The Invitational Week 145: Another Graveyard Smash?
We need some more Halloween songs — here's your chance. Plus winning Ig Nobel ideas.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 09, 2025

Monster Mash Bobby Boris Pickett White Label Garpax 45rpm Monsters Mash Party - Picture 1 of 2
Why are there so few Halloween songs? Ask Spotify for a Halloween playlist and you get tracks of hooting and whoo-whooing, plus a song that’s titled “Zombie” but is actually an anguished look back at the Troubles in Northern Ireland; and, you know, you also get the above. There are disappointments everywhere: The great Roky Erickson had a song titled “I Walked with a Zombie,” but it turns out to be about being stoned on Haldol in a psycho ward.

Loserdom to the rescue! For Invitational Week 145: Write song lyrics somehow related to Halloween, set to a well-known tune you can link to online, or — if you make a video — your own tune. What’s “related to Halloween”? You might have to be creative on that count. Remember that these lyrics need to be entertaining when read, so unless you’re going to send us an elaborately produced video, it’s best to have a fairly short song with a lot of clever writing, great rhymes, etc., rather than a line-for-line parody of someone’s record. (Take a gander of our last set of parodies for an idea of what we like.)

Formatting this week: Just type your lyrics in the form you’d like them to appear. Important: If you’ve also made a video, make that very clear to us on the entry form, and include a public link (e.g., YouTube) to it along with your lyrics.

It takes us time to listen to and sing along with hundreds of entries, but we’ll give you an extra day: Deadline is Sunday, Oct. 19, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Unlike most weeks, if you send them earlier, we’ll try to look at them earlier. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 23.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-145a.

(Note: If you are reading this in an email, please click on the headline at the top of the page to get an updated version of The Gene Pool online, with any amendments, emendations, etc. made after the email was sent. And with the elaborate real-time Qs and A’s at the bottom)

This week’s winner receives — just in time for Halloween — some eyes for your ears. The eyelids bat up and down, like those in the 1960s Chatty Cathy dolls. (They were pretty creepy themselves.)

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Mirth Science: Ig Nobel ideas from Week 143
In Invitational Week 143 we asked for ideas for scientific studies that would be worthy of one of the Ig Nobel Prizes, which are awarded yearly to eccentric research studies that are oddly intriguing. We required entries to be from the six fields of the real Nobel Prizes — peace; literature; physics; physiology or medicine; chemistry; or economics — but promised that we would be “generous” in interpreting those fields. We definitely kept our promise on that count.

Third runner-up:
Question for study: Could methane from a dairy cow’s own burps and flatulence be used to power the cow’s milking machine? (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
Question for study: Vegans often buy and consume “meat” made of vegetables, so why don’t carnivores have veggies made of meat?
Methodology: I made a steak made of beets and a beet made of steak, and tried each one.
Results: Both were gross. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

First runner-up:
Thesis: The use of AI tools such as ChatGPT is leading to a deterioration in critical-thinking skills.
Methodology: Ask ChatGPT if this is true. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Who Gives a Crap? toilet paper:
Question for study: How can modern infrastructure be modified to allow passage when the uncorrupted bodies of true believers begin to simultaneously rise to Heaven at the Rapture?
Methodology: We will use helium-filled sex dolls to test exiting through building skylights, vehicle sunroofs, and tunnel escape hatches. The submarine problem may prove unsolvable, while the White House, Capitol, and Supreme Court will need no adaptations. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Science … Fair: Honorable mentions
Question for study: Will allowing the mega-corporate takeover of all major media outlets lead to the dumbing down of a nation’s population?
Results: Study halted, grant withdrawn. (Sally Booher, Sarasota, Fla.)

A comparison of the relative effectiveness of thinking about various sports during sex to delay male orgasm.
Results: Positive outcomes were achieved from golf, ice hockey, and curling; the least effective sport for this purpose proved to be women’s beach volleyball. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Thesis: Global warming actually provides a net benefit.
Methodology: Measure the annual increase in net worth of oil, gas, and coal CEOs. (Research funded by ExxonMobil.) (Michael Stein)

Sir Barksalot vs. Max: The Influence of Ridiculous Names on Canine Behavior. Results: In observations conducted at six suburban dog parks, dogs with grandiose, absurd, or cutesy names showed 23 percent less obedience, possibly resulting from the owner’s embarrassment in using such names in public. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

Does haste make waste?
Results: After much research and experimentation, it turns out that “haste” can make “waste”, but only by substituting a “w”—not a “b,” “p,” or “t”—for the “h” and preserving the order of the letters. If one arranges the letters after the substitution, “haste” can make “sweat.” (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Does wearing little tiny derby hats prevent dogs from transmitting rabies?
Methodology: Rabid dogs were examined after having bitten people and infected them.
Results: Zero percent of those dogs were wearing little tiny derby hats.
Conclusion: The hats prevent rabies. (Don Weingarten, San Leandro, Calif., a First Offender)

Thesis: Love, we will demonstrate, is merely astigmatic, though at risk of glaucoma in the immediate future. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

The Effect of External Influence on Sensitivity to Coolness:
Methodology: One hundred fifty subscribers to Pitchfork were played a brief sample of music and told alternately that it was by a mainstream pop group on a major label or an underground indie band no one’s heard of, then asked to rate the music… (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)

We seek to determine the exact speed of a Ferris wheel’s acceleration when a rider will be hurled into the air. We will compensate daredevils, stunt persons, parachutists, and/or life-sentence prisoner volunteers. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Sanity-Preserving Strategies for Maximizing Uniformity in the Folding of a Fitted Sheet.
Results: None to report. (Jesse Frankovich)

Can pole dancers generate potentially useful static electricity?
Methodology: We will measure the electric potential between breasts in real-time using voltage meter pasties. (Commissioned by order of the White House.) (Kevin Dopart)

Question for study: Once one has obtained the requisite cognitive and procedural memories necessary to ride a bicycle, can these ever be forgotten? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Chaos vs. Conformity: A Study of Dishwasher Loading Styles and Their Impact on Domestic Harmony.
Hypothesis: Dishwasher loading styles vary significantly because of differences in spatial reasoning, cleanliness standards, and subconscious territorial behavior, leading to interpersonal tension and inefficiency.
Results: Systematic loaders had 22 percent better cleaning outcomes. Couples with mismatched styles reported 17 percent greater dishwasher-related tension. Forty-one percent of participants admitted to secretly reloading after someone else. (Stu Segal)

The Peace Ig Nobel: To the Trump administration for keeping the United States safe from Venezuelan sardine boats. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Can drug prices be reduced by 1,500 percent?
Methodology: Find pharmaceutical companies or health plans that pay patients 1,400% of the price to take their medications. (Chris Doyle)

Is a penny saved still a penny earned, or is it a financial mistake?
Methodology: Assuming a U.S. median hourly wage of $28.16, a penny is worth 1.3 seconds of one’s time. Using pennies, a sidewalk, binoculars, and a laser-activated stopwatch, determine whether the median penny-saver requires more or less than 1.3 seconds to observe a penny, pick it up, and put it into a pocket or purse. However, it must be remembered that 50 percent of U.S. workers earn more than the median, and so the richer workers must pick up the penny at a higher velocity. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Results: Our research team concluded that it would be impossible to get an accurate answer, as most doctors stopped making house calls back in the 1950s. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The headline “Mirth Science” is by Chris Doyle; Both Tom Witte and Jesse Frankovich submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. The Halloween song contest was suggested by Valerie Holt.

Still running — deadline Saturday, Oct. 11, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest to choose a word, move the first letter to the end, and redefine it. Click on the link below for details.

InvisibleInk!
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VisibleInk!