The Invitational Week 68: Pun for the Roses
Our annual crazy-popular horse 'breeding' wordplay contest. Plus winning anagrams.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
APR 18, 2024

From a 1938 Kentucky Derby advertising poster. War Admiral’s sire: Man O’ War. (Not Invite-level clever.)
Breed Triple Crown nominees Gettysburg Address and Midnight Love and name their foal Four Scores

Triple Espresso x Next Level = Caffeine^8

Hancock x Stoke the Fire = Stroke the Fire

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Hello.

The Kentucky Derby has been run every single year since 1875. And while we at The Invitational are almost 149 years old ourselves, our “breeding” contest — our most popular contest of the year — has been running for only 29 of them. Our game is based on the tradition of naming racehorses by alluding to the name of either or both parents — e.g., Perfectify, one of this year’s horses, is the son of Above Perfection and Justify — but we take it to the Next Level (another on this year’s list) with puns and other zingy wordplay galore.

For Invitational Week 68: At this link (tinyURL.com/inv-horses-2024) is a list of 100 of the hundreds of 3-year-old thoroughbred racehorses initially considered for the 2024 Triple Crown races: the Kentucky Derby, Preakness Stakes, and Belmont Stakes. “Breed” any two names and name the “foal” to humorously play off both parents’ names, as in the examples above. (Yes, they’re almost all male, so no, they won’t actually be romancing in the future. Anyway, it’s all about the names; we have no interest in the attributes of the actual horses.) You may submit as many as 25 pairings.

On the same link above, beneath the list of the horses’ names: For your Guidance, Inspiration, and Just Plain Entertainment™ are the inking entries from last year’s contest. There are dozens and dozens, so if you’re unfamiliar with our foal contest, you’ll see what we’re looking for. (Last year’s winner, courtesy of Jesse Frankovich: Disarm x I Don’t Get It = Stumped.)

Note these Hard ’n’ Fast Rules!
— As in thoroughbred racing, a name may not exceed 18 characters including spaces, but those characters may include punctuation and numerals. You may run words together to save space, but we strongly favor names that are easy to read (capitalizing the individual words helps).

— Please write each entry in the A x B = C format of the examples above so we can sort the thousands of entries by horse-parent name.

— Don’t give a foal a name that’s also on the list; such an entry never gets ink.

Deadline is Saturday, April 27, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 2, two days before Derby Day.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-68. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

That week’s new contest will be our annual “grandfoal” challenge to breed any two of the winning names. (So if you’re not a yearly Gene Pool subscriber, a measly $5 one-month subscription will let you enter the foal and grandfoal contests, plus get all the other Pool noodles.)

The winner of this year’s Kentucky Derby gets a cool $3.1 million. The winner of our contest gets a cool pair of pizza earrings, complete with clips you can hang them from if your lobes are holeless.


Sorry, not kosher for Passover: This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Maim Brands: The product anagrams of Week 66
In Week 66 we asked you to rearrange the letters of a product or business name, then describe the resulting anagram.

Third runner-up:
FRANK’S HOT SAUCE > ANUS AFTERSHOCK: You definitely don’t want to put this on everything. (Laura Clairmont, Venice, Fla.)

Second runner-up:
ROKU > R U OK? A service that checks on you if you’ve been holed up bingeing TV shows for a week and a half. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up:
GOD BLESS THE USA BIBLE > OBESE BAG’S SHILL DEBUT: A grifter’s attempt to cash in on credulous followers. “And the Lord did command that all of the children of Israel fork over $60 to help their leader float a bond for his porn-star hush-money trial.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Toilet Hunting seated target-shooting game:
CHARMIN > HI, MR. CAN!: New from Procter & Gamble — talking toilet paper! (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)


INVITATIONAL > NO, I AIN’T VITAL: Honorable mentions
KAY JEWELERS > WEASEL JERKY: The restaurant chain that’s de rigueur for dinner dates in Mississippi: “Every kiss begins with Weasel Jerky.” (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

BUDWEISER > WIDE RUBES: The heavy beer for light thinkers. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

LEVI’S > EVILS: Jeans that make your butt look even bigger than you imagined. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

SHELL OIL COMPANY > HEY, MAN, COOL SPILL!: No oil-shaming with our ocean cleanup service! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

TOOTSIE POPS > POOPSIE TOTS: For some reason, the dog seems to like these treats. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

AMAZON PRIME > MAIZE MA PORN: An internet channel where women do naughty things with corncobs. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

APPLE VISION PRO > A NIPPLE PROVISO: A VR set that comes with a porn-only stipulation. (Duncan Stevens)

BANK OF AMERICA > I AM FAKE, CAN ROB: A bot that will helpfully clean out your savings account. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

BUDWEISER > US BE WEIRD: Anheuser-Busch’s new line of tofu-cheese beer. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

BUTTERFINGER > BUTTFINGERER: Let’s just say you shouldn’t pass them out on Halloween. (Jesse Frankovich)

FIRESTONE > RISE OFTEN: Rubber the right way with our boutique condom and ED products. (Kevin Dopart)

CHARMIN ULTRA SOFT > RICH MAN’S FLAT TOUR: Book your visit now to Trump’s penthouse bathroom to see where he does his business. Make checks payable to the State of New York. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

COOL WHIP > LOCO WHIP: A THC-laced dessert topping that goes great on brownies. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

DAVE’S KILLER BREAD > DEVILLED BARK EARS > ABRADED ELK LIVERS: High-fiber spreads for high-fiber toast. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

DIOR > ROID: The ultimate high-fashion bodybuilder’s brief. (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

DUNKIN > UNKIND!: With every donut, we serve up some snide comments about your spare tire. (Beverley Sharp)

FIDELITY INVESTMENTS > INFIDELITY VESTMENTS: Our line of lingerie will yield solid dividends! (Jesse Frankovich)

FROOT LOOPS > STOOLPROOF: Delicious sugary-sweet low-fiber breakfast cereal that’ll block you up for sure. (Jeff Contompasis)

GUINNESS STOUT > IGNEOUS STUNTS: The finest beer for flaming farts. (Chris Doyle)

JELL-O > O-JELL: With this personal lubricant, there’s always room for … everything. (Tom Witte)

Lancôme > CalmOne: Xanax-infused lotions and fragrances. (Chris Doyle)

MERRILL LYNCH, PIERCE, FENNER & SMITH INCORPORATED > PLENTY-HARD ERECTION-CINCH PILLS FOR MERRIER MEN: Perform like a bull! (Jesse Frankovich)

MOLSON BEER > BOOMER LENS: Opticians specializing in geezers’ beer goggles. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

MYPILLOW CLASSIC > I SIMPLY CALL COWS: When counting sheep isn’t working, this model takes it up a level. (Duncan Stevens)

NATURE MADE > MANURED TEA: You said you wanted organic, right? Just don’t let it steep for too long. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

NETFLIX > LEFTNIX: Tucker Carlson’s new streaming service. (Jesse Frankovich)

POP-TARTS > POT PARTS: These pastries’ special filling makes you even hungrier! (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

RALPH LAUREN > HER LUNAR PAL: Feel classy all over and under with designer sanitary pads. (Kevin Dopart)

TRUTH SOCIAL > OR A SHIT CULT: Six of one … (Neal Starkman)

UNDER ARMOUR SPORTSWEAR > MR. POOTER URANUS DRAWERS: Underwear with a methane filter. (Jon Gearhart)

The headline “Maim Brands” is by Jesse Frankovich; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, April 20: our Week 67 contest to move the last letter of a word to the beginning, and define the new word. Click on the link below.

The Invitational Week 67: Bring Up the Rear
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN

InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Jesse Frankovich)
Title: (Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!