The Invitational Week 71: Wait Wait Right Here!
Write some 'Not My Job' questions à la the NPR quiz show — and host Peter Sagal will help us judge. Plus winning replacements for tired cliches.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 09, 2024
20th Anniversary Party For "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!"
Hello. As you may know, Peter Sagal, host of of NPR’s “Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” the weekly program that’s a cross between a current-events quiz show and the Algonquin Round Table, is a longtime friend of The Gene Pool. He has agreed to help judge this week’s contest, which is, not coincidentally, about “Wait, Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” specifically one of the show’s most popular recurring comic quizzes.

That segment is called “Not My Job,” in which a celebrity is asked multiple-choice questions about something comically different from the celeb’s own field, as when actor Renée Elise Goldsberry was quizzed about buried gold. Each week, the questions sound something like these:

Some schools do their utmost to protect their students — as when, in 2010, an English headmistress did what?
A. She discouraged abductors by issuing every child a stun gun.
B. She changed the school uniform to a padded “marshmallow suit” to cushion the kids against bumps and bruises.
C. She ordered black bars placed over the children’s eyes in yearbook pictures, thus ruining the photos for child pornographers.
Correct answer: C (The Daily Mail)

What went wrong when an Iowa farmer recently ran unopposed for the local school board?
A. He resigned immediately after being elected, explaining that he hadn’t realized the job would involve going to meetings.
B. No one voted in the election — even he didn’t.
C. He lost as a result of a campaign by neighborhood kids who encouraged voters to write in SpongeBob SquarePants instead.
Correct Answer: B (Des Moines Register)

For Invitational Week 71: Compose a multiple-choice question about a Ridiculous but True fact or event — recent or historical — along with two entertaining wrong answers as well as the right one, as in the examples above, which were from the one time we did this contest before, in 2016. (They’re by Lawrence McGuire and Duncan Stevens, respectively.) We’re not in a position to fact-check your Real Thing, so you’ll need to show us a credible source for your RBT fact (e.g., a link to Wikipedia or a news story). And you will, of course, tell us the correct answer.

You can hear and read lots of other “Wait Wait” quizzes by clicking on the show’s podcast link here. And see the results of our previous WWDTM contest — they’re classic.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-71. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. (Don’t worry about our usual format of one entry per line; format each entry more or less as in the example above, and don’t forget to note the source of your information.)

The winner gets a piece of NPR swag, autographed by Peter Sagal! We can’t show it to you now because Peter is maniacally combing through his office clutter to find Just The Right Crap.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Stop the Stale! New expressions from Week 69
In Invitational Week 69 we asked you to replace your choice of overused, tired phrases with fresher, more current and/or entertaining ones.

Third runner-up:
Old: The writing’s on the wall.
New: The ketchup’s on the wall. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Second runner-up:
As useful as tits on a bull > As useful as a cup holder on a roller coaster (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up:
Threw him under the bus > Took him to the gravel pit and shot him in the face. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

And the winner of the green plushie neuron:
Pain in the ass > Two-factor authentication. “Madison, stop whining! You’re being a real two-factor authentication today.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Trite, Trite Again: Honorable mentions
Catch a break > Wordle in 2: “The boss never realized you were AWOL? Really Wordled in 2 there.” (Duncan Stevens)

15 minutes of fame > 60 seconds of influence (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The bottom line is … > The sum total of the fuckery is … (Sam Mertens)

All hat and no cattle > All flag and no Constitution (Leif Picoult)

He has one foot in the grave > He might as well boo Putin in the Duma (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic > Replacing the House Speaker (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

The devil is in the details > The devil is in Page 2 of the Google results (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

More bang for the buck > More whoopee for the rupee (Duncan Stevens)

The straight and narrow > The hetero and cis (Kevin Dopart)

He’s getting nowhere > He’s talking on Mute (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

The elephant in the room > the farter in the courtroom (Chris Doyle)

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer > Not even the sharpest spoon in the drawer (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

He thinks he’s God’s gift to women > He thinks he’s a “star” (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Like a bat out of Hell > Like a bat out of Wuhan (Kevin Dopart)

She let the cat out of the bag > Her cat felt like leaving the bag, I guess (Michael Stein)

A riddle wrapped in an enigma > A riddle wrapped in clamshell packaging (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

It goes without saying that … > It’s obvious as a bloody stool that … (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

I would bet the farm > I’d max out my FanDuel account (Lee Graham)

Low-hanging fruit > a Monday crossword. “You’re selling your kid’s Girl Scout cookies outside the cannabis dispensary? That is so Monday-crossword.” (Chris Doyle)

Kill two birds with one stone > Eradicate two ecosystems with one executive order (Kevin Dopart)

It is what it is > It’s the paradigmatic tautology (David Franks, Washington County, Ark.)

At the end of the day > At the end of days — Speaker Mike Johnson (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Like a bat out of hell > Like a gull to a french fry (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Run around like a chicken with its head cut off > Play for the Wizards (Leif Picoult)

We’re in the same boat > We’re under the same bus (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Went over like a lead balloon > Went over like a porcupine petting zoo (Jonathan Jensen)

The shit hit the fan > The Mentos fell in the Coke (Sam Mertens)

Bark up the wrong tree > Blame it on George Soros (Chris Doyle)

Talk turkey > Talk Türkiye (Kevin Dopart)

The chickens have come home to roost > The bird flu carriers are here (Sam Mertens)

Up the creek without a paddle > On the can with just one square (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Watching paint dry > Watching your iOS update (Kevin Dopart)

Costs an arm and a leg > Costs more than Bezos makes in a whole minute (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

The headline “Stop the Stale!” is by Tom Witte; both Kevin Dopart and Beverley Sharp submitted the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 11: our Week 70 “grandfoal” wordplay contest to “breed” the winning foal names of Week 68. Click on the link below.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart; Beverley Sharp)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!