The Invitational Week 150: The Nine of Hars
Write something funny using only 9 adjacent letters on the keyboard. Plus UNIPEAT and other winning new words.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 13, 2025



Hello.

About a year and a half ago, we offered a contest that we knew would intrigue some of our more Loserly contestants: It was to write something using only a certain section of the keyboard, either a row or one of certain clusters we had specified. The results of Week 75 were, as we knew they’d be, ingenious, like this one by Jesse Frankovich, using the “home row” of ASDFGHJKL:
All shall gag as Dad, alas
Has alfalfa salad gas.

Afterward, Jesse got back to us with a suggestion: How about doing it again with any nine contiguous letters on the keyboard? Good idea — and easier to explain.

For Invitational Week 150: Write us something — a phrase, a sentence, more than one sentence — using only letters from any nine adjacent letters on a standard computer or cellphone keyboard. In other words, any nine letters you can connect by tracing a line without picking up your finger.

The EZ rules:
● You don’t have to use all nine letters in your entry — funny is more important than complete — but you can’t use any other letters.

● You may, however, add punctuation marks or numerals, regardless of where they are on the keyboard.

● You may repeat letters as often as you like.

● Don’t stretch across the spaces between the rows to make your line; e.g., T doesn’t connect directly to H.

● YOU must MUST MUST begin your entry with the nine letters you choose. Like this:
WSXEDCRFV: Sex ed exed? We’re screwed! (last year’s winner, by Beverley Sharp)
The order of the letters doesn’t matter. Not to be nasty about it, but if you don’t give us the letter group, we’re going to throw out your entry; we’re not inspecting our bagel-crumb-infested keyboards over and over to figure out which letter cluster you used.

● There’s no length limit, but long entries have to be especially entertaining and readable. Note the Week 75 results results for guidance, and also to be sure you don’t end up using the same phrase someone did last year.

Entry deadline is Saturday, Nov. 22, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Friday, Nov. 28. (Happy Thanksgiving!) As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Formatting this week: As we made a fuss about above, begin each entry by listing the nine letters that make your cluster. Otherwise, it’s just our usual request to write each entry as one single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re ready for your next entry).

Click here for this week’s entry form or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-150.

(Note: If you are reading this in an email, please click on the headline at the top of the page to get an updated version of The Gene Pool online, with any amendments, emendations, etc. made after the email was sent.)

This week’s winner receives this luxuriously soft but totally light-blocking — not to mention totally creepywacky — eye mask. Is the guy in the aisle seat giving you the eye? Put this on and frog/mantis/ET-stare at him without even having to look.


The Empress only pretends to deign to look at you: This week’s prize.
Rack-It Science: The ScrabbleGrams neologisms of Week 148
In Invitational Week 148, our annualish Tile Invitational contest, we presented thirty-some seven-letter sets from the hoary ScrabbleGrams syndicated word game, and asked you to discover some six- or seven-letter terms within them.

Third runner-up:
ADGILUY > DIY GAL: An inflatable doll. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
AEINPTU > UNIPEAT: To win a championship for the first time in a row. “This could be the year for the Detroit Lions to unipeat.”
(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

First runner-up:
AOYMNNT > NOT MANY: What Trump means when he says, “Many people are saying….” (Chris Doyle)

And the winner of the turkey-leg socks:
CIOOPRT: POC TRIO: The “casually candid” Black guy, Asian guy, and Latina gal who seem to show up on every organization’s recruitment brochure.
(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

InfanTiles: Honorable mentions
AEINPTU > NUPTIAE: Minute wedding details. “Honey, should the cocktail napkins be pale blush rose or light dusty rose?” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AEINPTU > UNIPET: Your neighbor’s little ball of fur that might be a dog, or a cat, or a chinchilla … (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

AEINPTU > PÉTAIN U.: A college in France that offers a degree in neo-Nazi collaboration. (Chris Doyle)

AEINPTU > PUTINEA: New name for Ukraine floated by the Kremlin in recent peace talks. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

CIOOPRT > COP TRIO: When the good-cop/bad-cop routine doesn’t work, they bring in the ugly one. (Jesse Frankovich)

CIOOPRT > iPROCTO: Home digital (haha) prostate exam tool for use with Macintush and other App-hole devices. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

CEEIORT > RICETOE: Vegan Butterfinger. (Julia Griffin, Statesboro, Ga.)

EEFGLLU > F.U. GLEE: The endorphin rush you get after telling someone off. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

EEFGLLU > FLU GLEE: Big Pharma’s response to an outbreak. (Jonathan Jensen)

EEFGLLU > ELF GLUE: What holds a Keebler Vienna Cream sandwich cookie together. (Don’t ask.) (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

EEILPRU: RUE PILE: The area of the brain that stores all of the things you wish you hadn’t said. (Lee Graham, Columbia, S.C.)

EEILPRU > PIE RULE: Traditionally, “You slice, I choose.” Nowadays, however, it’s “Kiss my ass and maybe you can have some crumbs.” (Mark Raffman)

EEILPRU > RU PEEL: A good name for a drag stripper. (Tom Witte)

EEILPRU > UPLEER: What pervs do at the bottom of escalators. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

ELORTVY > TRY LOVE: Last-place finisher in the 2025 CPAC Slogan Contest (Mark Raffman)

FILSTTU > LUST FIT: Tailor’s terminology for generous space in the trouser crotch. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

FILSTTU > F.U. LIST: The ones Santa really has it in for. “Coal? Puh-LEEZE. Try liver.” (Sarah Walsh)

IOORSTU > OUT-SIR: Win the Cabinet toady-fest meeting. (Kevin Dopart)

IOUCNBB > BUBI-CON: Gathering for grandmas where they can attend sessions like “Sugary Treats You’d Never Have Given to Your Kids” and “Rules You Once Enforced with a Fist of Iron That You Can Now Totally Disregard.” (Sarah Walsh)

AAELNRS > ANAL ER: Where people who try to light their farts end up. (Jesse Frankovich)

AADGNPR > GRADNAP: The week of sleep that follows five all-nighters cramming for finals. (Jon Gearhart)

AADGNPR > NAD RAG: Frayed underwear. “Time to toss that nad rag, honey — it’s starting to look like a G-string.” (Duncan Stevens)

AAEFFLL > EFF-LALA: Any Barry White song. (Tom Witte)

AAEGPRW > PAWG ERA: The age of the curvy Caucasian cutie. “Kim Kardashian ushered in the PAWG era.” (Jeff Contompasis)

AAOTWWY > AWAY-TOW: Your car is gone to one of those neverland lots outside the city limits, and outside the limits of public transportation for you to fetch it. (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

AOTWWY > WOTAWAY: In Boston, another word for river. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

AAOTWWY > YO WAWA: What Yo Mama considers fine dining. (Eric Nelkin)

ABEJNOS > NOSE JAB: Not a recommended means of getting a vaccine. (Duncan Stevens)

ABEJNOS > NAB JOSÉ: Stephen Miller’s primary directive to ICE. (Jonathan Jensen; Chris Doyle)

ACDDEIN > DID ACNE: Was a teenager. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

ACDDEIN > ID-DANCE: To move to music in an extremely suggestive way. “Uh-oh, Pat’s had one too many and she’s out there id-dancing.” (Tom Witte)

ACDDEIN > NAD DICE: Unprotected sex. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

ACEILMX > ICELAX: When the threat of deportation scares the shit out of you. (Jesse Frankovich)

AHLMSTZ > SHALTZ: Rap slang for the Ten Commandments. (Kevin Dopart)

AOYMNNT > ONANYM: Porn site user name. (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Rack-It Science” is by Kevin Dopart; Neil Kurland wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Nov. 15, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to finish the question “If they can put a man on the moon, why can’t they …” Click below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Jesse Frankovich)
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Neil Kurland)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!