The Invitational Week 165: SOTU-Speak
String together some words from Tuesday's speech into a funnier alt-speech. And prepare to act like groan men and women over today's winning name-puns.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 26, 2026




“I am large. I am unfortunate for the country but you must endure me. I always say things like ’zarutska.’ I am the assassin of words.”
—

“We love a fireman — especially one with big, beautiful, hard … wait, where was I? Oh, right. Affordability…”
—


Hello. Welcome to The Invitational Gene Pool, where we proudly ridicule Donald Trump for fun and profit.

For Invitational Week 165: Using only words that Trump used during his 2026 State of the Union disquisition and rant, write a fake passage from an alternative SOTU, as in the example above. For consistency, please use only this Associated Press transcript, beginning with “Speaker Johnson.” Within a single entry, you can’t use a word more often than Trump used it. (Note: You don’t have to subscribe to AP to access this list: There’s a small link to opt out and just get the transcript.)

But have no fear: You don’t have to really read his spew! Once again Gary Crockett has provided you with a list of every word Trump said, along with the number of times it occurs in the speech. The list is at this link right here, along with the ground rules we use for our “word bank contests.” Can you add “s”? Can you change the capitalization? Click on the link. Please do not send us an entry until you look at that short list of rules.

How long should these things be? Depends on how funny and clever they are. You don’t get “wow” points for writing long; in fact, if an entry becomes boring or difficult to read, we’re likely to toss it. To see what we went for last time, see the nifty inking entries from our 2025 Alternaugural Address contest.

Formatting your entries: It’s just our regular request to write each entry as a single line (i.e., don’t press Enter till you’re ready for the next entry).

Deadline is Saturday, March 7, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 12. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-165.

This week’s winner gets a perfectly timed treasure that was donated to us just the other day: a first-term era Donald Trump Toilet Brush — pristine, still in its original cellophane. A version of this had been offered to us years ago as a Style Invitational prize, but even we agreed that The Washington Post shouldn’t be giving that out. Now, of course, we have no such compunction — scrub away with that neon yellow head! Donated by Elinor Brecher.




Still wrapped in a plastic bag — and do NOT think how nice that would be …
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Howler Be Thy Name: The puns of Week 163
In Invitational Week 163 we invited you to write jokes in Q&A form whose punchline involved a pun on someone’s name. There’s a fine line, we acknowledge, between a pun that’s daringly creative and one that’s horribly ridiculous. Fortunately, we know exactly where that line is, and why we provide you with the winners below, while protecting you from such pathetic atrocities as this one, by the otherwise estimable Jesse Frankovich: Q. What was better about the revised version of “The Jungle”? A. It was Upton Sinclairity! (Uh, that was to be read as “up tons in clarity,” as any fool can see.)

Third runner-up:
Q. Which much-feared Russian czar was a eunuch?
A. Ivan the Treble. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
Q. Why did Trump exclude the former Secretary of Transportation from the panel of officials at the Miss Universe contest?
A. He didn’t think Pete would be a good Buttigieg. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up:
Q. Who’s the woman who oversees ICE
Who disdains law enforcement advice,
Who minimally trains
Men with minimal brains
So they kill U.S. citizens twice?
A. Kristi Poem. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Como Tea Llama tea infuser:
Q. What does Kiefer have in common with Greenland?
A. He’ll never be Donald Sutherland. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Name Droppings: Honorable mentions
Q. Why was Tom Jones banned from performing concerts in China?
A. The president took offense when he heard him singing “Xi’s a Lady.” (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

Q. Why did the Gunpowder Plot fellow not care about getting arrested and executed?
A. Guy had no Fawkes left to give. (Duncan Stevens)

Q. What do Cher, Diana Ross, and Barbra Streisand have in common?
A. They were all pre-Madonnas! (Jesse Frankovich)

Q. What do you get when an analyst, a Holocaust victim, and a feminist walk into a Mel Brooks film?
A. Jung, Frank, and Steinem! (Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

Q. Why did Jay-Z get a divorce?
A. Because his marriage was Beyoncé-ving. (Hildy Zampella)

Q. How would the Kremlin announce that Putin’s daughter’s succeeding him?
A. Katerina Tikhonova! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Q. Did that rapper deserve to go to jail?
A. Oh, Diddy! (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Q. What is Russia’s policy on the ultimate authority of its leadership?
A. No dis Putin’. (Judy Freed)

Q. Which music legend used to love playing at the Cotton Club?
A. John Linen. (Hildy Zampella)

Q. When Lincoln’s top general asked if he should include Jefferson Davis on the Registry of Traitors, what did the president reply?
A. “You list his ass, Grant.” (Duncan Stevens)

Q. Who’s that singer with a line of hairs above her navel?
A. That’s Belly Eyelash! (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Q. Who wrote the groundbreaking true-crime novel “In Cold Salsa”?
A. Truman Chipotle. (Gary Crockett)

Q. What did the “Seinfeld” cast say after Frank’s funeral?
A. “We’ve never seen Jerry Stiller.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Q. What item did the joint venture between the band that recorded “Broken Wings” and the star of “The A-Team” give away to promote its new line of chai beverages?
A. The Mister Mister Mr. T Tea T-shirt. (Mark Raffman)

Q. Why didn’t California’s governor go after the people in named in the Epstein files?
A. Because Gavin Newsom. (Mark Raffman)

Q. After the misery of his Olympics, which skater decided to recuperate in Hawaii and get a serious suntan?
A. Ilya Melanin. (Gary Crockett)

Q. Any regrets about playing in the Jamestown poker tournament?
A. Our losses at stud Pocahontas! (Chris Doyle, Warminster, Pa.)

Q. How did the author of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory manage to write an instant classic?
A. He Roald Dahl his best ideas together! (Jesse Frankovich)

Q. Forsooth, my good Shakespeare, how dost thy wife please thee after these many years?
A. Oh, Anne Hathaway. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Q. Which actor is a notorious cheapskate?
A. Jack Nicholson Dimes. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Q. What federal agency pipes in anodyne saxophone music all day long?
A. The Atomic Kenny G Commission. (Chris Doyle)

Q. Who hosted live coverage of the Vidalia Onion Festival?
A. Cryin’ Seacrest. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Q. After doing his own stunts for his first Marvel movie, how did Chris Hemsworth feel?
A. Thor. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Q. Did you know about the fashion designer whose first job, before he changed his name, was cleaning outhouses?
A. Yeah, I saw Ralph Lifshitz out of Port-a-Johns. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And Last: Q. Hey, Gene and Pat: What slang words for breast are okay to use about a queen?
A. Boob, hooter, bazonga — but Nefertiti. (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Howler Be Thy Name” is by Jesse Frankovich; both Jeff Rackow and Tom Witte sent in the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Feb. 28, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to continue a first line of a certain book — we have lots to choose from — with a sentence or paragraph of your own. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jeff Rackow; Tom Witte)
Prize: (Elinor Brecher)
Add:A:1682: (Jesse Frankovich)
VisibleInk!