The Invitational Week 108: Bill Us Now
A wordplay game to join congressional names to 'cosponsor'
legislation. Plus winning names for the Eighth Dwarf.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Jan 23, 2025
We expect that new Rep. Crank is going to be cosponsoring a lot of
"legislation" in this week's Invitational contest.
Hello. Applause for the new Congress. On the one clapping hand, it
seems to be a rubber stamp for the wishes of a new president,
whom we hereafter will call Porky. On the other, there are pretty
good names in there.
So:
The Knott-Hurd-Taylor bill to establish that any music written in the
21st century isn’t worth listening to.
The Bynum-Moore-Justice Act to permit lobbyists to contribute to
the Supreme Court’s favorite “charities.”
The Turner-Moody Act to get another beer for us, will ya?
The Knott-Harrigan bill to ban Sarah Palin from ever trying to make a
comeback.
What, you’re not feeling all that great this week, watching helplessly
as a horde of thugs gleefully smashes into pillar after pillar of our
democracy and decency, like the Taliban taking sledgehammers to
1,500-year-old sculptures because they weren’t of their preferred
sect?
Well, we at The Invitational are here to divert you, as we are every
two years at the beginning of another congressional session, with
our beloved (and occasionally behated) “joint legislation” game — in
which we pretend that two or more freshman senators and/or House
members might actually work together to suggest a new law.
For Invitational Week 108: Combine two or more names from the
new members of the 119th Congress — click here for our list
— to “cosponsor” a bill based on their combined last names, as
in the examples above.
We’re just playing with the sounds of their names, not
commenting on the sens and reps (and even a couple of dels)
themselves. That’s why the list doesn’t mention their parties, or
even their first names. Learning that we’d be getting good names for
this list — Crank! Figures! Pou! the perennial Johnson! — at least
gave us a half an iota of cheer on election night.
The Czar and Empress implore you, having judged eighteen
previous Joint Legislation contests between us: A pun on these
names that’s clear to you is not necessarily clear to anyone else in
the world. Before you send in your entry, ask someone else to read it
out loud and, without hints, body English, etc., tell you what phrase
you had in mind. There can be a little stretch in the sound, as in
“Harrigan” meaning “her again” in the example above, but don’t use
that name to mean, say, “harry gams.” For guidance ’n’ inspiration,
take a look at our 2023 inking entries (the winner, by Pam
Shermeyer: The Ogles-Magaziner-Jackson-Self Act to encourage
sperm bank donations.).
Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 1, 2025, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run
here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 6. As usual, you may submit
up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same
form.
Formatting this week: It’s just our standard request to write each
entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re finished that
particular entry). That way we can shuble all the entries and won’t
know if you’ve sent us one entry or 25.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyurl.com/invform-
108.
This week’s winner, while we’re thinking congressionally, receives
an adorable finger puppet depicting Sen. Bernie Sanders very well
except for its highly uncharacteristic silence. Yeah, it should have
been a mitten, but it’s still awfully cute. Donated by Dave Prevar.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or
Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get
bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for
First Ink for First Obenders.
Gnomenclature: The Eighth Dwarfs of Week 106
In Invitational Week 106 we asked you to come up with amusing
names for an Eighth Dwarf to complement Sneezy, Happy, and the
rest of Snow White’s adjectival posse.
Third runner-up:
BERNY changes the lyrics to “It’s ob to work we go, with a minimum
wage of $15 per hour.” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Second runner-up:
ENNUI is the only dwarf who doesn’t whistle while he works. He
sighs. (Je8 Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)
First runner-up:
JENZY: He’s the entitled one who wants to work in the mine
remotely by Zoom. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)
And the winner of the plushie uterus-and-ovaries:
IRONY: Is dead. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
Miner Characters: Honorable mentions
COSBY: Who do you think gave the Evil Queen the sleeping
potion? (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
BEEPY: Goes everywhere in reverse. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
BIGLY: A great dwarf, the greatest, many people are saying. (Mike
Bardallis, Allen Park, Mich., a First O8ender)
SNOOTFUL: Bashful’s twin brother, who found a special potion to
overcome his shyness. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
BEERMY: Every evening his mood changes from happy to dopey to
grumpy and finally sleepy. (Je8 Hazle, San Antonio)
CANARY has PTSD from his old job at the coal mine. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
DICEY makes crypto recommendations.to the other Dwarfs. (Daniel
Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)
FAPPY: He’ll be right back once he’s … done. (Je8 Contompasis,
Ashburn, Va.)
HANDSY, the miners say, knows her way around a shaft. (Steve
Smith)
OXY: Such a popular guy, people just can’t quit him. (Sam Mertens)
BOTTY replaced all the other dwarfs’ mining jobs. (Jesse Frankovich,
Laingsburg, Mich.)
CLAMMY: He’s just … resting. (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)
PHLEGMY, Sneezy's brother, who is always near you on the
Metro. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
SLOOPY: Not a real dwarf, just a hanger-on. (Mike Gips, Bethesda,
Md.)
DISNEY insists that you cease and desist from infringing on this
copyrighted material. (Jason Meyers, Hamilton, N.Y., a First
O8ender)
DINKLAGE is sick and tired of the fucking stereotypes
already. (Jason Meyers, again!)
SOAPY is waiting for her rinse to come. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
And Last: DOYLY: He is a composer of brilliant puns, limericks,
spoonerisms, double dactyls, and song parodies, and has appeared
in a certain humor contest almost three thousand times. And he
crochets little lacy things. (Je8 Hazle)
And Even Laster: NOPEY: The Empress. (Jesse Frankovich)
The headline “Gnomenclature” was submitted by both Jon Gearhart
and Jesse Frankovich; Judy Freed wrote the honorable-mentions
subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Jan. 25: our Week 107
anagram contest. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Pam Shermeyer)
Judging: ()
Title: (Jon Gearhart; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Judy Freed)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!