The Invitational: Tome Improvement
We invited you to follow some famous first lines of literature with funny second lines. Plus our new contest for whuh-oh moments.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Mar 05, 2026

Hello. We regret to inform you that The Invitational, which has lasted 33 years as of this very week, is …

You don’t want to hear the rest of that sentence, do you?

Relax. That’s just a lead-in to this week’s new contest, which we’ll get to eventually: Give us the start of a sentence that you don’t want to hear the end of.

However, we can also complete the sentence started above. Here it is in its entirety: We regret to inform you that The Invitational, which has lasted 33 years on this very week, will discombobulate you today by turning itself upside down, and staying that way from now on. It’s a new format: We are going to start with the results of the previous contest, and deliver the new one below it. Please remain calm.

In Invitational Week 164, we presented the first lines of eight well-known books, and asked you to continue the story for the rest of the paragraph — totally changing the context of the original, if you liked.

Third runner-up:
A screaming comes across the sky. — Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow
… It’s as if God himself has stepped on some unfathomably giant Lego. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Second runner-up:
I am an invisible man. — Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
… I fell in love with an inaudible woman and we ran off together. No one has seen or heard from us since. (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

First runner-up:
I am an invisible man.
… at least as long as the files stay redacted. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the dish towel featuring the first lines of famous books:
It was the day my grandmother exploded. —Iain M. Banks, The Crow Road
… And the day my daddy was born. He weighed 38 pounds. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Further, She Wrote: Honorable mentions
It was not my fault. If only the group had followed my original itinerary without changing it hither, thither, and yon, this debacle would never have happened. — Amy Tan, Saving Fish From Drowning
… But no, Irving insisted on bringing the Discombobulator. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

… I had told my Titanic co-captains in no uncertain terms to steer around the iceberg. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

A screaming comes across the sky. — Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow
… Someone just remembered they parked in short-term. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

… Well, what else would you expect if Superman unexpectedly had a Sidewinder missile fly right up his ass? (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

… The in-flight movie on Delta Flight 452 is “Melania.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

… I look up and and the source comes into focus: Kimberly Guilfoyle is skydiving. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

… I shudder as I fear an errant missile, or maybe an approaching twister. Then I remember my faulty hearing aid. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

… Just another execution. This new human-cannonball option for death sentences in Florida is barbaric, Twilley knows. But the noise ordinance has made them switch to using huge industrial springs instead of gunpowder. And he has to admit, the alligator pond landing was a nice touch after they kept missing the swimming pool. — from Florida Men by Carl Hiaasen, 2028 (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

… The Meemies have come for them. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

… Who knew leprechauns got so mad when you peed in their pot of gold? (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)

I am an invisible man. —Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man
… But I can see myself. That’s how it is with us invisible folks. Betcha didn’t know that. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

… Free concerts, but dentist appointments are tricky. (Duncan Stevens)

… Seeking an invisible woman. Translucent OK. (Tom Witte)

… And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting on the pot in a public restroom, and some cross-country trucker comes into my stall and … (Jon Ketzner)

… I mean, you can totally see me, but I identify as invisible. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

… I used to be an invisible woman. And because I am invisible, I can use whatever bathroom I choose. So kiss my invisible ass, MAGA! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

… One day I was drunk and taking a piss in the middle of my yard. All of a sudden, my cellphone rang. It was my neighbor calling, and he said: “Hey, turn off your sprinkler. It’s spewing rusty water.” (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Let’s start at the urinal. — David Levithan, Songs for Other People’s Weddings
… Grandpa, did you maybe leave your keys in the Target bathroom? (Rob Cohen)

… And if you do well at that for a week, we’ll let you clean the toilet! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

… “Honestly, President Whitmer, he ordered this installed in the Oval Office the week before your Inauguration.” (Jon Ketzner)

And did you know that Brits pronounce it “u-RYE-nal”?
Let’s start at the urinal,
And finish in the font
I’ll dress myself in vinyl:
Let’s start at the urinal,
The force when we combine’ll
Be all a hose might want!
Let’s start at the urinal,
And finish in the font!
(Julia Griffin, a professor of English in Statesboro, Ga., but also a thoroughly English professor)

It was the day my grandmother exploded. —Iain M. Banks, The Crow Road
… And it was enough to remind me to never again mix Mentos, Diet Coke, and milk of magnesia, no matter how constipated you are. (Randy Lee)

… Thankfully, all of her furniture was covered in plastic. (Jesse Frankovich)

… The funny thing is, well, I take that back — maybe I shouldn’t say it was funny. Anyway, her body was blasted to smithereens in every direction, but her head shot straight up about fifty feet and came straight down. And then out of nowhere a monkey grabbed it and ran off with it. I don’t know if it was somebody’s pet or it escaped from a zoo or what. (Tom Witte)

… Yes, I’ll never forget that day, as that was also the day the Nats rallied from three down in the ninth to win on a walk-off sacrifice fly, increasing their division lead to 3 ½ games and clinching no worse than a wild-card spot. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

… We couldn’t afford fireworks, so this was the next best thing. (Sally Fasman, Washington, D.C., who last got ink in The Invitational in 2009)

… Nothing else could have given better evidence that senility and cooking meth do not mix. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

… We’ll never know if Grandma smelt it, but by God she dealt it. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

At 2:05 p.m. on Thursday, December 13, 2012, I sent an email to Tom Shroder, my friend and editor. It said, in its entirety, “I wonder what happened on May 17th, 1957.” — Gene Weingarten, One Day
“You won one lousy game of horse fifty-five years ago,” he replied. “Get over yourself!” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

… Tom replied, “Thirteen years from now, your computer will take ten seconds to tell you enough about that date to fill a book.” (Gary Crockett)

… Tom replied, “That was the day Iain M. Banks’s grandmother exploded.” (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. —F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
… He said, “Buy the good toilet paper. This is not where character is built.” (Stu Segal)

... He said, “Let the shower head dribble and push the bathtub plug in 75 percent of the way. That way you can keep a goldfish and never have to clean a bowl.” (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

… He said that if mothers marry their brothers-in-law, after their (the mothers, not the brothers-in-law) husbands have been foully murdered, their (the mothers, if you’re still with me) sons should be alert to the possibility that their girlfriends’ brothers, if there were any (brothers, not girlfriends) — though sisters (the girlfriends, not the sons), would generally get a pass here — might be carrying poison-tipped swords in an unsporting manner … (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And Last: … He said, “Don’t waste your brilliance in pursuit of some elusive prize or fleeting moment of glory.” It wasn’t until decades later, as I spent hours writing and rewriting silly paragraphs in pursuit of a decorated dish towel, that his words made sense. (Judy Freed)

This week’s new contest:
The Invitational Week 166: Say No More!
For Invitational Week 166: Start a sentence you wouldn’t want to hear the rest of. Here are some examples from a long-ago contest:

“We are now making our approach to National Airport, and I have locked the cabin door and lit seven candles, as commanded by my dog, Buster, and . . .” (John Verba)

“It looks like when they built your basement, they did a kind of funny thing . . .” (Russell Beland)

“Sir, uh, me and your daughter . . .” (Bill Chang)

“Now, I’m not prejudiced or nuthin’, but I gotta say . . .” (Jennifer Hart)

Formatting your entries: It’s just our regular request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t press Enter till you’re ready for the next entry).

Deadline is Saturday, March 14, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-166.

This week’s winner gets A Passport to Hell, actually a pocket-size lined mini-notebook, “a handy travelogue for your inward journeys,” as it says on the back. (But isn’t a passport from where you’re from?) Donated by Dave Prevar, who hasn’t yet had his copy stamped.

The headline “Tome Improvement” is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, March 7, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest to string some words from the recent State of the Union speech to write something even more ridiculous. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (John Verba; Russell Beland; Bill Chang; Jennifer Hart)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!