The Invitational Week 27: Their Base Behavior
How might companies pander to T's mob? Plus neologism winners.
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
JUL 6, 2023
Joseph Chamberlain MP.png
Where do you buy a monocle? At the foptician, of course. It’s among the dozens of of F-word neologism winners below in this week’s Invitational results. (Pictured: British statesman Joseph Chamberlain, father of Neville, via Wikipedia)

And now, The Invitational, Week 27: We Go Low
“Jeopardy!” would include a swimsuit competition.

John Deere could introduce a special bird-killing windmill for farmers.

Sharpie would issue a line of map-correction markers.

This week’s contest is based on a political phenomenon squatting all around us like warty gargoyles. Many Republican politicians seem to be convinced that their futures remain tied to Donald Trump; that, despite his vileness, crudeness, ineptitude, illegalities, fecklessness, recklessness, squamousness, pettiness, venality, licentiousness, sebaceous personal preferences and pecadilloes, and bizarre notions about how the world works, they must not only not disavow him, but must even praise and emulate him, to hang on to his “base.” The whole thing has been almost entertaining to watch; they’re like parents making excuses for why it’s okay that little Billy eats bugs and pigeon poop off the sidewalk. Perhaps it’s only a matter of time before other organizations — businesses and other entities worldwide — take the same rusty tack Trumpward.

For Week 27: Tell humorously how some business or organization could alter its product or message to appeal to Trump’s cult, as in the examples above.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-27. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. There’s no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don’t push Enter within a single entry). This way the Empress can shuffle all the entries and not know how many she and the Czar are choosing from any one person.

Deadline is Saturday, July 15, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, July 20.

This week’s winner receives The Al-Qaeda Training Manual — yes, that’s exactly what it is. The 175-page English-language handbook, whose eighteen chapters offer instruction for terrorists-in-training — ranging from assassination methods to advice not to get parking tickets — was found in 2000 by British investigators in Manchester, England, and published in 2006 by the U.S. Air Force Counterproliferation Center and picked up at a conference by Loser Jeff Contompasis, who stresses that it is an unclassified document.


One in the U.S. military’s nifty series of how-to books.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in one of TEN nifty designs. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for a sweet email from the E, plus the Fir Stink for First Ink for those who’ve just lost their Invite virginity.

F’ing Hilarious: Winning neologisms from Week 25
In Week 25 we honored Loser Jesse Frankovich’s 1,000th blot of Invite ink with the traditional honor of Do Our Work for Us: Mr. F got a chance to guest-judge the Invitational contest of his choice. Which was to change a word or phrase by adding one or more F’s, and/or substituting F’s for other letters.

We sent the Merry Frankster the 733 neologism entries sorted alphabetically and totally anonymous; he’s finding out just now, along with you all, who wrote what. Jesse prefaced his choices with this note:

Dear Empress:
Thank you for facilitating the fun-filled function of finding the funny fraction of fresh F-words. First, the flood of foolishness fell to a fairly feasible flock of favorites. Fighting fatigue, I filtered the fringe (with feedback from my fabulous fiancée) before fixing on the featured field of forty-five. Finally, I flagged the four I fancied as the finest.

Fondly,
Jesse

Third runner-up: Suffer solstice: What heralds three months of sweltering in Texas. (Chris Doyle, Denton, yup, Tex.)

Second runner-up: FOMO sapiens: Ancient hominid that went extinct from jealousy, convinced that all the other hominids were having more fun. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

First runner-up: Faker’s dozen: Eleven. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

And the winner of the collection of Jesse Frankovich’s first 500 inking Invitational entries: Feline Dion: Pop diva who topped the charts with “It’s All Coming Back to Meow.” (Chris Doyle)

Please upgrade your subscription from “free” to paid. It’s ridiculously inexpensive. And we will love you unconditionally, despite your lamentable choice of online entertainment.


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F-bombs: Honorable mentions
Fintimidated: Afraid to get in the ocean. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Fuddhist: One who is philosophically opposed to the killing of any living being, except a wabbit. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Ad-fib: Trump’s typical response to being put on the spot. (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Baffleground: The site of a MAGA rally. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Barftender: That true friend who holds your hair back while you’re puking into the toilet. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Carf: What the motion-sick kid riding in the back seat is gonna do. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

Carfooling: Driving in an HOV lane with an inflatable doll. (Chris Doyle)

Cupfakes: Padded bras. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Effiquette: Making sure to send a text the next day. (Duncan Stevens)

Fantiques: The Donny Osmond notebook and Partridge Family lunchbox you found in the attic. (Pam Sweeney, Burlington, Mass.)

Farceny: Stealing somebody else’s joke. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Fatatonic: How Uncle John looks when he’s staring at the game after three helpings of Thanksgiving turkey. (Dave Airozo, Silver Spring, Md.)

Fatisfaction: The feeling you get after eating a pint of Häagen-Dazs. (Edward Gordon, Austin)

Fellow journalism: Petulant backlash against the #MeToo movement. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Fender reveal: A gathering to show off your new car. (Jonathan Jensen)

Festiges: The ticket stubs and booze bottles littering the Lollapalooza grounds on Monday morning. (Pam Shermeyer)

Fetamorphosis: How sheep’s milk becomes cheese. (Tom Witte)

Fidolizing: Adoring your dog above all other beings. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flabrador: A dog that’s been “treated” too well. (Beverley Sharp)

Flagfellation: Extreme patriotism. (Tom Witte)

Flaptop: The attire required for a wardrobe malfunction. (Beverley Sharp)

Flubricated: Full of tea and chicken soup. (Pam Shermeyer)

Flue ribbon: First prize in a chimney sweep competition. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Foblivious: Unaware that your car keys were in your purse the whole time. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Footstraps: What we have to pull ourselves up by, now that we can’t afford boots. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foptician: Where you go for a prescription monocle. (Jonathan Jensen)

Foreflay: How a dominatrix gets clients warmed up. (Chris Doyle)

Foxygen: Air that is used to fan the flames of conspiracy theories. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)

Freefer: They’re giving out samples at the dispensary! (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Furchin: A guy who forgot to shave. (Beverley Sharp)

Fuxtaposition: An arrangement of bodies only seen in adult entertainment. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Harpoof: It’s guaranteed to make the white whale disappear. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Ku Klux Flan: A custard that only uses the whites of the eggs. (Jonathan Jensen)

LendingFree: A short-lived online loan service. (Chris Doyle)

Nufftials: Divorce proceedings. (Neil Kurland)

René Desfartes: “I stink, therefore I am.” (Jonathan Jensen)

Surfeptitious: What you need to be when browsing the Internet on your phone during a staff meeting. (Pam Sweeney)

Text fessage: An admission someone was too cowardly to make in person. (Michael Stein)

Underfear: Anxiety about what your short skirt might be revealing. (Jonathan Jensen)

Failiwick: Someone’s weakness. “She can name horses, but song parodies are her failiwick.” (Pam Shermeyer)

And Last: Follygag: Any of the 653 entries that missed Jesse’s first cut. (Beverley Sharp)

The headline “F’ing Hilarious” is by Tom Witte; William Kennard, Sam Mertens, Kevin Dopart, and Chris Doyle all came up with the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, July 8: Our Week 26 contest to say how any two items on our wacky list are similar or different. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-26.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: ()
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (William Kennard; Sam Mertins; Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle)
Prize: (Jeff Contompasis)
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