The Invitational Week 152: Simile Outrageous
Give us some fresh takes on old 'likes.' Plus what you can write with just 9 letters.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 28, 2025




How would you describe this painting using only the letters ASERTYUJM? See the Invitational honorable mention about the “jutty ear” below.
Hello.

Our new contest has a history. A sinister history. It actually achieved global fame, though not in a way we would have preferred.

Back in 1995, when we were at The Washington Post, The Style Invitational ran a contest to come up with “bad analogies.” Some nitwit or group of nitwits (the official collective noun is a Magatude of nitwits) grabbed our results and managed to disperse them virally by email and perhaps the very beginnings of the internet — The Post’s website had debuted just a few months earlier. The nitwits did not give credit to either the contest or the authors. In fact, they turned it all into a monstrous lie, by labeling it “Really Bad Analogies Written by High School Students.”

The contest results had, in fact, been really good, such as “Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze” (Chuck Smith); and “Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center” (Russell Beland); and “Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever” (Jennifer Hart).

A few more from that contest and a later one:

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the Pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl)

Her mouth was so sensual and delicate you would never use the word
“piehole” to describe it. (Jay Shuck)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t. (Russell Beland)

Anyway, we’re doing it again.

For Invitational Week 152: Write us a sentence containing a funny simile, as in the examples above; references to today’s world are especially welcome. See the rest of the results of three of our earlier contests here.

Entry deadline is Saturday, Dec. 6, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 11. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: It’s just our regular request to write each of your entries as an unbroken line; i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re starting the next entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-152.

This week’s winner receives a nice shirt to wear now that you’re back at the office. (The eyes are just printed on there, trompe-l’oeil-style; they’re not actually bulging.) Tattoos not included.

mens 3d print novelty t shirt casual short sleeve crew neck tee with vibrant design lightweight summer top for outdoor activities sports parties casual attire leisure clothing design mixed color 3


Not recommended for most funerals.
Jest to the Nines: The 9-letter ‘alphabets’ of Week 150
In Invitational Week 150 we asked you to write something using only nine letters of the alphabet — and the letters you chose all had to connect on the keyboard if you traced a line with your finger. This was a tough puzzle — we had far fewer entries than usual — but the overall level was excellent. To be perfectly Frankovich with you, some entrants really rose to the occasion.

Third runner-up:
ASERTGBNM: A babe enters a bar, states: “Grab me...” As an eager barman nears babe’s great breasts, babe stresses: “...a BEER!” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
KOIUYTRES: See our sorry turkey — it’s soy.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
ASDFGHJKL: A lad has gas? Haha! A lass has gas? Gah! Sad. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

And the winner of the froggy-looking light-blocking eye mask:
ASERTYHUI:
Orwellian Rhapsody:
Is this the truth here? Is this a heresy?
This is the status: That there rat issues trashery.
Hey, use yer eyes—hurry, try it, see—
He is a shyster; this is his artistry.
Yes, he’s easy harsh; he’s irate;
He sure has the sheerest hate.
Thus say his resisters:
The USA he shatters... Sir T. (Jesse Frankovich)

The Back Nines: Honorable mentions
ASERTYHNM: Ya Mama’s nasty ass has near the same mass as Manhattan has! (Jesse Frankovich)

POIUYTRDS: U.S. pouts: Is D.T. our POTUS or our POS? (Leif Picoult)

ASDCVGHNM: Hmmm, a madman can amass cash, shag and smash ass, and sass Canada? Damn.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ASDWERTHY: T shattered WH. Tawdry — sheer asshattery. A waste. Arrest? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

ASDCFVBNM: Bandanna man can scan Savanna’s can, and Savanna can scan Bandanna man’s banana. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

ASDERTGBH: D.T. has bragged he’s a “grabber” — he’d bag that ass. He begets garbage. He’s a gasbag. He gets a D. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

SDRFGHJMK: RFK Jr., HHS mgr.? SMH! (Jesse Frankovich — and note that there’s not a single vowel)

ERTFDSXVB: Sex—best dessert ever! (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

ASDWERTGH: Ewww, geese wee-weed where we eat! (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

ASERTHYDG: A red-hatted harasser, hates gays & drag, rye-trashed: That’s Hegseth.(Jonathan Jensen)

ASERTYUJM: A jutty ear, a stray eye, a mystery teat—my symmetry’s just a mess! (Jesse Frankovich)

CXSERTYUI: Excess tissue? Exercise excites! Success secret? Sex is exercise! (Jesse Frankovich)

ERTSDFGHC: “Effete! He-dresses!” Hegseth screeches. Sheesh. Three sheets detected? (Duncan Stevens)

UIOHJKBNM:
Bobo: Hi, Jim-Bob! I’m boinkin’ Bobbi-Jo!
Jim-Bob: No jokin’? Kin I join in?
Bobo: OK! …
…Jim-Bob: Hi, Bobo! I’m boinkin’ Mom!
Bobo: Kin I join in?
Jim-Bob: Um, no. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

ASDCERTYH: These are scarce: tasty ashtrays, rehydrated carcasses, redacted sassy-screeds, reattached castrated-dad-sacs. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

OIUYTRFDS: You try roo-roo, or you fry? Fry? Fry it is! First, roo-roo. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) [See this link for the Definitive Telling of the Roo-Roo Joke.]

SDERTYUIO:
Roses’re red,
Sores’re red too.
Sorry I issued
Your STD to you. (Jesse Frankovich)

UIJNMKOLP: Opinion on onion lollipop — OK? No! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

WASERTGHY: Hegseth starts a great war. See ya, earth! (Rob Cohen)

WASXDERTY: We saw Daddy’s wee-wee area was waxed. Eww! (Chris Doyle)

The headline “Jest to the Nines” was submitted separately by Jeff Rackow, Chris Doyle, and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse and Chris each came up with the honorable-mentions subhead. Thanks to Gary Crockett for writing a program to verify that all the entries had only the permitted letters.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Nov. 29, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to write a humorous poem about another poem. Click below for the details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Chuck Smith; Russell Beland; Jennifer Hart; Jeffrey Carl; Jay
Shuck; Russell Beland)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Rackow; Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1670: (Gary Crockett)
VisibleInk!