The Invitational Week 50: Nextra! Nextra!
Tell us the funny news events of 2024. Plus bad news spun winningly into humor.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
DEC 14, 2023
A Breakdown Of Shohei Ohtani’s Insane $700 Million Contract
With that $700 million paycheck, look for Shohei Ohtani to do more than just being a star hitter and a star pitcher. The man’s gotta do some work in 2024. (bosshunting.com.au)

The Seers’ Catalog: Our annual Next Year in Review contest
March 28, 2024: On Opening Day, Shohei Ohtani immediately justifies his unprecedented $700 million contract by pitching a shutout for the L.A. Dodgers while also hitting three home runs, nailing a pitch-perfect “Star-Spangled Banner,” and selling a record 243 hot dogs between innings in Section 115.

February: After President Biden slips on a banana peel while walking to the podium for a speech in Portsmouth, N.H., supermarket security footage from that morning surfaces of a woman resembling Vice President Harris furtively purchasing two bunches of Chiquitas.

Not gonna lie — we’re a bit worried about what could happen in 2024. A bit worried as in seriously considering not getting out of bed ever again beginning on the evening of next November 4. But for now, we might as well get the laughs in for The Invitational’s annual Year in Preview chronicle.

This week for Invitational Week 50: Tell us as many as twenty-five humorous events that “happen” in 2024 — as in the examples above by 97-time Loser Malcolm Fleschner, who’s been writing his own Year in Preview calendar each year in his column Culture Schlock, and who inspired the Empress to steal his idea. Write them in present tense.

So how did The Invitational’s 2023 predictions fare? Here’s a sampling from Week 2 (complete results here):

May 6: Harry and Meghan are allowed to attend King Charles III’s coronation, on the condition that they walk behind the royal carriage with brooms and buckets. (Pam Shermeyer) [Only Harry went, sans bucket but shunted to the sidelines]

A new study reveals that 45 percent of the nation’s shirkers are now teleshirking. (Jesse Frankovich)

George Santos tearfully reveals he’s the secret love child of Mahatma Gandhi and Mother Teresa. (Leif Picoult)

And this got it partially right: Tucker Carlson is fired from Fox as being too “woke” when it is revealed that his testicle-tanning machine is solar-powered, using absolutely no fossil fuels. (John Hutchins)

Click here for this week’s entry form. Or go to bit.ly/inv-form-50. As usual, you may submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same form. No special formatting directions except our standard plea that you keep each entry on its own line: i.e., don’t push Enter anywhere within a single entry.

Deadline is Saturday, Dec. 23, at 9 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Dec. 28.

The winner gets, as this annus horribilus horribles its way to its end, this Loserly wooden ornament, which we’ll sign if you like and won’t if you don’t.

Out with the old …: This week’s first prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we’re still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air “freshener” and a personal email from the Empress.

Varnishing Acts: The positive spins of Week 48
In Week 48 we asked you to choose any downbeat sentence or headline from that week’s news, and rewrite it to make it sound like good news.

Third runner-up:
Original: 2 Stabbings in 2 Days at New York City Schools
Spun version: Students Learn to Settle Arguments Without Guns (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Second runner-up:
O: Shopping carts are known to be contaminated with bacteria and viruses.
S: You can boost your immune system while selecting your groceries! (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

First runner-up:
O: Body of Male Juvenile Recovered at Pond in Waukee
S: Middle-Aged Police Officer Has the Body of a Teenager (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

And the winner of the deceptively complimentary tape measure (see description in the Week 48 announcement):
O: Candy company Mars uses cocoa harvested by kids as young as 5 in Ghana
S: Mars Inc. recognized for its work with children (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Glossed Under: Honorable mentions
Original: Shark Sends Swimmers Fleeing in Fear at Popular Australian Surf Spot
Spin: 27 Aussie Swimmers Set New Personal Bests in One Day (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

O: Car crashes through wall of Summerlin bank
S: Summerlin bank now open 24 hours (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

O: Police ramp up citations to reduce interstate traffic problems
S: As holidays approach, police are in a giving mood (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

O: Patriots’ dismal performance reaches historic lows not seen since the 1930s
S: Pats’ season is one for the record books (Frank Osen)

O: People increasingly think it’s over [for DeSantis]. It’s a dumpster fire.
S: DeSantis gives off a lot of warmth on the campaign trail. (Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.)

O: 60 students fall sick due to suspected food poisoning after eating in school mess
S: Here’s one way to avoid gaining that ‘freshman 15’ (Frank Osen)

O: Cheney notes that when she first saw the photo of McCarthy meeting with Trump at Mar-a-Lago on Jan. 28, 2021 … she thought the photograph was a fake, believing “not even Kevin McCarthy could be this craven.”
S: Cheney says McCarthy truly exceeded her expectations. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

O: Southeast Texas and Houston face risk of severe storms, tornadoes
S: Texas line-hung laundry to be washed and dried for free (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

O: If convicted, Patel may be required to forfeit property “in the amount of at least $22,221,454.40, which represents the proceeds of the offense”
S: Amit Patel did not steal $23 million, his defense attorney says. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

O (New York Post): Loud fart sound erupts during John Kerry’s speech at climate panel
S: Methane emissions are front and center at Dubai conference (Frank Osen)

O: Musk told advertisers who have fled his social media platform X over antisemitic content to “Go fuck yourself.”
S: Musk said he hopes his onetime advertisers can find satisfaction elsewhere. (Leif Picoult; Paul Styrene, Olney, Md.; Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

O: Teacher loses it and throws chair after being “disrespected” by students
S: Educator takes novel approach to demonstrating Newton’s First Law (Stu Segal, Southeast U.S.)

O: LAPD patrol car crashes into building, hits pedestrian
S: Police are establishing close contact with the community (Frank Osen)

O: Why Are Nonprofit Hospitals Focused More on Dollars Than Patients?
S: Nonprofit Hospitals Go Green (Leif Picoult)

O: Climate change is pushing Earth toward these 5 disastrous scenarios
S; Climate change debate is close to being resolved (Jon Gearhart)

O: Florida is one of the states now reporting “high” levels of respiratory illnesses.
S: Many find Florida in the winter truly breathtaking. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

O: More people are dying in Puerto Rico as its health-care system crumbles
S: Business climate improves for San Juan funeral homes (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

O: Man attacks woman for not paying for his drink
S: Man boldly challenges traditional gender roles in dating (Jonathan Jensen)

O: Buying guns for criminals: Easy, illegal and ‘extremely difficult’ to stop
S: Gift shopping for that difficult relative? Now it’s a snap (Duncan Stevens)

O: Federal failure could lower financial aid for college students
S: Hiring prospects look bright for McDonald’s near campus (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

O: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-empty stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline.
S: Playing in a cold and steady downpour in front of a half-full stadium, the Patriots continued their joyless decline. (Jesse Frankovich)

The headline “Varnishing Acts” is by Kevin Dopart; Kevin also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 9 p.m. ET Saturday, Dec. 16: Our Week 49 contest for captions to various cartoons, paintings, and photos.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Malcolm Fleschner; Pam Shermeyer; Leif Picoult; Jesse Frankovich; John Hutchins)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (Kevin Dopart)
Prize: ()
VisibleInk!