The Invitational Week 124: You Have to Wonder
What if ... we do this contest again?
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
May 15, 2025

what-if-analysis
Hello. Just curious:

What if there were an alternate universe where your cat did not follow
you to the bathroom?
You’d just sit there and talk to yourself, I guess. (Robyn Carlson)

What if instead of the Stanley Cup it was a Stanley Jockstrap?
It would be easier to hold above your head, but players probably
wouldn’t drink out of it so much. (Jeff Shirley)

What if “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” had instead been “Breakfast at IHOP”?*
The lead character would be named Holly Goheavily — and would not be
played by Audrey Hepburn. (Dave Prevar)

For Invitational Week 124: Give us a “what-if?” scenario. The weirder the better, as in the examples above from a previous contest. (See other previous results here, here, and here.)

Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each of your entries as a separate single line; i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-124. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, May 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 29.

The winner gets a a stick of O-Balm-A lip balm, whose packaging touts: “Still on everyone’s lips.” “Apply Liberally.” “Promotes Healing.” Whoever created this product ought to enter some of our wordplay contests. Donated (still sealed) by Dave Prevar.

NEW Barack Obama O-BALM-A Lip Balm Mint The Unemployed Philosophers Guild NIP - Picture 1 of 1

Stable Geniuses: The grandfoals of Week 122
Four weeks ago, in Invitational Week 120, we once again listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races, and asked you to “breed” any two and name a “foal” playing on both parents’ names. (This year’s winner: Olive Green x Citizen Bull = Oyl of Olé.) Which was followed by the annual spinoff contest: In Invitational Week 122 you then “bred” those pun-filled foal names. The best of the more than 1,200 “grandfoals” appear below — and given such parent names as Beef Strokin’ Off and Brokeback Mountie, it’s not surprising that there’s many a horse of an off color.

Third runner-up: Can’t Ketch Me x Captain, Obviously = No Ship, Sherlock (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up: Raptcha x Glazed Unconfused = End of Daze (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

First runner-up: The 1/4th Estate x Deus Sex Machina = Quarter Pounder (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the chicken socks:
Stop Laugh-In x Carbon Dating = Oldie Hawn (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Heir Cuts: Honorable Mentions:
Alfred E. Newsman x From Don to Musk = Mad MAGA Scene (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Alfred E. Newsman x Kid Napped = AlfredE.Snoozeman (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Alfred E. Newsman x Make It Hard = Walter Concrete (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Baptismal Font x Glazed Unconfused = Dunkin’ (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Tim Watts, Athens, Ala.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fire in the Hole = Come as You Char (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Captain, Obviously = Come Now, Sir (Lee Graham)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Fish and Cheops = WankLikeAnEgyptian (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maitre A-Plus = Bone Appétit! (Chris Doyle)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Maothful = Filetio (Tim Watts)

Beef Strokin’ Off x The Dark Lard = HandJabba the Hutt (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Beef Strokin’ Off x Yux = Ejacularity (Jeff Contompasis)

Beignet & the Jet x Point of Ordure = Elton’s John (Laurie Brink)

Billboard Baggins x Oregasm = TolkienOfAffection (Lee Graham)

Brokeback Mountie x Oregasm = O! O! O! Canada! (Tim Watts; Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.; Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)

Capital Hill x Maothful = Moola Rouge (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Carb Daddy x Smoker’s Coif = Tortes & the Hair (Judy Freed)

Carb Daddy x The Full Mountie = Starch Naked (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Carbon Dating x Lust Man Standing = Homo Erectus (Jeff Contompasis)

Code Duello x Cut the Crap = Dueling Baños (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Code Duello x London Fridge = Aaron Brrr (Mia Wyatt; Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Cougar-rand x Illegit Mate = Mountain Lyin’ (Karen Lambert)

Cruller Than Death x Fire in the Hole = Krispy Kremation (Chris Doyle; Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Manifest Density = The Plop Thickens (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Cut the Crap x Maothful = Dung Xiaoping (Mark Raffman)

Delugional x Baptismal Font = Sham Dunk (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Fire in the Hole x Baptismal Font = Hellvetica (Steve Price, New York)

Fish and Cheops x Usual Gang of Ids = Bunch of Old Gizas (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Pyramid Scheme (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Bernard Brink)

Fish and Cheops x Illegit Mate = Basstard (Steve Price; Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Fish and Cheops x Water We Gonna Do? = Pharaoh Faucet (Mia Wyatt)

From Don to Musk x Point of Ordure = The Turd Reich (Chris Doyle)

Point of Ordure x Maothful = SqueezeTheChairman (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Gangsta Wrap x Beef Strokin’ Off = Lewdacris (Steve Price)

Gangsta Wrap x Kid Napped = Jay-Zzz (Tim Watts)

Great Deportations x Cruller Than Death = ICE-y Dead People (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

HO x Carb Daddy = Idaho (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

HO x OreckOfTheHesperus = A Whore’s a Vacuum (Jeff Hazle)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Sag Harbor (Jeff Rackow; Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

If I Only HadABra x YachtaYachtaYachta = Stacked Deck (Beverley Sharp)

Illegit Mate x Messy = Partner in Grime (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Kid Napped x Cut the Crap = SleepsWithTheEnema (Beverley Sharp)

Kid Napped x Robbin’ Williams = Ransom of RedThief (Steve Smith; Pamela Love)

London Fridge x Oregasm = TheIcemaker Cometh (Gary Crockett)

Lord & Tailored x Capital Hill = Servile Row (Mark Raffman)

Lord & Tailored x Stop Laugh-In = Hemming & Hawn (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Maitre A-Plus x You’re Delugional = Après Moi … (Jonathan Paul)

Make It Hard x Carbon Dating = Thrust but Verify (Jeff Contompasis)

Make It Hard x Maothful = Wow Zedong (Frank Osen; Pam Sweeney)

Make It Hard x Water We Gonna Do? = Viagra Falls (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.; Steve Price)

Messi Beaucoup x Gilty = Gooooooooooooold (Duncan Stevens)

Mike Dyson x OreckOfTheHesperus = Nature Abhors Me (Jesse Frankovich)

Mummy of Invention x Deus Sex Machina = Mama Sutra (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Mummy of Invention x Stop Laugh-In = Neferteehee (Chris Doyle)

Mummy of Invention x You’re Delugional = Queen of Denial (Jon Gearhart)

Mummy of Invention x Beef Strokin’ Off = King Tutancummin (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Of Course Me Worry x Not My Type = B Negative (Jonathan Jensen; Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

P.U. Kid x Fish and Cheops = Tootin’ Common (Mark Raffman)

New Serif in Town x Carb Daddy = Glutenberg (Pam Shermeyer)

No.1 With a Bullet x Fire in the Hole = UTI (Gary Crockett)

No.1 With a Bullet x Maitre A-Plus = No.1 With a Buffet (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

No.1 With a Bullet x No-Brainer = Dumdum (Pam Shermeyer)

No. 1 With a Bullet x Point of Ordure = No. 2 (Bernard Brink)

Oil Aboard! x Carb Daddy = Hazardous Waist (Pam Shermeyer)

Oil Aboard! x Of Course Me Worry = Ahoy Vey (Eric Nelkin)

Point of Ordure x Capital Hill = Scheisster (Roy Ashley)

Robbin’ Williams x No-Brainer = Mrs. Surefire (Tim Watts)

Socket to Me x Illegit Mate = Current Affair (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

The Liceman Cometh x EyeQ = Parasight (Tim Watts)

Throbbin’ Williams x Make It Hard = Porkin’ Mindy (Leif Picoult)

Titztastic x Yux = Bust Out Laughing (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Stable Geniuses” is by Jeff Contompasis; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline Sunday, May 18, at 9 p.m. ET: Our contest for new meanings for existing initialisms and acronyms. Click on the link below for the details.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Robyn Carlson; Jeff Shirley; Dave Prevar)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!