The Invitational Week 29: Alphabettering
Write a funny sentence containing all 26 letters. Plus winning ideas for best corporate Trump-pandering.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUL 19, 2023
pangram
The English language’s most famous pangram. Now it’s your chance to write a funnier, edgier one in this week’s Invitational, below. (howstuffworks.com)
Hello! For the first time in the storied, seven-month history of The Gene Pool, The Invitational arrives on a Wednesday, instead of on a Thursday. We know what you are thinking: that only something huge and immovable, like Thanksgiving, should cause such a massive rescheduling of such an important element of American culture and national pride as The Gene Pool. Let’s just say we have our reasons.

The Invitational Week 29: Mining Your P’s and Q’s
He’s quickly devouring beans for extra tailwind in jump zone. (Seth Brown)

Zooey just loved a quickie before waxing her armpits. (John Hiles)

Kvetching, flummoxed by job, W. zaps Iraq. (Milo Sauer)

Klutzy carving-up by quack mohels “fixed” a Jew. (Chris Doyle)

Here’s a contest that we did only once before — twenty-one years ago. It’s for a pangram, and we mean its original meaning, not the broader one now used in The New York Times’s Spelling Bee and other word games: For Invitational Week 29: Write a humorous sentence (or very brief multiple sentences) that includes all 26 letters of the alphabet, as in those above from the only previous time we did this contest. There’s not a maximum length, but obviously it’s more clever to get your pangram into a shorter sentence than a long, padded one. But more important, the sentence should be easy to read and should sound like actual English. And don’t forget the funny.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-29. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See the form for how to format your entries.

Deadline is Saturday, July 29, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, Aug. 3.


This week’s winner gets a furry little piece of recent American history. It is a plush, machine-washable “Puss Puss Bar Style Cell Phone Cover” — a relic of a bygone era, possibly from roughly 2006, a time when we apparently thought cellphones were adorable and should be bulky, dangling from your belt (there is a clip) and look like a deformed, footless Winnie-the-Pooh. There is also a hole for an antenna. Puss Puss looks very sad, and his or her eyes are closed. He or she is possibly even deceased. Also, the fur apparently will cover the keypad, an apparent flaw that the manufacturers do not explain or otherwise deal with. According to the attached display card, this is the “1st company to bring Cutting-edge plush technology to Cell Phones, TV Remote Controls, and even staplers.” This fine prize was donated to the Invitational by Kathy Sheeran of Vienna, Va.

Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of ten nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.


Let’s Go Brandin’: Corporate Trumpist-pandering from Week 27
In Week 27 we wondered to what depths companies, organizations, etc., would go were they to be as cravenly pandering to the MAGA cult as most of the GOP continues to be. How might they adjust their products and messages to appeal to the desires, prejudices, ferocities, and ignorances of Trump and his aptly named “base”?

Third runner-up: Impossible Foods unveils a “broccoli,” which is actually made of beef. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

Second runner-up: Discovery Networks replaces all home improvement shows with home eviction shows. (David Kleinbard, Mamaroneck, N.Y.)

First runner-up: The Washington baseball team is renamed the Nationalists. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

And the winner of the U.S. military reprint “The Al-Qaeda Training Manual”: Southern states must pay reparations to the descendants of enslavers because they may have been traumatized by being told that slavery is bad. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Base Medals: Honorable mentions
Mattel announces its biggest doll ever: Barvanka. (Mark Asquino, Santa Fe, N.M.)

Yale changes its slogan from “Lux et Veritas” to “A Lot of People Are Saying.” (Jesse Rifkin)

McDonald’s introduces its new “Point ’n’ Grunt” menu. (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)

Sex toy shops sell chastity belts under the sign “Lock her up! Lock her up!” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Augusta National Golf Course sells burial plots. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Linens ’n Things sells sheets with pre-cut eye holes. (David Kleinbard)

Bergdorf Goodman soundproofs its fitting rooms. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

New golf carts are fitted out with gun racks. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Workout gyms provide golf carts to go from station to station. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Random House prints books on perforated paper to make it easier to remove offending pages. (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

The American Medical Association announces that 239 pounds is the ideal weight for men and for women it would be 105 pounds. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Callaway issues a Baby Seal line of clubs. (David Kleinbard)

Duraflame offers book-shaped logs. (Kevin Dopart)

Hallmark debuts a line of thoughts-and-prayers greeting cards for mass shootings. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Heinz: EZ-Clean Ketchup. Won’t stain your walls. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Home Depot offers a deluxe line of bathroom file cabinets. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Reynolds Wrap would tweet, “Don’t stop at tinfoil hats — we offer full-body protection!” (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Smith & Wesson opens a shooting range on Fifth Avenue. (Chris Doyle)

Smokey Bear’s shovel is replaced with a rake. (Kevin Dopart)

Starbucks offers drinks in Large, Medium, and Small instead of those foreign sizes. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

The National Enquirer runs a copycat of Wordle in which three of the letters are already filled in. (David Kleinbard)

The next Muppet Movie replaces Kermit with Pepe. (Kevin Dopart)

The South Fork Coal Co. has a new slogan for its proposed mine in Virginia: “Take Advantage of the Great Outdoors.” (Diana Oertel)

The VFW offers a preferred membership rate for people who weren’t captured. (Kevin Dopart)

The Westminster Kennel Club holds an annual dogfighting competition. (Kevin Dopart)

Victoria’s Secret adds a “Garb Them by the Pussy” line of lingerie. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

McDonald’s brings back its clown mascot, renaming it Donald McDonald and changing its hair from red to orange. (Lee Graham; Michael Stein)

CVS offers deep-fried statins. (Kevin Dopart)

Stadiums ensure that everyone stands for the national anthem by electrifying the seats to deliver jolts at designated moments. (Jonathan Jensen)

The headline “Let’s Go Brandin’ ” is by Kevin Dopart; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 22: Our Week 28 contest for short poems or jokes using a word from this year’s National Spelling Bee. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-28.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Seth Brown; John Hiles; Milo Sauer; Chris Doyle)
Title: (Kevin Dopart)
Subhead: (William Kennard)
Prize: (Kathy Sheeran)
VisibleInk!