The Invitational Week 147: Prep-itaphs
What to put on the tombstones of still-living people. Plus, songs for the season of the witch,
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 23, 2025


Jonathan Jensen and his creation in The Invitational’s winning parody this week. See lots of Halloween-themed lyrics and more videos below.
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Hello. Today’s entire Invitational actually has a coherent theme! Behold … The Macabre.

The new contest invites you to write an epitaph — a line short enough to fit on a tombstone — for someone who still lives, but won’t forever … so why wait? Let’s get a jump on this.

We did this contest once before — 1994, which seems like, you know, it was in another lifetime, which in some cases it was. Here were some results.

Kevin Costner: Dancing with worms. (Stephen Buchanan)

Andy Rooney: Have you ever noticed how stuffy it is when you’re six feet under? You’d think coffins would have a ventilation system or something. And another annoying thing about being dead . . . (Andrew C. Spitzler)

Henny Youngman: No, I said take my wife … (Paul A. Alter)

Al Gore: Hmm. Better check. Anybody got a mirror? (Mary Olson)

So: For Invitational Week 147: Write an epitaph — a line for a tombstone — for someone, any real person, who’s still alive. See the full results from our 1994 contest here.) There’s not a specific limit on characters or words, but especially this week brevity = wit.

Formatting this week: It’s just our usual request to write each entry as one single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re ready for your next entry).

Entry deadline is Saturday, Nov. 1, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Nov. 6. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-147.

(Note: If you are reading this in an email, please click on the headline at the top of the page to get an updated version of The Gene Pool online, with any amendments, emendations, etc. made after the email was sent. And with the elaborate real-time Qs and A’s at the bottom)

This week’s winner receives a pair of shot glasses in the shape of portable toilets. Never has single-malt Scotch looked so exquisitely delectable as in such a vessel. Donated by Kathleen Sheeran.


Songs Sung Boo: Halloween parodies from Week 145
In Invitational Week 145 we asked for song lyrics somehow related to Halloween. Our Loserbards delivered hundreds of parodies, topped by these tricky treats. If you aren’t familiar with the melody of the original song, click on the link in the title to hear it.

Third runner-up:
To “Baby I Love Your Way”
Halloween night moonbeams fill the sky,
Spirits moan, and witches fly,
From my crypt I travel to your side,
Bare my fangs, and open wide.
So don’t hesitate,
’Cause your blood tastes great!

Ooh, baby, I love Type A (gotta say)
Touch of spice and a nice bouquet (that’s the way),
What a feast for a holiday …

Halloween romance in vampire style,
You’ll be rocking my special smile,
Undead for all time, it’s just the start,
(Please don’t drive a stake through my heart.)
And don’t make me wait,
‘Cause your blood’s first rate!

Ooh, baby, I love Type A (gotta say),
Here together we’re gonna stay (wanna play?)
Well, at least til the break of day, yaaayay.
(Mark Raffman ,Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up:
To “Be Our Guest”:
Be a ghost! Be a ghost!I don’t care if you’re outgrossed
By the other kids whose parents vie to see who spends the most!
Grab a sheet, any sheet —
Cut two holes and it’s complete!
If it makes you apprehensive,
Keep in mind, it’s inexpensive.

In your guise, you’ll say “boo”
But they won’t know that it’s you
It’s a costume tried and true from coast to coast.
Just throw a sheet on, that’s the plan —
It worked well for the Klan —
So be a ghost, be a ghost, be a ghost.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

First runner-up:
To “My Favorite Things”
Here’s Donald Trump with a spray-tan fantastic!
Here’s Kristi Noem with a face made of plastic!
RFK wrapped in the hide of a bear,
These are some costumes that I’d like to wear.

Here’s Russell Vought with an ax — the grim reaper!
Here’s JD Vance — could his outfit look cheaper?
Karoline Leavitt — big cross and blonde hair,
These are some costumes that I’d like to wear.

This is Pam Bondi, mouth foaming with spittle,
Here’s Marco Rubio — don’t call him “little,”
Here’s Stephen Cheung with a head like a pear,
These are some costumes that I’d like to wear.

Still I know if
I’m not careful,
I’ll get fired from work;
There’s simply one costume I’ve got to avoid,
I can’t go as Char-…. mffff uggh dammit, hon, you’re not even gonna let me say it?
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the creepy eyeball earrings: (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore) See the video of “If I Only Had a Brain,” at the top of this column. (lyrics written and performed by Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore, with Bob Friedman as the Monster and Tom Chalkley as the assistant)

Wraith to the Bottom: Honorable mentions

^^“I Need a Crown,” to “Send In the Clowns,” lyrics and performance by Judy Freed, Philadelphia
(Judy Freed, Philadelphia)

Another one to “If I Only Had a Brain”
I could prep a lovely platter of succulent gray matter,
Some spicy and some plain.
Oh, the dishes I’d be makin’ for the pleasure of partakin’
If I only had a brain.

I’d invite my friends and tell ’em to try the cerebellum;
I “live” to entertain.
Just imagine all the munchin’ at my lavish zombie luncheon
If I only had a brain.

Oh, I would grill or fry delicious lobes galore
I could nibble parts I never noshed before —
And for dessert, I’d have some more.

You can keep your meat and dairy; I crave pituitary—
It’s better than champagne.
I could sit and slowly savor that amazing neural flavor
If I only had a brain.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

To “You Gotta Get a Gimmick” from “Gypsy”:
You can slip right into some
Costume really gruesome,
Sharpen your fangs for street cred,
But you’ll need an incantation if you wanna raise the dead.

Paint your skin greenish,
Make yourself obscene-ish,
With brains oozing outta your head,
But you’ll need an incantation if you’re gonna raise the dead.

Eye of newt, eye of newt, eye of newt, newt, newt...
Then throw it in the tub.
Mandrake root, mandrake root, mandrake root-toot-toot...
Now summon Beelzebub!

You can get all fancy
With your necromancy
Using hocus-pocus instead,
But you’ll need that incantation when you want to raise the dead.
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

To “I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow
When I go out to trick-or-treat,
I want candy, sugar-sweet.
Chocolate and caramel’s what I crave,
But that’s not what my neighbor gave.
I got raisins, I got raisins :-(

Then I tried the house next door,
But I got pennies, nothing more.

Believe it or not, it still got worse—
A toothbrush and a Bible verse.
I wanted candy — and I got stiffed.

A protein shake in my pumpkin pail,
Some veggie sticks that look kinda stale.
One lady smiled and gave me floss —
Said candy would only lead to dental loss
I want candy! But I got seaweed!
(Jesse Frankovich; Stu Segal)
(Combining verses by Jesse Frankovich and Stu Segal)

To “Superstition,” lyrics written and performed by Dave Scheiber, St. Petersburg, Fla.:


To “Thriller”:
It’s close to midnight,
And something sends a shiver down your back,
Under a street light,
You see the monster waiting to attack.
Your knees go weak,
His beady eyes and grimace leave you shaking,
He starts to speak,
And brimming with invective you despise,
Out come the lies…

He’s Stephen Miller! Filled with spite!
He wants to rock your world,
And doesn’t plan to be polite,
Yes Stephen Miller! Shrill and white!
He’s here on Halloween to make you iller — iller — tonight!
(Mark Raffman)

Ballad of the Haunted Hayride
(To “Sleigh Ride”)
Just hear those specters howw-ling, loosen-boweling too;
We both have all we’ve wanted on a hayride that’s haunted with you.
Enclosed by costumed devilry spiced with revelry through,
We travel on undaunted on a hayride that’s haunted with you.

Hear a snap, hear a snap, hear a snap: look out! A scare and we shout;
That’s really what October’s all about.
Hold your crap, hold your crap, hold your crap: each scream
resounds like a dream.
Watch everyone jump at a bump while releasing their urine stream!

The ghouls and goblins scupper as straw goes up our wazoo;
We both have all we’ve wanted on a hayride that’s haunted with you.
Those other guests are shrieking, gone somewhere seeking to poo;
We travel on undaunted on a hayride that’s haunted with you.
(Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

^^“I Enjoy Being a Ghoul,” to “I Enjoy Being a Girl” lyrics and performance by Judy Freed
(Judy Freed)

The Doctor’s “Patients”
To “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You”
You’re not a corpse I’ll renew —
Let’s take the eyes off of you!
You have more organs I’ll use;
I wanna pick some and choose.
As it’s not you who’ll revive
When I say “God, it’s alive!”
You’re just now turning to goo
I’ll take your pancreas, too. — Dr. Victor von F., Ingolstadt, Germany
(Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

To “Should I Stay or Should I Go” by the Clash
It’s an Army Halloween,
To go in costume would be keen,
Tonight we’re gonna get in trouble,
Because we’ll make our genders double,
From a girl you’ll be a bro,
GI Jane to GI Joe!

Okay, let’s make the swap complete,
And piss off Secretary Pete!
I know my outfit is so fetching
That it will surely leave him retching,
For one night, I’ve changed my lane,
GI Joe to GI Jane!
(Mark Raffman)

The Ballad of Linus Van Pelt
To “The Mary Ellen Carter”
I come here each October in a hope that you’ll appear,
And deem this pumpkin patch in all the land the most sincere.
The mockery of other kids I stoically endure —
You are real! Well, of that fact I’m fairly sure.

And yet there comes the morning on each cold November first,
My dreams are dashed, illusions shattered — faith in you is burst,
So I hope this year instead of “Rats!” that I can say “Amen,”
And watch the long-unseen Great Pumpkin rise again.

Rise again, rise again,
This disciple’s been waiting a year, maybe ten,
In this patch, in hopes that this Halloween is when
He’ll see the legend’ry Great Pumpkin rise again.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The headline “Songs Sung Boo” was submitted by both Stu Segal and Chris Doyle; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Nov. 1, at 9 p.m. ET: Our caption contest for photos and the occasional painting. Click below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Stephen Buchanan; Andrew C. Spitzler; Paul A. Alter; Mary Olson)
Judging: ()
Title: (Stu Segal; Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: (Kathleen Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!