The Invitational Week 167: Picture This (really)
We give the caption, you give the picture. And could the State of the Union speech have been any wackier? Why yes, it could have!
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 12, 2026

Hello. Please observe the photograph above. Or, more to the point, the simulation of a photograph, as constructed by ChatGPT at the instruction of Tom the Butcher, a.k.a. Tom Shroder, proprietor of the Substack newsletter “I Chat with Chat (So You Don’t Have To).”

Tom created this illustration to match with a caption we supplied: “My horoscope told me that I should expand my comfort zone.” That’s the new contest. We’ll get to the details below, under this week’s results.

In Nutter Words: The SOTU speaking of Week 165
In Invitational Week 165 we gave you a list of all the words from Trump’s State of the Union speech and invited you — that’s what we do — to use them as a “word bank” to create some new, bogus lines for the SOTU. The results were brilliant — so much so that we’ll run more of them in a few weeks. Entrants were allowed to change capitalization and punctuation.

Third runner-up:
“Before I start speaking, you should probably get out a shovel. The biggest one you can find, even though none would be big enough for what I’m about to tell you. You would honestly have a better chance with a tractor, but at least with a shovel you can imagine what it would be like to hit me over the head with it.” (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

Second runner-up:
“To ensure Republicans remain in power forever, there will now be 16 Dakotas instead of two. Each will have 27 people.” (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

First runner-up:
“Gold is my copilot.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

And the winner of the Trump Head Toilet Brush:
“If you thought this year has been strange, you haven’t seen anything yet. Next, we will be creating marshes in New York, replace the Pledge with two words, ‘ZARUTSKA ZARUTSKA!,’ attack California with a big nuclear-powered purple monster, and send a gigantic tractor into space. We will bring everyone from Cambodia to Iowa to eat eggs, play hockey, and celebrate National Helicopter Day. We will bring Catherine the Great back to life and make her Secretary of the Treasury. Why will we do these things? Because they will make our enemies confused, so they will be off their guard when we do something important. So that is my strategy.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Tirade Deficit: Honorable mentions
“Not many people know this, but my third son is very, very good at playing ‘Call of Duty.’ If he wanted to join the military, I think he could easily be the greatest warrior in world history. So I plan to make an executive order giving him the Congressional Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart, and the brand-new Trump Gold Star, a special award for future heroism by truly extraordinary American soldiers.” (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)

“I’m full of gas tonight! So this is what we will do, okay? Each time I rip one, everybody will down a shot! JD is right behind me. He’ll really hate it! Keep an eye on his face. This will be so funny! Okay! Ready? Here goes…” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

“Everyone is telling me, ‘Sir, you are so special. Never have we seen anything like it. If there were a Special Olympics for Presidents, you would win every medal.’ ” (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

“Four presidents died in office in a natural death caused by illness. Four more were killed. Many others died young even though they took care of their health. But I can get shot, eat only fast food, and live forever. Go figure!” (Judy Freed)

“...want to know a secret?...murdered my first wife...would do it again too...used a hit man who stabbed and shot...set her on fire...didn’t pay him either...then I...wait a second...Holy hell!...is this thing ON?!” (Jonathan Paul)

“There is no I in Congress or Supreme Court but there is one in the United States. It’s me.” (Frank Stanonik, Falls Church, Va., a First Offender)

“Iran is a land of oppression. Women have lost their freedom, girls’ bodies are controlled by the government, and protesters are thrown in prison or killed. Oh wait, that is America now, under me. What-ever…” (Gregory Koch)

“Did you know that space aliens want our women? I’m going to give them that hockey team.” (Jonathan Paul)

“All of you watching at home, here is something you can do to make my talk less agonizing: Have a shot every time I say “terrorist,” “border,” or “illegal.” Oh, and “Biden,” of course. I promise you’ll be out like a light in 15 minutes — kind of like me in the Oval Office.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

“And now, a word from our sponsor: Men, is your love life everything you want it to be? Call 1-800-GET-HARD to find out how to unleash your star power!” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

“Did anybody go and see the Melania movie? I didn’t think so. All the movie houses were totally empty. And ever since, big strong men have come up to me — I see their eyes well up — saying, ‘Sir, that was terrible. Monstrous. We are shattered. How can we get our money back?’ ” (Duncan Stevens)

“Everyone is saying, ‘Sir, you have a beautiful figure, and your behind is not big at all.’ I agree.” (Jonathan Paul)

“When I’m in the bathtub and I think about the wife of Jared Kushner, my heart rate increases and my crooked, purple little member attempts to stand up.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“Why am I going to bomb Iran? Countries and business partners in that part of the world have increased my family’s wealth greatly, and they asked me to, so why not? Keep your friends close and your enemies dead, am I right?” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

“I will now tell you a strategy that has helped me get through tough times. When I’m not being celebrated as the most popular, powerful president ever, I repeat the words ‘99 barrels of beef on the wall’ over and over and over and over until everything makes sense again. You should try it.” (Judy Freed)

“Weren’t my on-again/off-again tariffs wonderful? I just let a few close friends know about them before they would happen so they could time the stock market. Then, I took some of their gains off the top. It was like my birthday every day! I love my job!” (Neil Kurland)

And Last: “You people think you’re so brilliant, playing with my words? If I wanted, I could do this better than all of you. Believe me, it’s not that hard to say something about Your Mother. One guy in particular — I’m looking at you, Eric — took a lot of time when he should have been working, and for what? He’ll be lucky to get an “And Last”! (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

New contest for Week 167: Pictures for our captions
“Picture This” is our perennial headline for Invitational caption contests; several times a year, we post a variety of pictures and ask you to caption them. But this week the headline, for once, makes literal sense: We give you a choice of captions and ask you to supply the picture, in your choice of media, even AI.

When it rains, it pours.
You can’t fix stupid.
What a piece of work is a man!
I took the road less traveled by.
My horoscope told me that I should expand my comfort zone.
My motto is “Be prepared.”
And that was the last anyone saw of Becky.

For Invitational Week 167: Supply a picture to humorously illustrate any of the captions above, as in the example atop this page. You are free to create an image with AI, but your real-life photos and other images are more than welcome. Do NOT simply copy someone else’s picture off the internet; you have to make the picture. And do NOT ask the bot, say, “Can you make me a funny picture representing the adage ‘When it rains, it pours’?” Wow, that would make us unhappy. Plus, not to put too fine a point on it, we have ways of checking.

HOW TO ENTER: On this week’s entry form (you can also type tinyURL.com/inv-form-167) there will be a special area where you upload your images, no more than five at a time (you will need a Google account of some kind; if you don’t have one, see the form and email us at the address provided).
BUT ALSO!! The field for the picture doesn’t also accept your writing. So enter the pertinent captions for your pictures (make it clear which is for which) in the regular text field, the first one, where it says “Your answer here.” We’ll match them up.
AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT … Along with your caption info, tell how you made your image:
— If you used an AI program, credit ChatGPT or Claude or whatever, and feel free to tell us how you phrased your instructions to produce your picture.
— If you composed the picture electronically (e.g., Photoshop, Paint, etc.), tell us about that.
— If you — yesssss— actually posed elements and took a photo, or made a diorama or drew a picture, be sure to tell us about that, along with any clever li’l things you did.

Deadline is Saturday, March 21, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 26. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, but this week, don’t submit more than five pictures on a single form.

This week’s winner gets a girlfriend! And also a boyfriend! You just drop the two-inch-tall Grow A Girlfriend and her counterpart into a presumably tall glass of water and they’ll grow, promises the package, to six times their original size within three days. Mr. and Ms. Friend, alas, have no visible nether regions. Donated “to a lonely Loser” by In No Way Lonely Loser Jonathan Hardis.


The poor man’s blowup dolls? This week’s prize.
The headline “In Nutter Words” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, March 14, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest to tell us the beginning of a sentence you don’t want to hear the rest of. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Jonathan Hardis)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!