The Invitational Week 111: Ask Backwards
Once again, we give the answers, you give the questions. Plus the words of that inaugural address, rearranged for better use.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Feb 13, 2025


Q. What did JFK say to DJT? (See today’s new contest.)
Hello! Today marks the 44th Running of the Invitational JeoparDerby, in which we challenge you to supply “Jeopardy!”-style questions to our “Jeopardy!”-style answers. We would like to first pause for a moment to deliver a well-deserved attaboy to our former professional colleague Drew Goins, a hotshot hottie writer/editor for the WaPo’s Opinions section who recently made it through the first round of Jeopardy’s Tournament of Champions. And we would like now to officially offer Mr. Goins, 30, the opportunity to burnish his already splendid career by quitting The Post and taking a prestigious unpaid position on the staff of The Gene Pool.

Drew Goins - Newsletter Writer - The Washington Post | LinkedIn
Drew Goins, official Jeopardy! hottie.
THE ANSWERS:
Coming soon to the Trump Kennedy Center!
Only women.
Only men.
It's kind of like farting in an elevator.
The official cocktail of the new administration.
The Philadelphia Beagles.
The Philadelphia Legals.
Dame Agatha Christ.
Vladimir Putin's toenails.
Marjorie Taylor Greenland.
Two bedrooms, eight baths.
No more than an inch or two.
It's not you, it's the muskrat.
The Giggle search engine.
About 29.
Chop Suey Generis.
For Invitational Week 111: Above is a list of “answers” for this week’s Ask Backwards contest; you provide the questions, in the “Jeopardy!”-ish form of A-followed-by-Q. Like our previous winner, by Jesse Frankovich:

A. A children’s book by RFK Jr.
Q. What is “Eat the Bunny”?

SUPER-IMPORTANT formatting note! While we’ll publish the results in two lines as above, we need you to help us sort the entries into categories, which Ms. Computer does by looking at the first character in each line. So: Write each one of your entries in a single line, beginning with the answer you’re using, as worded in the list, and don’t start the line with “A:” for “answer.” Do it like this one by Jeff Hazle, second place last time:

Grip it by the seams. Q. What did Frankenstein’s monster tell his Bride on their honeymoon?
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 22, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 27. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. You may use as many or few categories as you like.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/inv-form-111.

This week’s winner gets this disarming coffee mug, donated by Queen of the Invitational Devotees Alex Blackwood. Actual found humerus not included.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Garbage In …: The alt-inaugural addresses of Week 109
In Invitational Week 109 we asked you to choose some words from Trump’s 2025 inaugural address — we even provided a list so you didn’t have to read the odious transcript — and write something funnier. Of course, it was hard to outdo the actual tirade for outrageousness, but as always, you came through, even though one regular entrant told us he was “just not feeling funny this week,” what with this pogrom on federal agencies (he still wound up with lots of ink), and another who declined to enter out of fear of retribution if he publicly mocked the Dear Leader’s utterances.

You were allowed to use a particular word or number in an entry only as many times as Trump used it in the speech — eleven times for “very”; just one for “honest”; none, weirdly, for “when.” Thanks as always to Magical Contest Validator Gary Crockett, who ensured that today’s inking entries were all up to code (sorry, person who used “when”).

Third runner-up:
“A short time from now, I am going to be changing the name of New Mexico to New America. After that, I will sign an executive order to have the face of our greatest president — me! — put on Mount McKinley, where it belongs. Few people know this, but I’ve heard a lot of Americans are starting to call me Trump the Magnificent.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
I get up on the scales and I see it says 250-something. It’s so unfair that I have an immense southern border for sitting. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
“It is public knowledge that my johnson is not as massive as that of President Biden. But I am pleased to say I have boldly put it in the bush of many women of natural female gender, for which I had to pay much money. By the way, my mental age is four.” (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)

And the winner of the “Best Dad Ever” candle with Trump’s face on it:
A democracy of, by and for the people? No-no. It’s awe the people, own the people, use the people, soil the people, forget the people. But still get them to send you money! It’s great to be president, baby! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Today’s Gene Pool Gene Poll:

POLL
Which of the four entries above is your favorite?
3rd RU: New Mexico/New America
22%
2nd RU: Immense southern border
7%
1st RU: My johnson ...
26%
The winner: Awe the people
45%
246 VOTES · POLL CLOSED
As always, if you think the best among today’s inking entries were unjustly buried in the honorable mentions, shout out your favorites in the comments.

Leave a comment

Off on a Tan Gent : Honorable mentions
“I promise to be in office just four more years, one administration. But by executive order, each January will now have 250 weeks.” (Kevin Dopart.)

“My Cabinet is proudly made of criminals — cowboys and vicious women. I promise you that they will be untamed, unpredictable, and most of all, unconstitutional. With every act, they will repel you but build my wealth into tremendous billions! I am the supreme terrorist-businessman! (But my wealthiest money marshal is close.) (Pam Shermeyer)

[To “Be Our Guest”]
My success, my success
Will be seen from east to west.
I am strong and I am rich
And people say I am the best.
In this land of the free,
So admired I will be.
I will act to close our borders—
Don’t believe me? See my orders!
I will work now and then,
Make this nation great again—
My effectiveness is simply manifest!
And so begins my mission,
Full of proud ambition—my success!
God will bless my success!
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

“Other than me, there is no one more admired and respected in this country than President McKinley, the king of tariffs. Perhaps I will even have the honor to end my presidency the way he ended his.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

“Corrupt leadership? Dangerous cabinet? Unconstitutional agenda? Annihilated liberties? Intimidated federal workers? Citizens as enemies? It’s so wonderful to see your greatest dream come true.” (Kevin Dopart)

“A johnson in the hand is not exactly the same as one in the bush.” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

“Aliens at our southern border have suffered tremendously and should be given sanctuary, respected, and treated with compassion. Their children should be seen as full citizens, and no one should persecute — no, forget that. My speech system was not working right. I mean we will do the reverse of all that.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

“I am the unifying unifier of unity. My presidency will be the most presidential of any president. America’s exceptionalism will be more exceptional, its sovereignty will be more sovereign, its strength will be stronger, and everything will be tremendously tremendous. I have the best words.” (Jonathan Jensen)

“In 2025, we are going from 1798 genders to two.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“I will cause you to be so inspired by my extraordinary, exceptional, powerful, glorious, great, wonderful, thrilling, tremendously plentiful ambition, you’ll soil your under-things. That will be my greatest legacy.” (Judy Freed)

“Why let women have the right to vote? Their ancestors didn’t. They will support a liberation agenda like love, compassion, dreams and faith. Just make a healthy baby and be proud of that. Let men rule this country — it is the will of God (and me).” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

“As your president, I will do anything I want, any time I want to. Didn’t you think about that before the election?” (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

“Clinton, over there, felt he had to be President to get laid. Not me. I am in it for the money. I want to be shown the money.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

“I promise on Day One not to make slavery the law of the land, to thank those few Black Americans who support me. Come Day Two? We’ll see.” (Jon Ketzner)

“I will do things that make you say, ‘I don’t think everything is working right up there.’ Like, I will deliver a ‘State of the Country’ speech with only a teddy on. I will plant a palm on Mount McKinley. I will declare I can race 38,000 miles in a day. All of this will be all right because I am not as old as Biden.” (Duncan Stevens)

“Do not think of what your country can do for you, but what your country can do for me — your best president ever. And that is to make me as rich as any one in the world other than, perhaps, that know-it-all I put at the top of my brand-new beautiful Department of Government Efficiency.” (Chris Doyle)

“They were soldiers, cowboys, steelworkers, police officers, and two other much-men. They gave us Why-Am-See-A. Now let me move and swing to it!” (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

“As Commander in Chief, I have the responsibility to defend our country from threats and invasions. And if you think I’ll do that, you must be higher than our Defense chief.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

“To the millions of patriots who showed up today, I say this: My health is in disastrous disrepair. My mental state is tremendously unpredictable. Even God has only hate for me. Also, I won this election illegally. Thank you for coming.” (Judy Freed)

“I have heard everyone say I want to be king. Not at all! I just want to take sole sovereign power with totally supreme leadership, send government gangs to put my political enemies in prisons, declare tyranny in sweeping orders and put every law in the can, and gather a private military to keep me in power. And perhaps have people call me God. Very small things.” (Duncan Stevens)

“I like to put things up my behind. Anything rugged: lead soldiers, a bullet, that small amount of my broken, ripped ear. But I am also pleased to use the flag, or hearts, or even just sunlight. I call it my love canal.” (Kevin Dopart)

“Let me be honest with you. I cannot do anything about prices. I know next to nothing about government, our institutions, or the Constitution. I cannot make us safe, stronger, or more prosperous. But I can release thousands of vicious, violent criminals. That is my supreme talent!” (Jonathan Jensen)

“The amount of criminal things I did in my first administration? Wow. God, I don't know. More than seven, eight. 250? 1798? 2025? 38,000? Could be more! No way to tell by now.” (Duncan Stevens)

“After this speech, I will have spoken. What were my words about? I don’t exactly know. But anything I say is strong, powerful, and great. And to be honest, I just like to take up all of your time as I stand here going on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.” (Judy Freed)

“Farmers and soldiers, cowboys and factory workers, steelworkers and coal miners, police officers and pioneers—they have all had their way with your female parent!” (Jesse Frankovich)

“From my back end, I lay golden things.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

“History will record that I am without dignity, integrity, compassion or merit. I repel women. I don’t like Black or Hispanic people. My presidency will be catastrophic, bringing fascism and poverty to millions of American citizens. On the other hand, and more importantly, I’m going to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very rich and powerful. So, thank you for your vote. You put me here and henceforth I have no use for you.” (Andy Bassett)

The headline “Garbage In …” is by Kevin Dopart); Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 15: It’s our contest for super-short but super-snarky “Balliol rhymes” about famous people. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich; Jeff Hazle)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Roy Ashley)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!