The Invitational Week 98: Tiles & Tribulations
Winners of our contest to find new words from 7-letter 'racks'
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Nov 14, 2024

To all the dudes posting their "snow beards" from Canada and other cold places, the best I can do is a white beard from balmy (60 degrees) California : r/beards
Above: Man-bib! The term wins a runner-up this week for William Kennard. (This man, pictured, isn’t Mr. Kennard.)
Hello. This is Part II of “The Empress Will Be Abandoning Us to Go on Some Vacation.” So, no new contest this week; that’s so she won’t have to judge entries and write up the results in the car/on the beach/inside a volcano, etc. But we have the winners of Week 96 today (see below), and next Thursday we’ll have a brand-new contest.

So we are good to go.

A Rack and a Har Place: ScrabbleGrams neologisms
In Invitational Week 96 — a roughly annual contest we call The Tile Invitational — we presented several dozen seven-letter “racks” from the syndicated ScrabbleGrams word game, and asked you to unscramble them (or rescramble them?) into new words or phrases of either six letters or all seven, then define them.

Third runner-up: AEOUDFT > OUTDEAF: To defeat one’s spouse at pretending not to hear the baby crying.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Second runner-up: ABBIMNO > MAN-BIB: A bushy beard.
(William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

First runner-up: CEHLORT > LECH ROT: The medical condition in which one’s genitals shrivel up and fall off from watching porn — or that’s what they taught us in Sunday school.
(Mark Raffman)

And the winner of the alligator socks:
AHISSTU > USA SHIT: What just hit the USA fan.
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AAEFFLL > LAF FALE: Honorable mentions
AADOPRX > AARP DOX: The pile of junk mail announcing that your fiftieth birthday is coming. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

AADOPRX > AX DROP: What they did way, way before mics were invented. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

AADOPRX > RAXPOD: Bra. (Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

AANSWYY > NAYSWAY: Persuade someone not to do something. “Dude had to naysway a bro to abandon his butt-launched bottle rocket.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

ABBIMNO > ON, BAMBI: What Santa has to yell when Comet or Dasher is out sick. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

ADGILUY > UG-LAID: Woke up next to someone who is somehow not nearly as good-looking as the person you went home with. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

AEEKORW> OK-WARE: Computer program that doesn’t do much, but at least it’s not malware. (Mark Raffman)

AEOUDFT > OAF DUET: Don Jr. and Eric. (Gary Crockett)

AEULPGL > LAP GLUE: Remnants of a lap dance; a.k.a. pelvic paste. (Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles; Tom Witte)

AHISSTU > SHIT, USA: The phrase uttered everywhere in Europe except Hungary and the Kremlin on November 6. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

ADGILUY > GUILDY: How you feel when you forget to pay your union dues. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

AFFNORT > FRONT AF: Well endowed. (Dave Zarrow, Skokie, Ill.)

AAELMNU > EMU ANAL: Least watched clip on Pornhub. (Duncan Stevens)

AIORRTT > TIT ROAR: “Ow! Why can’t they make a mammogram machine that’s not a torture device?” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.; Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

ABBIMNO > ABIMBO: With hands on hips and brain turned off. (Jesse Frankovich)

ACDDEIN > IDDANCE: “He just wanted sex all the time. Kicked him to the curb. Good iddance.” (Judy Freed)

BCEHITW > BE WITCH: Unhappy with the tepid response to her Be Best campaign, Melania decides kids need to toughen up. (Dave Zarrow)

BCEHITW > WEB ITCH: That feeling you get in the middle of family dinner when all you want to do is look at your phone but Dad insists that this is “family time” and we have to go “devices down” but it’s so lame and you just bite the back of your hand and your eyes roll back in your head and will this everrr be overrr??? (Mark Raffman)

CDEEIMN > DEICE ME: A last-minute directive added to Ted Williams’s will. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

CEHLORT > CLOTHER: A lady who seductively dons more and more garments, frequently hired for Victorian bachelor parties. (Duncan Stevens)

CILOOPT > LOO PIC: What’s Chapter 2, after “Upskirt,” in “The Pervert’s Guide to Photography.” (Tom Witte)

GLOORUY > YOURLOG: One of the primary concerns in the field of UROLOGY. (Jeff Contompasis)

AEOUDFT > EDUFAT: What many a college student puts on with those nights of pizza and beer; a.k.a. “the Freshman Fifteen.” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

The headline “Tiles & Tribulations” is by Kevin Dopart, as was the honorable-mentions subhead; “A Rack and a Har Place” is by Chris Doyle.

Meet the Parentheses! Join the Empress (Pat Myers) and sundry Invitational Losers and fans for brunch on Sunday, Dec. 1, 11:30 a.m., at Texas Jack's in Arlington, Va. Just relaxed socializing, no competitive repartee. Click here to sign up if you’d like to come.


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