The Invitational Week 58: Praise the Lurid!
Give us clickbait headlines for mundane stories. Plus winning 'dad jokes' vs. 'grandpa jokes.'
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
FEB 8, 2024

(Fendi/JW Anderson, from the 2022 Paris Fashion Week)
Above, actual men’s sandals displayed in Paris fashion shows. See the winner of Invitational Week 56, below, for a one-word explanation.

New headline: ROCKETS TAKE OUT ACTIVE SHOOTER
Actual story: Houston overcomes 51 points from Russell Westbrook to beat Oklahoma City (Dave Matuskey)

New headline: GOP CONGRESSMAN FOUND DEAD AFTER CALLING FOR PRESIDENT’S IMPEACHMENT
Actual story: Obituary of Lawrence J. Hogan Sr., a House Watergate Committee member who called for Nixon’s impeachment in 1974 (Jon Gearhart)

New headline: FORMER TERROR SUSPECTS CONVERGE ON CITY
Actual story: Reunion of Japanese Americans who were interned during World War II (Frank Osen)

For The Invitational Week 58: Find any real news item or ad published online or in print from Feb. 8 through Feb. 18 — the more boring the better — and give it a headline with more pizzazz, however irresponsible, as in the examples above from a 2017 Invitational. Also, as above, summarize the real story either in a brief sentence or in the form of a bank headline, or subtitle. ***See the entry form for important further directions*** so we don’t bog things down here and can get on to the jokes.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to tinyURL.com/inv-form-58. (Note our new domain name for these short links.) As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form.

Deadline is Saturday, Feb. 17, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Feb. 22.

The winner gets breakfast on us — well, on you, specifically hanging from your ears: a pair each of fried-egg and fried-bacon earrings — mix or match.

And they’re 100 percent cholesterol-free! This week’s prize.

Artful Codgers: ‘Dad jokes’ vs. ‘grandpa jokes’ from Week 56
In Invitational Week 56, inspired by the subversive gramps in Gene’s comic strip “Barney & Clyde,” we asked you for a typical “dad joke” — usually a riddle ending with a wholesome pun that Daddy would like to share with the kids — but also the same riddle answered by edgy Grandpa Ebenezer, who doesn’t care what the kids hear, and maybe thinks they could use a little naughtiness and subversiveness in their lives.

Third runner-up:
What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
Dad joke: A staircase.
Grandpa joke: A corpse in an elevator. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Second runner-up:
A century ago, two brothers decided it was possible to fly.
Dad joke: And as you can see, they were Wright.
Grandpa joke: And boy, were their arms tired when they hit the sidewalk at the bottom of the Empire State Building. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

First runner-up:
How do you make the number 1 disappear?
Dad joke: Add the letter G and it’s “Gone.”
Grandma joke: Flush the damn toilet! (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

And the winner of the “Greatest Farter” T-shirt:
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Dad joke: Philippe Philoppe.
Grandpa joke: Douchebag. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

From Dad to Worse: Honorable mentions
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
Dad: A can’t opener.
Grandpa: A lazy proctologist. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Dan Steinbrocker, Los Angeles)

Dad joke: If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?
Grandpa joke: I had a pig that lost its voice. Maybe it was because I slaughtered it. (Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

What did the sink tell the toilet?
Dad: You look flushed!
Grandpa: You take too much crap. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.; Jon Gearhart)

What did the pepperoni say walking out of the hospital?
Dad: I’m cured.
Grandpa: Holy shit! Would you look at this bill? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

How do you teach kids about taxes?
Dad: Eat 30 percent of their ice cream.
Grandpa: Make them do your taxes. (Leif Picoult)

What kind of shoes do mice wear?
Dad: Squeakers!
Grandpa: Little tiny ones. What did you expect, clown shoes? (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)

How does a lawyer say goodbye?
Dad: Sue you later!
Grandpa: With a $50 phone call. (Leif Picoult)

What friends do you always bring to dinner?
Dad: Your taste buds.
Grandpa: The ones you can sucker into paying your bill. (Beverley Sharp)

What do you call a rude cow?
Dad: Beef jerky.
Grandpa: Grandma. (Jon Gearhart)

Why did the coach go to the bank?
Dad: To get his quarterback.
Grandpa: He had to pay a fine for sexual harassment because of his offensive line. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Why should you never date a tennis player?
Dad: Love means nothing to them.
Grandpa: They think a “good match” is when they whack your balls with a racket for two hours. (Mark Raffman)

What falls while never getting hurt?
Dad: Snow.
Grandpa: The woman in the Life Alert commercial. (Chris Doyle)

What did the Yelp review say about the restaurant on the moon?
Dad: Great food, no atmosphere.
Grandpa: The food tasted like it was from Uranus. (Mark Raffman)

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
Dad: He couldn’t see himself doing it.
Grandpa: He’d already taken the ladies’ locker room attendant job. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

What did the cable say to the elevator?
Dad: “We work together on so many levels.”
Grandpa: “I love it when you go down on me.” (Jon Gearhart)

What goes around the world but never leaves the corner?
Dad: A stamp.
Grandpa: An especially skillful prostitute. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

What gets whiter the dirtier it gets?
Dad: A chalkboard.
Grandpa: MAGA. (Kevin Dopart)

What’s a dog’s favorite part of a house?
Dad: The woof.
Grandpa: Whichever room smells most like someone’s crotch. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

What did one wall say to the other?
Dad: “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
Grandpa: “Are you as plastered as I am?” (Jon Gearhart)

What has one head, one foot, and four legs?
Dad: A bed.
Grandpa: A Chernobyl resident. (Jon Gearhart)

What has two hands, has a round face, and doesn’t get anywhere when it runs?
Dad: A clock.
Grandpa: Chris Christie. (Kevin Dopart)

What has a neck without a head to hold?
Dad: A bottle.
Grandpa: Marie Antoinette. (Chris Doyle)

How do you get a squirrel’s attention?
Dad: Act like a nut.
Grandpa: Show it your nuts. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Beverley Sharp)

The headline “Artful Codgers” is by Chris Doyle; Tom Witte wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Feb. 10: Our Week 57 contest for bad ideas for books or movies. Click on the link below.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Dave Matuskey; Frank Osen; Jon Gearhart)
Title: (Chris Doyle)
Subhead: (Tom Witte)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!