(We) give us a break: The Empress flies off for a week, but we have
the compare/contrast results


By Pat Myers
,
Thursday, June 13, 2:14 PM

The Empress is spending a week touring her dominions — really! I’m
visiting San Francisco and will be getting together for dinner with a
half-dozen Bay Area Losers, none of whom yet know one another personally
— and so she’s giving you a week off as well. (If you end up in San
Francisco, too, give me a holler.) And so we’re going to tinker with the
schedule for a few weeks until everything gets back to normal at the end of
July: As we mentioned in last week’s Invite, next week we’ll be running
more of the ScrabbleGrams-inspired neologisms from Week 1021. Then the
results of Weeks 1023 and 1024 will run a week later than advertised: on
June 30 and July 7, respectively (online, June 27 and July 4).

*Still running — deadline Monday night — is the Week 1025 contest, in
which we’re seeking original backronyms: words that you pretend are
acronyms and say what appropriate phrase the word’s letters “stand for.”
Seebit.ly/invite1025 . *

/This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the
alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte. /

*Report from Week 1022, our perennial contest in which we supply a list of random objects and
ask you to tell us how any two of them are alike or different:

Funny but
suggested too often was for the overactive bladder and the house-size
sinkhole: Having the former makes you want the latter. One reason the
Empress loves this contest is that she knows the jokes couldn’t have
been used somewhere before.

*The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial*

The difference between *a 23-year-old Geo Prizm and a vacation in
Pyongyang: * If you find yourself with a 23-year-old Geo Prizm, you
chose the wrong career. If you find yourself on a vacation in Pyongyang,
you chose the wrong Korea./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)/

*2.* *Winner of thegiant whoopee cushion

(one of this week’s categories): *

*The National Zucchini Fair vs. the Rolling Stones: * One is a
celebration of phallic vegetables. The other is a gardening event.
/(Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)/

*3. * *A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. a giant whoopee cushion: * They’re
both old jokes, but the gas goes /into/ the Prizm. /(Dan O’Day,
Alexandria, Va.)/

*4.* *The Rolling Stones vs. a vacation in Pyongyang*: In the latter,
you can’t ever get what you want. /(Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New
Zealand) /

*Slightly im-paired: honorable mentions*

*A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: * The Amish
would consider the churn too modern. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/

*A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: *While both
have about the same horsepower, the butter churn is more of a chick
magnet. /(Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)/

*A solar-powered butter churn and a rash in the shape of Lake Huron: *
Both require lots of cream, and neither one is going to make your
rear-end look attractive. /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)/

*A solar-powered butter churn is not like a vacation in Pyongyang, * but
you had better bring one along if you want butter. /(Ken Gallant,
Conway, Ark.)/

*A vacation in Pyongyang and a solar-powered butter churn* are different
because you can take that vacation in Pyongyang and shove it where the
sun don’t shine. /(Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, Md.)/

*A vacation in Pyongyang vs. the Rolling Stones: *One reeks of the
powerful odor of fermented cabbage, while the other features great
kimchi. /(Stephen Dudzik, on vacation in Vietnam)/

*A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: * The rash
is a reminder of Huron of the Great Lakes; the bladder is a reminder of
Urine of the Great Leaks. /(Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)/

*A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: * One is
going to itch, and the other is itching to go. /(Doug Hamilton, College
Park, Md.)/

*A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* The Ferrari
measures zero to 60 in seconds. /(Art Grinath) /

*A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder:* While both are huge
social embarrassments, the overactive bladder is more likely to start up
each time you sit down. /(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)/

*A 23-year-old Geo Prizm and the Dowager Countess:* Both probably have
leaky undercarriages. /(Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)/

*A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder:* With either one,
you’ll be pulling over at every rest stop. /(Mark Richardson, Washington) /

*A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a house-size sinkhole:* It’s easier to climb
out of a house-size sinkhole. /(John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.) /

*A Ferrari Gran Turismo and a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* Both have the same
top speed — on the Beltway during rush hour: 14 mph. /(Barry Koch,
Catlett, Va.)/

*A Ferrari Gran Turismo* is auto-erotic; a*23-year-old Geo Prizm *is
auto-neurotic. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/

*Michelle’s bangs and the Rolling Stones: *Both are chemically relaxed.
/(Tim Morrison, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) /

*Michelle’s bangs vs. an overactive bladder:* One is the result of two
hours in the salon and the other is the result of two hours in the
saloon. /(Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.)/

*Michelle’s bangs and the National Zucchini Fair: *They’re both great
names for porn flicks. /(Steve Dantzler)/

*Michelle’s bangs and a vacation in Pyongyang:* Each is a distraction
from what’s really important — the arms. /(Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)/

*Grumpy cat vs. an overactive bladder: *From the cat, you expect lots of
/hissing./ /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) /

*A giant whoopee cushion vs. a vacation in Pyongyang:* One is perfectly
suited to fat keisters, the other to cat feasters. /(Mike Gips)/

*A house-size sinkhole and the new “Great Gatsby”:* Both made a giant
sucking sound. /(Sheila Ratcliffe, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)/

*A house-size sinkhole and the Rolling Stones:* Both have swallowed just
about everything. /(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)/

*A house-size sinkhole vs. an overactive bladder:* Both are found all
over Florida. /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /

*The Dowager Countess * learned what a weekend is
; *a giant whoopee cushion*
learned what a weak end is. /(Steve Price, New York)/

*The Dowager Countess vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm:* It’s been a long
time since either one was listed in the Blue Book. /(Frank Osen)/

*The Dowager Countess vs. the Rolling Stones:* The countess gets all the
best lines. Well, so do the Stones, but they snort theirs away.
/(Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.) /

*The new “Great Gatsby” and an overactive bladder:* Both make it nearly
impossible to sit for two hours straight. /(Mike Gips) /

*The new “Great Gatsby” and eggplant parmigiana:* Both are a lot of work
to produce, but the former is cheesier. /(Ellen Ryan)/

T*he new “Great Gatsby”:* It’s set on Long Island Sound. *A giant
whoopee cushion:* Get set for a long violent sound./(Beverley Sharp)/

*The Rolling Stones vs. an overactive bladder:* The first are famed for
“little yellow pills,” the other for little yellow spills. /(Kristen
Rowe, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender) /

*The Rolling Stones vs. cicadas:* Because of climate change, you can’t
be absolutely sure that the cicadas will show up again 17 years from
now. /(Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md., a First Offender) /

*The Rolling Stones vs. a giant whoopee cushion:* One sings “Under My
Thumb,” while the other sings under my bum. /(Diane Wah, Seattle)/

*The Rolling Stones vs. a 23-year old Geo Prizm:* One rocks and rolls,
while the other won’t roll even if you rock it. /(Dave Prevar,
Annapolis, Md.)/

*Cicadas vs. the Rolling Stones: *While both create lots of buzz
wherever they appear, neither will ever have the far-reaching impact of
the beetles. /(Jeffrey Fenster, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)/

*Cicadas vs. eggplant parmigiana: *Nobody I know cooks cicadas with
tomato sauce and cheese. For cryin’ out loud, that’d be like serving
cicadas with red wine instead of white! /(Debbie Wagner, Brookeville, Md.)/

/See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational
(posted late Thursday
afternoon), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along
with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite
among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose
the wrong winner.. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style
Invitational Devotees and chime in there. /

*Next week’s results: Nice Set of Racks,* or *Jumble Fever, *more
honorable mentions from out Week 1021 contest, to make new words from
any of the seven-letter ScrabbleGrams “tile sets” we supplied. The first
set of results is here
.