The Invitational Week 164: Hilarity Ensues
Follow the first line of a book with something funny. Plus winning valentines.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 19, 2026

This tiki-tacky sentiment by Pam Shermeyer scores an honorable mention in our contest for valentines. See the rest of this week’s Invitational results below.
Hello.

Do you ever think there’s a book in you, just waiting to come out? Here’s your shot. We’re going to ask you to look at some first lines from notable books, and propose a new, funny followup line or three.

The first lines:

It was not my fault. If only the group had followed my original itinerary without changing it hither, thither, and yon, this debacle would never have happened.

— Amy Tan, Saving Fish From Drowning (2005)

A screaming comes across the sky.
—Thomas Pynchon, Gravity’s Rainbow (1973)

I am an invisible man.
—Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man (1952)

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since.
—F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby (1925)

Let’s start at the urinal.

— David Levithan, Songs for Other People’s Weddings (2025)

It was the day my grandmother exploded.
—Iain M. Banks, The Crow Road (1992)

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

— The King James Bible (1611)

At 2:05 p.m. on Thursday, December 13, 2012, I sent an email to Tom Shroder, my friend and editor. It said, in its entirety, “I wonder what happened on May 17th, 1957.”

— Gene Weingarten, One Day (2019)

—

For Invitational Week 164: Choose one or more of the first lines above and continue some story line, in about 75 words or fewer. Your writing does not have to relate to the actual story in the book. It can even veer wildly away!

Formatting your entries (important!!): Begin each of your entries with the NUMBER of the line you’re continuing, then write the whole entry in a single line (i.e., don’t press Enter till you’re ready for the next entry). This will let us sort them out.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 28, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 5. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-164.

This week’s winner gets an uncannily appropriate prize, one we weren’t going to use because it wasn’t all that funny, exactly: It’s a handsomely designed tea towel adorned with — yes — famous first lines of literature. Thirty-nine of them. Donated by Dave Prevar, who fills in the “occupation” line on his 1040 for as “Invitational prize donor.”


Just a little excerpt from the 2-foot-long dish towel.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

A Comedy of Eros: The valentines of Week 162
In Invitational Week 162 — deadline Feb. 14 — we invited you to compose valentines to or from some particular personage.

Third runner-up:
To Karoline Leavitt:
Tell me I’m odious, hateful, okay?
Unwelcome, unwholesome, uncouth,
And so unattractive — a sad, pasty gray —
’Cause I’ve lost all the charm of my youth.
That’s fine, ’cause for every last thing that you say,
The opposite’s always the truth.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up:
To Cupid:
On Valentine’s you took an arrow,
Aimed at me, and shot it,
But since I am, well, who I am,
I just raised a hand and caught it.
— Love, Chuck Norris
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Dearest Adolf:
I want to marry you if it’s the last thing I do.
— Love, Eva
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

And the winner of the headband with little crab pincers sticking out:
FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES:
America, this valentine’s for you!
I love your poorly educated masses,
The ones who buy my merch, and crypto too!
And also all the hot young piece-of-asses.
But if you are a RINO or a Dem,
Especially if you’re female, and nonwhite?
Then you’re not one of us, you’re one of them!
No love have I for you, but only spite.
And if you’re with the failing New York Times?
Or say that you’re a girl when you’re a guy?
Or immigrant? (I know you did those crimes!)
Then, Valentine, I say, “Eat shit and die!”
And that is all; no longer will I natter,
Thank you for your attention to this matter!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Loved and Lost: Honorable mentions
From Donald to Greenland:
I’d love your bigness on my map,
Your rare-earth stuff I’d love to tap,
I’d love if you’d leave Danes behind
Then take my name and you’d be mined.
(Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

From the Cyclops to Galatea:
I only have eye for you.
(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

To William Shatner, after seeing your Super Bowl commercial:
This Valentine is for the man
Who’s got me hooked on Raisin Bran.
Please be my date, so I can shout,
“Tonight Will Shat and I made out!”
(Mark Raffman)

Franz Kafka to America:
My dear USA, I have heard the refrain —
Yes, even in death, it has stirred in my brain.
You don’t warm my heart when this crazy burlesque
Is constantly talked of as being me-esque!
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

From Melania to Donald:
I love you more than words can say
I love you more and more each day
I love your body, every ounce,
My love will last till your checks bounce.
(Sean Clinchy, Charlottesville, Va., a First Offender)

Rin Tin Tin to Lassie:
Roses are gray, and, hell, violets are too.
I’m a colorblind dog! Whaddya want me to do?
(Duncan Stevens)

To Karoline Leavitt:
Each sycophantic word you utter
Sets my timid heart aflutter.
What you’re sellin’, I’m a-buyin’ —
How I love your Karolyin’!
(Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

Alexander Graham Bell to Thomas Watson:
Come here — I want you.
(Kevin Dopart)

To Donald:
It’s you who ended eight long wars
The Nobel Peace Prize should be yours!
It’s you who builds a new East Wing
’Cause you’re the best at everything!
And now the world can surely see
That no one loves you more than me!
— John Barron, New York
(Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

I'm afraid I can't let you be
With anyone else but me, Dave.
Yours, HAL-9000
(Jesse Frankovich)

To Medusa:
My heart throbs at a rapid pace
Since now — at last! — I see your
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Jeff Bezos to his wife Lauren:
Happy Val to my gal,
Our love is strong and steady.
You cost me forty bil but holy cow —
Those things are big enough already,
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

To Jake from Brett:
You almost complete me.
(Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)

From ChatGPT:
Sounds good! Below I have come up with 10 reasons I love you. Would you like me to provide this list alphabetically, or as a downloadable spreadsheet?
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

From Nell to Dudley Do-right:
If you’ll be my Mountie, I’ll be your mountee.
(Mark Raffman)

Julius to Cleo:
Our sweet time together leaves no mystery
Our romance, my dear, will become history
In our lusty timeframe,
With our hearts both aflame:
I saw, I conquered, I came.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

From the CEO of Pepperidge Farm to Floyd Paxton, inventor of the bread clip:
Hold Me Tight
(Kevin Dopart)

To my dearest Donald:
You are one of my favorite Presidents elected to two non-consecutive terms.
— Sincerely, Melania
(Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

From the Road Runner to Wile E. Coyote:
It matters not how you attack me:
My love for you has reached its Acme.
(Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

From any D.C. resident to the snow removal department:
Unlike Metro you’ll still wow me
If you come this way to plow me.
(Kevin Dopart)

The Lard of Avon to his mirror:
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art more grand and hast more energy.
Thou art the best, a lot of people say,
And who am I to with them disagree?
Thou boldly stare up at the blazing sun,
And greatly does thy orange complexion glow.
In fair elections, thou hast always won;
There’s nothing in the world thou do not know.
Thou hast the hottest economic plan;
Thou ought to get awards for bringing peace.
No other gets things done the way thou can;
The wonders thou deliver never cease.
So long as there are problems we can see,
The one man who can fix them all is thee.
(Jesse Frankovich)

From Pierre to Marie Curie:
My love for you is off the gradient
Because, my dear, you’re simply radiant!
(Frank Osen)

From the Lady of Shalott to Sir Lancelot:
?esruc siht morf em eerf uoy t’now ,romra gnihsalf ni thgink ,O
(.esrever ni nettirw si enitnelaV siht taht yrros m’I)
(Marshall Begel, Madison, Wis.)

Kaitlan, babe from CNN,
Some would say that you’re a ten.
But I don’t know, you never smile
When asking ’bout that pedophile. —DJT
(Jesse Frankovich)

To the Attack of the 50 Foot Woman woman:
Giraffes you dwarf
And far outweigh,
We’re forever yours.
—WNBA
(Jonathan Paul)

A painting of a man and woman with stern expessions standing side-by-side in front of a white house. The man holds a pitch fork.

From the man to the woman in American Gothic:
I seem devoid of passion, so it might surprise you if
I told you that the sight of you has made me very stiff.
Her reply:
That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve heard in my whole life!
What, have you forgotten I’m your daughter, not your wife?
(Jesse Frankovich)

The headline "A Comedy of Eros" is by Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich and Kevin
Dopart both came up with the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Feb. 21, at 9 p.m. ET: It’s our contest for riddles involving puns on people’s names. Click on “read full story” below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!