The Invitational Week 63: SOTU-Speak
Use words from Biden's State of the Union speech to write some lines for another oration. Plus winning photo captions.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAR 14, 2024

“That one behind me on my left? Don’t you think he would absolutely like to be back home right now with a Snickers — even a lead-smothered one?” This week, combine words from the SOTU into something new and different. (Photo by Matt McClain/The Washington Post)
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For Invitational Week 63: Using only words that President Biden used during his State of the Union address last week, write either a fake passage from a SOTU or a similar speech or … well, anything else: a “quote,” an observation, a joke, a dialogue, a poem, anything. For consistency, please use this special White House transcript, which includes not just Biden’s prepared remarks, but also his off-the-script comments, and even when he misspeaks (“The threat to democracy must be defended [defeated].”)

We have some game rules this week, about how many times you can use a word; whether you can use a different form of the word (if “lies” are in there, can you use “lie”?); the deal on hyphens, capitalization, punctuation, etc. etc. etc. We face the FAQs — and also, thanks to the generous help of Loser Gary Crockett, provide a list of every word Biden said along with the number of times it occurs — at this link right here.

For guidance ’n’ inspiration, see the boffo inking entries from our 2021 Inaugural Address contest.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-63. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as one single paragraph; i.e., don’t push Enter until you’re starting the next entry.

Deadline is Saturday, March 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, March 28.

The winner gets a pair of very tiny earrings that look as if an astonished black cat has burst through each of your earlobes.


They probably won’t yowl or bite: This week’s prize earrings. (Temu.com)
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of eight nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a personal email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for First Offenders.

Presenting Our Snideshow: The photo captions of Week 61
(Photos at tinyurl.com/inv-week-61 )

In Invitational Week 61 we asked for captions for any or all of the six photos below. Picture A prompted many of you to conjure up your fond memories of being on hold with tech support, waiting for Windows to update, etc.

Photo A:

Second runner-up: Sadly, the Wuhan lab was also sloppy with computer viruses. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

“Jim, your camera is turned off. Are you still with us? We’re just about through line item 1410.23.” (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Forensic experts quickly concluded the victim was 67 years old, judging from the width and pattern of that tie. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

For some people, Ozempic works extremely fast. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Photo B:

First runner-up: Bobo didn’t get the memo that Friday was Dress Like a Human Day. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Third runner-up: After the rounds of interviews and a grueling morning of skill assessments, Warren felt he had a good shot at the job — until Dave asked, “What’s with the gorilla suit?” (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Diane finally figured out how to keep her male colleagues from leering at her. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Now streaming on Netflix, “The Planning of the Apes.” (Kevin Dopart)

“C’mon, that’s obviously just a chimponzi scheme.” (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Bongo was having that dream again where he showed up naked to work and everyone was staring. (Eric Nelkin)

“Let’s throw some poo against the wall to see what sticks.” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Allstate Ape is a pretty feeble ripoff of the Geico Gecko. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Bobo raised his fat fingers in dismay, suddenly horrified to get the joke about his wide nostrils. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

It turned out that not every Employee of the Month at Acme Costumes considered it an honor to wear the gorilla suit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)


Photo C:

The giant two-headed flesh-eating worm was fond of partaking of lunch and dinner simultaneously. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Two long-tongued gay men seek privacy. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Inspired by “Get Smart,” CIA scientists developed the Colon of Silence. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.; Tim Livengood, Columbia, Md.)

Smith and Jones duct out for lunch. (Kevin Dopart)

A low-budget take on “The Human Centipede” dispenses with the more controversial anus scenes. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)

As U.S. negotiators worked to extract themselves from Xi Jinping’s “head trap” gag, China completed its takeover of Taiwan. (Steve Smith)

Both men thought Nordstrom’s recruiter had said the jobs were in men’s hosiery. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

“Look, one of us has to go into the worm costume feet first.” (Michael Stein)

Craig and Todd heard they could expand their influence by becoming U-Tubers. (Jesse Frankovich)


Photo D:

And the winner of the dopamine-molecule plushie key chain: It was the best of toms, it was the worst of toms ... — A Tale of Two Kitties (Jesse Frankovich)

“He’s gonna eat it! I pooped in the dog’s dish, and he’s really gonna eat it!” (Mark Raffman)

You can tell whether a cat has been neutered by showing it “kitty porn.” (Mark Raffman)


Photo E:

“What do you think it says about our parenting skills that we have to YouTube ‘How to do “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” ’?” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

“Five fingers on each hand! At least we know we’re not an AI hallucination.” (David Sarokin, Washington, D.C.)

“Yeah, I’d upsize it. You want to catch their eye with your Grindr photo.” (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

As Alice showed how she used a TikTok video to conjure up the devil, Kevin stepped in to explain how she should have done it. (Richard Franklin)

John didn’t feel it was inappropriate to hit on his coworkers, as long as his wedding ring was on his middle finger. (Richard Franklin)

Cosmetics tip: Flat-screen monitor radiation is perfect for drying your nail polish. (Kevin Dopart)


Photo F:

Ghislaine Maxwell conducts job interviews. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

After a hefty meal of beans and broccoli, the Tooting Rombowski Sisters were ready for their audition. (Sam Mertens)

It was the ’70s and we had fresh new ideas about how to break the glass ceiling. (Patrick Huss, New Britain, Pa., a First Offender)

“‘Sesame Street’ is brought to you today by the letter W.” (Eric Nelkin)

It was fun and games at the beginning of the secretarial pool strike, but the scab in the back would get a kick in the face soon enough. (Mark Raffman)

And thus began the firm’s bottom-up reorg. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

At the Literalist Society of America, workers get their asses in gear. (Steve Smith)

Even in the face of severe supply chain disruptions, Peloton continued to offer online classes. (Kevin Dopart)

“Well, what did you expect when you applied for a job at Schwinn?” (Lee Graham; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

“Dryland Synchronized Swimming Club of Manhattan. How may I direct your call?” (Steve Smith)

The headline “Presenting Our Snideshow” is by Tom Witte.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, March 16: Our Week 62 contest for novel ways to stress yourself out. Click on the link below.


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