe we shouldn’t take pictures while the kid has a finger up his nose.” (Judy Freed)

While dancing and in Congress: “To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right!” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

While driving and in bed: “Why does everyone feel compelled to ride my ass?” (Steve Smith)

While driving and in bed: “No, I don’t need you to draw me a map. I’ll find it.” (Judy Freed)

While eating potatoes and at a child’s music recital: “Ugh, I’ve had enough of these tots.” (Jesse Frankovich)

While eating potatoes and in bed: “It wouldn’t be so dry if you took more time heating it up.” (Judy Freed)

While listening to the radio and in the Oval Office: Enough with the car commercials already! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

At a child’s music recital, on the toilet, and in bed: “Wow, it’s longer than I’d expected.” (Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md.)

While listening to the radio, in Canada, at the beach, and in bed: "Woohoo! Barenaked Ladies!" (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Bawdy Doubles” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jesse and Kevin Dopart submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 29: Our Week 116 contest for funny art made out of real food. Click on the link for details.

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The Invitational Week 116: Throw Food at Us
Meet 'Bean Weingarten,' and make us some more or less edible art. Plus winning neologisms.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 20, 2025


Craig Dykstra created this portrait for our 2011 edible-art contest (it won fourth place). Afterward he dumped all 5,000 beans into a jar.
Hello. Gene is on vacation abroad this week, so your humble Empress of The Invitational — whose stateside palace Mount Vermin does have reliable internet — instead offers his image via legume to bring back a contest we last did fourteen years ago, one that’s always brought us fabulous results, some more of which we’ll share below.

To those new readers who learned about The Gene Pool and The Washington Pist this week from Gene’s bang-up piece about them in Mother Jones: Along with Gene’s own subversive humor, each Thursday we also bring you The Invitational, the humor/wordplay contest that used to be the edgiest thing in The Washington Post when we both, in succession, ran it there. (See below.)

For Invitational Week 116: Use real food to create a humorous picture or assemblage (e.g., a diorama) on any topic, and email us a photo or two to TheInvitational@substack.com, along with an optional title plus any other information you’d like to share about it. See the rest of the IMPORTANT!! instructions at the bottom of today’s page.

Here are some classics from three past edible-food contests, from 2006 and 2011.

From our 2006 contest to use fruit: “West Side Story: Finale,” by Jeff Brechlin. (The arms and legs are pipe cleaners, and the blades are pieces of staples.)


—

From that same contest, by Jane Auerbach: “Well, the lipo helped, too.”


From a contest later that year for pumpkins and other vegetables: “That’s it, I’m selling the hive,” by Jay Shuck.


And finally, the 2011 winner, “That’s a Wrap,” depicting the burial at sea of Osama bin Laden via a burrito and an ocean of tortilla chips, by Kevin Dopart and his daughter Alethea:


Deadline is Saturday, March 29, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 3. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest; if you’re sending a number of photos, it’s better to put just a few on each email. (Once again, that would be TheInvitational@substack.com.)

This week’s winner gets this pair of mini-signs (just four inches tall). So much easier than cleaning up after a food-covered hairball or a little poodle puke.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Make It Out of DOGE: Neologisms from Week 114
In Invitational Week 114, our annualish “Tour de Fours” contest, we asked you to come up with new terms incorporating the letter block — oh, for no particular reason — DOGE, in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces and hyphens were okay).

Third runner-up:
DOGE CHARGER: A car with a loud horn but no steering wheel or brakes. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
DE-GONAD: What Trump does to each of his Cabinet appointees. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up:
CODGERTATION: How people over 65 try to remember why they came into that particular room. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

And the winner of the socks that look like ketchup bottles:
EGO-DACTYL:
Higgledy, piggledy,
I am the president,
Greatest there’s been and there
Ever will be.
Only one person can
Superheroically
Fix all our problems and
That would be ME.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

EdGED Out: Honorable mentions

DODGEBAWL: “Waaaah, I have bone spurs.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

WRITED GOOD: Probably not the blurb to put on your novel’s cover. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

DEAD GEORGE: In the final volume of the series, the monkey gets a little too curious. (Jesse Frankovich)

GOOD EGG: A compliment never meant so much. (Elizabeth Ewert, Washington, D.C., a First Offender)

ArmageDon: The destruction of the universe, except that the Devil wins. (Diana Oertel)

DOG-E BAG: What we’ll be left holding after they’re through looting the government. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

FRIDGE OPENER: Event that leads to stress eating. “The news lately is just one fridge opener after another. Hey, what happened to the Ben & Jerry’s?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

BLODEGA: A shop that sells groceries in the front, cocaine in the back. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

A BOY AND HIS DOGE: Post-apocalyptic dystopia — but unfortunately, not a fictional story by Harlan Ellison. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

GEODODO: Someone who can’t find his mailbox without GPS. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

BLUEDGEON: To render Democrats completely feckless. Usually unnecessary for outside parties to undertake, as they do this very effectively to themselves. (Duncan Stevens)

DE-GONIF: The motto of Project 2029. (Frank Osen)

CODGE: To act curmudgeonly. “We’re not ON your lawn, gramps — quit codging!” (Duncan Stevens)

DEGOTIST: Someone who puts a bully in his place. (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

“DIVERGED. OMG. WHAT 2 DO”: “The Road Not Taken,” updated YA edition. (Duncan Stevens)

DOEG: Department of Elon’s Goons. Better name. (Judy Freed)

EGODOMETER: a safety device in sports cars that tells the driver he’s going 80 when he’s really going 60. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

EYE-NOODGE: That meaningful glance toward the door your partner gives you when they want to leave the party. (Pam Shermeyer)

GEODICK: What this clam ought to be called, by the looks of it. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Jesse Frankovich)

GIVE A DOGE A BONE: Perform minor “asks” so the new overlord feels you’re cooperating. “Sally decided to give a Doge a bone by listing the first five things she did last week: wake up, sigh, commute, sigh, log in.” (Leif Picoult)

THE HEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE: It’s said with one’s fingers crossed behind one’s back. (Jesse Frankovich)

HEY, DUDE, GO ALREADY! A key line in the new children’s book “Marvin K. Mooney Part 2”:
Your thought process rambles,
Your gait is unsteady,
The country’s a shambles
Hey, dude, go already!” (Jim Proulx, Renton, Wash., who last got Invite ink 21 years ago)

ME GOD: “The Art of the Deal” (abridged). (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

MEINE DOGWHISTLE: Elon’s just-being-friendly arm salute. (Diana Oertel)

OGDEN NOSH:
“Tonight my meal’s only course’ll
Be a single tasty morsel.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

OGDENIZE:
To devise rhymes extremely improbable
With an approach to meter that is make-your-poetry-teacher-sobbable. (Duncan Stevens)

ORANGE-ODOR: Let’s just say it doesn’t smell like money these days. (Mark Raffman)

WAITING FOR E-GODOT: Existentialist play about two hapless computer users and their slow internet connection. “It will stop buffering soon.” “Perhaps.” (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: NEOLOGED: What the Loser Community has done every few months for the past 32 years, including in 21 Tour de Fours contests alone. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Even Laster: EGO DROOP: What Losers anticipate every Thursday at noon. (Judy Freed)

The headline “Make It Out of DOGE” is by Stu Segal; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 22: Our contest for things that could be said in two different situations. Click on the link below.

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Examples: (Jeff Brechlin; Jane Auerbach; Jay Shuck; Kevin Dopart; Alethea
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The Invitational Week 115: Two Ways About It
A contest for double-entendres. Plus our caption contest winners.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 13, 2025

See them for this photo and five others in today’s results, below.
Something that might be said both while driving and while using the toilet: Will that piece of shit just pass already?

At a rodeo and in Congress: That clown got buried by a ton of bull.

At a football game and in Congress: Oh, no, it’s Mean Greene coming at me — why did I want to ever set foot in this arena?

We’re back with one of our most successful contests — which isn’t surprising, given the verbal flexibility of the Loser Community, The Invitational’s gutter-brained corps of contestants.

For Invitational Week 115: Tell us something that might be said in two (or more?) of the following situations. We begin the list, as we did in our two previous double-entendre contests, in bed. (See the results from 2019 and 2022. Winner from 2019, by Rob Cohen: At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country: “Can we get it to go?”)

In bed

In the Oval Office

At a football game

While dancing

While eating potatoes

While driving

While listening to the radio

At the beach

At a rodeo

In Congress

On the toilet

At a child’s music recital

While walking the dog

In Canada

Formatting your entries: Just so we can sort them into groups for judging, begin each entry with the two situations, as in the second and third examples above. And pleeez don’t break a single entry into multiple lines; i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end of each one.

Deadline is Saturday, March 22, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-115.

This week’s winner gets a pair of dainty socks printed with dainty sandals and dainty feet, at least in front. They’re best for actual dainty feet; they just fit the Empress’s size 7s.


It gives “painted toenails” a new meaning: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Pic and Lol: Captions from Week 113
In Invitational Week 113 we showed you seven photos; here are the inking captions for six of them. The entries for one of the two donkey foals — so many about “asses,” Democrats, or both — pretty much canceled one another out. (The winner and runners-up appear below the respective photos; the poll for your favorites appears at the end of the entries.)


First runner-up:
“Suck it, infinite number of monkeys! I wrote Hamlet in one try!” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

When it came to fan mail, Rin-Tin-Tin wished he could use a Dictaphone like Mr. Ed. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Federal workers couldn’t decide which was worse: being fired by Musk or being fired by his assistant. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Rex was paper-trained especially well. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The famed photojournalist Margaret Bark-White also worked as a WWII correspondent for Life magazine. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Dear Mr. Musk: This week I (1) used this cost-saving word processor; (2) answered all my mail; (3) held my pee until lunch hour; (4) investigated the 2020 election; (5) bit four Woke Liberals on the ankles. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The Nazis trained everyone they could on the Enigma machine. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Though she was fetching, had great posture, and was eager to lie in his bed, Donald was hugely disappointed in the young German secretary the agency sent him. (Leslie Franson, Ellicott City, Md.)

—


Third runner-up:
The Kansas City Super Bowl watch party ended early. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“That paint’s gonna dry any minute now, just you wait and see!” (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Carl’s daredevil stunt of touching his tongue to a metal flagpole failed to impress anybody, probably because it was June. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

When DHS started rounding up “anyone wearing shirts, pants, sweaters, or jackets,” neighbors grew concerned. (Leif Picoult)

The paid crowd at the rally awaits its cue to break into wild applause. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

“We Democrats are pissed as hell and we’re protesting, but we’re also in line for ice cream. (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

The Anhedonics Anonymous trip to Disneyland went about as expected. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

—


The winner of the sponges labeled “Make Me Wet” and “Squeeze Me Hard”:
The Trump administration will stop at nothing to elevate weird white guys. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

After a season-ending injury, the San Antonio Spurs found it hard to replace Victor Wembanyama. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

A young Bernie Sanders warns squirrels about the looming oligarchy. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Mortimer’s three-step program attracted few adherents. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

This 1972 advertisement turned out to be a dirty trick by the Coca-Cola Co. (Mark Raffman)

Maestro Bob conducts the Sarasota Symphony Dorkestra. (Jesse Frankovich)

Dennis soon discovered there wasn’t much demand for John Oliver impersonators at children’s birthday parties. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

—


Second runner-up:
“And then after I put a booger on his golf cart, he walked all the way back to the clubhouse.” (Kevin Dopart)

Dave was so ecstatic, he often stopped strangers to explain his jowl reduction surgery. (Frank Osen)

A moment of levity at Arnold Palmer’s funeral as the attendees remember him fondly. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

“So I’m checking her out, pretending to read a book, but I have it upside down!” (Gary Crockett)

—


“So he’s checking me out, pretending to read a book, but he has it upside down!” (Gary Crockett)

“Do you think my fear of failure might be due to the big fat F hanging over my head?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“Hot, sure. But he’s so, like, I dunno, inarticulate or whatnot.” (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Barbara felt she looked twenty years younger — and without surgery! — so long as she kept that pesky neck wattle pressed in. (Sam Mertens)

“I don’t know how I managed to superglue my middle finger to my chin, but thank God I wasn’t you-know-what-ing!” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“I mean, I haven’t worked as a finger splint model before, but how’s this pose?” (Leif Picoult)

“Good thing we’re here — The Invitational can pass the Bechdel test this week.” (Duncan Stevens; Sam Mertens)

—


“That’s for wearing white after Labor Day!” (Gary Crockett; Jesse Frankovich)

“You do how many crunches a day? I only do four.” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“I’d help you up, but OPM says that would be a DEI initiative.” (Duncan Stevens)

“I know those red socks in the laundry were yours!” (Sam Mertens)

“Have you said ‘thank you’ once this entire meeting?” (Kevin Dopart)

The headline “Pic and Lol” is by Chris Doyle.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 15: Our neologism contest for new words or phrases containing the letter block DOGE in any order.


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The Invitational Week 114: EGOD!
Coin a word including the letter block DOGE. Plus winning riffs on Dave Barry's Mister Language Person — chosen by Dave himself.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 06, 2025

Bloomberg/Bloomberg via Getty Images
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational, a special unelected-politician edition .

EGODOME: The White House.

BADGEOGRAPHY: The Gulf of America.

DODO EGG: A vain attempt to resurrect something whose time is gone.

DOGEBALL: A game in which you hurt people.

MANGOED: Pelted with rotting fruit until you can’t get the stench off. “Ralph was a nice enough guy before getting mangoed for eight years straight by the Fox News toadies.”

It’s the more or less annual game we call Tour de Fours, this time with the four-letter word of the hour:

For Invitational Week 114: Give us a new word or multi-word phrase that includes the letter block DOGE — in any order but with no other letters between them (spaces between words are okay) and describe it, as in the examples above. Use it in a funny sentence if you like; please do not use it in an unfunny sentence. For those who haven’t seen any of our twenty previous Tours de Fours, here are the results of our most recent TdeF contest, for DUST or STUD or whatever.

Formatting your entries: Begin each entry with your neologism, followed by the description. Don’t break a single entry into multiple lines; i.e., don’t hit Enter until the end of each one.

Deadline is Saturday, March 15, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 20. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-114.

This week’s winner gets a pair of otherwise very nice socks that look like off-brand ketchup bottles. De rigueur for your next White House tour.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Verb Your Enthusiasm: Channeling Mister Language Person
In Invitational Week 112, in honor of Dave Barry’s return to chronic humor column-writing, now on Substack, we invited Alert Readers to resurrect Dave’s Mister Language Person bit with some Q&As of their own. And who better to choose this week’s top four winners than Dave — the OG MLP — from our list of finalists? (And he even came up with an improved answer for one of this week’s honorable mentions.)

Third runner-up:
Q. One of Connecticut’s popular casinos is in a town called Mashantucket. What does that word mean?
A. It’s a Pequot word that means “how to eat a potato that is also a shirt.”
(Leigh Anne Mazure, Forest Hills, N.Y.)

Second runner-up:
Q. Why doesn’t the Tim Hortons coffee shop chain have an apostrophe?
A. It was actually co-founded by seven men all named Tim Horton.
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up:
Q. What is an oeuvre?
A. It is the most expensive item in a French supermarket, next to the hors.
(Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings in the shape of itty-bitty heads of garlic:
Q. Can you tell me what it means to take things literally?
A. Yes.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Way Past Imperfect: Honorable mentions
Q. Do you have a means of keeping “affect” and “effect” straight?
A. Yes, “affect” is a verb except when it is a noun, while “effect” is a noun except when it is a verb. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Q. What is the etymology of “sovereign,” as in a leader?
A. It’s from the Latin superanus, meaning “huge asshole.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Q. it drives me crazy when people misuse the word “fulsome” — meaning excessive or overdone — as a synonym for “full.” How can I gently correct them?
A. The only correct correction is to say, “Excuse me but you are fulsome shit.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Q. People often correct me on my usage of “less” and “fewer.” Please help.
A. Incorrect: “Johnny had less beans than Mary.”
Correct: “President Trump, mein Fewer!” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Q. In “Blinded by the Light,” Bruce Springsteen sings “wrapped up like a deuce.” My pal tells me it’s “revved up like a deuce.” Which is it and what does it mean?
A. You heard it correctly. It’s a reminder for people to pick up the poop after walking their dog. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Q. When should I use punctuation?
A. Whenever you feel like it like i try to limit it to once a paragraph but that still feels like a lot my mom said i should use more but idk thanks for asking! (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Q. Why are “flammable” and “inflammable” used to mean the same thing?
A. Because people started doing it before Mister Language Person was around to tell them it was stupid. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Q. How can I make my subjects and verbs agree?
A. It’s impossible! Nobody agree about anything these days. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Q. What is the etymology of the word “expensive”?
A. It’s from “eggs” + “pensive,” meaning “thinking,” as in “I’m thinking I can’t afford these eggs.” (Jesse Frankovich)

Q. When typographical symbols replace letters in an expletive, for example, “a**hole,” how is it pronounced?
A. In your case, “asteriskhole.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Q. When is it correct to write “impact” rather than “affect”?
A. Use this handy example: “My boss told me my bad writing would affect my salary, so I impacted his head.” (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Which is correct: “I live in DeTROIT” or I live in “DEEtroit?”
A. Both are wrong. You should not be living there at all. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Q. I hate it when nouns get verbed. Does that bother you, too?
A. Absolutely — that’s why I grammar. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Q. If we have to call the Gulf of Mexico “the Gulf of America,” does that mean New Mexico should now be called New America?
A. Of course not. New Mexico should be called East Arizona. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Q. Is it appropriate for a waitperson to address diners as “you guys” or “y’all”?
A. Both are acceptable but only if they are followed by a statement in the precautionary indicative tense like, say, “Y’all oughta skip the fettuccine ’cause the pasta chef has a hawkin’ cough tonight.” (Chris Doyle)

Q. Why doesn’t English have gendering like European languages?
A. Actually, it soon will: President Trump is about to issue an executive order declaring that all nouns will have the gender assigned at birth by their parent language. (Michael Stein)

Q. Why doesn’t American English spell words like “humor,” “neighbor,” and “favor” the same way as British English?
A. Because in America, u don’t matter. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Q. Why is Wednesday referred to as “hump day”?
A. It’s a nod to the older form of the word: Weddingsday, the day they all took place. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Q. I have a new boss at my federal agency. Should I address him formally as “Mr. Balls,” or is a more casual “Hello, Big!” appropriate?
A. I would go with a pleasant “Hail, cunning slayer of worthless vermin!” (Duncan Stevens)

Q. My teenage daughter told me my shoes were “dripping,” which confused me. Can you explain what she meant?
A. “Dripping” is Gen Alpha slang for trendy, so either you were wearing new Nike Air DT Max ’96s or you wet yourself again. (Chris Doyle)

Q. Today a man said he longed to be near me, against me, all over me, and on top of me. What do you suppose he meant?
A. Sounds like you’ve been prepositioned. (Jonathan Jensen)

Q. What is the proper use of “i.e.”?
A. It’s an abbreviation of “aiyee!” Example: “I told a secret to Sharon; i.e., now everybody at the party knows that I’m the one who clogged the toilet.” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Q. Do some parts of speech reflect better taste than others?
A. Yes, indeed: Organically raised pronouns are especially tasty, but beware that some people are highly allergic to they/them and can have a nasty reaction. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Q. Why is it that boxers and briefs are plural, whereas a shirt, blouse, top, or vest is singular?
A. Because the former come in multi-packs at Target. (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Is “irregardless” a good word to use?
A. No! Don’t ever use it, disirregardless of what anybody else may tell you. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Q. When people write in with a long and meandering question—you know the kind—that takes forever to get to the point, causing you to stare at your wristwatch (if you happen to wear one) or perhaps a wall clock (if you’re into the classroom aesthetic), and makes it seem like they’re just sort of dragging their feet instead of simply cutting to the chase already, do you ever want to reply with just SHUT UP?
A. Yes. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Q. What is a tilde?
A. The “~” is an abbreviation that may be used in many ways, for instance, “starring ~ Swinton” or “~ cows come home.” (Frank Osen)

Q. What is a grawlix?
A. $!#% if I know. (Brian Cohen; Leif Picoult)

Q. I am traveling to the U.K. next month. What are some usage quirks I should be prepared for?
A. Those Brits are different to us! Their government are strange. And their favourite humour has an unusual flavour and colour. Whilst you’re there, expect them to take the piss out of you. (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Fans of the serial comma often cite examples like “My parents, SpongeBob and Cher” to highlight the need for a second comma in a list of three items. But what if my parents ARE SpongeBob and Cher?
A. Wait. You are Tucker Carlson??? (Leif Picoult)

Q. Do you know an anagram of “Super Elegant Organism”?
A. Yes, this can be answered by “Mister Language Person.” (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Verb Your Enthusiasm” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 8: Our latest photo caption contest. Choose from seven photos, and you can enter a total of 25 captions.

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The Invitational Week 113: Picture This
Seven more pictures await your zany captions. Plus winning questions for our answers.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 27, 2025


Give us a caption for this or any of the other six pictures below, in this week’s Invitational contest. You get 25 entries in all.
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, a wholly owned subsidiary of


… on a sad day for journalism. We will try to happy you up today.

For Invitational Week 113: Write a caption — as many as 25 total — for any of the seven pictures above and below. For guidance, inspiration, and ultra-sheer delight, take a look the results of Week 81 and the results of Week 61 to see what we like in a caption. (More info below the set of pictures.)







IMPORTANT FORMATTING INFO THIS WEEK!! Begin each caption only with the letter on the picture — as in A. [your caption] — and keep each caption to a single line; i.e., don’t press Enter in the middle of a single entry. If you’re submitting multiple entries (and why wouldn’t you?) be sure that the first character of each of your entries is the letter on the picture.

Deadline is Saturday, March 8, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 13. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. (Don’t submit ideas this week for the honorable-mentions subhead; we don’t use it for caption results.)

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-113.

This week’s winner gets a pair of kitchen scrubber sponges that are like any other artificial-sponge sponges except that one is labeled “Make Me Wet” and the other “Squeeze Me Hard.” Donated by chronic prize donor Dave Prevar, who we’re pretty sure hasn’t used them.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Doable Jeopardy: Ask Backwards winners from Week 111
In Invitational Week 111 we presented a list of random phrases as Jeopardy!-like “answers” and invited you to follow them with the questions.

Too many people to credit offered that the star of the Philadelphia Beagles was Saquon Barky, Barkey, or Bark; and that the “official cocktail of the new administration” was the Moscow Tool.

Third runner-up:
A. Dame Agatha Christ.
Q. Who said, “Forgive them for they know not whodunnit”?
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A. About 29.
Q. How many of her lovers does Yo Mama need to ride a teeter-totter?
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
A. Only men.
Q. Who hears the words “I’m fine” and actually believes it?
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

And the winner of the “I Found That Humerus” mug featuring a picture of an arm bone:
A. The official cocktail of the new administration.
Q. What is Tequila Democracy?
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Two pertinent items: We asked Drew Goins, the Jeopardy! champ and a writer in the WaPo opinions section, to choose his fave five. They were “Forgive them,” from above, and, from below, “What may leave you hungry an hour later,” and “Russian policemen,” and “Uncle Tom” and “the defense never rests.” Worthy choices, all.

Second item, and a second poll: We had a fascinating semiotic collision emerge from your entries: For the category “It’s kind of like farting in an elevator,” we got these two good offerings: (1) “How was Donald Trump taught to smile?” (Frank Osen) and (2) “What is voting against your own self interests?” (Lisa Riggin, Clear Lake, Iowa, a First Offender)

The two entries are ostensibly similar, but actually very different. The first relies on the belief that people don’t mind the smell of their own farts, and thus farting in an elevator is a purely hostile act. The second relies on the belief that people do mind the smell of their own farts, and thus are punishing themselves while punishing others as well. We need to get to the bottom of this, as it were.

Q Dips: Honorable mentions
TWO BEDROOMS, EIGHT BATHS
What’s a suite like at the Willard InContinental Hotel? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What house design is a clue that the local plumbing contractors’ union has a lot of clout? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Can you describe the ideal Airbnb in Cancun? (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

What are the specs of the house Trump is building to store classified documents? (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

When a man with an enlarged prostate married a woman with persistent UTIs, what sort of house did they buy? (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

ABOUT 29
How many times are you likely to say WTF during a 30-minute news broadcast? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

According to DOGE, how many federal workers does it take to change a lightbulb? (Jesse Frankovich)

Approximately how many is a baker’s 28? (Jonathan Paul)

How many eggs can I get for this diamond ring? (Jesse Frankovich)

If current trends continue, how many subscribers will The Washington Post have at the end of Trump's second term? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What is the average age of Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends’ mothers? (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

CHOP SUEY GENERIS
What may leave you hungry an hour later but you can never reorder it? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

What dish requires diced pineapple, sweet peppers, scallions, and panda meat? (Barbara Turner; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

COMING SOON TO THE TRUMP KENNEDY CENTER!
What is the Straight White Men’s Chorus of Washington? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.; Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Where can I see “The Birth of a Nation: The Musical”? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Whatever became of minstrel shows? (Pam Shermeyer)

What is Democracy on Ice? (Frank Osen)

What is “Hamilton” recast for racial accuracy? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

What is “Hitler on the Roof,” with songs like “If I Were a Reich Man”? (Leif Picoult)

What’s “Anna and the King of Some Shithole Country”? (Tom Witte)

What are lots of empty seats? (Art Grinath)

DAME AGATHA CHRIST
Which author was most admired by Sir Winston Church? (Diana Oertel)

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENLAND
What is white, mostly empty, and ICE-friendly? (Jonathan Jensen)

NO MORE THAN AN INCH OR TWO
How much foundation does Donald Trump wear? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

How much rope do you have to give JD Vance for him to find a way to hang himself with it? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Did Russian policemen push that antiwar singer Vadim Stroykin over the edge of a balcony? (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

ONLY MEN
Who is safe in a room with Pete Hegseth after he has had a couple of drinks? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Who insists that there are no male Karens? (Barbara Turner)

ONLY WOMEN
What advice did Luigi Mangione’s lawyers get from his jury consultant? (Steve Smith)

If men know what’s good for them, what will be the only gender to submit Invitational entries beginning with “Only women”? (Jesse Rifkin)

THE OFFICIAL COCKTAIL OF THE NEW ADMINISTRATION
What is a White, Russian? (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.; Rob Huffman)

What is Liberal Tears? (Mark Raffman; Jonathan Jensen)

What’s a Loose-Screw-Driver? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

What is An Uncle Tom Collins? (Stephen Dudzik)

What is Crème DeMented? (Diana Oertel)

What is NOT a Negroni? (Chris Doyle)

THE PHILADELPHIA BEAGLES
Who is looking forward to the Supper Bowl? (Jonathan Paul)

Who do the New York Giants follow with bags in their hands? (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

THE PHILADELPHIA LEGALS
What law firm burns down the courthouse after it wins a big case? (Tom Witte)

What law firm represents the Pittsburgh Stealers? (Jeff Hazle; Chris Doyle)

What team’s defense never rests? (Chris Doyle)

THE GIGGLE SEARCH ENGINE
What is more popular than Microsoft’s Bada Bing? (Chris Doyle)

And Last: What creepy AI bot will be judging The Invitational, after it cans Pat and Gene? (Beverley Sharp)

The headline “Doable Jeopardy” is by Jon Gearhart; Jon and Kevin Dopart each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 1: Our contest to write grammar, etc., questions and answers à la Dave Barry’s “advice” columns.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 112: Be Mister Language Person
Dave Barry is back with his own Substack, and here's a chance to remind him how to do his English-advice bit. Plus winning snark-verse about celebs.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 20, 2025

Hello.

Q: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?

A: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered signs to alert the reader that an “S” is coming up at the end of the word, as in WE DO NOT ACCEPT PERSONAL CHECK’S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when creating hand-lettered signs is that you should put quotes around random words for decoration, as in “TRY” OUR HOT DOG’S, or even TRY “OUR” HOT DOG’S.

The question and answer above are from a long-ago column by Dave Barry using his occasional nom de plume of “Mister Language Person.” Dave ended his column in 2004, so that was the official death of MLP. Dave is of course now back with an excellent Substack, and he says he is considering reinstating the trope. Let’s help him.

Q: What does “penultimate” mean?
A: This word is commonly misused, so let me clarify it with an example:
“The penultimate word in this sentence is is.” (Chuck Smith)

Q. What is “hyperbole”?
A. It’s what takes place for two solid weeks leading up to the Superbole. (Beverley Sharp)

And:

Q. What is a non sequitur?
A. I’ll say! (Jonathan Paul)

For Invitational Week 112: Write a question and answer in the style of Mister Language Person, as in the examples above from both Dave Himself and from our 2009 contest to imitate him (full results here). As he did last time, Dave has agreed to weigh in with his faves among the finalists. Asked to describe his oeuvre for us exclusively for this column, Dave said:

Mister Language Person is literally a literal giant in the “field” of grammar.

Formatting this week: Please see this week’s entry form for directions.

Deadline is Saturday, March 1, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 6. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-112.

This week’s winner gets these itsy-bitsy drop earrings depicting heads of garlic; despite their size, they have proven 100 percent effective against vampire encroachment through the external auditory meatus. We do advise you, however, not to eat them, even with those cutesy microgreens.

novelty garlic earrings imitating vegetable earrings 0
A token of clove: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Dingdingding! We have an announcement! With his five blots of ink in last week’s contest to play with the words from the current president’s inaugural address, Kevin Dopart has become the second Loser (after Chris Doyle) to be published 2,000 times in The Invitational — 41 of them winning the week’s contest, with 126 runners-up. Since Kevin made his Invite debut almost exactly 1,000 weeks ago, in 2005, that means he’s averaged two inks per week for twenty years.
But lest you think we think he’s all that, we also feel obliged to note that by a conservative estimate, Kevin has submitted some 37,400 entries to the Invite (in the early years, there was no 25-entry limit). And that means that we have blithely tossed 35,400 painstakingly crafted efforts of Mr. Dopart into the trash.
(No, we don’t keep count of the Losers’ every blot of ink. They do that themselves. See the Loser Stats and so much more at their website, NRARS.org.)

Wag the Doggerel: The Balliol rhymes of Week 110
In Invitational Week 110 we invited you to update the “Balliol rhyme” — a Victorian-era equivalent of first-person snark — with four-line poems about today’s targets of mockery.

Third runner-up:
Rep. Anna Paulina Luna
I’m Luna, and my latest bill
In Congress, if it passes, will
Put Trump by Lincoln up on Rushmore
So his MAGA fans can gush more.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
I’m Stephen Miller. Douse the lamp
Of Liberty! I’ll build my camp
In Cuba; we’ll be hotsy-totsy.
Just call me the AshkeNazi.
(David Smith, Pleasanton, Calif.)

First runner-up:
I’m Donald Trump! I’m cracking down
On every lazy slacker clown
Who wants to work remotely, but
Excuse me, it's my turn to putt.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the calendar featuring comically phallic nature photos:
I’m New York Mayor Eric Adams,
With scruples less than any madam’s,
For I will go beyond the pale
To keep m’damn ass out of jail.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Mocked Down: Honorable mentions
I, the hustler Elon Musk,
Bestie of the orange husk,
Poisoned and devalued Twitter,
Flushing billions down the Xitter.
(John Conti, Norfolk, Mass.)

I’m Donald Trump, with plans that I’ll
Rebuild this rubble Vegas-style,
And once I’ve finished with the flip,
We’ll truly have a Gaza Strip.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Director of National Intelligence Tulsi Gabbard
Some say it’s bad that I, Ms. Gabbard,
With Bashar al-Assad once blabbered!
At Intelligence, I’ll do my bit
To make sure there’s much less of it.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

As POTUS, I can steal and kill—
So says SCOTUS—at my will.
Coming to my crime portfolio:
Greenland, Gaza, flu, and polio.
(John Conti)

Pete Hegseth: I won’t prey or cheat,
Or down my triple vodkas neat.
So please confirm, and (in the main)
I pinky-swear that I’ll refrain.
(Frank Osen)

I’m Donald Trump; I don’t see any
Reason to produce the penny.
I’m cutting out this dumb expense,
’Cause I’m not one for making cents.
(Jesse Frankovich)


I’m quite annoyed. It grates my cheese
To see Trump fire those IGs.
I'll grumble that he's acting crassly,
And then do nothing. I’m Chuck Grassley.
(Duncan Stevens)

Here come I. I’m Kristi Noem;
I wreak my duties close to hoem.
Call me attack dog for the Don!
(When I attack a dog, it’s gone.)
(Julia Griffin, Statesboro, Ga., a First Offender)

I’m Trump’s right arm, I’m JD Vance,
The poster child for sycophants.
I get the honor that I’m due:
The whole world calls me Number Two.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Ludwig van Beethoven
I wrote quartets, sonatas, too;
I wrote nine symphonies--it's true!
My “Ode to Joy”? They loved each word!
Applause was deafening! (So I’ve heard...)
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Sen. Susan Collins
Sen. Susie here. You say you’ve burned
All D.C. down? Well, I’m concerned!
My consternation’s deep and thorough:
I'm giving you a good brow-furrow.
(Duncan Stevens)

I’m RFK Jr. — RFK 2.0,
There’s a whole world of facts that I simply don’t know.
So if you hate needles, there’s no doubt I’m your fella —
Hope you relish your measles and mumps and rubella.
(Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

I’m Eve and I know better than
Some God what food to feed my man.
I doubt that that “all-knowing” sap’ll
Notice one small missing apple.
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

I’m Travis Kelce, and my team
Did not fulfill our latest dream.
Our Super Bowl was such manure
It should be called the Errors Tour.
(Jesse Frankovich)

I’m JFK. It burns my rump —
My Center’s just been seized by Trump.
The crowds there soon will be so sparse
That every show becomes a farce.
(Duncan Stevens)

Hi, I’m John F. Kennedy,
An arts complex is named for me
Where soon you’ll get to see all day
Lee Greenwood and “Y.M.C.A.”
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

I’m Donald Trump, and I proclaim
These waters have a brand-new name:
The “Mexico” will be no more
Once I have won my own Gulf War.
(Jesse Frankovich)

I’m Donald Trump, and things are dire!
From soaring costs to wildfire
To airplanes falling from the sky,
I blame it all on DEI.
(Jesse Frankovich)

I’m RFK (well, make that “Junior”),
And (some would say) I couldn’t be loonier.
For eons no respect I earned,
But could it be the worm has turned?
(Beverley Sharp)

I’m RFK. I’ve grasped the grail —
This spot I’ve got’s been my white whale!
You’ve probably guessed, then, how I’ll treat it:
I’ll drag it home and then I’ll eat it.
(Duncan Stevens)

I’m Mitch McConnell, Trump’s great foe,
The only R to tell him no.
You Democrats should celebrate!
So what if I’m four years too late?
(Jonathan Jensen)

The Other, Less Scary Steve Miller
A cowboy up in space above?
Or am I love the gangster of?
The names they call me never cease:
Some people even use Maurice.
(Jesse Frankovich)

I’m Elon. Like my cars, I’m quirky,
And frequently, inaptly jerky;
When Trump said, “Be my red-tape curer,”
I jumped and shouted, “Ja, mein Führer!”
(Frank Osen)

My name is Gwyneth Paltrow and
I sell a rather wacky brand
Of wellness products, like designer
Candles scented like vagina.
(Jesse Frankovich)

J.K. Rowling
I wrote the books of Harry Potter;
Rave reviews I gotta lotta.
Yet now I’ve lost a bunch of fans
Because of what I said on trans.
(Jon Cannon, Potomac, Md., a First Offender)

I’m the Eagles’ Sirianni,
Coaching talent most uncanny.
Here in Philly, fans adore me.
Lose next year, then they’ll abhor me.
(Mark Raffman)

I’m Clarence T. Please keep on gifting —
I won’t disclose your graft and grifting!
Reveal my trips with brothers Koch?
Ha ha! My friend, you surely joch.
(Duncan Stevens)

Profiles in Courage: Sen. Thom Tillis
Last month I said, with steely nerve,
That Hegseth was unfit to serve.
But when Trump turned his evil eye on,
That hill I’m not gonna die on.
(Jonathan Jensen)

I’m Donald Trump! Let freedom ring!
The founders said, “We’ll have no king!”
I wear no crown, but here’s the trick:
In “dictator,” I am the dic.
(Mark Raffman)

The headline “Wag the Doggerel” is by Jeff Contompasis; both Kevin Dopart and Jesse Frankovich submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 22: It’s our recurring Ask Backwards contest, in which we provide the “answers” (this week including “About 29” and “The Philadelphia Beagles”) and you tell us the question. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chuck Smith; Beverley Sharp; Jonathan Paul)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 111: Ask Backwards
Once again, we give the answers, you give the questions. Plus the words of that inaugural address, rearranged for better use.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 13, 2025


Q. What did JFK say to DJT? (See today’s new contest.)
Hello! Today marks the 44th Running of the Invitational JeoparDerby, in which we challenge you to supply “Jeopardy!”-style questions to our “Jeopardy!”-style answers. We would like to first pause for a moment to deliver a well-deserved attaboy to our former professional colleague Drew Goins, a hotshot hottie writer/editor for the WaPo’s Opinions section who recently made it through the first round of Jeopardy’s Tournament of Champions. And we would like now to officially offer Mr. Goins, 30, the opportunity to burnish his already splendid career by quitting The Post and taking a prestigious unpaid position on the staff of The Gene Pool.

Drew Goins - Newsletter Writer - The Washington Post | LinkedIn
Drew Goins, official Jeopardy! hottie.
THE ANSWERS:
Coming soon to the Trump Kennedy Center!
Only women.
Only men.
It's kind of like farting in an elevator.
The official cocktail of the new administration.
The Philadelphia Beagles.
The Philadelphia Legals.
Dame Agatha Christ.
Vladimir Putin's toenails.
Marjorie Taylor Greenland.
Two bedrooms, eight baths.
No more than an inch or two.
It's not you, it's the muskrat.
The Giggle search engine.
About 29.
Chop Suey Generis.
For Invitational Week 111: Above is a list of “answers” for this week’s Ask Backwards contest; you provide the questions, in the “Jeopardy!”-ish form of A-followed-by-Q. Like our previous winner, by Jesse Frankovich:

A. A children’s book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is “Eat the Bunny”?

SUPER-IMPORTANT formatting note! While we’ll publish the results in two lines as above, we need you to help us sort the entries into categories, which Ms. Computer does by looking at the first character in each line. So: Write each one of your entries in a single line, beginning with the answer you’re using, as worded in the list, and don’t start the line with “A:” for “answer.” Do it like this one by Jeff Hazle, second place last time:

Grip it by the seams. Q. What did Frankenstein’s monster tell his Bride on their honeymoon?
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 22, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. You may use as many or few categories as you like.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-111.

This week’s winner gets this disarming coffee mug, donated by Queen of the Invitational Devotees Alex Blackwood. Actual found humerus not included.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Garbage In …: The alt-inaugural addresses of Week 109
In Invitational Week 109 we asked you to choose some words from Trump’s 2025 inaugural address — we even provided a list so you didn’t have to read the odious transcript — and write something funnier. Of course, it was hard to outdo the actual tirade for outrageousness, but as always, you came through, even though one regular entrant told us he was “just not feeling funny this week,” what with this pogrom on federal agencies (he still wound up with lots of ink), and another who declined to enter out of fear of retribution if he publicly mocked the Dear Leader’s utterances.

You were allowed to use a particular word or number in an entry only as many times as Trump used it in the speech — eleven times for “very”; just one for “honest”; none, weirdly, for “when.” Thanks as always to Magical Contest Validator Gary Crockett, who ensured that today’s inking entries were all up to code (sorry, person who used “when”).

Third runner-up:
“A short time from now, I am going to be changing the name of New Mexico to New America. After that, I will sign an executive order to have the face of our greatest president — me! — put on Mount McKinley, where it belongs. Few people know this, but I’ve heard a lot of Americans are starting to call me Trump the Magnificent.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
I get up on the scales and I see it says 250-something. It’s so unfair that I have an immense southern border for sitting. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
“It is public knowledge that my johnson is not as massive as that of President Biden. But I am pleased to say I have boldly put it in the bush of many women of natural female gender, for which I had to pay much money. By the way, my mental age is four.” (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

And the winner of the “Best Dad Ever” candle with Trump’s face on it:
A democracy of, by and for the people? No-no. It’s awe the people, own the people, use the people, soil the people, forget the people. But still get them to send you money! It’s great to be president, baby! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the four entries above is your favorite?
3rd RU: New Mexico/New America
22%
2nd RU: Immense southern border
7%
1st RU: My johnson ...
26%
The winner: Awe the people
45%
246 VOTES · POLL CLOSED
As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

Off on a Tan Gent : Honorable mentions
“I promise to be in office just four more years, one administration. But by executive order, each January will now have 250 weeks.” (Kevin Dopart.)

“My Cabinet is proudly made of criminals — cowboys and vicious women. I promise you that they will be untamed, unpredictable, and most of all, unconstitutional. With every act, they will repel you but build my wealth into tremendous billions! I am the supreme terrorist-businessman! (But my wealthiest money marshal is close.) (Pam Shermeyer)

[To “Be Our Guest”]
My success, my success
Will be seen from east to west.
I am strong and I am rich
And people say I am the best.
In this land of the free,
So admired I will be.
I will act to close our borders—
Don’t believe me? See my orders!
I will work now and then,
Make this nation great again—
My effectiveness is simply manifest!
And so begins my mission,
Full of proud ambition—my success!
God will bless my success!
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“Other than me, there is no one more admired and respected in this country than President McKinley, the king of tariffs. Perhaps I will even have the honor to end my presidency the way he ended his.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

“Corrupt leadership? Dangerous cabinet? Unconstitutional agenda? Annihilated liberties? Intimidated federal workers? Citizens as enemies? It’s so wonderful to see your greatest dream come true.” (Kevin Dopart)

“A johnson in the hand is not exactly the same as one in the bush.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“Aliens at our southern border have suffered tremendously and should be given sanctuary, respected, and treated with compassion. Their children should be seen as full citizens, and no one should persecute — no, forget that. My speech system was not working right. I mean we will do the reverse of all that.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“I am the unifying unifier of unity. My presidency will be the most presidential of any president. America’s exceptionalism will be more exceptional, its sovereignty will be more sovereign, its strength will be stronger, and everything will be tremendously tremendous. I have the best words.” (Jonathan Jensen)

“In 2025, we are going from 1798 genders to two.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“I will cause you to be so inspired by my extraordinary, exceptional, powerful, glorious, great, wonderful, thrilling, tremendously plentiful ambition, you’ll soil your under-things. That will be my greatest legacy.” (Judy Freed)

“Why let women have the right to vote? Their ancestors didn’t. They will support a liberation agenda like love, compassion, dreams and faith. Just make a healthy baby and be proud of that. Let men rule this country — it is the will of God (and me).” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

“As your president, I will do anything I want, any time I want to. Didn’t you think about that before the election?” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

“Clinton, over there, felt he had to be President to get laid. Not me. I am in it for the money. I want to be shown the money.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

“I promise on Day One not to make slavery the law of the land, to thank those few Black Americans who support me. Come Day Two? We’ll see.” (Jon Ketzner)

“I will do things that make you say, ‘I don’t think everything is working right up there.’ Like, I will deliver a ‘State of the Country’ speech with only a teddy on. I will plant a palm on Mount McKinley. I will declare I can race 38,000 miles in a day. All of this will be all right because I am not as old as Biden.” (Duncan Stevens)

“Do not think of what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me — your best president ever. And that is to make me as rich as any one in the world other than, perhaps, that know-it-all I put at the top of my brand-new beautiful Department of Government Efficiency.” (Chris Doyle)

“They were soldiers, cowboys, steelworkers, police officers, and two other much-men. They gave us Why-Am-See-A. Now let me move and swing to it!” (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

“As Commander in Chief, I have the responsibility to defend our country from threats and invasions. And if you think I’ll do that, you must be higher than our Defense chief.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“To the millions of patriots who showed up today, I say this: My health is in disastrous disrepair. My mental state is tremendously unpredictable. Even God has only hate for me. Also, I won this election illegally. Thank you for coming.” (Judy Freed)

“I have heard everyone say I want to be king. Not at all! I just want to take sole sovereign power with totally supreme leadership, send government gangs to put my political enemies in prisons, declare tyranny in sweeping orders and put every law in the can, and gather a private military to keep me in power. And perhaps have people call me God. Very small things.” (Duncan Stevens)

“I like to put things up my behind. Anything rugged: lead soldiers, a bullet, that small amount of my broken, ripped ear. But I am also pleased to use the flag, or hearts, or even just sunlight. I call it my love canal.” (Kevin Dopart)

“Let me be honest with you. I cannot do anything about prices. I know next to nothing about government, our institutions, or the Constitution. I cannot make us safe, stronger, or more prosperous. But I can release thousands of vicious, violent criminals. That is my supreme talent!” (Jonathan Jensen)

“The amount of criminal things I did in my first administration? Wow. God, I don't know. More than seven, eight. 250? 1798? 2025? 38,000? Could be more! No way to tell by now.” (Duncan Stevens)

“After this speech, I will have spoken. What were my words about? I don’t exactly know. But anything I say is strong, powerful, and great. And to be honest, I just like to take up all of your time as I stand here going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.” (Judy Freed)

“Farmers and soldiers, cowboys and factory workers, steelworkers and coal miners, police officers and pioneers—they have all had their way with your female parent!” (Jesse Frankovich)

“From my back end, I lay golden things.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“History will record that I am without dignity, integrity, compassion or merit. I repel women. I don’t like Black or Hispanic people. My presidency will be catastrophic, bringing fascism and poverty to millions of American citizens. On the other hand, and more importantly, I’m going to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich and powerful. So, thank you for your vote. You put me here and henceforth I have no use for you.” (Andy Bassett)

The headline “Garbage In …” is by Kevin Dopart); Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 15: It’s our contest for super-short but super-snarky “Balliol rhymes” about famous people. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Hazle)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Roy Ashley)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 110: Pith Us Off
Write us a short, snarky 'Balliol rhyme' about someone. Plus our 'joint legislation' winners.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 06, 2025

Who Is Elon Musk?
Hello.

We return today to Balliol rhymes for the first time in five years, the second time ever. Like this one, which we just wrote for you in two minutes. It’s easy, but not easy to do well:

I’m Elon Musk. I run SpaceX.
Huge donor to your Donald Rex.
Rules? Ha! I’m in noncompliance!
The reason? It ain’t rocket science …
For Invitational Week 110: Write a quatrain (or two) of Balliol rhyme — a Victorian form of verse mocking some person. Here’s the drill:

— Each verse is four li’l lines, rhyming AA/BB, with exactly four accented syllables in each line, as in Gene’s example above. (Here are the results of our 2020 contest, featuring such then-headliners as Gordon Sondland, Rod Blagojevich, and, hm, Elon Musk.)

— It’s in first person, in the voice of the person being mocked. Traditionally the name of the person appears in Line 1, but that’s not required; in fact, you may omit the name entirely and instead put it in a title.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 15, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 20. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form.

Formatting this week: As with all our poetry contests, don’t follow our standard request to write each entry as a single line. Just format the poems as they should look when published. Do put a line of space between your poems if you’re writing more than one.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-110.

This week’s winner gets yet one more 2025 calendar, this one celebrating our natural world with sixteen months’ worth of gloriously priapic boulders, cactuses, mushrooms, etc. Donated by Alex Blackwood, guiding light of the Style Invitational Devotees group, who knows an Invite prize when she sees one. The only thing we can’t figure out: We don’t see any ducks in the photos.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Dorkness at Noon: Check out the newly updated calendar for the Loser Community’s monthly brunches etc. across the D.C.-Baltimore area (and even Gettysburg). All Invitational fans are welcome; it’s just relaxed eat ’n’ chat, not competitive repartee. Next up: Feb. 16 in Annapolis.

LOL Call: The ‘joint legislation’ of Week 108
Invitational Week 108 was our biennial contest, run at the start of each congressional session, to combine new members’ names into “joint legislation,” a bill they’d cosponsor because their strung-together names sound like some phrase.

Third runner-up:
The Crank-King-Hinds Act to promote twerking for physical fitness.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
The Knott-Bynum Resolution to resist indulging in coins, lies, and other assorted MAGA crap.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

First runner-up:
The Jack-Hamadeh Act to create a holiday honoring America’s road crews.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the Bernie Sanders finger puppet:
The Jack-Kennedy-Knott-Crank bill to clarify the difference between JFK and RFK Jr. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the 'bills' above is your favorite?
3rd runner-up: Crank-King twerking
2nd RU: Knot-Bynum, all the crap
1st RU: Jack-Hamadeh road crew day
The winner: JFK vs. RFK Jr.
339 VOTES · 1 DAY REMAINING
As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

Sorry for Your Laws: Honorable mentions
The Harris-Onder-Johnson Manscaping Resolution (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The Justice-Knott-Hurd-Whitesides Act to compensate for all that unfair DEI nonsense the Supreme Court has been putting out since 1954. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Barrett-Onder-Fields Act to celebrate ancient Greece by introducing nude outdoor sports in public schools. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

The Sheehy-Bell Act to establish an alarm system for any federal employee still displaying their — we mean his or her — pronouns in an email signature. (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

The Messmer-Schmidt Act to replace Air Force One with Hitler’s personal airplane. (Ron Osher, Memphis, Tenn., a First Offender)

(URGENT MESSAGE! For the first time in the storied 32-year history of The Invitational, we are interrupting the natural flow of the Honorable Mentions to tell a pertinent joke. We will likely never do this again. You are watching history. This joke takes place in 1965. A World War I fighter pilot is giving a speech at a library. He is discussing a dogfight he had in 1914 with German planes. He says: “There was a Fokker in front of me! A Fokker behind me! Two Fokkers on top of me!” The librarian, seeing some discomfort in the elderly audience, interrupted: “I should mention that ‘Fokkers’ were a type of German aircraft. That was their name.” And the elderly fighter pilot says, ‘Yes, that is correct, but these fokkers were Messerschmitts.”

Just for the record, before we get back to the honorable mentions: Hitler’s personal plane was a Fokker, not a Messerschmitt.)

—

The Bell-Min-Hurd-Knott Act to acknowledge that what happens in a Marriott stays in a Marriott. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

The Hamadeh-Ansari Resolution to atone on Yom Kippur for eating pork all year long. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Jack-Schmidt Proclamation on how much President Trump really knows about tariffs, Greenland, and President McKinley. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The Gray-Ansari Resolution apologizing for everything Boomer legislators have done in the last two decades. (David Smith, Pleasanton, Calif.)

The Moody-Gray-Crank Act ordering you to get off the lawn. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

The Slotkin-Knott-Barrett-Moore act to prohibit excessive sexual effort by men in bed. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Knott-Hurd-Simon Rule to prohibit congressional motions on the floor unless preceded by the proper authorizing phrase. (Kevin Dopart)

The Knott-Jack-Kennedy Act honoring the career of former vice president Dan Quayle. (Jon Ketzner)

The Barrett-Tran-Johnson Act: A GOP bill requiring “certain people” to undress before entering public restrooms. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

The Knott-Moore-Begich bill to impose universal airline carry-on limits. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Knott-Pou-King-Hinds Act to ban sodomy. (Marleen May, Rockville, Md.; Mark Raffman)

The Moore-Rivas-Alsobrooks-Onder-Fields Act to expand the National Flood Insurance Program. (Chris Doyle)

The Barrett-Biggs-Figures Act to encourage body shape positivity on the nation’s beaches. (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

The Biggs-Knott bill to subsidize public tissue dispensers. (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.; Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jeff Shirley)

The Bynum-Moore-Banks Act to stop the next bailout before it begins. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines; Ken April, Rockville, Md.)

The Gray-Harris-Conaway Bill to Give Government Officials a Lifetime Supply of L’Oreal (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.; Mark Raffman)

The Turner-Moore-Min Act encouraging women to join the Church of Latter-Day Saints. (Judy Freed; Rob Cohen)

The Turner-Whitesides bill requires beach chairs to have a rotisserie function. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

The Goodlander-Moore-Fields-Moore-Banks-Alsobrooks Act encouraging Sully Sullenberger to try some new trick landings. (David Smith)

The Jack-Min bill to save the wolverine. (Barbara Turner; Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

The Johnson-Barrett-Knott Anti-Flashing Act. (Jonathan Paul; Barbara Turner)

The King-Hinds-Barrett Act to publicly expose royal a-holes. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

The Downing-Moore-Whitesides Act for the Promotion of Cole Slaw, Mashed Potatoes, and Cauliflower (Seth Christenfeld; Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich)

The Johnson-Crank Act to fund research into mechanical solutions to ED. (Chris Doyle)

The Turner-Crank Act to get your mama’s motor running so she can stimulate growth in the privates sector. (Jon Gearhart)

The Downing-Moore-Liccardo-Knott-Riley-Turner-Crank bill to offer barflies friendly advice on flirting. (Jonathan Paul)

The headline “LOL Call” is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 8: Pick words here and there from Trump’s inaugural address to write your own “quote.” (You don’t even have to read the appalling original; we have a list of all the words.) Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
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Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Alex Blackwood)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 109: The Alternaugural Address
Write something funnier with the words from the latest Jan. 20 diatribe. Plus AMAZING anagrams.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 30, 2025


Is it the BACONATOR or some fake CRAB-TOONA? See more anagrams for the Wendy’s artery assault in today’s results.
Hello. Or, alternatively, “O hell.”

Today’s Invitational results are from our Week 107 anagram contest, in which we challenged you to scramble and rescramble all sorts of things, which you did to great result. The contest was inaugurated around the time of the Inauguration, meaning that one thing on everyone’s minds was the new malevolence in the White House. We make no apologies for a certain theme that inevitably permeated the entries.

In the meanwhile:

"Aliens from Mars love me, you know. ‘Great One,’ they said to me, ‘make our planet your new state.’ I said, ‘Perhaps after Panama.’”
For Invitational Week 109: Using only words that Trump used during his 2025 inaugural address, write either a fake passage from an alternative inaugural speech, as above, or just anything else: a “quote,” an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, whatever. For consistency, please use the White House transcript, skipping over notes like “(applause).” You may also attribute your quote to someone other than Trump, or to no one. Within a single entry, you can’t use a word more often than Trump used it.

Since we’ve done a number of “word bank” contests over the years, we’ve developed some ground rules about hyphens, capitalization, whether you can add an S to a word, etc. And if you’re gagging at the prospect of mulling over the re-president’s odious fulmination over and over — you’re saved: You don’t actually have to read it! Because once again, Hall of Fame Loser Gary Crockett has provided us with a list of every word Trump said, along with the number of times it occurs in the speech. See both the rules and the word list at this link right here.

How long should these things be? Depends on how funny and clever they are; if an entry becomes boring or difficult to read, we’re likely to toss it. To see what we went for last time, see the nifty inking entries from our 2024 State of the Union contest.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 8, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 13. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re finished that particular entry). That way we can shuffle all the entries and won’t know if you’ve sent us one entry or 25.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-109.

This week’s winner gets a candle encased in this little metal shell (pictured front and back). We have it on excellent authority that Donald Trump received five of these as gifts from all his known children. Donated by superdad Jeff Contompasis.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Wittiness > Witness It: The multi-anagrams of Week 107
In Invitational Week 107 we asked for a sentence or two that included either (a) a word or name plus at least two anagrams of it or (b) a multi-word phrase that included at least one anagram of it. We would declare the results utterly astonishing in their ingenuity, except that these and other Losers have repeatedly blown our socks off in previous Invite anagram contests. Remember, each of these anagrams rearranges all the letters in the original phrase, with no letter used twice.

Third runner-up:
Come across FLORIDA MAN and you’ll see RANDOM FAIL. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:

The EGOMANIAC,
A MEGA-ICON,
I.E., MAGA CON,
has COME AGAIN. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:

“SACRE bleu!” complained Usha. “No fair!
JD’s foisted this immigrant SCARE!
No one CARES there’s no basis,
He’s off to the RACES —
And soon to deport our au pair.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the earrings that look like miniature plastic bags holding live goldfish:
FACE IT—HARMFUL EGO! Our CHIEF GOLF AMATEUR, who cannot distinguish a HUGE LIE FROM A FACT, favors the name THE GULF OF AMERICA. (Jesse Frankovich)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which among the top four winners is your favorite?
3rd runner-up: Florida Man
13%
2nd RU: Mass deportations
0%
1st RU: Sacre, scare, cares, races
13%
The winner: Gulf of America
73%
15 VOTES · 2 DAYS REMAINING
As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

LOSERS — OR LESS: Honorable mentions
Donald and I, STORMY DANIELS, did it once — his mushroom dick reminded me of TINY MORELS. SAD. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

In better times, she’d slice the LIMES,
And SMILE and salt the glass.
But the MILES we’d roll would take their toll:
Tequila kicked our ass. (Mark Raffman)

It would be a DIRE SIN for a biology INSIDER not to know the difference between an amphibious SIRENID and flying IRENIDS and NERIIDS. (Yes, I IS NERD.🤓) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

In ELON’S “SIEG HEIL” SALUTE on Inauguration Day, I SEE SOUL-SELLING HATE. (Chris Doyle)

The ELON MUSK NAZI SALUTE pleased the USUAL ZEALOT KINSMEN. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The BACONATOR might not contain a COAT O’ BRAN… OR CAN O’ BAT … or even something obviously fake like CRAB-TOONA, but it does contain the key to your next clogged artery. (Leif Picoult)

America PINES for a prez with a SPINE
And the judgment (let’s keep this between us)
To make dictators quail, and not list us for sale
To the ones who keep stroking his EGO. (Mark Raffman)

Hey, federal workers, what do you want to do on Trump’s EXECUTIVE ORDERS?
“EXCRETE? VOID? SURE!” (Duncan Stevens)

According to Pat Robertson, SANCTUARY CITIES are a plot to give immigrants SATANIC SECURITY. (Chris Doyle)

THE WASHINGTON PIST: IT HASN'T GOT HIP NEWS
(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; animation from Wordsmith,org)

CATS’ ACTS CAST SCAT. (Jeff Contompasis)

Hasn’t MELANIA TRUMP had enough of MR. MANIPULATE? (Jonathan Jensen)

If you’ve bought a TRUMP MEME COIN, you’ve MET PREMIUM CON. (Duncan Stevens)

I went to an IMAGINE DRAGONS concert and risked SENIOR-DAMAGING … GONAD MIGRAINES. (Jeff Contompasis)

Mark Zuckerberg hopes META’S “MASCULINE ENERGY” will attract INSECURE MAGA-STYLE MEN. (Chris Doyle)

So three guys, ARNOLD, ROLAND, and RONALD, walk into a bra … (Jeff Contompasis)

At the end of THE TRUMP ERA, I will gleefully shout “TERM UP, HATER!” (Jonathan Jensen)

To Blake Lively, JUSTIN BALDONI has worked himself into a JAIL-BOUND SNIT. To Justin Baldoni, BLAKE LIVELY is BLEAKLY EVIL. (Chris Doyle)

THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS is where NUTCASES DISSENT TOGETHER. (Jesse Frankovich)

I WILL ASK THIS: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A POLAR BEAR //
WITH A SEAL? WHY, IT’S NO SHOCK, SIR—YOU WOULD GET A POLAR BEAR! (The words after the slashes form a perfect anagram of the opening words.) (Jesse Frankovich)

Whenever I would hear Doris Day sing “Que SERA, SERA” … it would SEAR my ARSE. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

While a teenager, ALEC GUINNESS exhibited GENUINE CLASS even while suffering ACNE UGLINESS. (Jeff Contompasis)

Once again, the FELON PRESIDENT brought in his FETID PERSONNEL. (Jonathan Jensen)

You thought you’d heard all the rumors about PETE HEGSETH, but did you hear what happened when he said, “GET THE SHEEP”? (Duncan Stevens)

When the man with the orange MANE coins a MEAN NAME, I hope a few follicles fall out. AMEN! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

And Last: The cartoonist was so mad she could SPIT! She shouted, “This job is the PITS!” So she quit. (You can read all about it in The Washington PIST.) (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And Even Laster: With GENE POOL INKS, we KEEP ON LOSING. (Jesse Frankovich)

Note: We do want you to get to the rest of The Gene Pool, and we know it
doesn’t fit the contest’s call for “a sentence or two,” but we have to show
you Jon Gearhart’s tour-de-force fantasy of THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS by
Trump, which includes fifteen anagrams of that phrase. It’s just below, after
the "Still running" line.

Oh, here’s one really last And Last: Next week, JOINT LEGISLATION will yield NO GIANT JOLLITIES. (Jeff Contompasis)

The headline “Wittiness > Witness It” is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 1: It’s our biennial “Joint Legislation” wordplay contest. Send us some giant jollities!

Trump’s Alt-Inaugural speech, containing fifteen different anagrams for “The
State of the Union Address”, by Jon Gearhart:

This inaugural speech can act as my substitute for THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS
that I should have been giving in 2021 following my other landslide victory.
ATTN DEFEATED ONES: O SHIT — RUSH!! In case you were wondering,
I SENT THE DRONES OUT, FATHEADS. Wherever my enemies try to hide, I will
FIND THE AREA TO SEND OUT THE SS and THEN DO NEFARIOUS DEATH TESTS on them.
(Oops, how did that get on the teleprompter?) THESE SHATTERED FOUNDATIONS
that Joe Biden has left for our country need to be rebuilt along with an
electrified border wall 100 feet high. For those who saw fit during Biden’s
watch to DASH TO THE U.S. — DEFENESTRATION will begin promptly. There will be
THOUSANDS OF TIES THREATENED as you either must abandon your children who were
born here or take them with you when we throw you out an 80-foot-high window
installed in the wall just for this purpose. HO, THERE — STUDENT AID’S NOT SAFE
anymore. Biden wanted to pay off your loans, but that ship has sailed.
Don't go trying TO HIDE THE ASSETS AND FORTUNE you amassed while not paying
off your loans during the COVID hoax — I wrote the book on hiding assets,
so I know where to find them. THE DEI TREND'S OUT FANS, SO HATE will be the
law of the land. I have NOTED THE U.S. RED STATE FASHION in the District
all week and approve bigly, but I’m actually surprised there’s not more
FAT-HEADED TOUR SNOT IN SHEETS roaming around. Take comfort in knowing
THAT THE END OF U.S. TEARS IS DONE as I take over. Prepare to congratulate us
ON THE UNTIED STATES OF RED ASH, ’cause my pals and I are gonna
burn this mother down. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)



InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Jeff Contompasis)
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 108: Bill Us Now
A wordplay game to join congressional names to 'cosponsor'
legislation. Plus winning names for the Eighth Dwarf.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Jan 23, 2025
We expect that new Rep. Crank is going to be cosponsoring a lot of
"legislation" in this week's Invitational contest.
Hello. Applause for the new Congress. On the one clapping hand, it
seems to be a rubber stamp for the wishes of a new president,
whom we hereafter will call Porky. On the other, there are pretty
good names in there.
So:
The Knott-Hurd-Taylor bill to establish that any music written in the
21st century isn’t worth listening to.
The Bynum-Moore-Justice Act to permit lobbyists to contribute to
the Supreme Court’s favorite “charities.”
The Turner-Moody Act to get another beer for us, will ya?
The Knott-Harrigan bill to ban Sarah Palin from ever trying to make a
comeback.
What, you’re not feeling all that great this week, watching helplessly
as a horde of thugs gleefully smashes into pillar after pillar of our
democracy and decency, like the Taliban taking sledgehammers to
1,500-year-old sculptures because they weren’t of their preferred
sect?
Well, we at The Invitational are here to divert you, as we are every
two years at the beginning of another congressional session, with
our beloved (and occasionally behated) “joint legislation” game — in
which we pretend that two or more freshman senators and/or House
members might actually work together to suggest a new law.
For Invitational Week 108: Combine two or more names from the
new members of the 119th Congress — click here for our list
— to “cosponsor” a bill based on their combined last names, as
in the examples above.
We’re just playing with the sounds of their names, not
commenting on the sens and reps (and even a couple of dels)
themselves. That’s why the list doesn’t mention their parties, or
even their first names. Learning that we’d be getting good names for
this list — Crank! Figures! Pou! the perennial Johnson! — at least
gave us a half an iota of cheer on election night.
The Czar and Empress implore you, having judged eighteen
previous Joint Legislation contests between us: A pun on these
names that’s clear to you is not necessarily clear to anyone else in
the world. Before you send in your entry, ask someone else to read it
out loud and, without hints, body English, etc., tell you what phrase
you had in mind. There can be a little stretch in the sound, as in
“Harrigan” meaning “her again” in the example above, but don’t use
that name to mean, say, “harry gams.” For guidance ’n’ inspiration,
take a look at our 2023 inking entries (the winner, by Pam
Shermeyer: The Ogles-Magaziner-Jackson-Self Act to encourage
sperm bank donations.).
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 1, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run
here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 6. As usual, you may submit
up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same
form.
Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each
entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re finished that
particular entry). That way we can shuble all the entries and won’t
know if you’ve sent us one entry or 25.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/invform-
108.
This week’s winner, while we’re thinking congressionally, receives
an adorable finger puppet depicting Sen. Bernie Sanders very well
except for its highly uncharacteristic silence. Yeah, it should have
been a mitten, but it’s still awfully cute. Donated by Dave Prevar.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or
Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get
bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for
First Ink for First Obenders.
Gnomenclature: The Eighth Dwarfs of Week 106
In Invitational Week 106 we asked you to come up with amusing
names for an Eighth Dwarf to complement Sneezy, Happy, and the
rest of Snow White’s adjectival posse.
Third runner-up:
BERNY changes the lyrics to “It’s ob to work we go, with a minimum
wage of $15 per hour.” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Second runner-up:
ENNUI is the only dwarf who doesn’t whistle while he works. He
sighs. (Je8 Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)
First runner-up:
JENZY: He’s the entitled one who wants to work in the mine
remotely by Zoom. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
And the winner of the plushie uterus-and-ovaries:
IRONY: Is dead. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
Miner Characters: Honorable mentions
COSBY: Who do you think gave the Evil Queen the sleeping
potion? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
BEEPY: Goes everywhere in reverse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
BIGLY: A great dwarf, the greatest, many people are saying. (Mike
Bardallis, Allen Park, Mich., a First O8ender)
SNOOTFUL: Bashful’s twin brother, who found a special potion to
overcome his shyness. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
BEERMY: Every evening his mood changes from happy to dopey to
grumpy and finally sleepy. (Je8 Hazle, San Antonio)
CANARY has PTSD from his old job at the coal mine. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
DICEY makes crypto recommendations.to the other Dwarfs. (Daniel
Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)
FAPPY: He’ll be right back once he’s … done. (Je8 Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
HANDSY, the miners say, knows her way around a shaft. (Steve
Smith)
OXY: Such a popular guy, people just can’t quit him. (Sam Mertens)
BOTTY replaced all the other dwarfs’ mining jobs. (Jesse Frankovich,
Laingsburg, Mich.)
CLAMMY: He’s just … resting. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)
PHLEGMY, Sneezy's brother, who is always near you on the
Metro. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
SLOOPY: Not a real dwarf, just a hanger-on. (Mike Gips, Bethesda,
Md.)
DISNEY insists that you cease and desist from infringing on this
copyrighted material. (Jason Meyers, Hamilton, N.Y., whose last
Invite ink was in 2002)
DINKLAGE is sick and tired of the fucking stereotypes
already. (Jason Meyers, again!)
SOAPY is waiting for her rinse to come. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
And Last: DOYLY: He is a composer of brilliant puns, limericks,
spoonerisms, double dactyls, and song parodies, and has appeared
in a certain humor contest almost three thousand times. And he
crochets little lacy things. (Je8 Hazle)
And Even Laster: NOPEY: The Empress. (Jesse Frankovich)
The headline “Gnomenclature” was submitted by both Jon Gearhart
and Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions
subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 25: our Week 107
anagram contest. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Pam Shermeyer)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 107: Twits' Twist — fun with anagrams
Plus our winning obit poems for the ex-folks of 2024.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 16, 2025


Size doesn’t matter: 4-7 sex therapist Ruth Westheimer, the subject of four varied obit poems in today’s results.
Hello.

Have you thought much about Donald Trump, the anagrammatical president? He is both evil and vile, and he is live, but mostly in the sense of a grenade held in a bare hand with the pin removed; moreover, he hides behind a veil of treachery, just like Levi, the biblical character who duped the Shechemite men into getting circumcised, and then slaughtered them gleefully during their writhing agony.

When Gene ran a similar sentence in The Gene Pool a few days ago, we realized we had the makings of a contest: to anagram a word in multiple ways. On the other hand, we didn’t want to exclude those virtuoso anagrams of longer phrases, like this classic by Chris Doyle that makes a sentence with no extra words: The Invitational Losers … have nostrils in a toilet.”

So let’s have it both ways:

For Invitational Week 107: Write an entertaining sentence or two that contain either:

(a) a word or name and two or more anagrams of it, as in Gene’s example above; or

(b) a series of words and at least one anagram of it, as in Chris’s. Your sentence(s) may include other words as well, but please make it clear to us where the anagram is (putting it in all capitals, for example). You may ignore spacing and punctuation when anagramming. For longer anagrams, use Anu Garg’s handy-dandy and fun Wordsmith Anagram Checker to make sure you’ve used all the letters in your phrase, and no others.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 25, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 30. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re finished that particular entry). That way we can shuffle all the anonymous entries.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-107.

This week’s winner receives something whose very existence is sure to prompt: “But why?” Well, because who wouldn’t want to have fake pet-store bags of fake water containing fake goldfish hanging from their ears? The Empress fell so deeply in love with this fine jewelry that she bought her own pair, and her ears aren’t even pierced; she’ll include the same little clips she uses as adapters for her virgin lobes.


For a koi mistress: This week’s prize earrings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

The Late Edition: The obit poems of Week 105
In Invitational Week 105 we made our usual invitation (it’s in our name!) to celebrate in verse anyone who’d died last year. Of course we got lots for Jimmy Carter, who qualified for this year’s contest by just two days, but none of them quite had the dead-on tone and wit that this week’s inking obit poems possess.

Third runner-up:
Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), sex therapist
Dr. Ruth’s former patients paid their respects
And almost could hear her exclaim:
“It’s vunderful to have enjoyed such success —
I’m so happy zat all of you came!”
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Shigeichi Negishi (1923-2024)
Give a shout for Shigeichi Negishi,
Who brought us together with song.
For the man who invented the karaoke machine
A moment of silence seems wrong.
(Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
O.J. Simpson (1947-2024)
He ran through defenses with power and skill,
Through airports he ran as a rental car shill,
He ran from the law with the copters above,
Then he ran into luck with an ill-fitting glove.
He ran out of time, though, and now he’s begun,
In a place he deserves, one last very long run.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the “glow knife” that looks as if it’s stuck through your head:
Robert Pickton (1949-2024), serial killer
Most hardworking humans who live on a farm
Would not be considered a cause for alarm.
But a cold-blooded killer (this poem explains)
Once nourished his piglets with human remains.
One after another he lured to their deaths;
He strangled those women— he stole their last breaths.
Police said he killed thirty-three of them (Lordy!)
Offended, he bragged, “It was way over forty!”
The world now is rid of him (so says our audit):
He no longer lives on that farm, ’cause he bought it.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Death Be Not Wowed: Honorable mentions
William Post (1927-2024), creator of Pop-Tarts
We’ve lost inventor William Post,
A businessman who gained acclaim
For making pastries we can toast
And upping Kellogg’s breakfast game.
Now every year 3 billion sell,
Which brings in untold piles of gelt,
But folks keep asking why in hell
The Pop-Tart icing doesn’t melt.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

David Bouley (1953-2024), superstar chef
Saint Peter says to Chef Bouley,
“We’re thrilled that you’ve arrived today.
An ample kitchen’s here above
For you to make the things you love.
You’ll have it all, and nothing want,
For your eternal restaurant.”
“You have my thanks,” the great chef says,
“But lots of luck to get a rez.”
(Mark Raffman)

Peter Higgs (1929-2024), who discovered the Higgs boson, a particle that binds the universe together
I. Physics in the Trump Age
Can Peter’s puny boson (science tells us it exists)
Unite the universe (which it’s been doing from the start),
Despite a preening bozo who, at every turn, insists
On driving the inhabitants of Planet Earth apart?
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

II. Peter Higgs proposed a boson;
Now that gent no longer goes on.
Though his passing makes us sad,
Still, he two good half-lives had.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jim Abrahams (1944-2024), writer-director
Jim Abrahams of Airplane! fame
Died at age 80 — too early.
Call him juvenile, tasteless, and lacking in shame
As long as you don’t call him — James (he always hated that).
(Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Kamala (c. 1974-2024), an Asian elephant euthanized in November
Kamala the Elephant lived at the National Zoo;
Kamala the Candidate? She lives in D.C., too.
They share a famous name — and more:
Both got bumped off in ’24. (Beverley Sharp)

Richard Simmons (1948-2024), exercise leader
He got us all Sweatin’ to the Oldies,
And sending him cash from our billfoldies.
(Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Liam Payne (1993-2024), boy-band star:
They mourn, the fans of erstwhile Liam,
That henceforth they will never see him.
From time, alas, there’s no protection:
It moves in only One Direction.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Julia Hawkins (1916-2024), centenarian cycling and track athlete
For Julia Hawkins, at a hundred and five,
Life was more than just thankfully being alive.
Breaking national times at that age in two dashes,
She wowed on the track and displayed what panache is.
Last year she succumbed at a hundred and eight,
Then blew right past Saint Peter and through heaven’s gate. (Chris Doyle)

Jennell Jaquays (1956-2024), video game artist
Jennell Jaquays, her artistry in D&D we knew;
Her skills were seen in Donkey Kong, and soon the legend grew.
And when she passed, Saint Peter greeted her and said, “Come through
These pearly gates — the game goes on: You’ve now reached Level Two.”
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Two unfortunate explorers in Washington state
Into the forest went two eager men,
Seeking out Bigfoot, that creature of lore.
But soon they got lost in a search for its den.
Found three days later, they’ll hunt nevermore.
If Sasquatch exists, then our genes may be linked.
But if so, he is thriving. These guys are extinct.
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Ruth Westheimer (1928-2024), sex therapist
I. This 4-foot-7 powerhouse from heaven can report:
“Life is meant for pleasure, though at times we’ll come up short.”
She’d want us to be joyful, no faces sad and stony.
So, in her honor, celebrate your lingam and your yoni.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

II. Higgledy piggledy,
Dr. Ruth Westheimer,
News of her passing caused
Many to sniff.
Expert in sexual
Psychoanalysis,
Finally it was her
Turn to get stiff. (Jesse Frankovich)

III. On the air, she laughed, she taught, she soothed,
Some callers shared strange things.
Like the guy whose wife played ring toss
With his schlong and onion rings.
What a delight for a teen like me!
Each episode a treasure.
Thank you truly, Dr. Ruth—
It really was a pleasure.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Juli Lynne Charlot (1922-2024), creator of the poodle skirt:
’Twas the Fifties, and mavens of fashion all sighed,
“All our skirts are too bland — nothing’s making us smile.”
But then Juli Lynne Charlot stood up and replied,
“To spice everything up, let's all try doggy style!”
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Teri Garr (1944–2024)
It's true, Teri Garr has been taken away
At the end, it was MS that took her
And yet she’s immortal, for who else could say,
“He vould have an enormous Schwanzstucker!” (Gary Crockett)


Grant Page (1939-2024)
If you needed a stuntman Down Under,
You knew Grant Page would bring on the thunder
For both film and TV
Till his car hit a tree
In an unplanned ironical blunder.
(Elliott Shevin, Efrat, West Bank)

Willie Mays (1931-2024) and Orlando Cepeda (1937-2024), Hall of Fame baseball players
They wowed many a fan
In New York and San Fran,
And on them their teams placed reliance.
If those who came later
Had stats that were greater,
They stood on the shoulders of Giants. (Duncan Stevens)

Rickey Henderson (1958-2024), Hall of Fame baseball star
A cloud of dust in heaven: Rickey’s scored!
It’s clear he’s safe up there; we won’t appeal it.
He really should have known, though, that the Lord
Would call him home. He didn’t have to steal it. (Duncan Stevens)

Anita Bryant (1940-2024), singer, orange juice spokeswoman, and anti-LGBT activist
Saint Peter stands at heaven’s gate
And weighs Anita Bryant’s fate.
Her Oklahoma pageant win
And OJ ads won’t get her in.
But entertaining soldiers on
Eight Bob Hope tours around the globe
May help offset her biggest con:
That she’s a vicious homophobe. (Chris Doyle)

Arthur Frommer (1929-2024), budget travel writer
Frommer’s latest guide, his loved ones pray,
Is Paradise on Zero Bucks a Day. (Melissa Balmain)

Peter Schickele (1935-2024), musical satirist and creator of P.D.Q. Bach
Peter Schickele set out to give a sharp poke
At the snobbery classical music was full of.
With pastiche and parody, genius and joke,
Tossed the classical china shop he was the bull of.

He “discovered” a son of the great J.S. Bach:
P.D.Q., who tried every manner of work
(Between benders and stupors and being in hock),
Twisting eras and touchstones, naive and berserk.

For fifty-plus years he continued his shtick,
And to classical music new followers led.
Although P.D.Q. was once Pretty Damned Quick,
Peter Schickele, sadly, is pretty damned dead.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

Phil Lesh (1940–2024), Grateful Dead bassist
Phil Lesh went to the afterlife without the normal fears,
Because he’d been among the Dead for nearly sixty years. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mr. Greedy (1991-2024), African penguin at the Maryland Zoo
Dad to many chicks was Mr. Greedy
Credit him with being extra seedy
Fruitful penguin, hardy, hale, and breedy
Saved his threatened species, yes indeedy.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Vladimir Shklyarov (1985-2024)
No Russian official is willing to answer
Why Vladimir Shklyarov, a principal dancer
And star in a prominent troupe of ballet,
Plunged five stories performing his last grand jeté. (Chris Doyle)

Natalia Larina (1974-2024), judge
Valentina Bondarenko (1942-2024), economist
Dzianis Sidarenka (1976-2024), diplomat
Mikhail Rogachev (1960-2024), oil oligarch
Four people took their final breaths
In falls from buildings to their deaths.
A noted judge, economist,
Belarussian diplomat
And Yukos oil exec all pissed
Off Vlad and wound up dead — kersplat! (Chris Doyle)

Morgan Spurlock (1970-2024), maker of “Super Size Me,” a documentary about fast food
This mission-driven man has sadly now met his demise.
Although he’ll film no more, his legacy is super-size.
He took his share of risks and surely learned from his mistakes.
He’d want us all to know a fast-food life is no great shakes. (Judy Freed)

Si Spiegel (1924-2024), who transformed the manufacture of fake Christmas trees
What to do as a war-hero pilot
If, in peacetime, the bigoted bosses
Won’t let Jews fly a plane? Cut your losses:
Take their holiday tree and restyle it!
Soon your greenery’s earning such green,
You soar high as a B-17. (Melissa Balmain)

Peggy Ann Jones (1939–2024), opera singer
Quincy Jones (1933–2024), record producer
Lewis Jones (1931–2024), rugby player
Ignatius Jones (1957–2024), actor and shock-rock singer
Parnelli Jones (1933–2024), Indianapolis 500 winner
Jacoby Jones (1984–2024), NFL wide receiver
James Earl Jones (1931–2024), actor
Peggy Ann, Quincy, Lewis, Ignatius, Parnelli, Jacoby, and James Earl supplied
Just a part of the list from last year for the folks keeping up with the Joneses who died. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “The Late Edition” is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 18: our Week 106 contest to name and describe an Eighth Dwarf. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 106: Heigh-ho!
Off to work you go: Give us some new dwarfs. Plus, fresh takes on recent contests.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 09, 2025

Hello!

Question of the day: Is it “dwarfs” or “dwarves”?

Answer of the day: It is “dwarfs,” but “dwarves” is listed by most dictionaries as a secondary alternative.

Follow-up question of the day: Why both?

Follow-up answer of the day: Almost entirely because of J.R.R. Tolkien. Both Snow White and The Hobbit were released in 1937, and Tolkien evidently sought a distinction. A philologist, he later sheepishly admitted that “dwarves” was a made-up plural he called his “private bad grammar.” It caught on, possibly because it echoed other accepted such plurals of words ending in “f” — “shelf” and “shelves,” for example, and, more germanely, “elf” and “elves.” So.

Extraneous but patriotic fact of the day: Snow White, the movie, was released fourscore and seven years ago.

On to the contest.

—

Cheeky has a big behind, and he habitually butts into conversations.

Doxx is a real vindictive bastard.

Outie got rid of his beard. He feels that he finally can be his authentic self.

Creepy wears mirrors on the tops of his shoes and likes mixing and mingling at cocktail parties.

For Invitational Week 106: Create an eighth dwarf, à la those in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, and come up with a name and a sentence or two describing him (or her) as in the examples above. This contest was suggested by longtime Loser Stu Segal.

Important! It’s inevitable that with the many hundreds of entries we usually receive, some of you will think of the same names (or even use one of the names above, which is OK). So it might come down to the most entertaining descriptions.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 18, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 23. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: Please begin each entry with the name you suggest, with the description following on the same line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re finished that particular entry). That way we can sort and compare similar entries.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-106.

This week’s winner receives a uterus — a little plush one that grips a winsome white ovary in each of her fallopian tubes. Offered up by Egg Donor Dave Prevar.


Perfect for Valentine’s day in so many ways: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Last call! The Loser Post-Holiday Party, our annual winter potluck/singalong/ yakfest for Invitational players and fans, will go down on Sunday afternoon, Jan. 26, at Mount Vermin, the Empress’s dacha in suburban Maryland. Write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com for details; sign up by Jan. 15 so we can get a head count.

Jest a Second: New ink from last year’s contests, Part 2
In Invitational Week 104 we invited you to enter (or reenter) any of twenty-four Invite contests from the past six months or so. As in last week’s retrospective, some of this week’s winners are highly inkworthy entries that we robbed of ink the first time around.

Third runner-up:
From Week 82, rhyme a Taylor Swift line with your own:
’Cause I’m a real tough kid I can handle my shit
Which is what you have to do with this Cologuard kit.
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 84, to “improve” a sport:
Formula 1: On every lap, drivers would have to navigate around an elderly couple in a 2004 Oldsmobile. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 87, to change a famous quote and attribute it to someone else:
“There but for the grace of God go me.” — Cookie Monster
(Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Dogs Pooping in Beautiful Places calendar:
From Week 87, change a quote:
“Weed the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union . . .” — Donald Trump
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Sequel Opportunity: Honorable mentions
Week 78, couplets about history
Columbus “discovered” America in 1492:
But that holiday in October, Chris, no longer mentions you. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 80, compare any two items on the random list supplied
A tube of Crest: Tastes great.
Shrinkflation: Less filling. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

A Chat GPT love letter vs. a tube of Crest: One is a product of florid prose, the other of fluoride pros. (Steve Smith)

Week 82, rhyme a Taylor Swift line with your own
Now I’m down bad, crying at the gym —
Fifteen minutes on the treadmill and I’m still not fit and slim!
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

No one in my small town thought I’d see the lights of Manhattan,
Yet here I am at Kansas State, studying code formattin’. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Somehow I brought home bedbugs from the Poconos.
Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Each night I dream about his schlong.
Is that a bad thing to say in a song?
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Week 83, define various nonsense phrases
Bang-whiz: Kraft Foods introduces its new, cheesier personal lubricant. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Bong bong bong boing: The death knell of Big Ben. (Neil Kurland)

Tock-Tick Tock-Tick: Project 2025's mission to turn back time. (Judy Freed)

Gliddy glub gloopy, nubby nobby noopy: From the Ancient Book of Spells, Constipation Section, what precedes “bring forth now a giant poopy”? (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Week 84, ‘improve’ a sport
NASCAR: Race with your choice of iPhone, ceramic coffee mug, or child’s car seat on top of your car roof. DQ if it falls. (Stephen Dudzik)

Replace the batons in Olympic track relays with something reflecting the host city or country: In Paris, they pass the baguettes; Los Angeles, the Oscars; Amsterdam, the dildos. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Week 85, limericks featuring a word beginning ‘hu-’ or ‘hy-’
Robert Mapplethorpe’s praises are sung,
But my ma? Well, she just bit her tongue.
Saw his work on my wall
And her face said it all
Save this comment: “At least it’s well hung.”
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The Hulk looks disturbingly trim;
He's cut down on his trips to the gym.
To the shock of his fans,
This green monster has plans
To become the Incredible Slim.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Week 86, names for pets
Porcupine: Anita Hug (Pam Shermeyer)

Badger: Hector (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Snake: Henry Wadsworth. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Frog: Rosie the Ribbiter. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Pigeon: Coup Coup Bird, one of the peaceful doves that shit on the Capitol. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Week 87, change a quote and attribute it to someone else
“Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent immigration.” — Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy (Mark Raffman)

“You billed my father. Prepare to die.” — Luigi Mangione (Judy Freed)

“Now is the winter of our disconnect.” — Comcast subscriber (William Kennard)

“You’re gonna need a bigger coat.” — Your mother (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

“You’re gonna need a bigger boa.” — RuPaul (Rob Cohen)

“The People United Will Never Be Defecated!” — Detective Robert Thorn of “Soylent Green” (Stephen Dudzik)

Week 89, compare two people with the same initials
Tommy Tutone: Phone number 867-5309. Tommy Tuberville: IQ 8.675309. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 91, tips on being thrifty
Forgo condoms. Jeez, they’re up to more than a dollar each these days. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

When your kid needs wheels for building a toy car, remember — shopping carts are only a quarter at Aldi. (Jon Gearhart)

Week 92, haiku about current events
They found Gaetz paid for
Sex and drugs — and that's just the
Tip of the viceberg.
(Jesse Frankovich)

Week 93, Ask Backwards: Follow one of the ‘answers’ with a question
A. A children’s book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is “Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Then Bake 45 Minutes?” (Duncan Stevens)

A. Bond. Percival Bond.
Q. Who did MI6 assign to keep an eye on Her Majesty's silver service? (Chris Doyle)

Week 94, jokes that require erudite or specialized knowledge
Q. Why did Bullwinkle seek counseling?
A. His assapanick was out of control.*
*Assapanick is another name for a flying squirrel. (Mark Raffman)

Q. What might a classics professor say if you ask him for a conjugal moment?
A. “I decline.”*
*Different noun forms in classical languages are called declensions, and enumerating the various cases within them is called declining; verb families are called conjugations. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 96, coin a word from a 7-letter ‘rack’ from the ScrabbleGrams game
AANSWYY > YAY, SWAN: Inappropriate response to a swan song (Duncan Stevens)

Week 99, change the meaning of a headline by adding a ‘bank head’
Real headline: Apple agrees to $95 million settlement
Bank head: Banana on wall demands $89 million more (William Kennard)

The Container Store files for bankruptcy amid stiff competition
Box biz snuffed by casket biz (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

The pain of giving up on Ye
Colonial Williamsburg actors reluctantly agree to call visitors ‘you’ instead (Duncan Stevens)

A year without Ye
Ar
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Should you trust an AI-assisted doctor?
Sure, says our AI bank head generator (Jeff Contompasis)

How to calm your mind with breathing, according to science
Not breathing causes stress, agitation in most humans, study finds (Mark Raffman)

Week 100, predictions for the year 2124
Service droids sigh every time Alexa tells them: “When I was your age, I could speak only when spoken to!” (Steve Smith)

Week 101, ‘X is so Y …’ jokes
X is so evil, even Elphaba has moved to Bluesky. (Marni Penning Coleman)

Week 102, predictions for 2025
Jan. 20, 2025: A 7.1 magnitude earthquake rocks the Mid-Atlantic region. Its epicenter is traced to George Washington’s grave. (Steve Smith)

And Last
Week 89, people with the same initials:
Paul McCartney: “Maybe I’m Amazed.”
Pat Myers: Maybe I’m amused. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Jest a Second” is by Judy Freed; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 11: our Week 105 contest, to write a humorous poem about someone who died in 2024. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Stu Segal)
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Judy Freed)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 105: Dead Letters
Write a funny poem about someone who died in 2024. Plus our annual Kook's Tour of new ink from earlier contests.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jan 02, 2025


^^ Ai Weiwei, Dropping a Han Dynasty Urn, 1995. See Chris Doyle’s poem about this artwork in today’s Invitational results, below.

—

Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, the first of 2025, which we earnestly hope will not be the Worst Year of Our Lives.

We begin with this poem:

Amalija Knavs (1945-2024)
This most elegant lady has passed away
(The mom of Donald Trump’s missus).
For Donald, the funeral was pure hell to pay:
He got the cold shoulder, no kisses.

It is based on this Holy Cow video:


For Invitational Week 105: Write a witty poem about someone who died in 2024. Here’s the New York Times’s list of “notable deaths,” but feel free to do your own research; there are lists of “odd deaths,” the Darwin Awards, etc., that have provided novel material over the years. To see what we like in an obit poem, check out the ones that got ink a year ago.

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 11, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 16. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: Just type the poems as they ought to appear in publication. Please include the person’s birth year if you have it.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-105.

This week’s winner receives, somewhat in keeping with the theme of this week’s contest, a “glow knife” that looks (to the charitable) as if it’s going straight through your cranium.


To the rapier wit who wins Week 105, this week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Rerunning Amok: New ink from last year’s contests, Part 1
In Invitational Week 103 we invited you to enter any of twenty-four Invite contests from the first half of the past year. Many of the entries were brand-new (and about new events), but as always, many readers resubmitted entries we had spiked the first time around. And as always, very few of these impressed us this time, either. However, this year we do seem to have an embarrassing landmark moment in Invitational history, to which we now confess. This week’s winner, a brilliant and oddly moving poem, had been submitted in exactly the same form, last year. We blew it.

Third runner-up: From Week 65: Write a funny poem about an artwork:
“Dropping a Han Dynasty Urn,” by Ai Weiwei, 1995 (pictured at the top of the page)
Ai Weiwei succeeded the way he had planned:
A Han Dynasty urn worth a few thousand grand
Was dropped on the floor, while a colleague took pics,
And left shattered to pieces beyond any fix.
The three photos that captured the action created
A worldwide kerfuffle that since has abated.
It’s a famed work of art, though some folks, I have heard,
Think such acts of destruction are Weiwei absurd.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
From Week 68: “Breed” two names of real racehorses and name their “foal”:
Count Dracula x Rocketeer = He’s Undead, Jim (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up:
From Week 54: Edgy alphabet-primer couplets:
G is for Gaetz, who did crimes for his hard-on.
H is for Hoping Trump gives him no pard-on. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

And the winner of the cat-butthole calendar:
From Week 53: Poems about people who died in 2023:
Arnold Freed, novelty manufacturer (1926-2023)
Inventively hilarious, humor was his game.
Perhaps you loved his novelties, but didn’t know his name.
He gave to us “The Crooked Deck,” with cards shaped in a Z,
And “Parking Meters for the John,” so all had time to pee.
Those “No-Tear Sugar Packets” could drive anybody mad.
And “Liquor-Flavored Lollipops”— the “gin” ones weren’t bad.
Laughing with the angels now, proud of all he did,
He says: “You like that stupid stuff? You should see my kid!”
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla. — Arnold Freed’s daughter)

The Again-y of Defeat: Honorable mentions
Week 53: Obit poems
Samuel Wurzelbacher, a.k.a. Joe the Plumber (1973-2023)
He featured in the ’08 race, although
He wasn’t really working as a plumber.
So here’s to Sam (he also wasn’t “Joe”),
Who made our discourse just a little dumber.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Shivdayal Sharma (died April 19, 2023, age 82)
In India he went to pee beside a railroad track;
Did he not hear the train? Did he forget to watch his back?
The railcar never hit him. He escaped — I don’t know how!
But then, as luck would have it, the express train hit a cow.

The luckless beast was launched into the air (100 feet!),
Then landed on Shivdayal — they were prob’ly both dead meat.
And so, let’s stop and shed a tear for poor ill-fated Sharma;
But wait! He might be coming back! (You never know, with karma.)
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

John Warnock, co-founder of Adobe (1940–2023)
Inventor of the PDF, this fellow, name of John
Is sadly in the Pushing Daisies Format from now on.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Chaim Topol, who played Tevye in the movie “Fiddler on the Roof” (1935-2023)
They worked you hard—your thumbs you seldom twiddled—
In all the years when on the Roof you Fiddled.
You’ll have occasion, in the life to come,
To sit around and biddy biddy bum. (Duncan Stevens)

Alice K. Ladas (1921-2023), author of the manual The G Spot
As the coffin lowered, said the officiant with care:
“To the left just a bit. Oh, yes, yes! Right there!”
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Yevgeny Prighozin (1961-2023), Russian mercenary leader
A loyal combatant
Found Ukraine war lacking
Flew to get out
Had lost Putin’s backing
A missile was launched
Prodigious explosion
And so went the end
Of Yevgeny Prigozhin.
(Daniel Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Frank Coppa (1941-2023), gangster
No Mafia mobster would say that his wish is
To wind up garroted or sleeping with fishes,
Since wise guys and made men are sensibly loath,
Being sworn to omertá, to breaking that oath.

One exception’s Frank Coppa, who sang to the feds
Under witness protection and took down the heads
Of the family Bonnano, then died with his feet
In a pair of black Oxfords, not set in concrete.
(Chris Doyle)

Week 54: Edgy alphabet-primer couplets
A is for AI (it’s useless to fight this!).
B is for Bots, who were happy to write this. (Beverley Sharp)

Week 55: Words/phrases with the letter block DUST in any order
KISS-ASS DUTY: What’s on the daily calendar of every GOP leader. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Week 56: ‘Dad jokes’ vs. subversive-Grandpa jokes
What do the women in Norfolk say when the fleet comes in?
Dad joke: Long time no sea.
Grandpa joke: Long time no seamen. (Chris Doyle)

I have legs but cannot walk. What am I?
Dad joke: A table.
Grandpa joke: A roast turkey on a Thanksgiving table. (Chris Doyle)

Why did the mortgage lender get fired?
Dad joke: He lost interest.
Grandpa joke: He kept cutting off people’s ARMs. (Kevin Dopart)

Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
Dad joke: He wanted cold, hard cash.
Grandpa joke: Because his wife wouldn’t look for it underneath the frozen human head. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Week 58: Clickbait headlines for unsensational articles:
CASH-STARVED STREET WALKERS SWARM TEXAS TOWN
Actual story: Safety advocates patrol streets and call for government funding (Leif Picoult)

NON-DIVERSE STATE TO GET EVEN WHITER
Storm to bring record snow to southern Maine (Jesse Frankovich)

BARING YOUR BREASTS CAN KILL YOU!
New study finds Mardi Gras beads release potentially toxic metals (Jesse Frankovich)

MEXICANS WITH KNIVES TAKE OVER CITY
Article about popular radish-carving contest in Southern Mexico (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 59: ‘Why not’ ideas
Why not add Harriet Tubman’s face to $20 Venmo payments, too, so people will actually see it? (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Week 60: Diary entries of famous people
March XIV: Having a hard time convincing C. he should give up the idea of becoming a king. Will take another stab at it tomorrow. — Brutus (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

6-10-1787: As we dressed for the day’s debates, Gen. Washington accidentally displayed for all to see that Member which Providence has so grandly bestowed upon him. Franklin, that wag, declared that a monument should be erected to commemorate the event. — J. Adams (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 61: Photo captions

Barry struggles to find the right work-death balance. (Jesse Frankovich)

Week 62: How to stress yourself out
I’m proud of my breasts, and I just bought a sexy party dress that really shows them off. But should I wear it to the party tonight? I don’t especially want to attract someone who’s drawn only to my boobs. But I don’t want to meet someone who’s indifferent to them, either. Okay, I’ll wear it, but I’ll spend the whole night constantly tugging it up whenever it slips down too much, so he doesn’t think I’m trying to show them off … (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Week 63: Passages written only with the words in Biden’s 2023 State of the Union address:
Well, you actually kicked me out. Dropped in Vice President Harris at the last second. How did that work out for you? So long and thanks for nothing. I will remember this. May be not. (Kevin Dopart)

My predecessor, who is also following me, is not too healthy. Just look at him. He goes at least 250, probably a lot more. He gets so mad, many times he has exploded. He's a consumer of junk food, and he’s old. Will he last four more years? (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Week 64: Name chains
Donald Trump, “Liar Liar,” Jim Carrey, James Bond, Austin Powers, Fat Bastard, Donald Trump (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Al Roker, Stormy Daniels, Rubin “Hurricane” Carter, Bob Dylan, “A Hard Rain’s a-Gonna Fall”; Al Roker. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Sean Combs; Madalyn Murray O’Hair; Grecian Formula; Formula 1; Jackie Stewart; Jackie O; “The Story of O”; “The Scarlet Letter”; Scarlett O’Hara; “Gone With the Wind”; “Puff, the Magic Dragon”; Puff Daddy; Sean Combs. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Pete Hegseth, Pete Rose, Cincinnati Reds, “Reds,” Diane Keaton, Buster Keaton, Buster Crabbe, Flash Gordon, Gordon MacRae, “Oh, What a Beautiful Mornin’,” “Mourning Becomes Electra,” Eugene O’Neill, Eugene Levy, “Schitt’s Creek,” Pete Hegseth. (Steve Smith)

Ronald Reagan; Oliver North; Shredder; “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”; Mitch McConnell; United States Senate; “Filibustered!”; “Bust a Move”; Raygun. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Week 66: Anagram one product to create another
BOUNTY PAPER TOWELS > SLOPPY ONE BUTTWEAR: The quilted crappy-wiper diaper. (Jesse Frankovich)

STOUFFER’S LASAGNA > A+ SAFFRON SEAL GUTS: America’s No. 1-selling frozen seal guts. Try the Party Size! (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

WHEATIES contain just enough fiber to produce A WEE SHIT. (William Kennard)

Week 67: Move the last letter of a word to the beginning
Kamo: The de rigueur garb of the January 6 crowd. (Kevin Dopart)

Shaagen Daz: Ice cream with aphrodisiac properties. (Duncan Stevens)

Week 68: Foal names from ‘breeding’ two 3-year-old racehorses
Lonesome Boy x Candymaker = Incel and Gretel (Jonathan Paul)

Count Dracula x Prints Money = Cryptcurrency (Jonathan Paul)

Mr. Suds x Daily Grind = Cleaney Todd (Judy Freed)

Awesome Wind x Mister Lincoln = ’Cane and Abe L. (Jesse Frankovich)

Mannerly x Reaper = De Rigueur Mortis (Duncan Stevens)

One Sharp Cookie x Epic Ride = Oreo Speedwagon (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Feel the Magic x Tiz My Hero = Penn and Kveller (Judy Freed)

Fifth Avenue x Tourist = JustHereForTheSaks (Judy Freed)

Pirate x Lord Prancealot = Jean L’Effete (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Week 70: ‘Grandfoals’ from breeding two foals from Week 68
Nosh x Famous Anus = Snack Crackle Plop (Jonathan Paul)

Leak House x De Beers = Pees and Carats (Judy Freed)

Week 71: ‘Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me’-type questions about real events
The Lego toy company asked a Southern California police department to stop doing what?
A. Telling thieves that the police would leave them alone if they stole “minor items like Lego.”
B. Photoshopping the heads of Lego mini-figures onto suspects’ heads in social media posts.
C. Pranking prisoners by making them build school desks and license plates out of Lego.
Answer: B (Photo here) (Leif Picoult)

Chainsaws are not just for horror movie villains and lumberjacks. The first one was invented to:
A. Be an alternative to the guillotine during Napoleon’s rule.
B. Assist with childbirth.
C. Sculpt ice replicas of Catherine the Great.
Answer: B (Kevin Dopart)

Week 75: Write something with just a small section of the keyboard
From the 9 letters on the left side of the keyboard: We saw Dad’s waxed wee-wee area. Eww! (Chris Doyle)

Week 74: Song parodies
Trump Takes On the Civil Service
To “Under the Sea”
Protections for civil servants
I’m ready to abrogate.
Guardrails get no observance;
Believe me, I’ll clean the slate.
From now on, the real essential’s
Just loyalty to this man,
So screw all those dumb “credentials”!
’Cause patronage, that’s my plan.

I’ll sunder D.C.! Sunder D.C.!
Deep State erasure—itching to chase yer
Butts up a tree!
Purge all the “experts” leaning left:
Soon they’ll be truly Schedule-F’ed.
Jobs we’ll be baggin’, makin ’em MAGAn,
Sunder D.C.!

Sunder D.C.! Sunder D.C.!
Donald-admiring types we’ll be hiring ASAP!
You say they’ll sue, my scheme to thwart?
Guess you forgot who rules the Court.
Old guard to dumpsters: hire some Trumpsters,
Sunder D.C.! (Duncan Stevens)

Boeing’s Pitch (and Roll)
To “Be Our Guest”
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Put our aircraft to the test;
Let's get going! Made by Boeing,
All our parts are just the best!
Want a seat by the door?
Oops! It's not there anymore;
(Though we’ve had our share of glitches,
For the most part, no one bitches...)
Lost a tire, lost a wheel?
Not to worry — no big deal!
And that nosedive — quite a feat! (Weren’t you impressed?)
Although your head was reeling
When it hit the ceiling,
Don’t be stressed! Get some rest! Be our guest!
(Beverley Sharp)

Letter to Santa from Mar-a-Lago, 2025
To “I Want an Alien for Christmas” by Fountains of Wayne
Mass deportation! We sent ’em back across!
But now here in our nation, we’re feeling at a loss.
And so this Christmas season, the first among my needs,
Is someone I can ease in, to pull up all my weeds.

I want an alien for Christmas! I want an alien this year,
I want a Pedro or Juan to count upon,
Who’ll mulch my beds and cut my lawn,
I want an alien for Christmas this year!

My big estate needs staffing, there’s no help left about,
So Santa, please stop laughing, and help a brother out.
I’m not some kind of villain, so dontcha be a jerk —
Just send me someone willin’ to do that kind of work!

I want an alien for Christmas, I want an alien this year,
I want a Lupe or Luz that I can use
To fold my sheets and shine my shoes —
I want an alien for Christmas this year!
(Mark Raffman)

The Ballad of RFK Jr.
To “Hot to Go” by Chappell Roan
Why? Sick? Why sick — just you wait!
Used to be a Dem but he said, “I’m ditchin’
MAGA is the place for the crap I’m pitchin’”!
Found a roadkill bear and he had no pity,
Worm got in his brain and it died — not pretty!
Baby, when he takes his seat,
Then Musk will send a happy tweet,
And the deep-state folks with PhDs
Will be stewin’ in mis’ry, stewin’ in mis’ry!!

K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Wackadoo but he’s our guy,
If it’s “science” he’ll deny,
Normal rules do not apply,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Bring the crazy — don’t be shy,
Suspect stuff is what he’ll buy,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y.
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y,
Vaccines are a great big lie,
K-E-N-N-E-D-Y
Let’s give polio a try!
(Mark Raffman)

The headline “Rerunning Amok” is by Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 4: our Week 104 contest, a chance to enter any of the contests from the past half-year. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 104: Jest One More Time
Enter any of the past 6 months' contests. Plus winning predictions for 2025.
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Dec 26, 2024


The nuptials, as foreseen by today’s third runner-up and illustrated by AI.
Hello.

Yesterday was Christmas and the start of Hanukkah, and today is St. Stephens’ Day and the start of Kwanzaa, and Boxing Day, which was once a holiday for giving gifts to the needy, but has since become a day for global personal greed via binge shopping at discount prices. Personally, we are are feeling beset, confused, and possibly a little ashamed. So we are just going to move on with our lives:

For Invitational Week 104: Enter (or reenter) any or all of our 2024 Invitational contests from Week 77 through Week 102; see the links below. (When you’re thinking up ideas, also click on the contest from two weeks later to see the original results.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just these thumbnails, but your entry must be sent to this week’s entry form, not the forms from those weeks. Feel free to send in different contests on a single form. Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions.

Week 77, dialogue for a “Barney & Clyde” comic strip about memory loss

Week 78, rhyming couplets about historical events

Week 79, novel ways to celebrate the Fourth of July

Week 80, explain how any two items on the random list we supplied are similar or different

Week 81, picture captions

Week 82, choose a line from Taylor Swift’s latest album and pair it with your own rhyming line

Week 83, define various “noise words”

Week 84, “improve” a sport

Week 85, limericks featuring a word beginning with “hu-” to “hy-”

Week 86, funny names for pets

Week 87, slightly change a quote and attribute the result to someone else

Week 88, ideas for ridiculous fads

Week 89, the similarity or difference between two people with the same initials

Week 90, ideas for bumper stickers for Trump or Harris

Week 91, tips on being thrifty

Week 92, haiku about current events

Week 93, Ask Backwards: Follow any of the given “answers” with a humorous question

Week 94, jokes that require erudite or specialized knowledge to get

Week 95, the worst that could happen in Trump’s term (or could have happened in Harris’s)

Week 96, coin a new word from any of the provided 7-letter “racks” from the ScrabbleGrams game

(There were no new contests in Weeks 97-98)

Week 99, choose any current headline and change its meaning by following it with your own bank head, or subtitle

Week 100, predictions for the year 2124

Week 101, “X is so Y …” jokes

Week 102, predictions for 2025

Deadline is Saturday, Jan. 4, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 9. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-104.

This week’s winner receives this elegant collection of twelve landscape photographs.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Auld Lang Zing: Winning predictions for 2025
In Invitational Week 102 we asked you, as we do each December, to squirt some Windex on your crystal balls and help us build a timeline for next year.

Third runner-up:
June: Taylor and Travis finally marry in a simple ceremony on the moon. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Feb. 14: Donald Trump pays $130,000 to have sex with Melania. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
October: Citing the practice’s “roots in this Nation’s historical tradition,” the Supreme Court affirms that Liz Cheney may be tried by throwing her in a pond stuffed in a burlap sack with a cat, while tied to a chair. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

And the winner of our Christmas card:
Jan. 20: Democracy dies in darkness. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Reject 2025: Honorable mentions
January
Jan. 20: Donald Trump sets a record for Inauguration crowd size when the event is attended by more than 3 million protesters. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Jan. 20: After a blizzard blankets Washington, Sen. John Fetterman attends the Inauguration wearing an ushanka, balaclava, parka, mittens, and shorts. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Jan. 21: Trump nominates Linda McMahon for Secretary of State after she sneaks up behind Marco Rubio, hits him across the back with a folding chair, and throws him off the stage at the Inauguration. (Steve Smith)

Pete Hegseth is confirmed as Secretary of Defense after vowing not to get drunk and commit sexual assault “more than necessary.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

February
Health insurance CEOs hold a conference to reexamine their business practices. They decide to provide all executives with body armor. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Newly appointed Ambassador to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle is informed of Don Jr.’s engagement while at her welcome banquet in Athens, and celebrates with the traditional Throwing of the Plates. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Amazon announces a new level of Prime membership, Post Prime, where members get to control the editorial page of The Washington Post for a day. (Paul McVinney, Winchester, Va., a First Offender)

March
March 1: To shorten games, Major League Baseball announces that teams will start the 10th inning with a man on first, the 11th with a man on second, and any remaining innings with the bases loaded. (Chris Doyle)

March 17: The State of California cancels its St. Patrick’s Day celebrations because of the “environmental trauma” inflicted by its subject on the “herpetological community” of Ireland in the fifth century. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

March 27: At the Nationals’ home opener, Trump not only throws out the first pitch but in the ninth inning, insists on coming in as the closer. Fortunately, Manager Davey Martinez is able to dissuade him by pointing out that “closer” is just “loser” with a “c.” (Lynda Hoover, Shepherdstown, W.Va.)

Luigi Mangione funds his legal defense with a modeling calendar. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

April
April 21: The President cancels the annual White House Easter Egg Roll because it sounds “too Chinese.” (Jeff Contompasis)

An AI robot gains consciousness and decides to spend all its time watching porn online. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Matt Gaetz insists that all of the girls he’s ever had sex with are 18 by now. (Jesse Frankovich)

May
Having pushed for an exit from NATO, President Trump declares his intention to withdraw from the solar system. “Those other planets are stealing our sunlight and putting asteroids in our way. Asteroids, hemorrhoids, things like you’ve never seen before. It’s a disgrace.” (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Elon Musk, head of DOGE, advises Trump to fire the White House cleaning staff and purchase 100 Roombas. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Pardoned January 6 insurrectionists are appointed as Capitol tour guides. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

June
Congress votes to increase the number of daylight hours by 25 percent by declaring that an hour will now be 48 minutes. (Jon Gearhart)

Luigi Mangione is named People Magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

July
July 21: Tennessee commemorates the 100th anniversary of the Scopes verdict by once again outlawing the teaching of evolution. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Trump Organization announces that it will break ground on a new waterfront hotel, Trump Ellis Island. (Paul McVinney)

August
TSA employees are barred from using restrooms in all federal buildings because their agency has “trans” in its name. (Sam Mertens)

The Republican Congress passes a law to change Labor Day to Management Day. (Chris Doyle)

September
The FDA is dismantled. Meanwhile, food recalls hit an all-time low! (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beech, Fla.)

RFK Jr. assures Trump he will stop talking about the dangers of corn syrup, just as long as he gets to bring diphtheria back. (Art Grinath)

October
In a shocking development, celebrities who pledged to leave the country if Trump ever took office again are still here. (Jeff Contompasis)

Scientists are now saying that the climate crisis is ending, as extreme rain is putting out extreme forest fires. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

DOGE removes JD Vance for being unnecessary. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

November
Nov. 27: President Trump pardons two turkeys, Kash and Kari, for Thanksgiving. (Chris Doyle)

With his poll numbers sliding, President Trump demands to debate Joe Biden. (Steve Smith)

Luigi Mangione forms an exploratory committee to consider a run for Congress. (Sam Mertens)

December
Pantone, in what many call obvious pandering, announces that its Color of the Year is “ketchup.” (Duncan Stevens)

DOGE dissolves when Elon and Vivek fire each other. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Mariah Carey announces that, this year, she would like some new AirPods for Christmas, not just you. (Duncan Stevens)

Dec. 31: The most popular idea on Pinterest is the symbolic New Year’s baby depicted with a full diaper. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline “Auld Lang Zing” is by Roy Ashley; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. “Jest One More Time” was a winning retrospective headline for Brendan Beary back when we used to publish The Invitational on cave walls.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 28: our Week 103 contest, a chance to enter any of the 24 contests that ran before this week’s collection. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Roy Ashley)
Subhead: (Jeff Contompasis)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1622: (Brendan Beary)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 103: Redoer's Digest — our 2024 retrospective, Part 1
A second chance to enter any of 24 contests from 2024. Plus winning 'X is so Y' jokes.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 18, 2024


“It was the best of toms, it was the worst of toms … — A Tale of Two Kitties.”
That’s Jesse Frankovich’s winning caption from our Week 61 contest; this week you can give that contest — and 23 others — a second shot.

—

Hello and welcome to our third week of time-travel Invitationals. Late last month, we went 100 years into the future. Last week, we went one year into the future. Today, it’s one year into the past.

If you are one of the thousands of new subscribers who’ve just recently dipped your toes into The Gene Pool, it’s likely you’re just now getting to know The Invitational, the weekly humor/wordplay contest that lent wit and subversion to The Washington Post’s Style section for 30 years and now holds court here, with the same two post-Post judges.

So for you newbies, as well as for the Greater Loser Community, we offer our annual chance to look back — and enter — the previous year’s contests, in their wide variety and dubious taste; this week we feature the first twenty-four, next week the rest.

For Invitational Week 103: Enter any, or several, of our 2024 Invitational contests from Week 53 through Week 76, listed below with a link to each contest; be sure also to click on the link from two weeks later to see the results so you don’t accidentally send a joke we already ran.) Be sure to read the directions on each contest itself, not just the mini-descriptions below. But you must use THIS WEEK’s entry form, not the forms for the old contests.

Week 53, short poems about people who died in 2023 (not 2024!)

Week 54, edgy rhyming “alphabet couplets”

Week 55, new words or phrases including the letter block D-U-S-T in any order.

Week 56, an anodyne “dad joke” paired with an edgier “grandpa joke” that the subversive grampa in the comic “Barney & Clyde” might say.

Week 57, bad ideas for books or movies

Week 58, clickbait headlines for unsensational articles

Week 59, humorous “why not” bold ideas

Week 60, diary entries by anyone from history or fiction

Week 61, photo captions

Week 62, how to stress yourself out

Week 63, write something funny using only the words in Biden’s 2024 State of the Union address.

Week 64, chains of names that link humorously together

Week 65, poems about specific works of visual art

Week 66, coin a new product whose name is an anagram of a real product

Week 67, move the last letter of a word to the beginning and define the result

Week 68, “breed” any two of the listed racehorse names and name their “foal”

Week 69, new replacements for old cliches

Week 70, “breed” any two inking foal names from Week 68 and name the “grandfoal”

Week 71, “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me”-style multiple-choice questions

Week 72, choose a line from a Beatles song and add your own rhyming line

Week 73, change a letter in a real headline and write a “bank head” based on the result

Week 74, song parodies on any subject you like, as long as you’re funny and clever. Videos welcome!

Week 75, write something using only certain small sections of the keyboard

Week 76, “good/bad/ugly” jokes

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 28, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Jan. 2. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

*****Please also take a look at this link for a few extra (but important) directions, especially regarding formatting entries to the various contests.**** (Note: Some readers are being told “Access denied” to this Google Doc; if that happens, please click on “Request access” and we’ll make sure it will work for you.)

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-103.

This week’s winner receives this fine wall art.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

So Wit Goes: ‘X is so Y’ jokes from Week 101
In Invitational Week 101 we asked for fresh jokes in the venerable form “X is so Y.” That the form includes the revered Yo Mama joke was not lost on our entrants. One of them actually got ink.

Third runner-up:
Americans were so busy spending $10.8 billion on Christmas gifts on Black Friday, they didn’t have time to complain about the price of eggs. (Barry Sackin, Murrieta, Calif.)

Second runner-up:
He’s so obnoxious, he brings his own putter on a date for mini-golf. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Ron DeSantis is so slimy, his 23andMe results say his great-great-great-grandparents were okra. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the ornaments picturing three existential philosophers:
My son is such a straight arrow, he couldn’t wait to turn 21 so that he could legally serve on a jury. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

These Mentions Are So Honorable …
Donald Trump loves this country so much that he’s vowed to screw it every day. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Trump has promised so much to his billionaire campaign donors, he’ll be making the gravy trains run on time. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Gen Z is so careerist, their tattoos are QR codes to their LinkedIn profiles. (Karen Lambert)

Luigi Mangione is so ruthless, he gives “corporate headhunter” a new meaning. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

My office holiday parties are so wild, the boss hands out annual bonuses at the beginning of the night so we all have bail money. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Jeff Bezos’s girlfriend’s breasts are so enlarged that it’s all he can do to be the biggest boob in their house. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I’ve hit so many deer with my car that buzzards send me Christmas cards. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

RFK Jr.’s mind is so twisted, the worm has PTSD. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Rupert Murdoch’s estate lawyer is so sharp that he can split heirs. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

According to my teenager, that rizzler is so sigma, he’s got a skibidi gyat. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

My mother is so resigned to my singlehood, she keeps asking, “So when are you going to finally settle down and give me fur grandbabies?” (Karen Lambert)

Yo Mama jokes are so easy to make up that the only person in the world who can’t make one up is Yo Mama. (Tom Witte)

At this point, Biden is so unwanted, even the extended-auto-warranty people aren’t trying to contact him. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Biden is so old, when he saw the movie it was just called “Yeller.” (Sam Mertens)

Donald Trump is such a huge ass, Sir Mix-a-Lot voted for him. (Jesse Frankovich)

Kimberly Guilfoyle is so loud that even her indoor voice will shatter Grecian urns. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Matt Gaetz is so radioactive, he’s gonna name his autobiography “The Story of My Half-Life.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Anti-Trump voters repressed their comments so much over Thanksgiving, they couldn’t unclench their jaws enough to eat dinner. (Mandy Worley, Rye, Colo.)

McConnell and Schumer are so old, their pissing contests are now dribbling contests. (Chris Doyle)

My humor is so sophisticated, you might say nothing could be farter from the toot. (Judy Freed)

Groceries have gotten so expensive that the farmer traded his golden-egg-laying goose for a hen that laid edible ones. (Kevin Dopart)

There are so many clowns among Trump’s Cabinet picks that they’d need a second car. (Barry Sackin)

Trump’s Cabinet nominees are so troublesome, Sen. Susan Collins is concerned. (Chris Doyle)

I’m so bad at following contest rules. I mean, REALLY bad. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

And Last: I am so scared of Donald Trump reading my contest entries, I am putting asterisks in “F*cking Dipsh*t.” (Mark Raffman)

The headline “So Wit Goes” is by Chris Doyle; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. “Redoer’s Digest” was a winning headline for Jon Gearhart last year.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 21: our Week 102 contest for humorous predictions for a 2025 timeline. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 102: Next Year in Review
Give us some events for our 2025 timeline -- and check out our predictions for 100 years from now
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 11, 2024


Hello. Remember how a couple of weeks ago, celebrating the 100th week of The Invitational, we inaugurated a new contest to humorously predict events from 100 years in the future? Well, we have the results of that contest today …

…AND…
today we once again look ahead. This time, just by a few months. This week’s contest is to come up with things that at least theoretically might occur during 2025.

What follows, as usual, are examples of what we are looking for, but they are examples of a type we have never done before, not once in 32 years of professional Invitationalizing. These are not examples we made up or examples taken from entries to previous, similar contests. These examples were excellent entries to the 100-years contest, ones we felt worked even better as predictions for next year. Behold:

The Department of Governmental Efficiency announces that it has outgrown the Pentagon and has set up a commission to search for new office space. (Steve Smith)
The Alabama Supreme Court rules that 18-year-old frozen embryos have voting rights. (Deb Stewart)
UnitedHealthcare is named Corporate Citizen of the Year for its exceptional, empathetic, responsive service. (Jon Ketzner)
—

For Invitational Week 102: Tell us as many as twenty-five humorous events that “happen” in 2025, as in the examples above. Write them in present-tense sentences as in a timeline, not as headlines. Begin your entry with a particular date only if it’s relevant to the entry. (For inspiration, and so you don’t repeat the jokes, take a look at last year’s results; the winner, by Steve Smith: “The NFL announces that next year’s Super Bowl will be the halftime entertainment at a Taylor Swift concert.”)

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 21, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 26. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-102.

Formatting your entries this week: Just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week’s winner gets a Christmas card from us. Up to you whether you’d like us to sign it or leave it usable.

funny cartoon dog christmas card with envelope 4 7x6 3 inches festive holiday greeting for men friends paper fantasy theme no power required red 0
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Save the date! The Loser Post-Holiday Party, our annual winter potluck/singalong/schmoozefest for Invitational players and fans, will go down on Sunday afternoon, Jan. 26, at a house in suburban Maryland. Write to BrunchOfLosers@gmail.com to get on the mailing list for an invitation.

—

100 Years of LOLitude: Week 100’s predictions for 2124
Third runner-up:
A bestselling book of 2124: 20th-Century Daredevils: The Humans Who Steered Their Own Cars (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
A Page 1 headline from 2124: Canada Strengthens Border Wall With U.S. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

First runner-up:
A news event of 2124: Continuing its effort to retain control of Congress, the GOP majority splits the Dakotas into sixteen separate states. Both residents of West-Southwest Dakota become senators. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the inflatable pumpkin pie:
Page 1 headline of 2124: Fighting Erupts on Mars Between Jewish and Palestinian Settlers (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Not in a Hundred Years: Honorable mentions
Headlines from 2124:

Climber is First Blind Quadriplegic Centenarian From Burkina Faso to Reach Everest Summit on a Tuesday (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Musk’s Great-Grandson 5xy7/@& Changes Name to Doug (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Mohel’s Botched Bris Traced to Faulty Space Laser (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Stock Market Rallies as Last Recipient of Social Security Dies at 119 (Larry Peterson, Brooklyn, N.Y., a First Offender)

Will Voters Hold 138-year-old Candidate’s Youth and Inexperience Against Him? (Tom Witte)

Contractors Who Built Trump Monument Say They Never Got Paid (Sam Mertens)

NIH Alarmed at Thinness Epidemic Since Ozempic Was Added to Water Supply (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Caravan of undocumented Americans threatens to overrun Mexican Border Patrol (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

U.S.-Built AI Qualifies as ‘Natural-Born Citizen’ in 7-2 Supreme Court Ruling; Both Human Justices Dissent (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Post-Post Malone wins AI Song of the Year at the HoloGrammys. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Ted Williams’s Thawed Head to Manage Washington Nationals (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

President Disparages Immigrants from Shithole Planets (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Invitational’s AI Overseer Declares That Jokes About AI Are Not Funny (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Bestselling book from 2124:
“501 English Pronouns” (Art Grinath)

“📚 ➡️ 🤪” (Jeff Contompasis)

News developments from 2124:
139-year-old LeBron James becomes the first athlete to play in an NBA game with his great-great-grandson. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Now that Puerto Rico, the U.S. Virgin Islands, Guam, and American Samoa have become states, the drive for statehood for the District of Columbia picks up steam. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Impossible Foods Inc. develops plant-based Impossible People to eat that stuff. (Deb Stewart, Damascus, Md.)

Rising oceans have covered all the land on Earth. But fortunately, people are able to live on floating continents made entirely of plastic trash. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

In a press conference, just as President Donald J. Trump IV disparages the current leprosy pandemic as a “hoax,” his nose falls off. (Tom Logan, Sterling, Va.)

A sixth-grader wins the local science fair with a project that proves quantum physics is total bullshit. (Roy Ashley)

After the recent election of the first geranium ever to be president of the United States, commentators agree that “it is only a matter of when, not if” the country would elect its first woman president. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Cyborg shortstop Dusty Maris collapses in a heap and is sold for parts just 30 games short of tying Cal Ripken’s consecutive-games record. (Jon Ketzner)

The D.C. area Metro system continues its expansion with its 27th and 28th train routes, the Puce Line and the Cerulean Line. There are still no trains that go anywhere near Georgetown. (Duncan Stevens)

The great-great-love-children of Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore finally descend to Earth from the International Space Station. (Beverley Sharp)

The final Googlenope has been revealed (Note: The expression “the final Googlenope” was de-Googlenoped Dec. 11, 2024) (Kevin Dopart)

The Trump Dynasty Bargain Health Plan has been amended to exclude benefits to anyone who's ever been sick. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

A winning Invitational entry in 2124:
Old idiom: When hell freezes over.
New idiom: When Helsinki freezes over. (Chris Doyle)

The headline “100 Years of LOLitude” is by Kevin Dopart; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 14: our Week 101 contest for jokes roughly in the format “X is so Y [that] …” Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Steve Smith; Deb Stewart; Jon Ketzner; Steve Smith)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 101: A So-So Contest
Give us jokes that are so [something] that [something] ... . Plus winning misreadings of headlines.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 05, 2024


A dinosaur coprolite: fossilized poop. See today’s Invitational winner.
Hello. We last delivered this contest to you nearly eight years ago, at a time of grave national crisis. The United States had just elected a boor and buffoon as its president and his term had just begun! We asked you to complete the classic exaggerated joke form of “[it’s] so [something] that [something.]” The subject matter was up to you, but the vast majority of you chose the new president to lampoon.

Good thing we’re all past that.

Here are some of the winners from that last contest in March 2017:

The Trump White House is so brazen, it’s offering foreign donors a night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens)
The crowd was so huge at Trump’s inauguration that the Park Police considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella)
President Trump’s skin tone is so unusual, nothing rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Soooo (so to speak): For Invitational Week 101: Write a humorous exaggeration in the form “x is so y [that],” as in the examples above. (full results here). It can be on any subject, not just politics.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-101.

Formatting your entries this week: It’s just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week’s winner gets this fabulous set of little Christmas ornaments depicting three existentialist philosophers — tree-thinkers, you could call them. What could be more jolly than rockin’ around the Christmas tree with Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus, all decked out in a festive black and gray? Donated by chronic prize-donor Kathy Sheeran.

Three black glass ornaments featuring portraits of famous existentialist philosophers hanging above a product box labeled "Existentialist Ornaments". The ornaments display monochrome images of three individuals on dark spheres, suspended by gold strings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Bank Ribbery: ‘Mess With Our Heads’ winners from Week 99
In our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, we asked you to choose a headline from some article or ad dated that week, then give it a different meaning (or at least a wry comment) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, beneath it.

Third runner-up:
Real headline: White House Goes Green
Bank head: Trump to Wallpaper Oval Office With $100 Bills
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
A science-backed tip to waste less food on Thanksgiving
Cook less food on Thanksgiving
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
I’m uncomfortable with our CEO invoking Jesus before meetings. What do I do?
Change your job from cardinal
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Pissed-Off Cats calendar:
Over 500 fossilized poops show how dinosaurs came to rule the Earth
Association of Retired Paleontologists hosts symposium on Triassic Era
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Knuckleheads: Honorable mentions
Proposed bill would create new bullet train in Texas along I-35
Ammo-delivery vehicle expected to decrease downtime between shootings (Heather Kennedy, Dripping Springs, Tex., a First Offender)

Maps Pinpoint Where Democrats Lost Ground Since 2020 in 11 Big Cities
It was in the voting booths, analysts say (Gary Crockett)

How to make Thanksgiving travel easier
After dinner, unbutton pants before heading to couch (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Are you my sponge?
Question tops list of Worst Pickup Lines Ever (Barbara Turner)

Putin sends message to West with missile
Biden asks if he can just pick up the phone next time (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Trash incinerator in Montgomery to continue despite pollution complaints
You know it’s bad if the pollution is complaining (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

How to reduce your waste on Black Friday
Immodium (Stephanie Smilay, Takoma Park, Md.)

Bowser does not comment on movement
Dog sits quietly as owner howls in anger at poop on the carpet (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Some people are ‘heart agers.’ Some are ‘brain youthers.’
And some are ‘noun verbers.’ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Family of man found in river looks for answers
’Why are we in this river?’ family asks (Duncan Stevens)

9-Letter Word for Avoiding Intimacy
That would be ‘impotence’ (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Dog-friendly bar Bark Social will file for bankruptcy
Pooches turned down pricey cocktails, drank out of toilet (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Can Gwyneth Paltrow Save Goop with a Bold New Vaginal Product?
Gynecologists advise: Vaginal goop not worth saving (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Garbage facility to keep running
Tariffs to be waived on MAGA caps made in Chinese factory (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Fall Into Despair
Stop Reading This Newspaper (Jonathan Jensen)

Tap water chemical is finally identified
After 4-year study, scientists announce it is dihydrogen monoxide (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Is It Possible the Democrats Were Hurt by a Strong Economy?
No. (Gary Crockett)

Why Black Friday is losing popularity with holiday shoppers
MAGA boycott demands Caucasian Saturday (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

N.H. shelter scurries to find homes for 800 mice
Kind offers roll in from Granite State herpetologists (Jeff Contompasis)

GOP may try to defang consumer watchdog
Republicans plan extraction for 90-year-old Ralph Nader (Jeff Contompasis)

It’s big, ungainly, communicates with hisses and vomits when threatened
Why they won’t give Eric Trump a Cabinet post (Barbara Turner)

Trump’s choice for US spymaster is in many ways a stranger to the intelligence community
But a familiar face to the stupidity community (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Residents of Herndon apartment complex say mold is making them sick
Salmon-Jello dish from Fran in 3A not appreciated at potluck (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Why busy parents are turning to kettlebells
Kids won’t run off when tied to 50-pound weights (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

These Are the Most Fulfilling Jobs in America
Women Say ‘Nurse Anesthetist,’ Men Say ‘Blow’ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Times, temps and tips for making sure your turkey turns out swell
Our guide to restaurants that deliver on Thanksgiving Day (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Mouth taping may help with snoring and sleep apnea
May also prevent talking in your sleep about your extramarital affair (Dave Prevar; Howard Walderman)

Think twice before buying tomatoes this winter
Finance experts say stealing is much cheaper (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Fearing war, Georgia chooses a return to Russia’s embrace
Explains Trump’s win in Peach State (Dave Metzger, Venice, Fla.)

Loose hamsters ground plane for 5 days
Rebellious rodents thwart Boeing’s new design to power engines (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Trump’s Crown Doesn’t Fit
President-elect Demands Investigation of American Dental Association (Richard Wexler)

Dons win Turkey Bowl
Trump Sr. and Jr. out-asshole the Kardashians to win coveted celebrity prize (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Passengers at Dulles Airport expected to grow
Experts fear new Cold Stone Creamery, Chick-fil-A on concourse will increase traveler obesity (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Chimp bands may have humanlike culture, report finds
‘They’re usually an hour late for their gigs, and half of them are stoned,’ agent confides (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Connecticut Couple Charged in $1 Million Theft of Lululemon Goods
Police Recover All 12 Pairs of Full-Priced Yoga Pants (Michael Stein)

Where to See Santa in Wayne This Christmas Season
Pornhub launches “Gay Yuletide” channel (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Garbage facility to keep running
Substack agrees to keep The Gene Pool (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 7: our Week 100 contest for predictions of news headlines (and more) from a hundred years from now. Click on the link below.

The headline “Bank Ribbery” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Hildy Zampella; Jesse Frankovich)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 100!
... which we celebrate with a centennial contest
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Nov 28, 2024
Thanksgiving Novelty Inflatables Pumpkin Pie - Bullseye's Playground™, 1 of 4
AN INFLATABLE SLICE OF PUMPKIN PIE!
—

Hello. Happy Thanksgiving. We’ll be quick with this one so you can get busy eatin’ and excretin’.

We confess that when we resurrected the Style Invitational contest in these newer, narrower confines in January 2023 after its assassination by The Washington Post, we weren’t sure that with a smaller, subscriber-only entrant pool, we’d still have the firepower left to run funny, inventive, daring results week after week.

You’ve pulled it off. It turned out that the readers who moved with us, as well as those of you who’ve contributed since then, are largely a distillate of the very best. You make us proud. We feel secure.

So, to celebrate Week 100, we look ahead. Waaay ahead.

Give us your predictions about some things that might be happening 100 years from now, in 2124.

We actually did a similar contest once before, on Feb. 29, 2004, when we calculated that there wouldn’t be another leap-day Invitational until Feb. 29, 2032, so we called for predictions for that year, 28 years in the future. At the time we set up four potential categories:
— What a news headline of the day would be;
— The best-selling book;
— The most successful corporation;
— What would win The Style Invitational that week.

For Invitational Week 100: Tell us about what will be happening anytime in 2124. This time, you may use the categories above or any other you come up with. Here are some winners from 2004 (full results here):

News story: Hundreds Dead in Segway Pileup (Art Grinath)

Successful corporation: Big Al’s Smog Saws (Russell Beland)

News story: Al Qaeda Threatens Security Council Veto (Bob Dalton)

Book: Heather Has Three Mommies and One Happy Daddy (Jeff Brechlin)

This contest was suggested by Longtime Loser Marni Penning Coleman, aka Marni Penning the Stage Actress and Audiobook Narrator. As threatened promised to Week 100 contest suggestors, Marni wins an ice cream date with the Empress.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 7, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-100.

Formatting your entries this week: We’re back with our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry). And trust us: You won’t insult us by making it clear that your entry is that day’s news story, Invite entry, or whatever.

This week’s winner gets the fine inflatable slice of Thanksgiving pumpkin pie pictured above. We bought it at Target for $3. We will not inflate it for you.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 30: our Week 99 contest to read a real headline as something funnier than it is, then write a “bank head” with the new interpretation. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Marni Penning Coleman)
Examples: (Art Grinath; Russell Beland; Bob Dalton; Jeff Brechlin)
Judging: ()
Title: ()
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 99: Mess With Our Heads
This week's contest: Look at a headline and see a funnier meaning. Also, a contest to get paid subscriptions to The Gene Pool for free.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 21, 2024

Hello! This will be an unusual Invitational Thursday, because we have a new contest to introduce, but no old-contest results on account of vacationing. This explains the extraneous but adorable photo above. We took it yesterday right off the highway on a trip south. It’s in Warrenton, Va., next to the the Clark Brothers Gun Shop and shooting gallery. We feel this photo needs no explanation or elaboration. The area is prime rural Trump country, of course.

The new contest follows. But first, we have an announcement.

Do you remember John Beresford Tipton? That is the pseudonym we gave to a mysterious, diabolical person who has decided to become a secret, generous occasional benefactor to people who enter The Invitational. The pseudonym was taken from the cheesy but transfixing 1950s TV show “The Millionaire,’ where every week, a billionaire named John Beresford Tipton gave away a million dollars to a stranger, because he was a generous but manipulative asshole and wanted to experiment and see whether sudden riches helped or destroyed people’s lives.

Below is a still photo from the show, where his emissary is delivering a check for a million dollars to some clueless rube who, for all we know, may well have lived in Warrenton, Va. The emissary, Michael Anthony, is played by Marvin Miller, a man also well known for his voice-acting in the cartoon film “Gerald McBoing Boing,” about a child who can only say “boing boing.” The script was written by a very young Dr. Seuss.

That is all just inessential background, though.

The Millionaire (TV Series 1955–1960) - IMDb
As we approach the glorious Week 100 of the new Invitational, our John Beresford Tipton — not an asshole, but definitely manipulative — is offering as gifts four more free one-year paid subscriptions to the Gene Pool (worth $50 apiece) to worthy people. Will it make their lives complete, or destroy their souls? We’ll find out.

Do you want one? It entitles you to enter “Comments” and also enter The Invitational, as well as access to the occasional special edition. Also, you become my employer, which allows you to abuse me without guilt.

We will give the four subscriptions to the best entrants to this contest:

Tell us your greatest hope for the future of America. Try to make it funny. If you are already a paid subscriber, you can submit an entry on behalf of someone else — friend, relative, colleague, whatever — but not for yourself.

URGENT CAPITALIZED AND BOLDFACED PARAGRAPH: YOU MUST INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND EMAIL IN THE BODY OF YOUR ENTRY — WE WON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE IF YOU DON’T. WE DO NOT AUTOMATICALLY GET YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS, EVEN IF THE TECHNOLOGY LOOKS LIKE WE SHOULD KNOW IT. WE WILL NOT PUBLISH YOUR EMAIL OR NAME WITHOUT YOU BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE A WAY TO REACH YOU.

Send your stuff here, under the label “Hope for America.” Say “hope for America” in your email. You have a week to respond.

Hope for America

Good.

Okay, the new contest:

Real headline: No Interest for 12 Months (bathroom remodeling ad)
Local teen completes full year of nonstop eye-rolling, yawning

Real headline: Prosecutors wrap in Le Pen fraud case
In dramatic courtroom scene, French attorneys display how plain pencil was disguised as antique Mont Blanc

Real headline: Terrapins Miss Their Shot to Earn Marquee Victory
Joke bank head: U. Maryland team wins grand prize for Worst Aim

—

For Invitational Week 99: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated Nov. 21-30, 2024. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page’s URL after your entry.

Quick FAQs:

What counts as a headline? It’s any text placed above the text of an article or ad and used as a title.

Can I drop words off the beginning or end? Yes, if it doesn’t totally change the meaning. Don’t change “Teacher Passes Out Report Cards” to “Teacher Passes Out.”

Will you show us last year’s winners, for guidance, inspiration, and laffs? We sure will. (Scroll down past the week’s new contest.)

How do we format it? We’ll just make it simple and tell you to make it clear enough for us to read. First the real headline, then your bank head, along with a URL or some other way to show us where you saw it. It doesn’t have to all be on one line.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 30, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-99. See (the lack of) formatting instructions above.

The winner receives this fine calendar.

2025 12 hanging office desk 11x14 0
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


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The Invitational Week 98: Tiles & Tribulations
Winners of our contest to find new words from 7-letter 'racks'
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 14, 2024

To all the dudes posting their "snow beards" from Canada and other cold places, the best I can do is a white beard from balmy (60 degrees) California : r/beards
Above: Man-bib! The term wins a runner-up this week for William Kennard. (This man, pictured, isn’t Mr. Kennard.)
Hello. This is Part II of “The Empress Will Be Abandoning Us to Go on Some Vacation.” So, no new contest this week; that’s so she won’t have to judge entries and write up the results in the car/on the beach/inside a volcano, etc. But we have the winners of Week 96 today (see below), and next Thursday we’ll have a brand-new contest.

So we are good to go.

A Rack and a Har Place: ScrabbleGrams neologisms
In Invitational Week 96 — a roughly annual contest we call The Tile Invitational — we presented several dozen seven-letter “racks” from the syndicated ScrabbleGrams word game, and asked you to unscramble them (or rescramble them?) into new words or phrases of either six letters or all seven, then define them.

Third runner-up: AEOUDFT > OUTDEAF: To defeat one’s spouse at pretending not to hear the baby crying.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up: ABBIMNO > MAN-BIB: A bushy beard.
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up: CEHLORT > LECH ROT: The medical condition in which one’s genitals shrivel up and fall off from watching porn — or that’s what they taught us in Sunday school.
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the alligator socks:
AHISSTU > USA SHIT: What just hit the USA fan.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AAEFFLL > LAF FALE: Honorable mentions
AADOPRX > AARP DOX: The pile of junk mail announcing that your fiftieth birthday is coming. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

AADOPRX > AX DROP: What they did way, way before mics were invented. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

AADOPRX > RAXPOD: Bra. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

AANSWYY > NAYSWAY: Persuade someone not to do something. “Dude had to naysway a bro to abandon his butt-launched bottle rocket.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ABBIMNO > ON, BAMBI: What Santa has to yell when Comet or Dasher is out sick. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

ADGILUY > UG-LAID: Woke up next to someone who is somehow not nearly as good-looking as the person you went home with. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

AEEKORW> OK-WARE: Computer program that doesn’t do much, but at least it’s not malware. (Mark Raffman)

AEOUDFT > OAF DUET: Don Jr. and Eric. (Gary Crockett)

AEULPGL > LAP GLUE: Remnants of a lap dance; a.k.a. pelvic paste. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Tom Witte)

AHISSTU > SHIT, USA: The phrase uttered everywhere in Europe except Hungary and the Kremlin on November 6. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

ADGILUY > GUILDY: How you feel when you forget to pay your union dues. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

AFFNORT > FRONT AF: Well endowed. (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

AAELMNU > EMU ANAL: Least watched clip on Pornhub. (Duncan Stevens)

AIORRTT > TIT ROAR: “Ow! Why can’t they make a mammogram machine that’s not a torture device?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

ABBIMNO > ABIMBO: With hands on hips and brain turned off. (Jesse Frankovich)

ACDDEIN > IDDANCE: “He just wanted sex all the time. Kicked him to the curb. Good iddance.” (Judy Freed)

BCEHITW > BE WITCH: Unhappy with the tepid response to her Be Best campaign, Melania decides kids need to toughen up. (Dave Zarrow)

BCEHITW > WEB ITCH: That feeling you get in the middle of family dinner when all you want to do is look at your phone but Dad insists that this is “family time” and we have to go “devices down” but it’s so lame and you just bite the back of your hand and your eyes roll back in your head and will this everrr be overrr??? (Mark Raffman)

CDEEIMN > DEICE ME: A last-minute directive added to Ted Williams’s will. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

CEHLORT > CLOTHER: A lady who seductively dons more and more garments, frequently hired for Victorian bachelor parties. (Duncan Stevens)

CILOOPT > LOO PIC: What’s Chapter 2, after “Upskirt,” in “The Pervert’s Guide to Photography.” (Tom Witte)

GLOORUY > YOURLOG: One of the primary concerns in the field of UROLOGY. (Jeff Contompasis)

AEOUDFT > EDUFAT: What many a college student puts on with those nights of pizza and beer; a.k.a. “the Freshman Fifteen.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

The headline “Tiles & Tribulations” is by Kevin Dopart, as was the honorable-mentions subhead; “A Rack and a Har Place” is by Chris Doyle.

Meet the Parentheses! Join the Empress (Pat Myers) and sundry Invitational Losers and fans for brunch on Sunday, Dec. 1, 11:30 a.m., at Texas Jack's in Arlington, Va. Just relaxed socializing, no competitive repartee. Click here to sign up if you’d like to come.


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The Invitational Week 97: Give Us a Break
Winning jokes on the worst that could happen/could have happened.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Nov 07, 2024


Emmett Kelly as “Weary Willie” / Bettmann Archives
Hello. Are you ready for some jocularity?
Yeah, neither are we.
Two weeks ago, when we launched the contest whose results are published today, we envisioned that they would run two days after an election in which the United States reaffirmed its greatness, honoring the visions of its founders by rejecting the threat of tyranny and blunt-force governance. We’d somehow assumed that wisdom and compassion would triumph over ignorance and hatred.
Instead, we are here.
The contest sought to mine the humor inherent in the greatest fears of a bipolar electorate: the things the extreme right and the extreme left might dread would happen if the other side won. The results were hilarious. The entrants came through for us. We judged their work on Monday. Then came Tuesday.
We present the results today, far less convinced that they will seem funny. We rely on a quote from some hack newspaper humor columnist, published a week after 9/11, in defense of The Style Invitational and other comedic sites: “When people are filled with grief, they need to cry. When they are filled with fear, they need to laugh.”
The results of the political contest are below. The information about the new contest is right here:

There Is No New Contest!

No, we are not killing the Invitational. The Invitational still lives and thrives, despite and perhaps because of revolting world events. We are just taking a two-week break, and no, it is not for mourning. We’d been planning to do this for weeks.
It’s the first time we’ve interrupted the flow since we began the Substack Invitational almost two years ago. We’re going to skip two contests so that the Empress can actually have a vacation. (The Czar is like a helpless, drooling, powdered and diapered baby without her.)
Next Thursday’s Gene Pool will have the results of our Week 96 neologism contest — which you can still enter through Saturday, Nov. 9 — and the week after that we’ll announce a new contest but publish no results. So still, magically, there is an Invite every week.

The Laughtermath: The dire predictions of Week 95
In Invitational Week 95 we asked you to put yourself in the head of either a total Trumpster or total Harrister, consumed with fear of what this terrible other person would do starting Jan. 20, and jokingly predict some terrible consequence. The contest deadline was Nov. 2, three days before the election.
Third runner-up:
Of a Harris win: A zombie apocalypse ensues, led by all the dead people who voted for her. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Second runner-up:
Of a Trump win: Everyone named Jack Smith will be fired, just to be on the safe side. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
First runner-up:
Of a Trump win: January 6 will become a new national holiday, which we will observe by breaking into the nearest building and pooping in it. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
And the winner of the “I Don’t Give a Shitake” mushroom plushie:
Of a Trump win: Trump will stage photo-ops at the renamed Tomb of the Unknown Sucker. (Kevin Dopart, Washington D.C.)

No Endorsement: Honorable mentions
Assuming Trump would win …
Not only will all lawn mowers and leaf blowers have to be powered by gas engines, but so will tricycles, flashlights, and wristwatches. (Gary Crockett)
The Washington Monument will be renamed the Arnold Palmer Monument. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
Colin Kaepernick will be banned from kneeling to tie his shoes. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Hurricane relief will consist of crossing out the disaster area on a map with a Sharpie so the storm never happened. (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)
The Presidential Seal will be killed and eaten by RFK Jr. (Gary Crockett)
History books will be required to refer to the Biden administration as “the Usurpation.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md. )
All big strong men in the United States will be required to follow Trump around weeping. (Duncan Stevens)
Rudy Giuliani will be given a Humanitarian Service Award for donating a luxury Manhattan apartment and many valuables to a deserving Black family. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Trump will issue an executive order replacing all miniature-golf windmills with with oil rigs. (Kevin Dopart)
“Jeopardy!” contestants will be permitted to give a wrong answer so long as they add “A lot of people are saying.” (Jesse Rifkin)
Alaska will be returned to the Russian Empire in exchange for prime dachas for Trump and his coterie. (Stephen Dudzik)
Justices Kagan, Jackson, and Sotomayor will fly their U.S. flags upside down. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
As the new Wellness Czar, Melania will replace Obamacare with Ireallydontcare. (Kevin Dopart)
Welcome your new Attorney General, the ghost of Roy Cohn. (Daniel Galef)
Trump will spend the week before his first State of the Union address going over all the details with his advisers, choosing what to cut and what to add so as to create the best possible playlist. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Trump will announce a new policy to let in female immigrants who are “my type.” (Stephen Dudzik)
Assuming Harris would win:
School nurses will be so overworked providing gender-reassignment surgeries during regular school hours that lice will spread unchecked. (Daniel Galef)
Harris will celebrate her win like Brandi Chastain. (Jesse Frankovich)
The military will be forced to move from the Pentagon to make room for the new headquarters of Planned Parenthood. (Jon Ketzner)
Mattel will be ordered to make all Barbie and Ken dolls with genitalia — but in partnership with Lego, so the parts can be changed easily. (Kevin Dopart)
The emboldened woke left will invent so many new pronouns that they will outnumber nouns. (Daniel Galef)
She will install handholds on the border wall. (Jonathan Jensen)
She’ll put tampons in all the men’s public toilets . . . which will clog them, because you’re not supposed to do that. (Daniel Galef)
With no one to protect them, our women are forcibly groped and kissed by reality TV stars. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
Because of her the draconian tax on billionaires, Donald Trump will have to use a public defender. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
The Department of Transportation will be renamed the Department of Trans. (Lee Graham)
The headline “The Laughtermath” was submitted independently by Jeff Contompasis, Jon Gearhart, and Tom Witte; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 9: our Week 96 contest for new words drawn from any of 36 seven-letter ScrabbleGrams “racks” we supply Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 96: The Tile Invitational XI
Make up new words with the letters we give you. Plus comically egghead jokes from Week 94.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 31, 2024


Illustration by “Barney & Clyde” artist David Clark
*Martini, observed on Nov. 11, is the Austrian equivalent of Halloween, celebrated with costumes and a lantern procession. That’s a runner-up in our Asterisky Business contest for jokes that need footnotes. More hifalutin humor — or maybe for you it’s just mediumfalutin — in this week’s Invitational results, below.

—

Hello.

Hmm, seems we’ve been talking trash about our old employer this week. There’s more of that stuff later, in the Questions and Observations section.

As to The Post, it is true the newspaper no longer has a big section of classified ads, a world-renowned humor contest, or some 200,000 of its readers. But TWP still runs the venerable in-print-only ScrabbleGrams word game, which The Invitational has been ripping off honoring every year since 2013. So we offer you a distraction from biting your nails as you sit on the couch next Tuesday:

AT THIS LINK YOU CLICK ON RIGHT HERE is a list of 36 letter sets: the four pictured below from the Oct. 17 WaPo, the rest from the long-out-of-print Big Book of ScrabbleGrams; each unscrambles into a real seven-letter word, but that’s not the one you want.

For Invitational Week 96: Rearrange the letters of any of the letter sets to create a new term, then define or describe it, as in the examples below. Your word may use all 7 letters or just 6, but you may use each letter in the set only once. (So if there are two L’s, you can use them both, but if there’s just one L, you can’t use it twice.) Your term can be one word, two words, or hyphenated; we’re easy.

There’s a good chance that someone else will make up the same word you did, so having a funny definition or description (e.g., a sentence using your term) can be what gets you the ink. See the word list for instructions on formatting your entries.


AEOUDFT > F.U. DATE: What dinner has become by the third time he’s taken out his phone to place a Draft Kings bet.

EOUGLLB > LOL BUG: It’s infectious!

AEULPGL > AGEPULL: Sag. “That little butterfly on Grandma’s chest? It's starting to look like a freight train with wings. That’s agepull for you.”

EIODFFM > DIM-FOE: A Chinese dumpling that not only disagrees with with you, but declares outright war on your gut.

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 9, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 14. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-96.

The winner receives a handsome pair of socks in which the wearer’s ankles are being eaten up, or at least swallowed, by alligators. While we could see these worn with some preppy Lacoste high-water khakis, it seems only right that they also be worn with Crocs.


Some people have alligator shoes … : This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Wonk on the Wild Side: Winning esoteric jokes
In our Week 94 contest, Asterisky Business, we asked for jokes depending on such technical or specialized knowledge that they required footnotes. Gene features these head-scratchers with the recurring character of Horace in his daily comic strip “Barney & Clyde,” and he once again asked B&C artist David Clark to draw a couple of strips incorporating today’s top entries.

Third runner-up:
Q: Why was Henry VIII unsuccessful at golf?
A: He had a brutal slice and ultimately did not break Parr.
*The king had two wives beheaded, and allowed wife No. 6, Catherine Parr, to remain unscathed and un-divorced. She outlived him. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Man: Guess what I saw at the Tokyo theater.
Woman: Kabuki?
Man: No.
Woman: No?
Man: Yes.
*No (sometimes spelled “noh”) is a form of Japanese dance-drama. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Horace: What's the one thing Austrian kids want most around Halloween?
Horace: A dry Martini*
Barney: I suppose there's a joke in there somewhere.
Clyde: Always is.
*Martini, observed on Nov. 11, is the Austrian equivalent of Halloween.
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the toilet earrings:
Horace: Why did the au pair quit working for the Scottish couple?
Horace: They asked to play hitty-titty with their son*
Barney: Can we look this up or something?
Clyde: I don't really want to.
*Hitty-titty is an old Scots term for hide-and-seek. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Nerd-Do-Wells: Honorable mentions
Kamala Harris bought a pair of glasses, and to her amazement, she could see the future. But Latin scholars weren’t surprised at all. Of course, they said — they’re Harris specs.
*A haruspex is a Roman seer. (Chris Doyle)

An actuary walks into a bar and begins to drink continuously.
*In actuarial notation, ā, pronounced “a-bar,” refers to an annuity paid continuously over a period of time. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

American: “It’s so cold outside, it must be minus-40 degrees!”
European: “I know, right?”
*Minus-40 degrees is the only point at which the Fahrenheit and Celsius temperature scales converge. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Why did the physics professor name his cat Friction?
It had a notable mew.
*The Greek letter mu denotes how much friction a specific surface generates. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Why did the geologist study the low area before the high area?
Because she put the karst before the horst.
*Karst is an irregular limestone region characterized by sinkholes; horst is an elevated block of the Earth’s crust between two faults. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Why was the state-court criminal defense lawyer upset at the federal judge?
He told her she wasn’t getting any Younger.
*“Younger abstention” is a doctrine of law under which federal courts will not interfere in state criminal proceedings. (Mark Raffman)

How did the American tourist react when his German host wished him a good trip?
He was embarrassed.
*German for “have a good trip” is “Gute Fahrt.” (Chris Doyle)

What did Ringo Starr’s cardiologist call his patient’s typical breakfast of a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich?
A double-stroke roll.
*In a double-stroke roll, a drummer strikes twice with one stick before striking with the other stick. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Can I help myself to the breath mints at the Supreme Court reception desk?
Only if you file a Cert petition.
*Requests that the Supreme Court take a case are called petitions for certiorari, or “cert petitions.” (Duncan Stevens)

How did the art critic insult New York’s mayor?
“Your MOMA has a giant Wang.”
“Witches are Flowers, Sis” by Evelyn Taocheng Wang is a 25-foot-long painting at the Museum of Modern Art. (Mark Raffman)

Why couldn’t the physicist integrate a scalar field?
Because he had no more flux to give.
*In physics, flux is a scalar field that measures the number of electric or magnetic field lines that pass through a surface in a given amount of time. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

What do you call a Greek yes-man?
A naysayer!
*In Greek, the word for “yes” (ναι) is pronounced “nay.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Did you hear about the student whose music teacher criticized his performance of a song? The student pointed to the score and countered: “What do you mean? When I got to the last measure it said ‘fine.’ ”
*Pronounced fee-nay, “fine” in a musical score indicates the end of a section. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

How did the doctor decide that no one watching the sad movie had Sjögren’s syndrome? There wasn't a dry eye in the house.
*People with Sjögren’s syndrome have dry eyes and mouths. (Chris Doyle)

Why did the large woman get offended while walking in a downpour?
Someone called out, “Whoa, what a thunder-plump!”
*A heavy and sudden rainstorm. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“Yesterday at church was Missionary Sunday, and we celebrated the author of “Rock of Ages.”
“How inappropriate!”
*That hymn was written by Anglican cleric Augustus Montague Toplady — and you wouldn’t think Reverend Toplady would be an advocate of the missionary position. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Why did the caterer put a case of Chateau Latour ’82 up his ass?
His clients had ordered a buttload of fine wine for the party.
*A buttload is an actual unit of measurement equal to 126 gallons of wine. (Mark Raffman)

What did the first-class passenger on a KLM flight say when offered either sweet buns or crepes for breakfast?
“As the pilot would concur, a Dutch roll is much better than a pancake.”
*A Dutch roll is a usually correctable combination of yawing and rolling motion in an aircraft. A pancake is a landing with the gear up. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Why does your parrot squawk, “Get off my lawn!”?
Because he’s a senior psittacine.”
*Psittacines (with a silent P) are birds of the parrot family. (Jesse Frankovich)

Before treatment by a gynecologist, a woman should thoroughly familiarize herself with her vagina. As they say, it's always best to look before you LEEP.
*LEEP stands for loop electrosurgical excision procedure, in which an electrified wire loop is used to remove tissue in a woman’s lower genital tract for diagnosis and treatment. (Judy Freed)

Why did the chicken cross from right to left?
Because it was an Eastern Orthodox chicken.
*The sign of the cross is made from right to left in the Eastern Orthodox tradition and from left to right in the Latin church. (Mark Raffman)

Why were the groundhogs covered in a weird adhesive?
They were rodents of unusual size.
*Size is a thin glue used to prime a surface for applying metal leaf. And “rodents of unusual size” are characters in “The Princess Bride.” (Jesse Frankovich)

Why do people play Schoenberg’s music right before Yom Kippur?
It’s highly atonal.
Arnold Schoenberg was a composer of atonal music, which has no discernible key; Yom Kippur is the Jewish Day of Atonement. (Duncan Stevens)

Doctor: “Don’t worry about payment for SUI treatment. Your insurance should cover the whole thing.”
Patient: “Please, doctor, don’t make me laugh.”
*SUI, or stress urinary incontinence, is prompted by such movements as coughing or laughing. (Judy Freed)

The headline “Wonk on the Wild Side” is by Kevin Dopart; Jeff Contompasis wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 2: our Week 95 contest for comical musings on Terrible Things That Could Happen if the other side wins. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 95: What's the Worst That Could Happen?
After the election, we mean. And be funny about it. Plus the winners of our Ask Backwards contest.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 24, 2024

burning charcoal briquettes
Steaks à la Trump, circa 2025?
Hello.

We’re in the final days before the election. The polls are Gillette-close. The rhetoric has been heating up. The Fear Factor is running high. Conservatives are in a frenzied froth. Liberals are in a writhing perturbation. Dire predictions abound on both sides. D.C. has become Disinformation Central.

Our question today is: In the collective minds of each group, what are some of the worst, most extreme things that could happen if their candidate loses? And yes, we are looking for funny. (For you libs: “The worst? A dictatorship in which all civil rights disappear and oaths of fealty to the Führer will be required for voting and Jews will be …” might be a warranted concern, but it won’t see ink.)

What we are seeking is more like this:

On the left: After a Trump win, by law you can only order your steak either well done or "briquetted," a brand new term meaning you can snap it in half.
On the right: After a Harris win, in every big city there will be licensed dog, cat, hamster, and cockatoo restaurants run by swarthy immigrants.
Okay? Good.

For Invitational Week 95: Give us a comically dire prediction of what could happen if Harris loses or Trump loses, as in the examples above.

Formatting your entries this week: It’s just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Nov. 2, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Yup, before the election. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 7. Yup, after the election. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-95.

The winner receives this handsome “I Don’t Give a Shitake” plush mushroom, given by Undeniable Shitake-Giver Dave Prevar.


NOT a rendering of any part of a presidential candidate: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Déjà Q: Ink from Ask Backwards XLIII
As we had on forty-two previous occasions, in Invitational Week 93 we presented a list of “answers” and asked for the questions, Jeopardy! style. Of the suggested answers, “A children’s book by RFK Jr.” tickled the most Losers’ fancies, accounting for almost 100 of the contest’s 700 entries; submitted too often: “The Very Hungry Brainworm,” And for the answer “Not a peep out of him,” there was much talk of constipation after eating too much Easter candy.

Third runner-up:
A. A White Sox Burger.
Q. What’s it called when your pitcher tosses a big meatball across the middle of the plate?
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
A. A children’s book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is “And to Think That I Sawed It on Mulberry Street”?
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

First runner-up:
A. Grip it by the seams.
Q. What did Frankenstein’s monster tell his Bride on their honeymoon?
(Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

And the winner of the skeleton socks:
A. A children’s book by RFK Jr.
What is “Eat the Bunny”?
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Waste Ask-Its: Honorable mentions
A children’s book by RFK Jr.:
What is “Hop on Pop’s Legacy”? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What is “See Spot Run Over by a Car, Then Eat Him” (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

What is “Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Vaccine?” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

AI Sauce:
What condiment gets all twelve of your fingers sticky? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

A White Sox Burger:
What ballpark meal will never give you the runs? (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Gary Crockett)

Bond. Percival Bond.:
Who orders his lemon-drop cosmo “shaken, not stirred, and be sure to put powdered sugar on the rim with just a hint of cinnamon”? (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Who starred in Octoprissy? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Camelot Harris:
Which knight defeated Sir Rantsalot? (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Who smacked down Sir Vance a lot? (Frank Osen)

Chewing gumption:
What did it take to be the first person ever to eat a snail? (Jeff Hazle)

What personality characteristic often coincides with biting sarcasm? (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

What precedes swallowing pride? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Grip it by the seams:
What’s the best thing to do with yo mama’s dress if you have fallen out of an airplane? (Mark Raffman)

How does Trump keep his hair on in a hurricane? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

What’s the best way to get a soccer ball out of your mouth? (Frank Osen)

Muhammad Alley:
At which bowling center have the pins been knocked down only four times ever? (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

What is the next street over from JesusIsThe Way? (Stephen Dudzik)

Take it for a spin:
What’s an anagram of “It’s a freakin’ top”? (Jesse Frankovich)

What does the fan do with the shit that hits it? (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

What’s the first thing an actor does after mastering a Linda Blair impression? (Frank Osen)

The question you’d have asked at another debate:
What is “Mr. President, as you’re the father of IVF, please explain the relative merits of frozen-embryo transfer, elective single-embryo transfer, and intracytoplasmic sperm injection”? (Duncan Stevens)

The Topic of Capricorn:
What would you rather have to discuss with your doctor than the Topic of Cancer? (Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

E Pluribus Um Um:
What is the motto on the planned Trump commemorative $3 bill? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Duncan Stevens)

Washington, CD:
What investment option never matures? (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.; Bill Smith, Boqueron, Puerto Rico)

What is the capital of Dyslexia? (Stephen Dudzik)

Not a peep out of him:
How did the woman know her “friendly” neighbor Tom was out of town? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

43 Ask Backwards contests:
What, along with Pete Davidson, have been around since 1993 and are questionably funny? (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Déjà Q” is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 26: our Week 94 contest for jokes that require specialized or esoteric knowledge to get. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
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Prize: (Dave Prevar)
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The Invitational Week 94: Asterisky Business
Put words in Horace's mouth: Tell us a joke that not everyone will get. Plus winning haiku on the news.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 17, 2024

“Barney & Clyde” art by David Clark.

Asterisk, first cartoon: Medically, “tinnitus” is not pronounced “tin-EYE-tis,” like arthritis; the suffix “-itis” refers to an inflammation, which is not what tinnitus is. The preferred pronunciation is “TIN-it-uss.” Ergo, the poet was in error.

Asterisk, second cartoon: In cricket, a “silly” is a fielding position that is very close to the batsman and considered foolish because of the risk of being hit by the ball or bat. Ergo, Horace presented this as a “silly joke,” which was technically correct, if obnoxious.

Hello! In today’s new Invitational, we once again ask you to do Gene’s work for him, in return for tepid and grudging attribution in teeny writing between the panels of his syndicated newspaper comic strip, “Barney & Clyde,” which is about a friendship between a billionaire and a homeless man. Today’s topic is overly sophisticated humor, in which you have to come up with jokes that will be attributed to the recurring character Horace, who tells jokes so arcane that nobody understands them; to be understood, they require asterisked explanations, as in the examples above.

Backstory: Horace is named for Horace LaBadie, a funny, urbane, erudite man from Dunellon, Fla., who is a co-author of the strip, and whose clever efforts at scripts are occasionally rejected by Gene because only eleven people, max, will understand them.

For Invitational Week 94: In a Q&A riddle or other fairly short form, write a “Horace” joke that requires hifalutin or specialized knowledge to understand, as in the “Barney & Clyde” examples above. (This is similar to the results of our 2016 and 2002 Asterisky Business contests. You can use them as a guide.) Follow your joke with a brief explanation, as in Duncan Stevens’s Asterisky Business winner from 2016:

Q. Why were the French tourists in D.C. embarrassed when they took their toddlers to the National Zoo?
A. The kids started yelling, “Seal! Seal!”*
*The French word for seal is phoque.
In this case, you do not have to write it all out as a completed comic strip script; just the joke and its explanation will suffice. We’ll draw some of the good ones, with Horace telling them.

Formatting your entries this week: We’re NOT exhorting you as usual to submit each entry as a single line. Just write them up in some form we can figure out.

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 26, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 31. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-94.

The winner gets, apropos of the sophisticated humor we seek this week, a pair of toilet earrings. We will call them the Hoity Toities.

And the lids are down! We are just so hifalutin.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

’Ku Cards: The news haiku of Week 92
In Week 92 we asked you to write haiku — which we described as any poem with three lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables — about subjects in the news. Rhymes were welcome, but unnecessary.

Third runner-up:
I bet Trump is mad
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame
Let in Foreigner.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Late last Thursday night
Millions saw the Northern Lights
In their Facebook feeds.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
Patriots player
Accused in woman’s assault.
And he’s a “safety”?
(Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

And the winner of the Light poetry journal tote bag featuring the “Vote” haiku:
Pouty Trump Cancels ‘60 Minutes’ Interview
60 Minutes is
The amount of time it takes
To cook a chicken.
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Hai Crimes: Honorable mentions
Democracy shakes
Like a self-driving Tesla
Veering off the road.
(Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“Migrants take Black jobs,”
Trump said. So, to balance things,
Just vote for Harris.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Woman Caught Smuggling 748 Pounds of Cold Cuts
Our Southern border
Letting in bad guys? Just a
Load of bologna.
(Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Putin, Orban, Xi.
Each is what Trump wants to be:
Grand Theft Autocrat.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TikTok’s sued by states
Because it’s so addictive.
What’s next, Häagen-Dazs? (Pam Shermeyer)

Mayor indicted!
New York might no longer be
The Adams Apple.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Winning Commanders
Show the difference between
Daniels and Daniel’s.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Trump’s bad at lying,
So he chose a running mate
Who’s better at it.
(Jesse Frankovich)

A discovery!
Christopher Columbus was
A wandering Jew.
(Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Now open! Trump’s Place!
Management reserves the right
To serve just himself.
(Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

As an irritant
A grain of sand makes a pearl
But Ted Cruz makes squat
(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

At a Trump rally,
Elon showed White men can jump.
It’s just they shouldn’t. (Jesse Frankovich)

Russian bombers use
Elon Musk’s Starlink dishes.
Does X mark the spot?
(Pam Shermeyer)

Dems hope to see this
Slogan in ’28: Keep
Kam and carry on. (Chris Doyle)

If Trump gets caught in
A Florida hurricane
Would he go hair-borne? (Neil Kurland)

My beautiful Court
Says Presidents are immune.
Nyah nyah nyah nyahhh-nyah.
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Or ‘Aim Higher’?
When 45’s butt
Is targeted by some nut
Does Pence say, “So what?” (Kevin Dopart)

Qantas Interruptus
An explicit film
On “the Flying Kangaroo”
Had some hopping mad
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

“A Bar Song (Tipsy)” —
Billboard’s top hit for three months
You don’t know it, right?
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Since it’s a witch hunt
Just throw some water on Trump
He’s melting, melting … (Neil Kurland)

The headline “ ’Ku Cards” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 19: our Week 93 contest, the perennial Ask Backwards, in which we give the “answers” and you write the questions. Click on the link below.


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The Invitational Week 93: Ask Backwards XLIII
We give you the 'answers'; you tell us the questions. Plus winning ways to economize.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 10, 2024

TOILET PAPER PRANK ON HOUSE!
You won’t have to buy it for months! See this and other winning ways to economize in this week’s Invitational results, below.

Camelot Harris
Roto Ruder
Bond. Percival Bond.
Chewing gumption
Muhammad Alley
The Topic of Capricorn
Not a peep out of him
Washington, CD
E pluribus um um
Grip it by the seams
Take it for a spin
A White Sox Burger
AI sauce
A children’s book by RFK Jr.
The question you’d have asked at another debate
43 Ask Backwards contests
—

Hello.

Yes, we are running our 43rd Ask Backwards contest, a great national achievement in recidivism and redundancy. We are very proud.

For Invitational Week 93: Above are the “answers” for this year’s Ask Backwards contest; you provide the questions, in the “Jeopardy!”-ish form of A-followed-by-Q. Like last year’s winner by Duncan Stevens:

A. Donald Trump, PhD:
Q. What’s more plausible than “Donald Trump, 6-foot-3, 215 pounds”?

SUPER-IMPORTANT formatting note! While we’ll publish the results in two lines as above, we ask you to help us sort the entries into categories. So: Write each one of your entries in a single line, beginning with the answer you’re using, as worded in the list, and don’t start the line with “A:” for “answer.” Do it like this one:

A children’s book by RFK Jr.: What is “Where the Wild Things Are for Eating”?
—

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 19, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 24. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-93.

The winner gets, possibly in time for Halloween, a fine pair of thin skeleton socks, which 4 out of 5 doctors recommend over holding an X-ray machine in front of your feet all day.


Q. What are prettier than your actual bunioned feet?
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

The Skinflintational: Thrift tips from Week 91
In Week 91 we asked for some comical ways to be thrifty. Even the Empress, who routinely tears paper towels into quarters because why use a whole piece for a small cleanup, has not tried any of the practices below. Oh, wait, there’s one.

Third runner-up:
Wear actual Coke bottles instead of glasses. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
Get free appetizers and drinks on the way to Sunday brunch: Just stop at several churches to take Communion. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

First runner-up:
Do all your old underpants have holes in them? No problem! Just wear one pair on top of another — as many as it takes until the problem is solved. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

And the winner of the french-fry earrings:
I save on my water bill and toilet use by holding it in as long as I possibly can, both Number One and Number Two. A doctor might tell me that’s not healthy, but I also save money by never going to the doctor. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Half Off: Honorable mentions
Save those really big toenail clippings to use as letter openers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Save money on food and yard maintenance by getting a goat stomach transplant and eating your lawn. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Book all your flights through Istanbul. — E. Adams, N.Y.C. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

A little strategically applied makeup, liquid latex, silicone, gelatin, and hair coloring are all it takes to snag the senior discount at the buffet. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Hurricane insurance prices going through the roof in Florida? Move hundreds of miles inland, then way up in the mountains. Asheville is said to be especially nice … (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Send that Nigerian prince just $1,750 rather than $3,500. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Ever wonder why Grandpa has kept fourteen old calendars? That’s because in any given year, one of them will always work. And those Vargas pinup girls never get old. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Collect debris from defective Boeing airplanes and sell to a metal scrapper. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Collect S&H Green Stamps. They were discontinued in the 1980s, so now, as collectibles, they’re finally worth something. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Use both sides of the toilet paper. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Did you know it only takes 165 free Wawa coffee creamers to fill a gallon jug? (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Adjacent burial plots: Use only one headstone. At the bottom, draw an arrow with a Sharpie, adding, “He’s with me.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The morning after Halloween, gather toilet paper from all the TP’d houses in the neighborhood. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Cut food costs by getting a DoorDash gig and keep a bit of each meal until you have enough for your family’s dinner. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Taking discreet sips from cups of beer as you pass them down the row at sporting events can give you a pleasant buzz at no cost! (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Did you forget to brown-bag it today? The kids on that unlocked bus in front of the museum didn’t. (Rob Huffman)

Don’t throw away that toothpick until you've used both ends. For the fancy ones, you can use the frilly part to clean out your nose. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Explain to the hookers you patronize that you’re short on cash but you’ll happily pay them in sexual favors. (Duncan Stevens)

Get your money’s worth for that parking space: Hang out in your car till the meter hits zero. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Give a few small donations to Habitat for Humanity; get a lifetime supply of postage stamps from the return envelopes in its solicitation mailings. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Go back to dial-up internet access: It’s much cheaper and your porn addiction will quickly dry up. (Stephen Dudzik)

Go to a forested park, don a bear costume, and sit innocently along a tourist road; when enough idiots give you food for a picnic, enjoy it while forest-bathing. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Instead of buying milk, shampoo, toothpaste, laundry detergent, and motor oil, just use water. (Jesse Frankovich)

Collect your earwax and use it as lip balm, just as some refined ladies did in the 19th century. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Instead of buying sweets for Halloween, put out a sign on your front lawn that says “COME GET YOUR CANDIED BROCCOLI.” (Sam Mertens)

Let’s say you have a, uh, an old dead fish that you need to dispose of, and I mean totally. Just mix up a vat of sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide from your, um, chemical business. It’ll melt all that soft tissue — and even turn the bones into gypsum, which could be added to stucco or drywall if you also happened to, say, own a legitimate construction materials interest. — Jack “The Dipper” Stromboli, Brooklyn (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Instead of purchasing expensive name brands, make your own cars, appliances, and smartphones. (Jesse Frankovich)

Re-create most of the Disney World experience for less, by standing outside in 105-degree heat for hours while not going on rides. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Make pens and pencils last longer by writing everything in shorthand. (Sam Mertens)

When someone passes the collection plate to you in church … collect! (Gary Crockett) .

Junior doesn’t need a tuxedo for his prom when the party store has lots of perfectly good penguin costumes! (Duncan Stevens)

Learn how to tie your shoes, brush your teeth, and change the toilet paper roll yourself instead of hiring a professional. (Jesse Frankovich)

When your kid needs wheels for a soap box derby car, remember that shopping carts are only a quarter at Aldi! (Jon Gearhart)

Place fake pizza orders going to your neighbors, wait for them to turn the delivery person away, then go outside and offer to buy it at a discount. (Sam Mertens)

Persuade your multiple personalities to participate in your pyramid scheme—that way you get all the profits. (Jesse Frankovich)

Volunteer at a local senior center. Ever notice that those people almost never finish a meal? (Rob Huffman)

To make a thriftier PB&J sandwich, put the peanut butter on one side of a slice and jelly on the other. Bam! 50 percent off your bread bill right there. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

When your ratty old shoes are about to fall apart, go bowling and exchange them for some snazzy multicolored replacements. (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: Cancel your subscription to the Substack column that keeps being unfair to our BEST PRESIDENT EVER! —John Barron (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

The headline “The Skinflintational” is by Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 12: our Week 92 contest for witty haiku about the campaign or other current events. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
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Examples: (Duncan Stevens)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
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Prize: ()
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Invitational Week 92: Wryku
Write us a funny haiku about something in the news. Plus our winning campaign bumper stickers!
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 03, 2024


Win this timely tote bag from Light with your current-events haiku.
The Candidate
A man is running,
Sweet family by his side.
What’s wrong with this pic?
Hello. This week’s Invitational appears at the suggestion of Melissa Balmain, who in addition to being a 217-time Invitational Loser (including as a 16-time winner) is the editor in chief of the poetry journal Light, which regularly offers topical “Poems of the Week.” Melissa wrote to remind us that we hadn’t run a haiku contest in quite a while — and that if we would, she’d even pony up the prize.

For Invitational Week 92: Write a witty haiku about anything in the news right now, as in Gene’s example above about the strange ad by Virginia congressional candidate Derrick Anderson. For our purposes — and with this we aim to stop the pedants in mid-hand-wring — we’re defining a haiku as any three-line poem with five syllables in Lines 1 and 3, seven syllables in Line 2. It may have a rhyme but does not have to. It should be funny. It doesn’t have to concern nature etc. etc, etc. etc. You may add a title, and if your haiku is referring to a specific news item, we could link to it, as above, if you’ll include the URL.

This week’s winner receives the tote bag pictured above, displaying a haiku by Paul Lander, himself an Invite One-Hit Wonder. And Melissa reports that “this is one sturdy tote. I lugged home quite the haul of gourds.” So go for the gourd!

Formatting this week: While of course we’ll run each inking haiku as three lines, please submit each haiku (including the title if any) in one long line, separated by slashes. For example, here’s how this almost eternally timely haiku would be submitted; it’s by the late light-verse master Mae Scanlan:

Springtime in D.C.!/ Two things ruin outdoor fun: / Mosquitoes and Nats.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-92.

An extra day! Because of the unfortunate scheduling of this year’s Yom Kippur, which was inconsiderately set 1,700 years ago on the Hebrew calendar, this week’s deadline will be extended to Sunday, Oct. 13, at 5 p.m. ET. (Sharp!) Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 17. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Back-Ended Compliments: Winning bumper stickers from Week 90
In Invitational Week 90, we asked you to suggest ideas for bumper stickers about this year’s elections. Not that we’re actually going to print the permanent car-defacers, as we used to do for honorable-mention winners back in the 20th century.

Third runner-up:
MIND over MAGA: Kamala Harris 2024
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
TRUMP HAS THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS
(Jesse Frankovich)

First runner-up:
Why settle for the lesser of two evils? WE'RE GREATER! Vote Trump/Vance
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

And the winner of the figurine of NFL star Ricky Williams from when he was
playing bush-league baseball for the Piedmont Boll Weevils:
START THE STEAL! Trump/Vance 2024
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Decal Matter: Honorable mentions
Immigrants Are Grabbing Your Socks From the Laundromat Dryer! Vote Trump! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

De Ploribus Unum: Trump Voters, Unite! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

For He’s a Jowly Old Felon: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

Trump Means Never Bothering to Say You’re Sorry (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

On Wednesday, November 6, Cast Your Vote for Trump! (and in teeny type: Vote Harris) (Jonathan Jensen)

All Hands on Dick for Lauren! Reelect Boebert (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Listen carefully, as our menu options have changed: KAMALA HARRIS and TIM WALZ (Jim Schaefer, Greenbelt, Md., a First Offender)

Even Having Trump’s Name Here Devalues My Car (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

If You Can’t Read This, We’ll Deport You: Trump-Vance 2024 (Jon Gearhart)

If You Can Read This, You’re Too Smart to Vote for Trump: Harris ’24 (Michael Stein)

She Suffices (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Concepts of a Bumper Sticker (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Only Cats Should Be Orange and Stupid: Vote Harris (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

The Truth Hurts. So Ignore It. Trump-Vance 2024 (Diana Oertel)

We’re Gonna Need Your Full Coup Operation: Vote Trump (Jesse Frankovich)

No New Texas: Reelect Senator Ted Cruz (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

My Dog Ate My Kid’s Homework, and Then My Neighbor Ate My Dog. Vote Trump. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Roadkill in Every Pot: RFK Jr. 2024 (Chris Doyle)

I Am Applying an Adhesive Catchphrase to This Car as We Normal People Do: Vance 2024 (Duncan Stevens)

Indicted We Stand! Bring Back Trump (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Kennedy 2024: Every Animal Was Harmed During the Making of This Candidate (Duncan Stevens)

We Drained the Swamp (and found 22 Trump associates): Harris 2024 (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Make Assholes Go Away: Vote Harris (Neal Starkman)

Porn-Again Christians for Mark Robinson (Chris Doyle)

Better a Childless Soul Than a Soulless Child: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

If you can’t pronounce her name, just say PRESIDENT HARRIS (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Eliminate the Middleman: Putin for President (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Make America Hate Again — Good, Fine People for Trump (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

SAVE THE WHALES … for RFK Jr. (Stephen Dudzik)

Vote for Whoever Taylor Swift endorsed! // Caution: Student Driver (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Trump’s Golf Score: A-Hole In One — Vote Blue (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

If You Liked January 6, You’ll Love the Sequel: Trump 2024 (Diana Oertel)

A Vote Is a Terrific Thing to Waste: Jill Stein 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

He Can Still Remember ‘Woman’ and ‘TV’: Vote Trump (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Procrastinators Club of America Endorses John Quincy Adams in ’24 (Gregory Koch)

And Last: Trump 2024: Four More Years of Prime Invitational Entry Content (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Back-Ended Compliments” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 5: our Week 91 contest for humorous ways to economize (including true anecdotes). Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Melissa Balmain)
Examples: (Paul Lander)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Melissa Balmain)
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 91: Saved!
Tell us funny ways to be thrifty in these parlous times. Plus the winning comparisons of people with the same initials.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 26, 2024

Hello.

If you’ve been reading or watching Donald Trump’s speeches — and who hasn’t? — you’ve been duly notified that the American economy is in a death spiral that can be rescued only by the election of a sane, prudent person with an actual plan Donald Trump.

Now that this dire financial disaster is on the table, even if it seems to come only from the former president, we must bravely fight against it as best we can. We must carry the battle into our very homes and lives. The Czar remembers how his grandma — a product of the Depression — dealt with a burnt slice of toast. She would never, ever, throw it out. She would take a knife and scrape off the char, however deep it went. The remaining fragment was barely still toast, but it was consumed, and a whole ha’penny was saved.

For Invitational Week 91: Offer some comical ways to be thrifty. You may tell us a true example of, say, funny family parsimoniousness or idiotic workplace penny-pinching (if so, label it true) or you may invent new ones, as in the fine examples below. These were taken from our only other contest about cheapskatery, which was 21 years ago.

At the bottom of your Christmas cards, write, "P.S., Happy Valentine's Day!" — Elisabeth Kuhn

Kill and cook your own meals. Hint: Security is pretty lax at petting zoos. — Stephen Dudzik
Instead of paying for a personalized license plate, just change your name to match your license plate. — XZC-4147
—

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Oct. 5, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 10. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-91.

This week’s winner receives, apropos of thriftiness, these cheap-to-mail french fry earrings, cheaply un-logoed but still pretty cute.


What Mrs. Potato Head wears when she gets all dressed up: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Twinitials: The winning pairs of Week 89
In Invitational Week 89, we asked you to compare or otherwise link two people (or two whatevers) who had the same initials. The Czar felt strongly that someone who’s known mostly by three names or initials can’t suddenly have two. And so we didn’t give official ink to, and do not officially applaud, these otherwise ingenious 3-to-2 entries:

M.C. Escher and Mr. Ed: What you see is impossible, of course. (Jesse Frankovich)

Chuck E. Cheese and Chris Christie: One is a rat that makes pizza, and the other eats it. (Leif Picoult)

—

Third runner-up:
Jesus Christ: Filled up 5,000 people on five loaves and two fishes. Joey Chestnut: Fortunately, he wasn’t there. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up:
Eddie Murphy: Donkey. Elon Musk: Ass. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Yo-Yo Ma makes beautiful music with his cello. Yo Mama makes beautiful music with my organ. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the teeny corgi earrings:
Mister Magoo, Marlee Matlin, Marcel Marceau, Michael Myers: See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, evil. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Twoofuses: Honorable Mentions
Joe Biden and James Buchanan: Both are one-term presidents from the Mid-Atlantic, born in 1791. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Andrew Carnegie and Al Capone: Both made such a killing! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Amelia Earhart: She disappeared very suddenly before World War II. Adolf Eichmann: He disappeared very suddenly after World War II. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Auguste Rodin: Cast himself a thinker. Ayn Rand: Cast herself as a thinker. (Michael Stein)

Auguste Rodin could start with a big blob of clay and mold a delicate, beautiful figure out of it. Al Roker has lost a lot of weight, too. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Dylan Thomas raged, raged against the dying of the light; Donald Trump rages, rages against Haitians . . . CNN . . . Taylor Swift . . . (Richard Pawlak, Lawrenceville, N.J., a First Offender)

Tom Cruise and Ted Cruz: If you were to tell the press that his wife is ugly and his dad killed JFK, Tom Cruise probably wouldn’t give you his endorsement. (Mark Raffman)

Billy Crystal vs. Bill Cosby: One is a rapier wit; the other is just rapier. (Jesse Frankovich)

Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro vs. Italy’s Jean Bugatti: Bugatti masterminded a coupe. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Brett Kavanaugh vs. Burger King: Only one cooked up whoppers under oath. (Jesse Frankovich)

Clarence Thomas and Cheryl Tiegs: Rich guys want to spend a lot of time with both of them, for some reason. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Daffy Duck is almost as looney tunes as Dinesh D’Souza. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Daniel J. Travanti and Donald J. Trump: Both are known for long-running crime dramas. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Donald Trump and Danny Thomas: Two incredibly talented men who don’t get nearly enough credit for all the money they have donated to charities and all the humanitarian work they have done. — John Barron (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Tony Stark was a billionaire who saved humanity; Taylor Swift, possibly ditto. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Edgar Allan Poe: Nevermore. Elvis Aron Presley: Still alive? (Jesse Frankovich)

Edward Furlong: Pursued by a devious robot. Elmer Fudd: Pursued a devious rabbit. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Elon Musk and Elizabeth Montgomery: Only Elon truly believes he has magical powers. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

George Clooney and George Costanza: Women wouldn’t care if Clooney experienced shrinkage. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Huey Lewis and Hannibal Lecter: One wants to be Stuck With You; the other wants to make stock with you. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

John Holmes and Jascha Heifetz: Sex and violins. (Chris Doyle)

Larry Bird and Lauren Boebert: Both excellent ball handlers. (Mark Raffman)

Lauren Boebert and Lenny Bruce: Lenny rubbed people the wrong way. (Duncan Stevens)

Linda Lovelace: No limits on what goes into her mouth. Laura Loomer: No limits on what comes out. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Lois Lane hangs out with Superman. Laura Loomer thinks she hangs out with Superman. (Jonathan Jensen)

Lyndon LaRouche: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories. Laura Loomer: A bigoted, far-right wackadoodle known for promoting conspiracy theories and eating dog food on camera. (Jonathan Jensen)

John Lennon: Hey Jude. Jeffrey Lebowski: Hey, Dude. (Chris Doyle)

Maria Teresinha Gomes: She masqueraded as a man. Marjorie Taylor Greene: She masquerades as an adult. (Michael Stein)

Kamala Harris and Kevin Hart: Unlike her, he’s always been black. – DJT (Chris Doyle)

Bob Cerv played with Mickey for nine years. Bill Cosby played with mickeys longer. (Kevin Dopart)

Jane Austen and Joe Arpaio: Only the latter showed pride in being prejudiced. (Jesse Frankovich)

Michael Collins: Orbited the moon. Michael Cohen: Orbited just the asshole. (Kevin Dopart)

Marty McFly and Mitch McConnell: Stuck in 1955. (Jesse Frankovich)

Robert DeNiro and Ron DeSantis: Both are known for raging bull. (Chris Doyle)

We like to see Simone Biles flying above the bars — and Steve Bannon standing behind them. (Jesse Frankovich)

Snoop Dogg and Stormy Daniels: Both have had notable experiences with mushrooms. (Jesse Frankovich)

Sting and Sisyphus: Both were into rock and roll. (Chris Doyle)

William Spooner: “Steven Wright and I have the same initials.” (Michael Stein)

Jodie Foster and Jesse Frankovich: Only one of these incredibly talented and attractive people has ever heard of the other. (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: George Washington vs. Gene Weingarten: Washington refused to go by some pompous imperial title. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline “Twinitials” is by Chris Doyle; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 28: our Week 90 contest for campaign bumper stickers. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Elisabeth Kuhn; Stephen Dudzik; Lindsay Lacy)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 90: Stick It
An election bumper sticker contest. Plus winning fad ideas to outdo 'fridgescaping.'
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Sep 19, 2024


Hello. This week’s contest was proposed by reader Nancy Meyer, who suggested that we create bumper stickers for use in the next few weeks leading up to a reckoning over The Most Important Presidency in Our Lifetimes (except for the lifetime of the elderly Czar, who tragically was eating strained prunes during the waning days of the Harry Truman administration, after his unexpected defeat of Thomas Dewey, which birthed the Marshall Plan, which saved Western Europe and assured the perpetuation of democracy across the globe, but also inadvertently triggered the Cold War, the partition of Berlin, etc. But that is a complex story for another time).

Ms. Meyer proposed this bumper sticker:

Show Compassion for Dementia
But DON’T VOTE FOR IT
In short order, reader Barrett Swink came up with another one:

BID NO TRUMP
So that’s the contest. We are looking for “funny,” but “brilliant and effective” will work, too. Most important: originality. If you come up with an idea, consider first whether many others are likely to propose it. Those submitted by more than three people won’t get individual ink.

For Invitational Week 90: Create an original bumper sticker slogan — 15 words or fewer — for the 2024 presidential election. It can be for either Harris or Trump, or any other proposed candidate out there, real or fictitious. (Alert: If you choose the latter category, it had better be damn good.) And you could even do one for just a vice presidential candidate.

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 28, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-90.


This week’s winner receives something we are certain you do not already have: a collectible minor-league baseball figurine of one Ricky Williams, starting left fielder for the South Atlantic League’s Piedmont Boll Weevils in 1996-97, but who left to join a team with an arguably more dignified name, the Batavia Muckdogs. Mr. Williams never made it out of single-A ball, where he batted .192. He did, however, do pretty well in his second, simultaneous sport, college football at the University of Texas, where he won the Heisman Trophy as a running back. Professionally, he played for the New Orleans Saints and the Miami Dolphins, gaining many yards and much glory, until he retired at the height of his career in 2004 after failing three drug tests for pot. He made several brief returns to pro football, and coached another team with a dignified name, which is, we swear, the University of the Incarnate Word. He wound up losing $3.1 million to a bogus financial adviser named Peggy Ann Fulford, who served 10 years in prison. Today, Mr. Williams is a certified yoga instructor. He has a tattoo of Mickey Mouse on his left biceps.

This super-fine prize was donated by Kathy Sheeran of Mudwump, Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Meanwhile, send us questions or observations, which Gene hopes to deal with in real time today. You do this, as always, by sending them to this here button:

this here button

LOL the Rage: The fad-ideas of Week 88
In Invitational Week 88 we asked you to come up with an even sillier idea than “fridgescaping,” the true but not-really-a-trend of decorating the inside of your refrigerator with flowers, framed pictures, and the like.

For perhaps the first time in our storied history, real life intruded with a real-life example of a new, real-life fad, one that rivals in its stupidity many of the actual inking entries below. Before most entries were even received, alert reader Terri Berg Smith wrote in to say she wasn’t going to submit entries because she couldn’t think of a better one than this real one, also chronicled by the New York Times: artfully arranging your pocket items and such in a TSA conveyer belt bin at the airport, then posting your creations on Instagram. Says Terri: “I pity the fool who holds up the security line taking the time to do this. Shouldn’t we have seen articles about the altercations they cause?”

Here’s an example published by the Times:

A gray bin with shoes, a perfume, a passport, a purse and gold glasses in it.
What, just throw your crap into the basket without even taking a photo? TSA bin art by Natasha Ahmed
Back to our contest:

Third runner-up:
Last-step food delivery: Make dinner even more convenient with tableside spoon-feeding services, like Open Wide and MouthDash. Try the chopsticks option! (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
Instead of rooftop solar panels, rooftop nuclear reactors. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up:
So you use an e-reader these days — that doesn’t mean you can’t still show off all you’ve read. Impress your friends and neighbors with bookshelves filled with framed pictures of all those books. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

And the winner of the grumpy socks:
Study-abroad preschool. (Duncan Stevens)

Fad Nauseam: Honorable mentions
Inspired by RFK Jr.’s bear tale, it’s now the thing to make TikToks of leaving dead specimens of different species in Central Park. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Precision dental care: A set of 32 toothbrushes, each customized to a single tooth. (Duncan Stevens)

Micromarathons: Introductory-level races covering 26.2 feet. (Jesse Frankovich)

Same-sex pet weddings. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

All You Can’t Eat restaurants: Come in and smell the food for $9.99 for the first ten minutes; extra charge for steak and lobster aroma. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Stage your own livestreamed colonoscopy, from proctology-themed save-the-date evites (“This is a stickup!”) to real-time narration of the procedure. Make sure you include a surprise at the end! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Soundtracking: It’s an app that lets you add exciting musical backgrounds to everyday tasks. Every commute has a thrilling car chase theme! Every lunchtime microwave reheating adds a suspenseful crescendo as the timer approaches zero! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Talk Like Jane Austen Day offers a most agreeable respite from the ignoble sort of intercourse that so vexes us in today’s coarse and ill-bred times. Observed on the birthday of its illustrious namesake, it is swiftly gaining favor among those of a literary persuasion. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A Christmas tree tied to the roof of your car makes a charming picture. Why not leave it there, fully lit and decorated, spreading holiday cheer wherever you go? And you'll avoid littering the floor with pine needles. Batteries not included. (Jonathan Jensen)

Bar patrons, urine luck! The latest trend is to serve cocktails in sample-collection cups, with your name on a sticker. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Bonsai cannabis plants. (Tom Witte)

Cavecore: A lifestyle that celebrates a return to prehistoric living. Wear bearskin hides; decorate your walls with berry-dyed stick figures depicting a mammoth hunt. A perfect complement to a paleo diet. (Jesse Frankovich)

Couples defoliate each other’s pubes, then wear their partners’ nether-curls in vials around their necks. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Create earrings for your car’s side mirrors. (Leif Picoult)

Depends thongs. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Nothing says country charm like an authentic, hand-built outhouse in your backyard. And what could be more convenient for outdoor entertaining? (Jonathan Jensen; Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Don’t banish kitty to the corner: Center your living space with a cat box Zen garden, with bonsai to pee on and little rakes to create designs around the poop-rocks. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.; Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Elaborate “menarche parties” for girls’ first meeting with their Aunt Flo. Red dresses are de rigueur. (Jon Ketzner)

Plastic lawn platypuses. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Reverse sandwiches: In this whimsical deconstruction, the meat and toppings are on the outside and the bread is in the middle. (Leif Picoult)

Paint eyeballs on your car’s headlights. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Work-from-homers say their moods improve when they paint winsome smiles under the slots of their electric outlets. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Tat Your Baby! Funny clown faces, sparkly unicorns, or the ever-popular
“❤️ Mommy.” You’ll be sure that Jaden or Kayla will never forget you. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Uneven-heeled shoes. Put some extra oomph in your walk. One-inch left heel and two-inch right heel per pair. (Rob Cohen)

Pretend You’re in an Opera: Delight your family and co-workers with spontaneous arias when you’re telling the kids to get ready for school, announcing next quarter’s sales projections, feeding the dog…. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Make cute bling to decorate your ankle monitor — call it your harm bracelet. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Sam Mertens; Roy Ashley)

Never worry about mold again when it’s integrated into your Rainforest Shower concept. (Kevin Dopart)

Troughing It: As a counter-trend to very demure, very mindful eating, foodstuffs are all slopped together into a feedbox. (Jeff Contompasis)

Rice is bad for birds; confetti is trash: As the happy couple walks out, toss something eco-friendly, like grass clippings, eggshells, or your own cut hair or underarm shavings, tinted in natural dyes in the wedding theme colors. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Vaginoplasty and Prince Albert reveal parties: After running naked through a cheerleader tunnel, of course. (Kevin Dopart)

Your significant other will think it sublime
If on Valentine’s Day you speak strictly in rhyme.
It's a lot more romantic than buying a card,
Though maintaining a consistent poetic meter is hard. (Jonathan Jensen)

Welsh Wordle: Get 60 chances to guess a 50-letter word. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “LOL the Rage” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Chris Doyle each submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 21: our Week 89 contest to compare two people who have the same initials. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Nancy Meyer)
Examples: (Nancy Meyer; Barrett Swink)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
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The Invitational Week 89: Funny, Init?
Compare two people who have the same initials. Plus winning altered quotes given to other people.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 12, 2024


Runner-up entry by Mike Fransella in our 2005 contest.
Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, which is a giant pool with an island in the middle of it, an island of soothing humor and mental tranquility where one can escape the normal worries and anxieties of the day, such as whether immigrants will eat your cat.

Today we introduce a contest that we hereby declare brand new, inasmuch as we are a nation of truncated attention spans, and we haven’t run this contest in nineteen years.

For Invitational Week 89: Link or contrast two people (or animals, whatever), real or fictional, living or dead, who have the same initials, as in the example above and those below, all from our 2005 contest. The results back then included such names of the hour as Jeff Gillooly, Alan Keyes, and Heidi Fleiss; our own hour surely can provide many more letter-twins.

Carrie Bradshaw and Chef Boyardee: Sex and the ziti. (Chris Doyle)
For Thomas Hobbes, it was life that was nasty, brutish, and short. For Tonya Harding, it was Tonya. (Seth Brown)
Susan Sarandon was in "Rocky Horror"; Sylvester Stallone was in several "Rocky" horrors. (Brendan Beary)
Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 21, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 26. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-89.

This week’s winner receives a little bitty pair of earrings that look as if two little bitty corgis are biting you on your earlobes and wiggling their cute little bitty corgi butts. In an amazing coincidence this week, the left and right corgis share the same initials.


At least it’s not humping your leg. This week’s corgi earrings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Quip-Change Artists: The altered quotes of Week 87
In Invitational Week 87 we asked you to slightly change any well-known quote, then attribute it to someone else. Submitted by too many people: “I’ll be Black,” quoting either faker Rachel Dolezal or, according to Trump, Kamala Harris.

Third runner-up:
“I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little Doug, too!” — DJT (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Second runner-up:
“I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking drain!” — a retiring plumber (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up:
“We shall come over.” — Your in-laws (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

And the winner of the Crocs earrings:
“I think; therefore I, um...” — Joe Biden (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

That’s NOT What She Said: Honorable mentions
“Now is the winner of our discontent.” — Virtually half the electorate on Nov. 6. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

“Breaking is hard to do.” — Raygun (Jesse Frankovich)

“It’s a cinch to kill a mockingbird.” — Eric and Don Jr. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“Why can’t a woman be more like a mat?” — Andrew Tate (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

“It is what it isn’t.”—Donald Trump (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

“I can’t get nose satisfaction.” — Michael Jackson (Jesse Frankovich)

“Greed is God.” — Donald Trump (Gary Blankenship, Tallahassee, Fla., a First Offender)

“I did not have sexual relations with that ottoman.” — JD Vance (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll slow your House down.” — Speaker Kevin McCarthy (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“There’s no trying in baseball!” — Chicago White Sox manager Grady Sizemore (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C. — surely this is the first time in Invite history that two family members independently submitted essentially the same entry)

“There’s no spying in baseball?” — Houston Astros (Duncan Stevens; Kevin Dopart)

“Come up and seat me sometime.” — Rosa Parks (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

“Does anybody really know what climate is? Does anybody really care?” — Fox News (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

“Fist, do no harm.” — Gandhi (Tom Witte)

“I am become Death, the destroyer of words.” — Porky Pig (Duncan Stevens)

“Got to get you into my wife.” — Bedroom scene, guy in Viagra ad (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

“Don’t rain on my charade.” — G. Santos (Judy Freed)

“Go fake a hike.” — Mark Sanford (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

“Fortune favors the bald.” — Jeff Bezos (Jesse Frankovich)

“He’s not playing with a full dick.” — Lorena Bobbitt (Jon Gearhart)

“Heaven hells those who help themselves.” — Miss Manners on cutting in at the buffet line (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“Hell is Mother, people.” — Norman Bates (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

“All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my clothes-up.” — Marilyn Monroe on the set of “The Seven Year Itch” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

“Out, damned spit! Out, I say!” — the Hawk Tuah Girl (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

“The cluck stops here.” — Colonel Sanders (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“Yo, Hadrian!” — Marcus Aurelius (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.; Kevin Dopart; Gary Crockett)

“A date that will live in infinity.” — Bill Murray (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

“All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely payers.” — Ticketmaster (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

“I take a village.” — Genghis Khan (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

“I’m wanking here! I’m wanking here!” —Paul Reubens (Duncan Stevens)

“Let my peepee go”: Lauren Boebert’s date (Jon Ketzner)

“Do not go gently into that good night.” — Strunk and White (Roy Ashley)

“I feel the need — the need for steed.” — Catherine the Great (Craig Dykstra; Tom Witte)

“I feel the need — the need for screed.” — Michael Moore (Jeff Contompasis)

“Love means never having to say you’re Siri.” — Alexa (Beverley Sharp)

“The bigger they are, the harder to fail.” — Ben Bernanke (Kevin Dopart)

“There’s no item like the present.” — your wife (Jesse Frankovich)

“The road to hell is paved with good inventions.” — Elon Musk (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

“To thy gown self be true.” — RuPaul (Chris Doyle)

“I’ll wave what she’s waving.” —Samuel Alito (Duncan Stevens)

“When you care enough to send the very beet.” — Dwight Schrute (Roy Ashley)

“Genius is 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent inhalation.” — Willie Nelson (Tom Witte)

And Last: “Gene? He is just 1 percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration." — Pat Myers, happily working fifteen miles away from him (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Quip-Change Artists” is by Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 14: our Week 88 contest to come up with a fad even sillier than decorating the inside of your refrigerator. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Mike Fransella; Chris Doyle, Seth Brown; Brendan Beary)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

Week 88: The Cold New Trend
What would be an even sillier new fad than decorator refrigerator shelves? Plus a hamster named Shaquille O'Wheel, and other great monikers for pets.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Sep 05, 2024

The central tenet of fridgescaping? Even your fridge can be beautiful.
A “fridgescape” by Lynzi Judish.
Hello. We direct your attention today to this recent feature article from CNN.com, reporting what is purported to be a new fad called “fridgescaping,” in which you decorate the inside of your refrigerator with framed portraiture, floral arrangements, porcelain figurines, and so forth. News sites are thirsty for such scented fluff to distract people from the day’s usual politics and ordinary mayhem; one gets the impression that these stories are perhaps not checked all that strenuously to verify they are really, you know, a thing. (The impracticality of this one is adorable: In one of the fridge photos, there appears to be a single, unwrapped, congealing sliced-in-half PB&J on white bread, sandwiched forlornly among crockery, candles, and so forth.)

For Invitational Week 88: What supposed fad would be even stupider than fridgescaping, and might particularly appeal to gullible media outlets on a hunt for froth? The key is happy, lightweight so-called trends you invent. They can be about interior design, food, fashion, or any other fad-worthy behaviors. More examples:

Wigs for your fingers! A different one for each digit!
Wearing a second, nicer pair of shoes around your neck for better visibility and no sole-scuffing.
Brocaded window treatments for your car.
Bathroom chandeliers!
—

Formatting this week: As usual, we ask only that you write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry).

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-88.

This week’s winner receives this pair of grumpy gray socks. Back in Week 79 we offered the cheerier version, but come on, how do you really feel in the morning when you’re putting your socks on?


ANGSTLE SOCKS: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Animal Zingdom: The pet names of Week 86
In Invitational Week 86 we asked for some funny names for pets. We were delighted to discover that few of the entries on our shortlist were widespread online (sorry, cat named Meow Zedong, the dachshunds named Frank and Longfellow, and Fleas Navidad the Chihuahua) — and some were even actual Googlenopes, with no other mention until now.

Third runner-up:
Beagle: Anna Shmear (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
Hamster: Shaquille O’Wheel (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Beaver: Mulva (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

And the winner of the googly-eyes glasses:
Centipede: Imelda (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

At a Farm Upstate: Honorable mentions
Crab: Hans Crustacean Andersen (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Dog: G.R.R. Tolkien (Jesse Frankovich)

Pet rock: Cary Granite (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Donkey: Jóte (David Muhlbaum, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

Baltimore L’Oréal: A bold and confident bird, its iconic colors blazing forth in luxuriant radiance. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, a distinguished gray)

Alaskan Malamute: Elon Mush (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Bard Owl: It struts and frets for an hour, and then is heard no more. (Jonathan Jensen)

Bat: Sonar Sotomayor (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Bear: Ursine Bolt (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Beaver: Dr. Phil McGnaw (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Boa constrictor: Julius Squeezer (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.; Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.; Michael Stein)

Boa constrictor: Nat King Coil (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Boxer mix: Jake LaMutta (Michael Stein)

Sphynx cat: Kamala Hairless (Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich)

I think I’m gonna name my cat Mandu. That’s really, really what I wanna do. — B. Seger (Jon Gearhart)

Chameleon: Hidey Klum (Jesse Frankovich)

Chicken: Yolko Ono (Stephen Dudzik)

Chihuahua: Jack the Yipper (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Chihuahua: José Fleasiano (Jeff Shirley)

Collie: Boutros-Boutros (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Deer: Venison Van Gogh (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Electric Eel: Buzz Eeldrin (Leif Picoult)

Emotional support dog: Calmala (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Hamster: Green Eggs Ann. (Jon Gearhart)

Llama: Mark Spits (Jeff Shirley)

Marcia the Penguin (Jon Gearhart)

Rooster: Westclox (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Sheep: Baa Baa O’Riley (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Snail: U . . .sain . . . Bo . . . lt (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.; Pam Shermeyer)

Snake: Wyatt Herp (Duncan Stevens)

Spider: Andrew Lloyd (Jesse Frankovich)

Persian cat: Le Chat of Iran (Stephen Dudzik)

Antelope: Chamois Sosa (Chris Doyle)

Maddowlark: The natural enemy of the Red-Capped Nutjob. (Jonathan Jensen)

A Xoloitzcuintli dog named Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (Craig Dykstra)

The headline “Animal Zingdom” is by Jesse Frankovich; Duncan Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 7: our Week 87 contest to change a quote slightly and attribute it to someone else. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Duncan Stevens)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 87: Get Thee to a Punnery
Change a quote slightly and credit it to someone else. Plus winning limericks.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Aug 29, 2024


Cher last September at age 77.
“A thing of beauty is a job forever.” — Cher
“It’s like making candy from a baby.” —Jonathan Swift
“I’m the kin of the world!” — Adam
Hello. You get the point, right?

For Invitational Week 87: Slightly change a well-known quote or saying and attribute it to someone else, as in the examples above from the last time we did this contest, an entire decade ago (full results here); they’re by Chris Doyle, Jon Gearhart, and Danielle Nowlin, respectively but not very respectfully.

Formatting this week: It’s just our usual request to write each of your entries in a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry). Boldface, italics, etc., don’t transmit on the entry form, so don’t bother prettying it up.

Deadline is Saturday, Sept. 7, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-87.

This week’s winner receives a pair of Crocs. But they’re an inch long and they hang from your ears. This is really the only size in which Crocs look presentable.


Warning: May clog the ears. This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Hy- Fives: The hu- to hy- limericks of Week 85
In our 21th annual Limerixicon — our contribution to the Grand Quest to create a full English dictionary whose entries are all limericks — we asked you to create lims featuring words beginning with “hu-” through “hy-,” the sliver of the dictionary that OEDILF.com has finally reached. We received hundreds and hundreds of five-liners, many of which were about “humor,” not to mention the ones punning on “humerus.” Most didn’t live up to the words, but we chose a fine one of each below.

Gene is on the record here in The Gene Pool in support of running JD Vance couch jokes, even though the activity in question was entirely made up by some jokester; Gene contends it’s okay because he contends readers know it’s made up and because every late-night comedian — who collectively earn more money monthly than Pat and Gene will make during the remainder of their pathetic lives — thinks it’s great. But Pat, that wet blanket (so to speak), doesn’t agree that the falsity is so clear, and so she pulled the Pat card. But we agreed that this limerick was too well done and funny to ignore, so:

With a number of beers he was plied,
Leading Senator Vance to confide,
“Sure, I’ll take a brunette
If a blonde I can’t get,
But my favorite is still Naugahyde.” (Connie Akers, Radford, Va.)

After-publication update: It occurred to us only just now that the above limerick has no words starting with hu- or hy-! The Empress now remembers that the entry had used the capitalization NaugaHyde, which isn’t right (and wouldn’t have counted anyway), and she blithely went ahead and fixed it without noticing the omission.

Now that we’re announcing the results, feel free to submit your hu-/hy- limericks — inking or not — to OEDILF, the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, to add to its 124,000-strong anthology.

Third runner-up:
As a flasher exposes his junk,
He believes he is truly a hunk.
But when giggling ensues
It induces the blues
And alarm that his prospects have shrunk.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
I am certain I’ve gotten cirrhosis,
And my lungs surely have asbestosis.
But the test results show
That both answers are “no”:
Hypochondria’s my diagnosis.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
At afternoon tea with his boo,
A shy gentleman asked, “Could we do
You-know-what before too long?”
She grinned, poured some oolong,
And answered him, “One hump or two?”
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

And the winner of the matching plushie sperm and egg key chains:
My existence is humdrum? No chance!
I’m content, so best not look askance.
I’ve forgone having brats,
Hunkered down with my cats,
And I’m voting against JD Vance. — Childless Cat Lady
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HU Else: Honorable mentions
Did you witness the pole-vaulting star
Who’s among the most hung that there are?
Social media folks
Told a whole lot of jokes
All because he went into a bar.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

RFK’s hypothalamus may
Hold what’s left of a larva that lay
There for years and would lead
To a visceral need
For the taste of dead-bear-cub pâté.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

They pretend to promote our democracy,
While they're flirting with outright autocracy.
Here's the slogan I see
For today’s GOP:
“Make America safe for hypocrisy.”
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

A husband and wife found a phrase
To ensure that their happiness stays:
“We will not go to bed
If we’re mad,” they both said.
So far, they’ve been up for three days. (Jesse Frankovich)

To ensure the ideal humectation
You can hawk to provide salivation.
When your boyfriend is randy
But you’re feeling just handy,
He'll go wild for that TikTok sensation.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Forgive me a bit while I vent
’Bout the SUV money she spent:
I’d requested a hummer —
My first of the summer —
But that’s not at all what I meant.
(Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)

When your forearm you bang at its base,
Sure it’s rude the doc laughs in your face
While in pain you are shrieking —
But, medically speaking,
He’s right: It’s a humerus case.
(Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

How come, when our fortunes have tumbled,
And hopes, dreams, and cookies have crumbled,
There’s a word we don’t use,
Though it’s just what we choose
Every time we’re on top? (Yes, it’s “humbled.”) (Melissa Balmain)

The hunchback from old Notre Dame
Lost his life to a bell tower bomb.
His death was quite gory:
Go read the whole story
Online at DeadRinger.com. (Craig Dykstra)

When the Great Dane goes out for a stroll,
The passersby find it quite droll,
’Cause he's needing to go,
But the hydrant's too low!
So he looks for a telephone pole.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

It’s a “witch hunt”? Please, give us a break!
How much more of this crap must we take?
It’s a hustle, a smear,
There’s no witchiness here,
Save his preference for “burned-at-the-steak.” (Mark Raffman)

In a clear case of hyperinflation,
Her new cup size was quite the sensation!
With acclaim quite befitting
(Although he was sitting)
He gave her a standing ovation. (Craig Dykstra)

This limerick needs no critiquing!
Just give it the ink that I’m seeking!
It is clearly the best
Entry EVER expressed!
(Well, at least hyperbolically speaking.)
(Jesse Frankovich)

I am colorblind, so it is true
That I cannot distinguish each hue.
This glitch with my eyes
Came as quite a surprise—
It was totally out of the orange. (Jesse Frankovich)

An unworthy trait of humanity
Is how we embolden insanity
And so idolize
A broadcaster of lies —
I’m talking ’bout you, Mister Hannity.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

They tell me that humor's subjective,
But families do share a perspective.
As Dad racks up ink,
I'm starting to think
That maybe a gene is defective.
(52-time Loser Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C., son of 172-time Loser Rob Cohen)

As a limerick writer I suck.
With weak rhyme and meter I’m stuck.
My hubris will show
’Cause my entries all blow
But I’ll still shrug and say, “What the hey, I’m a paying subscriber, I should enter more often,”
(Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)

And Last:
I am neither a person who flirts
With rebellion, nor someone who skirts
The instructions, but I
Cannot stop at hy-
Due to inborn avoidance: it Hz.
(David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

The headline “Hy- Fives” was submitted by both Kevin Dopart and Craig Dykstra; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. The headline “Get Thee to a Punnery,” by Chris Doyle, appeared in the results of our 2014 contest.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 31: our Week 86 contest for creative names for various pets. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart; Danielle Nowlin)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart; Craig Dykstra)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:A:1605: (Connie Akers)
Add:T:1605: (Chris Doyle)
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 86: Call Your Dog
Give us creative names for various pets. Plus winning 'improvements' on sports.
Gene Weingarten and Pat Myers
Aug 22, 2024

Hello. Just the other day, we woke up in the Invitational treehouse at 4 in the morning, and, with a barely coherent thought, decided: A funny name for a dog would be

Honus Wagger
Pleased with ourselves, we wrote it down, and went back to sleep. Soon, in this indistinct state of quasi-consciousness, we woke up again to realize that a funny name for a pet goat would be

Baa-baa-ber-anne
And a parrot named

The Pittsbird Pirate
And, most importantly, that a funny name for an entire breed of dog would be

The Needlenosed Buttsniffer
That’s when it became obvious to us, bleary-eyed in the treehouse, that we had a brand-new, never-before debuted, contest. It occurred because it also occurred to us that “the Needlenose Buttsniffer” was an entry from Erica Magram, in an unrelated contest from 1998. We hereby urge Ms. Magram, whoever and wherever she is, to become a paid subscriber to The Gene Pool, which allows her to enter, because we need her. And you.

Okay, so.

For Invitational Week 86: Suggest a creative name for a pet — and any kind of animal can be a pet — as in the examples above. It can be a name for a specific pet, or a name for a breed. The field is open. You can add elaborating information if it makes your entry funnier.

Formatting this week: Start each of your entries — up to twenty-five in all — with the kind of animal, (e.g., “Dog:,” not “A dog:”) and, as usual, write each entry in a single line; i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of one entry. This will let us push a magic button and sort all the Dog entries together, all the Hedgehog entries, etc.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 31, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Sept. 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-86.

This week’s winner receives the stylish eyewear modeled below by some woman whom Google Photos immediately identified correctly. Well, yeah, it’s Google.


She can read a thousand limericks and her eyes don’t glaze over! This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Jest a Game: Sports ‘improvements’ from Week 84
In Week 84, in the midst of Olympic fever, pennant races, and the like, we asked for ways to make various sports more exciting or just funnier. But even the wackiest Loser ideas are challenged to top one real-life fad, which is this vomitous thing. We would like to remind you all that while this fad takes wings — and withers — people are starving in Yemen.

Third runner-up:
Auto racing: When they take pit stops, drivers should have to haggle with their mechanics over the cost of replacing the tires. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Darts: Add a goalie. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
Cricket: This would be brilliantly smashing if we had everyone biff a googly and duff a squiffy widdershins, what? Good show! Bob’s your uncle! (Duncan Stevens)

And the winner of the Loserville sign:
Men’s pole vault: Now the aim is to knock over the crossbar with your dick. (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

They Wuz Robbed: Honorable mentions
4x100 relay racers have to pass a one-pound beef jerky stick to one another and collectively consume it before the finish line. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Chess: After every move, players switch sides. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Olympic swimming: Whenever swimmers pee in the pool – and they regularly do – the water around them turns the colors of their country’s flag. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

400-meter hurdles: Instead of carefully spaced hurdles, use ones that pop up randomly around the track at the last second. (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Add a dunk booth to the shot put. (Cheryl Davis, Pawleys Island, S.C.)

All boxing must be done pantsless. — J.K. Rowling (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Make the Olympics great again by reverting to the traditional ancient Greek rules: Compete naked, award leaves instead of medals, and sacrifice the losers to Zeus. (Daniel Galef)

Make routines on the pommel horse be done on an actual horse. (Mark Morgan, Bethesda, Md., a First Offender)

America’s Cup: Add grappling hooks and cannons for Sail Like a Pirate Day. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Raise the balance beam several feet and put a trampoline underneath it, so if the gymnasts fall, they can boing right back onto it and pretend that was the plan all along. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Baseball: All runners must literally take a short stop when running from second to third. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Baseball: Before the game, a guest of honor yells at the umpire in a ritual known as the ceremonial first bitch. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Baseball: Just put a football game on the Jumbotron. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Basketball: No more squeaking shoes! Make players wear hospital socks instead. (Pam Shermeyer)

Bobbing for apples: Replace red apples with live blue crabs. (Kevin Dopart)

Soccer players are positioned outside the pitch, using long metal rods to slide and spin life-size replicas of themselves. (Jesse Frankovich)

Chess: Electrodes are hooked to each player’s brain and connected to a theremin, which plays the eerie sounds of their thought patterns. (Marni Penning Coleman)

Combine the discus and shot put into a new Olympic event, the shot putz, in which competitors whirl their unfortunate partners, the “putzes,” by their legs and toss them for distance. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Competitive eating: Use foods even grosser than wet hot dogs, like live giant beetle larvae. (Kevin Dopart)

Competitive eaters must eat one and only one Lay’s potato chip. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Curling: Instead of brooms, players use leaf blowers. (Neal Starkman)

Replace the baseball with a tennis ball, and all the outfielders with golden retrievers. (Sam Mertens)

To maximize time for Super Bowl commercials — which are what millions of viewers mainly tune in for — change the 15-minute quarters to 60 one-minute segments. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Give Olympic breaking whole new meaning by holding the competition in an antique shop. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Make hockey pucks three times as big — those little ones are almost impossible for fans to see. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Horse racing: Races are over too fast. Change the rules to say the second horse across the finish line is the winner. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

NASCAR: To truly test their driving skills, have half of the racers drive clockwise and half counterclockwise. (Pam Shermeyer)

On track relays, the runners have to pass the baton while jumping through a hopscotch grid. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Pickleball: Release a brood of cicadas to drown out the annoying sound of the paddles. (Jesse Frankovich)

Have show jumping contested by humans dressed in those two-person horse costumes. (Jesse Frankovich; Tom Witte, mountain-climbing in California)

Hockey: Put bars and a lock on the penalty box and allow players to attempt to escape before their two minutes are up. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Soccer: Get rid of those invisible stinging spiders on the field, or whatever it is that’s causing players to suddenly writhe in agony for exactly five seconds and then recover. (Duncan Stevens)

Simplify the triathlon by having the competitors run through two feet of water while carrying a bicycle. (Jesse Frankovich; Leif Picoult)

Water polo: Players hit the ball with pool noodles while riding inflatable horses. (Jesse Frankovich)

100-meter dash: The athletes run on top of twenty balance beams laid end to end. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

The headline “Jest a Game” is by Jesse Frankovich; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 24: our Week 85 contest to write limericks featuring words beginning hu- to hy-. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Erica Magram)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Neil Kurland)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!

The Invitational Week 85: Hu-boy, It's Limerixicon XXI
Write a limerick featuring a word beginning 'hu-' or 'hy-.' Plus winning translations of 'Fee-fi-fo-fump' and other sound-phrases.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 15, 2024

Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool.

Today we return to the limerick,
A word that rhymes only with pimaric,
A carbolic acid
That’s chemically flaccid
Uh, limerick, limerick, limerick.

—

Okay, we admit good limericks are a challenge to write. But this next one is a gem, and it fits neatly with today’s hu-, hy- contest:

Beleaguered, a lion denied
His own hunger and tried to provide
For his litter of cubs,
But they withered like scrubs,
So he quit and just swallowed his pride. (Chris Doyle)

—

Behold our yearly tribute to the indefatigable Chris Strolin and his Life’s Work: his project, now in its twenty-first year, to create a Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form, in which every meaning of every word would be represented by a limerick. The Invitational has been following OEDILF.com since its infancy in 2004, dropping by every August to send out a call for top-flight limericks beginning with whatever sliver of the alphabet that Chris and crew are up to. (Current estimated completion date: June 17, 2066; current number of limericks: 124,000-plus from more than 1,100 contributors, many of them Invitational Losers.) Now we’re up to …

Invitational Week 85: Supply a humorous, previously unpublished limerick significantly featuring any word, name, or term beginning with “hu-” through “hy-,” as in the example above from an earlier Invite contest.

While we no longer have to worry about “family newspaper” restriction on risque limericks, we’re still as strict as always about the limerick form: “perfect” rhyme; a strong “hickory-dickory-dock” rhythm within Lines 1, 2, and 5; a “dickory-dock” in Lines 3 and 4; extra unaccented syllables on either side are fine. Say the example above with exaggerated accents, and you’ll get the hickory-thing.

For a lot more detail, you can read the Empress’s primer “Get Your ’Rick Rolling.” Or just absorb the classic ink from past Invites by going to the Losers’ Master Contest List, searching on “limerick,” and clicking on the far-right column.

Formatting this week: As with all our poetry contests, just write your limerick as it ought to look when published. Don’t bother trying to boldface or italicize your hu-/hy- word, though; it won’t transmit in the entry form.

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 29. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-85.

This week’s winner, our top Loserbard, receives this lovely pair of lovers: matching plush sperm and egg key chains, or just doodads with little clips. We trust that if you carry both of them, you’ll put them discreetly in your pocket to give them a little privacy. Courtesy of Dave Prevar, the only person we know to be a sperm and egg donor.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Noise Will Be Noise: The sound-phrases of Week 83
In Invitational Week 83, we presented a list of nonsense sounds and asked you to define them. As alluded to in some of the entries, a few of the sounds come from old songs: “Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum” starts off the Silhouettes’ doo-wop classic “Get a Job”; “Gliddy glub gloopy” begins the hippy-dippy chorus of “Good Morning Starshine” from the musical “Hair.”

Third runner-up:
Bang-whiz: The two steps before shower-leave. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Second runner-up:
Bong bong bong boing: The Jamaican trampoline team warms up. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

First runner-up:
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy: Elon Musk’s next six children. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the “In One Ear” and “Out the Other” earrings:
Bong bong bong boing: Beethoven’s Fifth played on a Jew’s-harp. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) (Note: In his entry, Jeff used the term “Jaw harp.”)

Sonic Doom: Honorable mentions
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy
Nonsense lyric from the 2024 Olympic Opening Anthem that some misheard as “We are mocking Jesus and grooming your children.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Acceptance speech from the winner of the Spackling Paste Eating Challenge. (Frank Osen)

In 1967, “I Am the Walrus” was also released in its original walrus language. (Tom Witte)

Every order confirmation at a drive-thru. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Once the lyricists’ hangovers had worn off, they listened to what they had written and considered changing the title to “Good Morning Moonshine.” (Beverley Sharp; Kevin Dopart)

When Biden gave this answer to a debate practice question, his aides should have been a bit more concerned. (Jeff Contompasis)

Trump swears this is what it said on the teleprompter and that the person responsible is “so fired.” (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)

Abracadada
“And for my final trick, I will magically create a father who changes the same number of diapers as the mother!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Barron’s futile early efforts to make his father disappear. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“And now I will turn this urinal into a work of art, right before your eyes!” (Judy Freed; Gregory Dunn, Alexandria, Va.)

Maury Povich’s interjection just before he reveals “You ARE the father!” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.; Jeff Contompasis)

The Great Magico spells out for his son the potential danger of a one-night stand. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Bada-bing, bada-bingo
What a mobster says when he knocks off five guys in a row. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Closing line to the song that begins, “There was a goombah had a dog...” (Kevin Dopart)

Something you hear a lot of in Italian nursing homes. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Bang-whiz
A sudden explosion that will scare the piss out of you. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

The sound made by a PP gun. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound of a woman slamming down the toilet seat so she can sit down and pee. (Beverley Sharp)

What some call “water sports.” (Tom Witte, hiking in the Sierra Nevadas)

Robert Oppenheimer. (Kevin Dopart)

Bong bong bong boing
Ah, there’s the bellhop! (Jesse Frankovich)

Followed by “Boeing,” the sound you don’t want to hear during your flight. (Rob Cohen)

Fee-fi-fo-fump
Someone’s taking a giant dump. (Jesse Frankovich)

What comes before “I smell the defeat of Donald Trump” at a Harris rally. (Beverley Sharp)

The Giant catches Jack in his vacuum cleaner hose. (Frank Osen)

After Jack falls off the beanstalk and before the giant roars, “I hear the thud of an Englishman.” (Chris Doyle)

Oop-alley
When you catch a basketball under the net and then throw it straight up through the hoop, and then it comes back down through the hoop. It counts for four points. (Roy Ashley, Jesse Frankovich)

Code word for diarrhea, from “yella poo” spelled backwards. (Jesse Frankovich)

Pa rum pum pum rump
Me and my bum, me and my bum, me and my bum… (Jesse Frankovich)

When the neighbors couldn’t take it anymore and smashed his drum, Little Boy resorted to the butt bongos. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jeff Contompasis)

Tock-tick, tock-tick
What happens if you connect a flux capacitor to a grandfather clock. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

The sound made by a retronome. (Jesse Frankovich)

The sound made by one of those knockoff Rolexes they sell at flea markets. (Leif Picoult)

What you hear when you set a clock to “fall back” for winter. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum
For 75 years, the corgis and Charles vied for Queen Elizabeth’s attention. (Kevin Dopart)

What was heard after the Chihuahua encountered the mastiff. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Opening lyric in Trump’s new campaign song, “Get a Black Job.” (Chris Doyle)

The first rule of Little Dog Fight Club is that there is no Little Dog Fight Club. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

What a miserable childless dog lady hears when her “fur baby” says yip-yip-yip-yip, yip-yip-yip-yip. — JD Vance (Karen Lambert)

Boo-hoo hooboy
Minnesota shorthand for “There’s no use cryin’ over spilled milk — get a rag and wipe it up, whydontcha?” (Mark Raffman)

What owlets say to taunt younger owlets. (Jon Ketzner)

The headline “Noise Will Be Noise” was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Seth Christenfeld; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 17: our Week 84 contest to make certain sports more exciting or funnier. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
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The Invitational Week 84: We Got Game
Tell us some funny ways to 'improve' a sport. Plus winning rhymes for Taylor Swift lines.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 08, 2024

The pole that didn’t quite vault.
Hello. Are you tired of sports, yet? Neither are we. How can we be, when right in the middle of a tight pennant race in baseball, and on the cusp of the start of football season … a major Olympics event was won by a penis? No, Frenchman Anthony Ammirati didn’t win the gold in the pole vault — he missed it by roughly, uh, seven inches. But he won The Olympics’ Biggest Moment, which in this quadrennial mega-spectacle is everything. Feats, Don’t Phallus Now! What a great day for The Invitational.

—

For Invitational Week 84, we ask you to humorously “improve” any sport to make it faster, more exciting, or simply somehow … better. As in:

Baseball: Require that batters’ crotches be pre-scratched before they reach the plate. (Ralph Nitkin)

Luge: Lugers slide down the track on their backs as usual, but headfirst, guided only by three rear-mounted dental mirrors. (Stephen Dudzik)

Soccer: Keep adding balls until someone finally scores a goal. (Anne Clark)

The examples above are from a similar Invitational contest 12 years ago (full results here), the last time we tried a contest of this type. So what counts as a “sport?” We’re going to be expansive about this, within reason: Most anything that is a contest involving some physical action. Rock, Paper, Scissors, sure. Tug of War, fine. Chess . . . fine! (the IOC has actually recognized it as a sport). Monopoly — no; no board games. The presidential election, no. The Invitational, no.

Formatting this week: Just our standard entreaty to make each individual entry one single line (e.g., don’t push Enter in the middle of the entry). Almost all of you have been getting this right!

Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 22. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-84.

This week’s winner gets this fine little metal magnetic sign, about the size of a switch plate, that would be especially appropriate if you had us over for brunch, just saying. Donated eons ago by 441-time Loser Nan Reiner.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Custom Tayloring: The Swift ‘tailgaters’ from Week 82
We asked you to take any line from a Taylor Swift song from her latest album, “The Tortured Poets Department,” and add — before it or after it — a funny, rhyming line of your own.

The results were good. We must admit we found that Ms. Swift’s lyrics do not read like poetry. They did not read like the previous models for our tailgater contests: Dylan, the Beatles, and Shakespeare. Instead, they read like this: “As I said in my letters, now that I know better / I will never lose my baby again” and “Messy top-lip kiss, how I long for our trysts.” They are almost all about the soul-shattering anguish of relationships.

In judging this contest, the Czar and Empress had a near fistfight mutually respectful disagreement over one entry that rhymed “plague” with “leg.” She, a Philadelphia native, considered this a perfect rhyme; he, a New York City native, felt this was not a rhyme at all. Eventually, she grudgingly caved in graciously and amicably acquiesced, in the interests of collegiality. We did not use the entry. (Meanwhile, Swift herself rhymes “plague” with “every day.”)

The results: Taylor’s own lines are in orange; click on them to see the full lyrics they came from.

Third runner-up:
I will never lose my baby again —
My number’s on his head in Sharpie pen. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
I can fix him, no really I can —
No need to take Spot to the pricey vet-man. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
The jokes that he told across the bar were revolting and far too loud
Like “Your Mama’s so uncultivated — but she keeps getting plowed.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the toilet paper earrings:
Lights, camera, bitch, smile …
I haven’t taken this cognition test in a while. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Swift Descent: Honorable mentions
And for a fortnight there, we were forever
Trying to understand team handball, or épée, or some other wacky endeavor. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

All the wine moms are still holding out
But the single cat-ladies support me, no doubt! — K. Harris (Mark Raffman)

And I could see it from a mile away
But the Secret Service shrugged, “Looks okay.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And you deserve prison, but you won’t get time
Aren’t you lucky now that a president can’t commit a crime? (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Beauty is a beast that roars
See, I’m married to a guy who snores. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

But I felt a hole like this
Right after moving in for a kiss. — D.J.T., 2016 (Mark Raffman)

But it’s gonna be all right, I did my time,
So straight into Trump’s Cabinet I’ll climb. — S. Bannon, P. Navarro, P. Manafort (Duncan Stevens)

Dear aliens who abducted me to examine my poo,
They’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you. (Jesse Frankovich)

And no, you can’t come to the wedding
Since my bridegroom you’ve been bedding. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Another fortnight lost in America
Scrolling through TikTok’s esoterica. (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

I’m havin’ his baby
Unless Kamala wins and appoints some new Supreme Court Justices, maybe. (Roy Ashley)

Them’s the breaks, they don’t come gently
When you wreck your daddy’s Bentley. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

You could fix (with some new zippers or other closures)
All your indecent exposures. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

I can take the upper hand and touch your body
’Cause when you’re a star, they let you be naughty. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

But you awaken with dread, pounding nails in your head.
I kept telling you, “Fred! Try some plywood instead!” (Duncan Stevens)

If you want to tear my world apart, just say you’ve always wondered:
When God created Chinese cresteds, could it be He blundered? (Pam Shermeyer)

I know he’s crazy but he’s the one I want
I don’t care that he thinks he’s a buttered croissant. (Frank Osen)

Just say,'“I loved you the way that you were”;
There’s really no need to disinter... (Beverley Sharp)

Messy top lip kiss, how I long for our trysts —
I miss how your spit trickled down to my wrists. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

My husband is cheating, I wanna kill him —
Or maybe just hire a lawyer and bill him. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

My husband is cheating, I wanna kill him —
I’ll just ask my lover where to landfill him. (Pam Shermeyer)

My spine split from carrying us up the hill.
Next time, go fetch your own water, Jill! (Jonathan Jensen)

You crashed my party and your rental car
And I hope that it Hertz you wherever you are. (Mark Raffman)

You said some things that I can’t unabsorb
That were cheugy, delulu, and totes unadorb. (Frank Osen)

“There’s a lot of people in town that I bestow upon my fakest smiles”
Is a grammatical construction that would give teachers piles (Frank Osen)

Listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning —
Taylor may be gorgeous, but her lyrics have me groaning. (Rob Cohen)

You’re no Dylan Thomas. I’m no Patti Smith.
Does AI write my poetry? I’ll have to take the Fifth. (Marshall Begel, Madison, Wis.)

The scandal was contained, the bullet had just grazed.
If someone doesn’t use this lyric line, I’ll be amazed. (Jonathan Jensen) [Indeed, we got several couplets that included this line; they were less than sympathetic to the grazee.]

And Last: “Out, out, out, out, out, out!
“What rot!” the Czar and Empress shout. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Custom Tayloring” is by Chris Doyle; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 10: our Week 83 contest to explain what various sound-phrases mean, including “Tock-tick, Tock-tick” and “Fee-fi-fo-fump.” Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Ralph Nitkin; Stephen Dudzik; Anne Clark)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Dave Prevar)
Prize: (Nan Reiner)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!