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50 Ways to be a Loser
(To the tune of Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)
lyrics by Elden Carnahan
Performed at the 2000 Loser Olympics
"The problem is all inside your head," Czar wrote to me.
"The Questions will come if you Just think dyslexically.
Although I can't help you -- Strictly neutral I must be --
There must be 50 ways to be a Loser."
Czar wrote "It's really more my habit to abuse.
Furthermore, I hope this e-mail Won't be shared or wrongly used.
But I'll repeat myself, Since you seem a bit confused
There must be 50 ways to be a Loser; 50 ways to be a Loser."
"Two Moms and a Duck, Chuck, Jokes about 'Nam, Tom,
You don't have to be smart Art, Just gopher the drool.
Get on the ball, Paul, Or steal from the Top Five List
Just try some new bits, Litz, And gopher the drool"
Czar wrote, "It pleases me To be such a royal pain,
And it's clear that it is up to you To score some ink again."
I said, "I do recognize that, But could you please explain
About the 50 ways?"
Czar wrote, "It's Saturday, So just sit tight tonight,
And I believe that in the morning You will see some ink, all right."
But then he screwed me, And in print said "Take a hike!"
But there are 50 ways to be a Loser, 50 ways to be a Loser.
Make fun of the slaves, Dave, Der Fuehrer's Face, Grace.
You don't have to be shrill, Bill, Just gopher the drool.
Kick up a fuss, Russ, You'll never disgust us!
Christopher Reeve, Steve, And gopher the drool...
By now you probably hope the Loser band is done, (no such luck!)
That of the ways to Lose we've told you every one,
We have not mentioned every way under the blistering sun,
You see, there's more than 50 ways to be a Loser.
So now it's time for you to help us with this tune,
And so we'll slowly make our way around the ... room,
When we point at you please tell us how you'd end a Loser's gloom,
Yes, there's more than 50 ways to be a Loser, more than 50 ways to be a Loser
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