The Invitational Week 97: Give Us a Break
Winning jokes on the worst that could happen/could have happened.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Nov 07, 2024


Emmett Kelly as “Weary Willie” / Bettmann Archives
Hello. Are you ready for some jocularity?
Yeah, neither are we.
Two weeks ago, when we launched the contest whose results are published today, we envisioned that they would run two days after an election in which the United States reaffirmed its greatness, honoring the visions of its founders by rejecting the threat of tyranny and blunt-force governance. We’d somehow assumed that wisdom and compassion would triumph over ignorance and hatred.
Instead, we are here.
The contest sought to mine the humor inherent in the greatest fears of a bipolar electorate: the things the extreme right and the extreme left might dread would happen if the other side won. The results were hilarious. The entrants came through for us. We judged their work on Monday. Then came Tuesday.
We present the results today, far less convinced that they will seem funny. We rely on a quote from some hack newspaper humor columnist, published a week after 9/11, in defense of The Style Invitational and other comedic sites: “When people are filled with grief, they need to cry. When they are filled with fear, they need to laugh.”
The results of the political contest are below. The information about the new contest is right here:

There Is No New Contest!

No, we are not killing the Invitational. The Invitational still lives and thrives, despite and perhaps because of revolting world events. We are just taking a two-week break, and no, it is not for mourning. We’d been planning to do this for weeks.
It’s the first time we’ve interrupted the flow since we began the Substack Invitational almost two years ago. We’re going to skip two contests so that the Empress can actually have a vacation. (The Czar is like a helpless, drooling, powdered and diapered baby without her.)
Next Thursday’s Gene Pool will have the results of our Week 96 neologism contest — which you can still enter through Saturday, Nov. 9 — and the week after that we’ll announce a new contest but publish no results. So still, magically, there is an Invite every week.

The Laughtermath: The dire predictions of Week 95
In Invitational Week 95 we asked you to put yourself in the head of either a total Trumpster or total Harrister, consumed with fear of what this terrible other person would do starting Jan. 20, and jokingly predict some terrible consequence. The contest deadline was Nov. 2, three days before the election.
Third runner-up:
Of a Harris win: A zombie apocalypse ensues, led by all the dead people who voted for her. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Second runner-up:
Of a Trump win: Everyone named Jack Smith will be fired, just to be on the safe side. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
First runner-up:
Of a Trump win: January 6 will become a new national holiday, which we will observe by breaking into the nearest building and pooping in it. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
And the winner of the “I Don’t Give a Shitake” mushroom plushie:
Of a Trump win: Trump will stage photo-ops at the renamed Tomb of the Unknown Sucker. (Kevin Dopart, Washington D.C.)

No Endorsement: Honorable mentions
Assuming Trump would win …
Not only will all lawn mowers and leaf blowers have to be powered by gas engines, but so will tricycles, flashlights, and wristwatches. (Gary Crockett)
The Washington Monument will be renamed the Arnold Palmer Monument. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.; Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)
Colin Kaepernick will be banned from kneeling to tie his shoes. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
Hurricane relief will consist of crossing out the disaster area on a map with a Sharpie so the storm never happened. (Daniel Galef, Cincinnati)
The Presidential Seal will be killed and eaten by RFK Jr. (Gary Crockett)
History books will be required to refer to the Biden administration as “the Usurpation.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md. )
All big strong men in the United States will be required to follow Trump around weeping. (Duncan Stevens)
Rudy Giuliani will be given a Humanitarian Service Award for donating a luxury Manhattan apartment and many valuables to a deserving Black family. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
Trump will issue an executive order replacing all miniature-golf windmills with with oil rigs. (Kevin Dopart)
“Jeopardy!” contestants will be permitted to give a wrong answer so long as they add “A lot of people are saying.” (Jesse Rifkin)
Alaska will be returned to the Russian Empire in exchange for prime dachas for Trump and his coterie. (Stephen Dudzik)
Justices Kagan, Jackson, and Sotomayor will fly their U.S. flags upside down. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
As the new Wellness Czar, Melania will replace Obamacare with Ireallydontcare. (Kevin Dopart)
Welcome your new Attorney General, the ghost of Roy Cohn. (Daniel Galef)
Trump will spend the week before his first State of the Union address going over all the details with his advisers, choosing what to cut and what to add so as to create the best possible playlist. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
Trump will announce a new policy to let in female immigrants who are “my type.” (Stephen Dudzik)
Assuming Harris would win:
School nurses will be so overworked providing gender-reassignment surgeries during regular school hours that lice will spread unchecked. (Daniel Galef)
Harris will celebrate her win like Brandi Chastain. (Jesse Frankovich)
The military will be forced to move from the Pentagon to make room for the new headquarters of Planned Parenthood. (Jon Ketzner)
Mattel will be ordered to make all Barbie and Ken dolls with genitalia — but in partnership with Lego, so the parts can be changed easily. (Kevin Dopart)
The emboldened woke left will invent so many new pronouns that they will outnumber nouns. (Daniel Galef)
She will install handholds on the border wall. (Jonathan Jensen)
She’ll put tampons in all the men’s public toilets . . . which will clog them, because you’re not supposed to do that. (Daniel Galef)
With no one to protect them, our women are forcibly groped and kissed by reality TV stars. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
Because of her the draconian tax on billionaires, Donald Trump will have to use a public defender. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
The Department of Transportation will be renamed the Department of Trans. (Lee Graham)
The headline “The Laughtermath” was submitted independently by Jeff Contompasis, Jon Gearhart, and Tom Witte; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Nov. 9: our Week 96 contest for new words drawn from any of 36 seven-letter ScrabbleGrams “racks” we supply Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Judging: ()
Title: (Jeff Contompasis; Jon Gearhart; Tom Witte)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!