The Invitational Week 131: Ha-ku, Yo Mama Edition
Write us a trash-talking haiku. And speaking of trash and talking, winning lines from Trumpian Gettysburg Addresses.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Jul 03, 2025

150 Best Funny grumpy cat memes ideas | funny grumpy cat memes, grumpy cat, cat memes
Hello. Just a couple of weeks ago, The Gene Pool was all about Gene’s knee-jerk disrespect for the poetic form of haiku. So, naturally, we had to come back with a haiku contest. The example above is all over the Web, and appears to be an accidental haiku, which is kind of cool.

The contest is based on an unconventional book of one hundred “Yo Mama” jokes by Invitational fan Jared Stern and John Irons, titled:

Seventeen Hundred Esoteric Syllables About Yo Mama
Here are two examples from the book:

Yo mama so big,
you can track the tides based on
her daily commute.

And:

Yo mama so mean,
she told your friends beehives were
“nature’s piñatas.”

But for this week’s contest, we’ll expand the parameters to all kind of Yos.

For Invitational Week 131: Write a haiku that’s an original Yo Mama joke — or one about Yo Papa, Yo Kid, Yo Dog, Yo President, Yo Ego, or whatever yo like — but it does have to be in the trash-talking YM genre.

For our purposes, a haiku is a poem with three lines: Line 1 has five syllables; Line 2, seven; Line 3, five. Rhyming is optional; meter is nice. Here are the results of a similar contest we did in 2020, though it was not limited to putdowns. Words have the number of syllables they’re given in any standard dictionary; Merriam-Webster, for example, says aren’t or fire can be one syllable or two.

SPECIAL FORMATTING NOTE! While we will of course be publishing the haiku as three-line poems, please type each individual haiku as one long line divided by slashes at the line breaks. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Like this runner-up from 2020 (remember 2020?) by Duncan Stevens:
Yo Mama’s so loud/ When she snores that I can’t hear/ Kimberly Guilfoyle.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-131.

Deadline is Saturday, July 12, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 17.

The winner receives TWO DIFFERENT PAIRS of these funny-face mini-socks — that way you can mix or match the expressions with which your or your loved one’s tootsies face (foot?) the world. They’re for small feet; they were quite snug on the Empress’s size 7 imperial extremities in the photo below. Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


A Very Abe L. Genius: Lines from a Trumpian Gettysburg Address
In honor of this July 4 weekend, Invitational Week 129 asked you to “rewrite some portion of the Gettysburg Address as it would have been written and delivered by Donald Trump.” People who entered this contest approached it in a variety of ways: Lincoln in 1863, sounding Trumpish; Trump in 1863; Trump having some similar occasion in current times; and more.

Third runner-up:
“I could stand in the middle of this battlefield, pour the gunpowder, insert the wadding, ram the lead ball, prime the lock, cock the hammer, and shoot somebody and it would be altogether fitting and proper, okay?”
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
“Hey, Mathew Brady, I see you there! Does my hair look all right?”
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

First runner-up:
“Four score — a number like no one’s seen before — not even Sloppy George McClellan or Useless S. Grant, Liddle Frederick Douglass, Horace Greedy, Harriet Tubman — NASTY WOMAN! —I call her Tubby . . .”
(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the Trump build-a-phrase flip book plus the pocket wisdom of Ben Franklin:
“What we basically have here are two armies that have been fighting so long and so hard that they don’t know what the fuck they are doing.”
(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Prattle of Gettysburg: Honorable mentions
“We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those suckers and losers who here gave their lives that that nation might live.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“There were good people on both sides here, so we honor them all and not only the ones who bravely fought to defend their property.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“ . . . and that government of the people, buy the people, and let me tell you, I have bought many, many people—beautiful people who are so loyal to me, you wouldn’t believe it . . .” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

“It’s amazing, incredible. This cemetery contains the largest number of dead people ever at a Presidential speech. And don’t believe what lying, cheating Kamala says — none of them are leaving early.” (Jon Cannon, Potomac, Md.)

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, so great, just beautiful, tremendous, unbelievable, like nobody’s ever seen before.” (Duncan Stevens)

“You know why we won that battle? It’s because we had this general named Hooker — can you believe that’s somebody’s actual name? — and he was a total loser. So I said to him, ‘You’re fired!’ and I put a new guy named Meade in there. Great guy, Meade, incredible guy, right out of Central Casting.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

“And after the battle, General Meaty comes up to me, big man, strong man, and with a tear in his eye says to me, “We couldn’t have won the battle without you, sir.” (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

“That this nation, under God, we love you, God, and we love the Bible you wrote, especially the Trump Bible, which is for sale at the tables in the back. No Confederate money, please.” (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

“… Our fathers gave us this new nation, conceived in Greatness — not like those shitholes they left back in Europe. (Jesse Frankovich)

“The lying Democrat media might little note what we say here, but many people are already saying this is the greatest Presidential address ever given — even greater than the great Andrew Jackson’s. And you know, folks, this is true, many people don’t know this, but he shot a man and still got elected. I said I could do it, but the great Andrew Jackson actually did it. I think I could do it, though. Do you think I could do it? (Crowd cheers.) I could do it.” (Mark Houser, Pittsburgh, a First Offender)

“Hello, Gettysburg! How ya feelin’ tonight?! Oh, you can do better than that. I said, How ya feelin’ tonight, Gettysburg?” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“Here we are on this great big beautiful Pennsylvania battlefield, much like the one where an assassin’s bullet ripped through my ear. And as so many people say to me, I was saved by God to make America great again—which is more than Lincoln can say.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“… dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. White men, that is. And not women. How many women do you think could be NFL offensive linemen? None! Well, maybe a few who showed up at Kamala’s sad rallies. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

“I know propositions. I am dedicated to the best propositions.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate — we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground — because it’s raining today. I don’t do rain.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

“Although we have come to dedicate a portion of this field to those who gave their lives that the nation might live, let me just say that you had some very fine people on both sides. General Lee, for example, gets treated so unfairly. Maybe we should put up a statue of him here too?” (Jesse Frankovich)

“The soldiers were so brave, so brave. But when you think about it, with no women around, no gonorrhea or syphilis to contend with. And let me tell you, avoiding those is a battle too. My personal Gettysburg, if you will.” (Mark Raffman)

“. . . our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, and nobody knew it could be so complicated.” (Jesse Frankovich)

“The world will note and long remember what we say here, but the LYING MEDIA won’t report the size of this crowd, FIVE MILLION PEOPLE . . .” (Duncan Stevens)

“Many will find it hard to believe that I wrote this speech while riding here on the back of an envelope.” (Jeff Contompasis)

“The world may not long remember this, but YOU can cherish it FOREVER with the OFFICIAL TRUMP-HEAD PENNY, made from American copper, stamped “1863”! Only $3 each. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“They asked me to speak at this cemetery and I said, why? It’s dead people, they can’t even vote. Except in Chicago. But we’re gonna do something about that, believe me.” (Mark Raffman)

“We cannot hollow this ground because we would just end up in China if we shoveled such a big hole.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

“We have come to dedicate a portion of this field for the right-of-way for the beautiful Trump Telegraph Service. If you highly resolve to subscribe today, you will get a T1 solid gold telegraph key. Now when I say ‘I’d tap that,’ I literally mean it.” (Kevin Dopart)

“. . . as a final resting place for those... you know, you wouldn’t have to move any headstones or monuments to make this a golf course. They could be hazards. Can you imagine how hard it would be to chip out of a beautiful row of marble headstones?” (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

“We highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, even though I like soldiers who don’t get killed, okay?” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

The headline “A Very Abe L. Genius” is by Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Saturday, July 5, at 9 p.m. ET: Our annualish contest in which you tell us how any two items on the random list we supplied are similar are different. Click below for details.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Chris Doyle)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!