The Invitational Week 83: Stop, Hey, What's That Sound?
Tell us what these noise-words mean. Plus our caption contest winners.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
AUG 01, 2024
Duncan Stevens’s winning caption for Invitational Week 81. See more winners for this and five other pictures in this week’s results below.
Hello. Welcome to the Invitational Gene Pool, friends. Lend us your ears:
Yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum
Abracadada
Bong bong bong boing
Gliddy glub gloopy, nibby nabby noopy
Boo-hoo hooboy
Tock-tick, Tock-tick
Fee-fi-fo-fump
Bang-whiz
Pa rum pum pum rump
Oop-alley
Bada-bing, bada-bingo
For Invitational Week 83, we want you to make sense out of any, some, or all of the above sound effects. Possibly for good reason, we have done this contest only once before, 28 years ago. Never did it again. We think it merely coincidence that this was also the first contest that entailed, between Pat and Gene, a very testy drag-out fight respectful disagreement over the suitability of one entry, which Gene felt was just splendid and Pat felt was monstrous. We can reveal it now in The Gene Pool: The sound was “Fizz Fizz Plop Plop,” and the Loser’s translation was “Two toddlers find the Drano under the kitchen sink.” We did not run that entry in the results 28 years ago, and Pat has decided we have amicably agreed that the sound will not be used as a clue again.
Among the results that did get ink in 1996 (full list here):
What is “E-I-E-I-Ow”? The nuns always used a metal-tipped ruler to enforce “I before E.” (Jennifer Hart)
What is “Fa la la la la la la THUD”? Decking the halls beyond their structural integrity. (John Kammer)
What is “Nyuck nyuck nyuck BANG”? T.S. Eliot’s original explanation of how the world ended. (Art Grinath)
Formatting this week: Please begin each entry with the sound name you’re defining, so we can sort all the entries by category. (Don’t start them with “What is” as above.) Make each entry one single line, as in the examples above; if your sound isn’t on the same line as your definition, we’ll be totally lost, and you will have totally lost.
Deadline is Saturday, Aug. 10, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 15. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.
Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-83.
This week’s winner gets these luxurious earrings. You may follow their directions however you interpret them, except that you should not put either of them in the ear canal. Stay with the lobe.
What did you say this week’s prize was again?
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.
Art of Snarkness: Winning captions from Week 81
In Invitational Week 81 we presented a series of pictures and invited you to send us as many as 25 captions for them. The winner and three runners-up appear in boldface under the respective pictures.
Feeling conspicuous, Ed regrets having left his jacket at home. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
As they say, Cheetos never win. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)
Dan wondered how well the witness protection program was really concealing his identity. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
He was a chemist with a Nobel Prize, but he knew even before it was his turn at the mic that he could not compete for the hearts of voters with Baked Beans Man. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
Corporate policy was to be respectful of people who still chose to wear masks, and Doug was going to make the most of it. (Sam Mertens)
Despite his issue with the flambé, Bob was happy with his third-place finish in the annual company cook-off. (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Va.)
“Arthur J. Smith, Sensible Party, 30,612. Jethro Q. Bunn Whackett Buzzard Stubble and Boot Walrustitty, Silly Party, 33,108.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
—
First runner-up: The Mr. and Mrs. Human Head set was missing a few pieces, much to the dismay of its owner, Timmy Potato. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Third runner-up: (To “If I Only Had a Brain”)
It seems we weren’t the smartest
To choose the cheapest artist –
Our portrait’s a disgrace.
I don’t like the V-neck sweater
But it could have been much better
If we only had a face. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
At couples therapy, Joan and especially Bob had been advised to be more self-effacing. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
It’s Prosopagnosia Awareness Month. (Jeff Contompasis)
You know how some couples finish each other’s sentences? That just never happens with Blanca and Greg. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)
A little-known fact about the mannequin species is that it’s the male who carries a fetus to term. (Sam Mertens)
He wanted to kiss her, but he just didn’t have what it takes. (Jeff Contompasis)
The Blancos were a veritable power couple at the casinos, but it wasn’t long before they were no longer allowed at the poker tables. (Sam Mertens)
Once again, the contest for the best Star Trek costume came down to a face-off. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
And then the cartoonist suddenly drew a blank . . . (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Judy Freed)
Hotbottom and Superstud had memorable names, but utterly forgettable faces. (Beverley Sharp)
—
Second runner-up: “Get it? ’Cause our faces are long!” (Steve Geist)
“Did you hear what that human’s-ass said at the Republican convention?” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
“Laugh, Misty, but I swear that woman with the brush is grooming us.” (Frank Osen)
“And then I says to him, ‘Screw you and the man who rode in on you!’” (Jon Gearhart)
“So I waited until they had that little brat all saddled up, and then I dropped and rolled on my back and that’s why I don’t have to do pony rides anymore.” (Sam Mertens)
“Are those Invitational weirdos trying to make us mate again? I keep telling them we’re both males!” (Duncan Stevens)
—
The Uvula ID scanner on the iPhone never took off. (Marc Leibert, Travis AFB, Calif.)
Siri was getting on in years and was now a little hard of hearing. (Duncan Stevens)
Representative! REP-RE-SEN-TA-TIVE!!! (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.; Jon Gearhart)
Randy decided to record “Nessun Dorma” as his voice mail greeting. (Tom Witte)
The winner of Farts: A Spotter’s Guide:
Justice Alito’s law clerks thought the flag on the family’s house looked just fine. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
This image is obviously AI-generated: Look at the feet growing out of their heads, and chains growing from their arms! (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
On his LDS mission, Brigham found it easy to hook up with other swingers. (Kevin Dopart, Naxos, Greece)
The G-rated version of “Fifty Shades of Grey” turned out not to have much of an audience. (Mark Raffman)
The American Red Cross notes that it’s easy to stop a nosebleed while at the park. (Kevin Dopart)
A recently discovered photo of a young JD Vance and his girlfriend casts further doubt on his “hillbilly” status. (Duncan Stevens)
“’Tis not thee, ’tis me.”(Jesse Frankovich)
“Wouldst thou wish to Byron and chill?” (Kevin Dopart)
He found his soul mate when he saw her soul patch. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
“If you would only listen to the science, milady, you would know that one cannot become with child under a crescent moon.” (Tom Witte)
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, milady, but you see, I’m one of Robin Hood’s “merry” men. (Tom Witte)
“Yes, that’s where I hanged my last wife.” (Mark L. Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)
The headline “Art of Snarkness” is by Chris Doyle.
Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 3: our Week 82 contest to choose a line from Taylor Swift’s latest album (we have the lyrics for you) and pair it with your own rhyming line. Click on the link below.
InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jennifer Hart; Art Grinath; John Kammer )
Judging: ()
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: ()
Prize: ()
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!