The Invitational Week 59: Why the #$%#$% Not?
The Washington Post is looking for some bold ideas — let's show it some! Plus: Winning bad ideas for books and movies.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 15, 2024

Instead of all these primaries and debates, with each man insisting he’s in perfect shape while the other’s a doddering weakling, why not just have Trump and Biden go at it in the boxing ring? Winner gets the White House. One’s taller and more of a heavyweight, but doesn’t exactly float like a butterfly …

We owe the inspiration for this week’s Invitational contest to our former longtime employers (and eventual unemployers) The Washington Post: Its opinions department recently announced a new, yearlong project from contributing columnist Daniel Pink, author of several bestselling books about business success and human behavior. The headline isn’t exactly humble: “American imagination needs an adrenaline shot. Here’s how I’ll deliver it.” You can click on the preceding link to read the whole thing, but in a nutshell: Once a month, Pink will post the question “Why Not …”— with a suggestion to which most people would respond “Whoa” or at least “Hmm.” A few examples he offers: Why not pay all schoolteachers at least $100,000 a year? Why not give presents on your birthday, rather than receive them? Why not move Congress to a rotating selection of cities?

From there, he says, he’ll studiously weigh the pros and cons, costs and benefits, hugs and kisses, and — and this is the ultimate goal, we’d think — invite lots of spirited discussion in the comments thread, sharing links throughout social media, etc. He even invites readers to submit their own provocative ideas.

Ha, you see where we’re going. For Invitational Week 59: Send us a humorous Why Not? question, as in the Donald/Joe example above and those below. You could accompany it with a brief pitch (up to seventy-five words or so), as above, or your idea might be so hilarious that just stating it would be enough. Um, no, we won’t be judging the ideas by how feasible they are.

Consider these, which we just made up:

Why not have newspapers make their newsprint edible and tasty? You could have different flavors for the different sections, like Nacho Sports and Kombucha Style. There’d finally be a reason for people to pay for the print paper other than to save Grandma’s obit.

Why not equip cars with driver’s-seat toilets, and drive pantsless? It would save time, avoid “emergencies,” give our butts a chance to breathe.

Why not just pass a law requiring that God show Himself, to settle the question once and for all?

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-59. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. Also as usual, please submit each individual entry as a single line; i.e., don’t push Enter in the middle of your joke.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 24, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 29.

The winner gets the Butt Station, an elegant desk set consisting of a tape dispenser/ pen holder in the shape of a Gumby-green humanoid sitting on a toilet. Also, its keister is magnetized to scoop up paper clips from the toilet underneath. If your employer has forced you to slog to the office so that you can attend Zoom meetings with other people in the building, this ensemble makes just the right statement. Donated by Kathy Sheeran.

At least it’s tape and not Charmin. This week’s prize desk set.

Acadummy Awards: Bad ideas for movies and books from Week 57
In Invitational Week 57 we asked you simply for bad ideas for books or movies — the title, the casting, the plot, whatever.

Third runner-up:
Proctology: A Scratch-and-Sniff Guide. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Second runner-up:
This Is Literally Spinal Tap: A video of Rob Reiner having a lumbar puncture. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

First runner-up:
Jaws Meets Baby Shark: That ominous dum-dum-dum-dum theme is replaced by . . . (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

And the winner of the Horrible Meeting Bingo notepad:
Self-Esteem for Dummies. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Jest-Cellar List: Honorable mentions
The Koran: The Graphic Version. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

The Little Engine That Never Stood a Chance: The Importance of Accurate Self-Evaluation. (Judy Freed)

A Nightmare on Sesame Street. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Judy Freed)

The Big Nothing: An alternate-history novel set in a universe where the Big Bang never happened. (Gregory Koch, Falls Church, Va.)

All the President’s Men 2024, starring Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, 80 and 79, as themselves. (Steve Smith)

All the President’s Men 2024: Two intrepid Fox News journalists find absolutely no evidence of wrongdoing by Trump or his campaign after an exhaustive minutes-long investigation. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

The Jar Jar Binks Trilogy: The Origin Stories. (Jesse Frankovich)

The audiobook of The Least Frequently Mispronounced Words in the English Language, narrated by Fran Drescher. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

20,000 Really Good Passwords. R9c7wjm2&*@%qR and Y89-@m35Qrsp[% are just some of the highlights! (Duncan Stevens)

A Hundred and Fifty More Shades of Grey. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Huckleberry Fine: Mark Twain’s novel is revised to be historically consistent with Texas and Florida school board guidelines, fondly recounting a boy’s idyllic, strife-free childhood in the Old South. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

The Significance of Microaggression in Grover Cleveland’s Second Term. (Tom Witte)

Citizen Kanye: Reporters scramble to uncover the meaning of anything he says. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Conan the Barber: A documentary about a bodybuilder paying the bills by cutting hair. Many closeups of him admiring his arms in the mirror. (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

Horton Molests a Who. (Jesse Frankovich)

He scored with his remake of “The Producers” — now it’s Mel Brooks’s Silent Movie: The Musical. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Psycho ’24 : During the shower scene, Marion Crane does an impromptu promo for Head & Shoulders. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

The Godfather: After PETA gets involved in this 2024 remake, Jack Woltz finds a live horse sleeping peacefully next to him. (Beverley Sharp)

Old Feller: Two creaky political dogs battle for the presidency in 2024. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

CliffNotes of “The Oxford Textbook of Neurological Surgery.” (Judy Freed)

The Hangover: Dry January. Four friends travel to a cabin in Yell County, Arkansas, for a bachelor party featuring jigsaw puzzles and charades. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Translate “Green Eggs and Ham” into Pig Latin: “Atthay am-i-amsay ! Atthay am-i-amsay! Iyay oday otnay ikelay atthay am-i-amsay!” (Kevin Dopart)

Wikipedia, Vol. 1: Aa-Ab (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Budweiser’s Wassup the Movie. (Jesse Frankovich)

A pop-up edition of Edwin Abbott Abbott’s Flatland. (Jeff Contompasis)

A book on the history of cheese, made entirely of cheese. (Gregory Koch)

The Moosewood Travel Companion Cookbook, featuring eco-conscious roadkill recipes. (Judy Freed)

A collection of all my most amazing daily Wordle results. (Sam Mertens)

Pulp Fiction 2: Instead of a twist contest, Vince and Mia win a cornhole competition (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Very Hung Caterpillar. (Leif Picoult)

Adventures in Eggplant: The Kama Sutra Written in Food Emoji. (Kevin Dopart)

Harry Potter and the Evil, Evil Transgender Activists, by J.K. Rowling. (Duncan Stevens)

“I Am Curious (George)”: The lovable monkey has a very problematic relationship with the man in the yellow hat. (Jonathan Jensen)

How Not to Be an Anti-Racist: A Guide for Florida Teachers. (Mark Raffman)

Grinch 17: How the Grinch Stole Arbor Day. (Duncan Stevens)

Laugh if You Dare: The Funniest Racist Jokes. (Jonathan Jensen)

The Autobiography of ChatGPT. (Steve Smith)

The Dark Side of Mister Rogers: The shocking, never-before-told story of the time he got a parking ticket. (Duncan Stevens)

The Real Housewives of Lake Wobegon. (Perry Beider)

Snot Our Business: Celebrating 100 Years of Kleenex. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Acadummy Awards” is by Mary McNamara; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 17: Our Week 58 contest for sensationalist clickbait headlines for mundane news items. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Mary McNamara)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
VisibleInk!