Invitational Week 92: Wryku
Write us a funny haiku about something in the news. Plus our winning campaign bumper stickers!
Pat Myers and Gene Weingarten
Oct 03, 2024


Win this timely tote bag from Light with your current-events haiku.
The Candidate
A man is running,
Sweet family by his side.
What’s wrong with this pic?
Hello. This week’s Invitational appears at the suggestion of Melissa Balmain, who in addition to being a 217-time Invitational Loser (including as a 16-time winner) is the editor in chief of the poetry journal Light, which regularly offers topical “Poems of the Week.” Melissa wrote to remind us that we hadn’t run a haiku contest in quite a while — and that if we would, she’d even pony up the prize.

For Invitational Week 92: Write a witty haiku about anything in the news right now, as in Gene’s example above about the strange ad by Virginia congressional candidate Derrick Anderson. For our purposes — and with this we aim to stop the pedants in mid-hand-wring — we’re defining a haiku as any three-line poem with five syllables in Lines 1 and 3, seven syllables in Line 2. It may have a rhyme but does not have to. It should be funny. It doesn’t have to concern nature etc. etc, etc. etc. You may add a title, and if your haiku is referring to a specific news item, we could link to it, as above, if you’ll include the URL.

This week’s winner receives the tote bag pictured above, displaying a haiku by Paul Lander, himself an Invite One-Hit Wonder. And Melissa reports that “this is one sturdy tote. I lugged home quite the haul of gourds.” So go for the gourd!

Formatting this week: While of course we’ll run each inking haiku as three lines, please submit each haiku (including the title if any) in one long line, separated by slashes. For example, here’s how this almost eternally timely haiku would be submitted; it’s by the late light-verse master Mae Scanlan:

Springtime in D.C.!/ Two things ruin outdoor fun: / Mosquitoes and Nats.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-92.

An extra day! Because of the unfortunate scheduling of this year’s Yom Kippur, which was inconsiderately set 1,700 years ago on the Hebrew calendar, this week’s deadline will be extended to Sunday, Oct. 13, at 5 p.m. ET. (Sharp!) Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Oct. 17. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Back-Ended Compliments: Winning bumper stickers from Week 90
In Invitational Week 90, we asked you to suggest ideas for bumper stickers about this year’s elections. Not that we’re actually going to print the permanent car-defacers, as we used to do for honorable-mention winners back in the 20th century.

Third runner-up:
MIND over MAGA: Kamala Harris 2024
(Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Second runner-up:
TRUMP HAS THE BEST BUMPER STICKERS
(Jesse Frankovich)

First runner-up:
Why settle for the lesser of two evils? WE'RE GREATER! Vote Trump/Vance
(Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Dan Helming, Conshohocken, Pa.)

And the winner of the figurine of NFL star Ricky Williams from when he was
playing bush-league baseball for the Piedmont Boll Weevils:
START THE STEAL! Trump/Vance 2024
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines, Iowa)

Decal Matter: Honorable mentions
Immigrants Are Grabbing Your Socks From the Laundromat Dryer! Vote Trump! (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

De Ploribus Unum: Trump Voters, Unite! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

For He’s a Jowly Old Felon: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

Trump Means Never Bothering to Say You’re Sorry (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

On Wednesday, November 6, Cast Your Vote for Trump! (and in teeny type: Vote Harris) (Jonathan Jensen)

All Hands on Dick for Lauren! Reelect Boebert (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Listen carefully, as our menu options have changed: KAMALA HARRIS and TIM WALZ (Jim Schaefer, Greenbelt, Md., a First Offender)

Even Having Trump’s Name Here Devalues My Car (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

If You Can’t Read This, We’ll Deport You: Trump-Vance 2024 (Jon Gearhart)

If You Can Read This, You’re Too Smart to Vote for Trump: Harris ’24 (Michael Stein)

She Suffices (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Concepts of a Bumper Sticker (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Only Cats Should Be Orange and Stupid: Vote Harris (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

The Truth Hurts. So Ignore It. Trump-Vance 2024 (Diana Oertel)

We’re Gonna Need Your Full Coup Operation: Vote Trump (Jesse Frankovich)

No New Texas: Reelect Senator Ted Cruz (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

My Dog Ate My Kid’s Homework, and Then My Neighbor Ate My Dog. Vote Trump. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Roadkill in Every Pot: RFK Jr. 2024 (Chris Doyle)

I Am Applying an Adhesive Catchphrase to This Car as We Normal People Do: Vance 2024 (Duncan Stevens)

Indicted We Stand! Bring Back Trump (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Kennedy 2024: Every Animal Was Harmed During the Making of This Candidate (Duncan Stevens)

We Drained the Swamp (and found 22 Trump associates): Harris 2024 (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Make Assholes Go Away: Vote Harris (Neal Starkman)

Porn-Again Christians for Mark Robinson (Chris Doyle)

Better a Childless Soul Than a Soulless Child: Harris 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

If you can’t pronounce her name, just say PRESIDENT HARRIS (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

Eliminate the Middleman: Putin for President (Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Make America Hate Again — Good, Fine People for Trump (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

SAVE THE WHALES … for RFK Jr. (Stephen Dudzik)

Vote for Whoever Taylor Swift endorsed! // Caution: Student Driver (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Trump’s Golf Score: A-Hole In One — Vote Blue (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

If You Liked January 6, You’ll Love the Sequel: Trump 2024 (Diana Oertel)

A Vote Is a Terrific Thing to Waste: Jill Stein 2024 (Jesse Frankovich)

He Can Still Remember ‘Woman’ and ‘TV’: Vote Trump (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Procrastinators Club of America Endorses John Quincy Adams in ’24 (Gregory Koch)

And Last: Trump 2024: Four More Years of Prime Invitational Entry Content (Duncan Stevens)

The headline “Back-Ended Compliments” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Oct. 5: our Week 91 contest for humorous ways to economize (including true anecdotes). Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Melissa Balmain)
Examples: (Paul Lander)
Judging: ()
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Melissa Balmain)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!