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Master of the Stats
(To the tune of Master of the House featured in Les Misérables)
Lyrics by Duncan Stevens
(verse)
Was it too much—drove you to drink?
Not up to keeping track of your ink?
That was a task stuck in your gorg?
No biggie, thanks to NRARS.org.
You became a fan of one data man,
This chap who filled the gap, Elden Carnahan!
(chorus)
Master of the stats, archive for the Post,
Tracking every instance of the wit we’ve grossed.
ACCESS to compile, tables done with Perl;
Noodled over details that made most folks hurl.
Losers all arrayed in tables, each with a Granola Smear;
Knew which one’s imporving, who would be the Loser of the Year.
Master of the stats, knew ‘em to a T,
Saver of the columns back to ’93.
Nigh on thirty years, chronicled our deeds—
Titles, uncles, prizes, ears that no one reads.
Blithely ironed out the wrinkles that would drive most people bats;
Did the Invite’s audits! Plaudits to the Master of the Stats!
Master of the stats, keeper of the flame,
Got some ink, he’d promptly rearrange your name.
Tracking the awards, printing up the plaques,
Following the Eras as they wane and wax.
Loserfests need organizing? He’s the one who’d herd the cats;
Wacky-Loser-meldin’, that’s what he’s excelled in,
Elden’s been the Master of the Stats!
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