The Invitational Week 101: A So-So Contest
Give us jokes that are so [something] that [something] ... . Plus winning misreadings of headlines.
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Dec 05, 2024


A dinosaur coprolite: fossilized poop. See today’s Invitational winner.
Hello. We last delivered this contest to you nearly eight years ago, at a time of grave national crisis. The United States had just elected a boor and buffoon as its president and his term had just begun! We asked you to complete the classic exaggerated joke form of “[it’s] so [something] that [something.]” The subject matter was up to you, but the vast majority of you chose the new president to lampoon.

Good thing we’re all past that.

Here are some of the winners from that last contest in March 2017:

The Trump White House is so brazen, it’s offering foreign donors a night in the Putin Bedroom. (Duncan Stevens)
The crowd was so huge at Trump’s inauguration that the Park Police considered setting up a second Porta-John. (Hildy Zampella)
President Trump’s skin tone is so unusual, nothing rhymes with it. (Jesse Frankovich)

Soooo (so to speak): For Invitational Week 101: Write a humorous exaggeration in the form “x is so y [that],” as in the examples above. (full results here). It can be on any subject, not just politics.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 14, 2024, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 19. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-101.

Formatting your entries this week: It’s just our regular request that you write each individual entry as a single line (i.e., don’t push Enter until the end of each entry).

This week’s winner gets this fabulous set of little Christmas ornaments depicting three existentialist philosophers — tree-thinkers, you could call them. What could be more jolly than rockin’ around the Christmas tree with Jean-Paul Sartre, Simone de Beauvoir, and Albert Camus, all decked out in a festive black and gray? Donated by chronic prize-donor Kathy Sheeran.

Three black glass ornaments featuring portraits of famous existentialist philosophers hanging above a product box labeled "Existentialist Ornaments". The ornaments display monochrome images of three individuals on dark spheres, suspended by gold strings.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Bank Ribbery: ‘Mess With Our Heads’ winners from Week 99
In our perennial Mess With Our Heads contest, we asked you to choose a headline from some article or ad dated that week, then give it a different meaning (or at least a wry comment) by writing a bank head, or subtitle, beneath it.

Third runner-up:
Real headline: White House Goes Green
Bank head: Trump to Wallpaper Oval Office With $100 Bills
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Second runner-up:
A science-backed tip to waste less food on Thanksgiving
Cook less food on Thanksgiving
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

First runner-up:
I’m uncomfortable with our CEO invoking Jesus before meetings. What do I do?
Change your job from cardinal
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

And the winner of the Pissed-Off Cats calendar:
Over 500 fossilized poops show how dinosaurs came to rule the Earth
Association of Retired Paleontologists hosts symposium on Triassic Era
(Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Knuckleheads: Honorable mentions
Proposed bill would create new bullet train in Texas along I-35
Ammo-delivery vehicle expected to decrease downtime between shootings (Heather Kennedy, Dripping Springs, Tex., a First Offender)

Maps Pinpoint Where Democrats Lost Ground Since 2020 in 11 Big Cities
It was in the voting booths, analysts say (Gary Crockett)

How to make Thanksgiving travel easier
After dinner, unbutton pants before heading to couch (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Are you my sponge?
Question tops list of Worst Pickup Lines Ever (Barbara Turner)

Putin sends message to West with missile
Biden asks if he can just pick up the phone next time (Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

Trash incinerator in Montgomery to continue despite pollution complaints
You know it’s bad if the pollution is complaining (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

How to reduce your waste on Black Friday
Immodium (Stephanie Smilay, Takoma Park, Md.)

Bowser does not comment on movement
Dog sits quietly as owner howls in anger at poop on the carpet (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)

Some people are ‘heart agers.’ Some are ‘brain youthers.’
And some are ‘noun verbers.’ (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Family of man found in river looks for answers
’Why are we in this river?’ family asks (Duncan Stevens)

9-Letter Word for Avoiding Intimacy
That would be ‘impotence’ (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Dog-friendly bar Bark Social will file for bankruptcy
Pooches turned down pricey cocktails, drank out of toilet (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Can Gwyneth Paltrow Save Goop with a Bold New Vaginal Product?
Gynecologists advise: Vaginal goop not worth saving (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Garbage facility to keep running
Tariffs to be waived on MAGA caps made in Chinese factory (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Fall Into Despair
Stop Reading This Newspaper (Jonathan Jensen)

Tap water chemical is finally identified
After 4-year study, scientists announce it is dihydrogen monoxide (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.; Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)

Is It Possible the Democrats Were Hurt by a Strong Economy?
No. (Gary Crockett)

Why Black Friday is losing popularity with holiday shoppers
MAGA boycott demands Caucasian Saturday (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

N.H. shelter scurries to find homes for 800 mice
Kind offers roll in from Granite State herpetologists (Jeff Contompasis)

GOP may try to defang consumer watchdog
Republicans plan extraction for 90-year-old Ralph Nader (Jeff Contompasis)

It’s big, ungainly, communicates with hisses and vomits when threatened
Why they won’t give Eric Trump a Cabinet post (Barbara Turner)

Trump’s choice for US spymaster is in many ways a stranger to the intelligence community
But a familiar face to the stupidity community (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Residents of Herndon apartment complex say mold is making them sick
Salmon-Jello dish from Fran in 3A not appreciated at potluck (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Why busy parents are turning to kettlebells
Kids won’t run off when tied to 50-pound weights (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

These Are the Most Fulfilling Jobs in America
Women Say ‘Nurse Anesthetist,’ Men Say ‘Blow’ (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Times, temps and tips for making sure your turkey turns out swell
Our guide to restaurants that deliver on Thanksgiving Day (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Mouth taping may help with snoring and sleep apnea
May also prevent talking in your sleep about your extramarital affair (Dave Prevar; Howard Walderman)

Think twice before buying tomatoes this winter
Finance experts say stealing is much cheaper (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Fearing war, Georgia chooses a return to Russia’s embrace
Explains Trump’s win in Peach State (Dave Metzger, Venice, Fla.)

Loose hamsters ground plane for 5 days
Rebellious rodents thwart Boeing’s new design to power engines (Richard Wexler, Alexandria, Va.)

Trump’s Crown Doesn’t Fit
President-elect Demands Investigation of American Dental Association (Richard Wexler)

Dons win Turkey Bowl
Trump Sr. and Jr. out-asshole the Kardashians to win coveted celebrity prize (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Passengers at Dulles Airport expected to grow
Experts fear new Cold Stone Creamery, Chick-fil-A on concourse will increase traveler obesity (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

Chimp bands may have humanlike culture, report finds
‘They’re usually an hour late for their gigs, and half of them are stoned,’ agent confides (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Connecticut Couple Charged in $1 Million Theft of Lululemon Goods
Police Recover All 12 Pairs of Full-Priced Yoga Pants (Michael Stein)

Where to See Santa in Wayne This Christmas Season
Pornhub launches “Gay Yuletide” channel (Jesse Frankovich)

And Last: Garbage facility to keep running
Substack agrees to keep The Gene Pool (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 7: our Week 100 contest for predictions of news headlines (and more) from a hundred years from now. Click on the link below.

The headline “Bank Ribbery” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jon Gearhart; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Hildy Zampella; Jesse Frankovich)
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!