The Invitational Week 178: Playing the numbers
Change a number in a well-known phrase. Plus winning portmanteau names.
Pat Myers and gene weingarten
May 28, 2026
The essence of the portmanteau “Warhallmark,” one of the inking entries below.
Hello. Today we inaugurate a brand-new contest that (1) involves numbers; (2) makes make a point that will teach us all a thing or (3). But first, the results of the contest we offered two weeks ago.
Merrymandering: Portmanteau names from Week 176
In Invitational Week 176 we asked you to coin a new term that combined a real person’s name with something else. We were inspired by the now-ubiquitous “gerrymander,” which was named for Elbridge Gerry, who as governor of Massachusetts in 1812 authorized a cunningly redrawn state Senate district resembling a salamander. Of course, now the term is no longer about Gerry himself — it doesn’t even use the hard-G pronunciation of his name — but refers to any crafty redistricting for one side’s political gain. We like that universality in a neologism.
The “real person” part of the instruction meant that Loser Ann Martin couldn’t use Bambivalence: “Do I show my 7-year-old a movie in which Mommy gets shot?” Otherwise, Ann would have gotten ink below.
Third runner-up:
Frappacino: Overcaffeinated acting. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)
Second runner-up:
Springsteenage: Describing the years between 50 and 90. (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)
First runner-up:
Putinkerbell: “You’d better clap or you’ll be able to fly — briefly.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the tea infuser that looks like an upside-down dabbling duck:
Xip: Those who blindly follow the leader of China. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Near Mixes: Honorable mentions
Belichicanery: Blatant cheating in sports, such as deflating footballs, spying on other teams’ practices, using rocket-propelled sneakers . . . (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
KinZingers: Bons mots from an acid-tongued never-Trumper, like “He smells like armpits, ketchup, makeup, and a little butt…” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Goldwaterboarding: The torture of watching endless election night coverage when your candidate has lost really, really badly. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Trumpire: One of those referees known for exploding at players and managers, ejecting them for disagreeing with him, etc. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)
Patellall: A book written by a government insider disclosing how much of an absolute jackass the boss was. (Gary Crockett)
Bidenial: Blindness to the obvious senescence of a politician you support. (Mark Raffman)
Warhallmark: Cutting-edge art that’s been turned warm and fuzzy. (Kevin Dopart)
ABBAttoir: The type of bad dance-pop group that makes you want to disembowel yourself. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Ovechkindergarten: Junior-junior hockey school: “Hey, kids, let’s get rid of those two front teeth NOW! They’re just baby teeth, you wimps!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Snyderriere: A huge ass. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Amadeus ex machina: A dramatic device like the three little angels who suddenly pop up to save the day in The Magic Flute. (Jon Gearhart)
Gabbardine: Whole cloth. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)
Picasshole: A would-be art critic who drones on about the Rose Period’s clear superiority to the Blue Period. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)
Kafkamamie: Surreally nonsensical. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Grahamma: An oldster who finds a biblical rationalization for everything. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
Hegsethics: The guiding principles of a strong misleader. (Jesse Frankovich)
Rubiocon: The line you cross from calling Trump “reckless and dangerous” to “I enjoy working for this president.” (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)
Netanyahubris: A quality that didn’t work on Obama or Biden, but did work on Trump. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Dorothy Parker Bros.:
Landlords drain your
Cash apace
When you’ve landed
On Park Place.
Hotels cost you
Quite a bit.
Got no railroads?
You might as well quit.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
The headline “Merrymandering” is by Jeff Contompasis; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
New contest for Week 178: Change a number in a phrase — and do it again
Five-second rule: Food dropped on the floor is safe to eat if you pick it up and eat it within five seconds.
Five-minute rule: Your dog will regurgitate any gross food scrap it just ate.
Five-hour rule: Trump will change his mind about his Iran war deadlines.
1.6 candles: In lumens, the light output of a refrigerator bulb.
16 candles: As in the song, the light output on a debutante’s cake.
1,600,000 candles: The light output at a Phish concert.
For Invitational Week 178: Offer a well-known phrase that contains a number or quantity, then change that number or quantity two or more times and define each altered phrase, as in the examples above. The first is by Stephen Dudzik, a Loser Every Freaking Year But One Since 1993 who suggested this contest. Bonus points, most likely, if the phrases echo one another in some way. The order of the elements is up to you.
Formatting your entries — IMPORTANT! While we’ll publish the series of phrases one on top of another as in the examples above, you need to put both (or all) your phrases for each entry on the same line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re ready to write your next entry). Otherwise they’ll show up on Our Big Judging List with one line here, one line there, and they will not seem funny to us. So do it just like this, in one long line (also by Steve):
The $64,000 question: The essence of the unknown about an issue. The $64,000,000 question: Mike Lindell thinks he’s entitled to how much from Trump’s “Anti-Weaponization Fund”? The $64 question: For a quarter tank of gas?
Deadline is Saturday, June 6, 2026, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 11. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-178a.
Winner gets this ultra-creepy trompe l’oeil T-shirt. It’s in transit right now and it likely won’t trompe your oeil quite as much as in this photo (especially if you’re not a fairly large man), but some similar shirts we’ve gotten from the same place were pretty amazing. (Arm tattoos not included. Get your own.)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Still running — deadline Sunday, May 31, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our biannualish song contest for parodies (or originals) about current events — either just the lyrics or a video performance. Click on “read full story” below for details.
InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Stephen Dudzik)
Examples: (Stephen Dudzik; Stephen Dudzik)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!