The Invitational Week 70: Colt Fusion
Because of our munificence and guilt, you get a full hundred foal names to 'breed' for 'grandfoals'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 02, 2024

Screenshot of two kissy steeds we saw on a Facebook video.
Hello. Welcome to the finish line of the 31st Invitational Derby. As always, we challenged you to “breed” any two names from a list of 100 three-year-old racehorses initially considered for this year’s Kentucky Derby . . . and then name the foal.

As always, there was a hemorrhage of entries, 1,769 of them, a daunting proportion of which were excellent. The Empress and The Czar made their first ruthless cut, eliminating all but the very, very, unquestionably best, thinking perhaps they had trimmed it to manageable length. Alas, they found they’d wound up with 260 names, far, far more than what the page and your patience could bear.

The Em and Cz then went back in, with gloves and goggles and chainsaws. It was an abattoir. Blood and flesh and bone fragments flew everywhere. And we still had 138. We felt the way Kristi Noem should have felt in dragging her puppy to the gravel pit. So we capitulated to ourselves. And now you get the benefit of our guilt, and lack of spine or bloodlust. We are running 100 inking entries instead of the usual sixty-five or seventy.

Which sets you up generously for the annual spinoff:

For Invitational Week 70: “Breed” any two of today’s inking foal names and give the “grandfoal” a name that reflects both names, just as the foal names do. We even have a nice printable list of this week’s foals right here (or type in tinyurl.com/inv-list-70).

Just as with the Week 68 contest (and in real horse racing), a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces; those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but the name should be easy to read.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-70. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

The winner gets three adorable one-inch-long magnets each depicting the latter half of a cat — so it looks as if their front halves have burst into your refrigerator, filing cabinet, coffin, etc. Donated by the ever-donating Dave Prevar.


They get into everything. The winning grandfoal gets three half-cats.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Sire Mix-a-Lot: The foal names of Week 68
This Saturday is the 150th running of the Kentucky Derby, America’s oldest continually held major sporting event (The Invitational is second). Ten of the horses we cast into double-stud service today (they’re all male) are scheduled to run; be sure to root for them in gratitude.

Ninety-eight of the 1,769 foals from Week 68 were sired by Awesome Wind, this year’s busiest Invite dad. Thanks yet again to Loser Jonathan Hardis, who wrote a program back in 2015 to sort all the entries and otherwise wrestle them into a giant anonymous list, thus letting us judge this contest and the grandfoals every year without defenestrating ourselves.

Among the excellent entries too frequently entered to give individual ink to: Count Dracula x Generous Tipper = Blood and Gore; Pirate x Shards = Long John Sliver; Antiquarian x Awesome Wind = Old Fart; Dickens x Secret Lover = Oliver Tryst; Awesome Wind x Marceau = Silent but Deadly. (Don’t use any of those names in this week’s grandfoal contest.)

Third Runner-Up: Mr. Suds x Sequential = Drunk and Orderly (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.)

Second Runner-Up: Indispensable x For Your Pleasure = Knead It (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

First Runner-up: Count Dracula x Awesome Wind = Vladimir Tootin (Rebecca Foster, Falls Church, Va.)

And the winner of the pepperoni pizza earrings:
Dornoch x Next Level = Dorbell (Seth Christenfeld, Briarcliff Manor, N.Y.)


Give It a Whirl x Eliminate = Honorable mentions
Mister Lincoln x Skip the Line = Skip the Play (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Triple Espresso x Rocketeer = Buzz Aldrin (Ted Weitzman, Olney, Md.)

Awesome Wind x Candymaker = Toot Sweet (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

Awesome Wind x Generous Tipper = Zephyr Me? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Awesome Wind x Just Steel = He Who Smelted It (Doug Hembrey, Manassas, Va.)

Awesome Wind x One Red Cent = One Rude Scent (Tom Witte)

Banned for Life x Daily Grind = Persona Non Grater (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Banned for Life x Dornoch = Go Away! (Hildy Zampella, Sarasota, Fla.)

Banned for Life x For Your Pleasure = Peter Rose (Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Be You x Mr Fabricator = Be Ess (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Candymaker x Epic Ride = Godiva (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.)

Candymaker x Banned for Life = See’s and Desist (Mary McNamara, Washington, D.C.)

Candymaker x Eliminate = Reese’s Feces (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Candymaker x Hancock = Willy Wanka (Tom Witte; Brian Cohen; Jeffrey Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Catch a Tiger x Footprint = By the Toe (Rebecca Foster)

Fifth Avenue x Liberal Arts = Saks Education (Mia Wyatt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Count Dracula x Fifth Avenue = Suks (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

Count Dracula x Fifth Avenue = Vampire State Bldg (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Count Dracula x Uncle Heavy = Belly Lugosi (Mary McNamara)

Crushed It x Give It a Whirl = Crushed Ti (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Crushed It x Pirate = Skillz+ Crossbones (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Dickens x Eliminate = Leak House (Steve Price, New York)

Dickens x One Red Cent = David Copper (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Dickens x One Red Cent = Nicholas Pennyby (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Dickens x One Sharp Cookie = I Want S’more (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

Domestic Product x Just a Touch = Frottage Industry (Jonathan Paul)

Dornoch x Secret Lover = Ho’s There (Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Eliminate x El Grande = Get the Plunger (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Eliminate x Rocketeer = Flush Gordon (Rob Wolf)

Endlessly x Count Dracula = All-Day Sucker (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Epic Ride x Count Dracula = Chevy Impaler (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

Epic Ride x For Your Pleasure = Space Mountin’ (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Epic Ride x Mr Fabricator = The Phony Express (Jonathan Paul)

Evening News x For Your Pleasure = This Just In (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)

Feel the Magic x Just a Touch = Slight of Hand (Judy Freed)

Fierceness x Just Steel = Grrrder (Pamela Love, Columbia, Md.)

Fifth Avenue x Mr. Suds = De Beers (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Forever Young x Catch a Tiger = Pounce de Leon (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.; Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)

Forever Young x Uncle Heavy = Paunch de Leon (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Forever Young x Frost Free = Ponce de Freon (Steve Smith)

Forever Young x Mannerly = Fountain of Couth (Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)

Generous Tipper x Count Dracula = Gore (Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.)

Gettysburg Address x Candymaker = Four Skor (Seth Christenfeld)

Gettysburg Address x Lonesome Boy = 4 Scores in 7 Yrs (Mark Raffman)

Gettysburg Address x Secret Lover = ConceivedInLiberty (Diana Oertel)

Give It a Whirl x Domestic Product = Ferris Weal (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Hades x Evening News = Damned Rather (Mary McNamara)

Hades x Nice and Good = Hath No Fury (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.; Jeffrey Rackow)

Hades x Nice and Good = Heck (Rob Wolf)

Hades x Resilience = Styx With It (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Hades x Sequential = Hell MNOP (Charles Trahan, Columbia, Md.)

Hades x Sneak Preview = Junior High (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Hall of Fame x Eliminate = Pooperstown (Jesse Frankovich, traveling in Lexington, Ky.)

Indispensable x Jigsaw = Gotta Halve It (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Just a Touch x Common Defense = WhenYou’reFamous… (Jon Gearhart)

Just Steel x One Sharp Cookie = Razor Thin Mints (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

Kitty Hawk x For Your Pleasure = TheWrightBrothels (Steve Price)

Kitty Hawk x Legalize = I Know My Wrights! (Stephen Dudzik)

Mannerly x Give It a Whirl = Courtesy Flush (Mark Raffman)

Mannerly x Skip the Line = Please and Queues (Jesse Rifkin)

Skip the Line x Sequential = Seuential (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Mannerly x Vote No = Have a Nice Nay (Judy Freed)

Marceau x Daily Grind = Working Mime to 5 (Brian Cohen)

Marceau x Secret Chat = (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Mike Gips)

Moonlight x Vote No = So Nada (Matt Monitto)

Mr. Suds x Mister Lincoln = Six-Pack Abes (Leif Picoult)

Mr. Suds x Skip the Line = Hops (Jeffrey Rackow)

Mr Fabricator x Dickens = Miss Have a Sham (Jeffrey Rackow)

Nash x One Sharp Cookie = Nosh (Seth Christenfeld)

Neat x Midnight Love = Neat-O (Tom Witte)

No More Time x Reaper = At the Buzzard (Jeff Hazle)

One Sharp Cookie x Eliminate = Famous Anus (Brian Cohen)

Prints Money x Uncle Heavy = Counterfatter (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Reaper x Pirate = Shiva Me Timbers (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

Reaper x Works for Me = OneScytheFitsAll (Jonathan Paul)

Rocketeer x Neat = Straight Up (Mark Raffman)

Secret Lover x The Wine Steward = Zinfidelity (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Sequential x Mr Fabricator = Fibbin’acci (Matt Monitto)

Sierra Leone x Feel the Magic = Africadabra (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Slider x Secret Lover = Pitching Woo (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Stoke the Fire x Mr Fabricator = BBQAnon (Stephen Dudzik)

The Wine Steward x Brawn = Brut Force (Diana Oertel)

The Wine Steward x Candymaker = Châteauneuf DuPeep (Frank Osen)

The Wine Steward x Just Steel = Hardonnay (Jeff Shirley)

The Wine Steward x T O Password = Magnum, PIN (David Peckarsky, Tucson, Ariz.)

Tiz My Hero x Perfectify = ’Tis My Hero (Mark Raffman)

Tourist x Endlessly = Möbius Trip (Jesse Frankovich)

Track Phantom x Lonesome Boy = Ghosted (Steve Geist, Mechanicsville, Md.; Malcolm Fleschner)

Trust Fund x Secret Lover = Tryst Fund (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.; Tom Witte)

Two Tons of Fun x Generous Tipper = Lardgesse (Tom Witte)

Utopian x Count Dracula = Fangri-La (Laurie Brink)

Uncle Heavy x Mr Fabricator = Blob the Builder (Frank Osen; Ted Weitzman)

Utopian x Vote No = Xana-don’t (Jeffrey Rackow)

Waitlist x Generous Tipper = Table Just Opened! (Jon Gearhart)

Waitlist x Tiz My Hero = Standby Your Man (Jeff Contompasis)

And Last: Eliminate x Give Me a Reason = Your Entry Stank (Rob Cohen)

The headline “Sire Mix-a-Lot” is by Jesse Frankovich; Dave Prevar wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, May 4: our Week 69 contest to replace tired old expressions with fresh ones. Click on the link below.

Special clarifying note from the Czar about Week 69. Listen up: A Loser wrote in to us about the ongoing “Trite Stuff” contest, asking for a clarification on what we meant by specifying “no aphorisms.”

Here’s what we meant: We meant we don’t want you to update old sayings or old saws that are so old you don’t read or hear them much anymore, like “an apple a day keeps the doctor away,” or “a stitch in time saves nine,” or “early to bed, early to rise…” Instead, we’re looking for expressions — even full sentences — that are used way too often today. Things we cringe at hearing. Most are trendy, like the examples we gave: “Walk us through” a document. “Drill down” to further examine an issue. Have something happen “in the wake of” something that happened before. Replace the quoted words, phrases, sentences with something new and funny. Okay? Cool.

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Dave Prevar)
Prize: (Dave Prevar)
Add:H:1588: (Jonathan Hardis)
VisibleInk!