The Invitational Week 72: All You Need Is Ink
Take a line from a Beatles song and rhyme it with your own. Plus winning 'grandfoals.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 16, 2024

The Fab Four promoting the 1967 international TV special “One World.” This week’s Invitational lets you meet the Beatles, sorta. (By Jim Gray/Getty Images)
Hello. You know how grandkids tend to be innocent and adorable? Well, today we present the winning “grandfoals” wordplay from Invitational Week 70, but for some reason they turn out trading heavily in fornication, scatology, self-pleasuring, prostitution, and crime.

But before we ooze into that, the new contest:

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never thought I’d spend so much on Rogaine and Bengay.
—
Oh, please, say to me, you’ll let me be your man
You’ll see I put the seat down, when I use the can.
—
Bright are the stars that shine, dark is the sky,
Do not view that eclipse with naked eye.
—

This week’s Invitational challenge is the second “tailgating” contest of the New Era. The first involved Bob Dylan. For Week 72: Choose a line from a song written by one or more of the Beatles and released by the Beatles (not on solo or later albums). Then pair it with your own rhyming line, as in the examples above by Duncan Stevens, who suggested this contest and even offered a link to this convenient list of Beatles lyrics, alphabetized by song. Note: This collection also includes cover versions; check the composer credit above each song to make sure it’s really by the Fab Four. (No, they didn’t write “Twist and Shout.”)

Also: Even if the Beatles didn’t rhyme the line you chose, you must. Your couplet doesn’t have to be singable to the original tune, though.

Speaking of the Dylan and Beatles, did you know that Bob turned the Beatles on to pot on August 28, 1964, The Day the Music Got Fried? And it led, pretty directly, to “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds” and John and Yoko blissed out and naked on an album cover.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-72. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Formatting: Please write each couplet as a single line divided with a slash, rather than on two separate lines; we’ll restore them to proper couplet-hood on this end.

Deadline is Saturday, May 25, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 30.

The winner gets this weirdly political birthday card, dating from c. 2005 and issued by Carlton Cards, evidently a bolder division of American Greetings. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.


Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.


Wry Bred: The ‘grandfoals’ of Week 70
A month ago, as is our yearly tradition, we gave you the names of 100 horses being considered for this year’s Kentucky Derby, and challenged you to “breed” any two names to come up with a “foal” name that humorously reflected the names of both parents. Two weeks later, as is our yearly tradition, we challenged you to take any of the 100 winning foal names and breed them to create grandfoal names.

You entered a lot, more than a dozen hundred entries (journalists are required by law to describe quantities by the dozen — and also distances by football fields). And you nailed this one, again. Again, the Empress and Czar bloodied their knuckles, the floor, the walls, the ceiling with the savagery of cuts to unquestionably worthy offerings, to get down to a manageable 80 or so inking entries that we present below.

The best entry that failed to get individual credit because too many people thought of it: Shiva Me Timbers x Hardonnay = Mourning Wood

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Third runner-up: Breed Willy Wanka with BBQAnon and name the foal Stroke of 4Chan (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Second runner-up: Shiva Me Timbers x De Beers = Davy Jones’ Lager (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up: Tryst Fund x Be Ess = “Legal Expenses” (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

And the winner of the cat butt magnets:
Peter Rose x Famous Anus = You Bet Your Ass (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)


Out of the Punning: Honorable mentions
Grrrder x Counterfatter = Grrrdle (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

This Just In x = Is It In Yet? (Steve Honley, Washington, D.C.)

Suks x Nosh = Bites (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Ghosted x Leak House = I Pee Dead People (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Godiva x Go Away! = Diva (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Hell MNOP x Suks = Hell MNOPause (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

David Copper x Styx With It = Cu in Hell (Chris Doyle)

Hell MNOP x Ghosted = QRST KilledTheCat (Jesse Frankovich)

Peter Rose x All-Day Sucker = Petey Barnum (Neil Kurland)

Willy Wanka x All-Day Sucker = Onan Onan On (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

De Beers x TheWrightBrothels = HouseOfAleRepute (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

De Beers x Famous Anus = Heinieken (Steve Price, New York)

Drunk and Orderly x At the Buzzard = KeepCalmAndCarrion (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jonathan Paul)

BBQAnon x By the Toe = Hallux Jones (Chris Doyle)

Be Ess x Reese’s Feces = Be Em (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Go Away! x Willy Wanka = Beat It! (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va; Jonathan Jensen)

Buzz Aldrin x Courtesy Flush = Number Two (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.; Jonathan Jensen; Mike Hammer)

TheWrightBrothels x = WhoresWithNoName (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.; Jesse Frankovich)

Châteauneuf DuPeep x By the Toe = Chateau LaFeet (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

ConceivedInLiberty x Have a Nice Nay = Conceived in Texas (Mark Raffman)

Peter Rose x = Bettor Left Unsaid (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

De Beers x Famous Anus = Anheuser Tush (Steve Price)

Six-Pack Abes x Pooperstown = Lincoln Logs (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Mike Hammer)

Six-Pack Abes x De Beers = Lincoln Lagers (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Willy Wanka x Famous Anus = Tugger Carlson (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Xana-don’t x Hardonnay = Kublai Kan’t (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

I Know My Wrights! x Toot Sweet = Frank Cloyed (Jesse Frankovich)

This Just In x Your Entry Stank = Dreck Deposit (Jesse Frankovich)

All-Day Sucker x Reese’s Feces = Lolliplop (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Belly Lugosi x Standby Your Man = Tummy Wynette (Steve Price)

Ponce de Freon x Standby Your Man = Clammy Wynette (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Belly Lugosi x Suks = AbHorrorsAVacuum (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Get the Plunger x By the Toe = Clogs (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

Famous Anus x Hops = Keister Bunny (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Gotta Halve It x Gore = WTF, Solomon? (Stephen Dudzik)

Hath No Fury x Styx With It = Calm Sail Away (Andrew Rosenberg)

Xana-don’t x Hath No Fury = Xana-x (Jonathan Hardis, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Hops x Pooperstown = Also Trots & Runs (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Magnum, PIN x Your Entry Stank = Magnum O’Pus (Pam Sweeney)

OneScytheFitsAll x Möbius Trip = OneSideFitsAll (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Leak House x Chevy Impaler = Urinal AutoTrouble (Frank Osen)

Razor Thin Mints x Reese’s Feces = Skip THAT House! (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

He Who Smelted It x Nosh = Ore d’Oeuvres (Jonathan Paul)

Vladimir Tootin x De Beers = Bock in the USSR (Chris Doyle)

All-Day Sucker x ’Tis My Hero = All-Day Succor (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

’Tis My Hero x Frottage Industry = Tease My Hero (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

BBQAnon x = Nothingburger (Jonathan Paul)

x Gotta Halve It = Still (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Africadabra x Dorbell = Kenya Get That? (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.; Jesse Frankovich; Frank Osen)

All-Day Sucker x One Rude Scent = Lolly Gagger (Bill Dorner; Mike Hammer)

Junior High x At the Buzzard = Picking on Me (Judy Freed)

Frottage Industry x BBQAnon = Dry Rub (Tom Witte)

Willy Wanka x BBQAnon = Pulled Pork (Pam Sweeney)

Belly Lugosi x Counterfatter = Draculard (Larry Rifkin)

Blob the Builder x Dorbell = Ooze There? (Eric Nelkin)

Buzz Aldrin x Standby Your Man = OneSmallStepfordMa (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

By the Toe x Leak House = Wee Wee Wee (Mark Raffman)

By the Toe x Ponce de Freon = A Kick in de Ponce (Diana Oertel)

Shiva Me Timbers x By the Toe = Pall Bunion (Jeff Shirley; Judy Freed)

ConceivedInLiberty x Counterfatter = Live Free or Diet (Chris Doyle)

ConceivedInLiberty x Knead It = Born and Bread (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

ConceivedInLiberty x Working Mime to 5 = Dolly Partum (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

De Beers x Godiva = DiamondInTheBuff (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

I Want S’more x Drunk and Orderly = S’nore (Sarah Walsh)

Neat-O x Famous Anus = Tidy Bowel (Frank Osen)

Famous Anus x Pounce de Leon = A-hole New World (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Famous Anus x Your Entry Stank = Your Exit’s Worse (Brian Cohen)

Ghosted x Razor Thin Mints = GhoulScoutCookies (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Gore x One Rude Scent = Inconvenient Toot (Eric Nelkin)

Go Away! x Gotta Halve It = Cleave Me Alone! (Karen Lambert)

Junior High x One Rude Scent = PUberty (Eric Nelkin)

Ponce de Freon x Neat-O = Cool! (Tom Witte)

One Rude Scent x So Nada = Calvin DeKlein (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Flush Gordon x Get the Plunger = Got Gordon Back (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

Pitching Woo x Willy Wanka = Romancing the Bone (Jeff Hazle)

And Last: Peter Rose x Your Entry Stank = Peter Fell (Jeff Rackow)

The headline “Wry Bred” is by both Brian Cohen and Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 18: our Week 71 contest to write multiple-choice questions in the style of the ones on NPR’s “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” with host Peter Sagal weighing in with his favorites. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Duncan Stevens)
Examples: (Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens; Duncan Stevens)
Title: (Brian Cohen; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
Add:H:1588: ()
VisibleInk!