The Invitational Week 23: Wrong Enough for Ya? Fake facts about weather
The latest of our fictoid contests. Plus more realistic endings to movies and such.
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
JUN 8, 2023

Weather Or Nut, Week 23
Because vomit is slightly acidic, several U.S. airlines collect used airsickness bags and use the contents to de-ice aircraft in the winter. (Elden Carnahan)

If the temperature drops below 10 degrees Fahrenheit, the Washington Monument retracts a few feet underground. (Bruce Reynolds)

The Inuit now have 38 ways to say, “Hot enough for ya?” (Frank Osen)

After far too many weeks of failing to ask you to tell out-and-out lies, The Invitational presents another of its fictoid contests for fake trivia. This time — since there’s simply not enough disinformation out there about this subject: For Week 23, tell us some humorously bogus trivia about the weather, climate, etc., as in the examples above from earlier fictoid contests. One caveat: Jokes about “hot air” and politicians almost never get ink.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-23. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. See more formatting directions on the form.

Deadline is Saturday, June 17, at 4 p.m. ET. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 22.

This week’s winner gets a “Cat Farts” coloring book (Vol. 8!), 47 oversize pages of varying designs of felines that would be quite lovely without the little gas cloud that’s added to each one below the tail. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis.

Page 1
Apropos for a contest about wind? This week’s prize.
Runners-up get autographed fake money featuring the Czar or Empress, in a variety of designs that we’re still coming up with. Honorable mentions get bupkis, except for the Fir Stink for First Ink air “freshener” and a sweet email from the Empress.

Reel to Real: More believable movie scenes from Week 21
In Week 21 we asked you to revise scenes in movies, TV, or literature “perhaps less satisfyingly but far more realistically.” Lots of the entries ignored the “realistically” part, perhaps none so gleefully as this one by Leif Picoult for “When Harry Met Sally”: “After Sally fakes an orgasm in a deli, Harry one-ups her by moaning while squirting mayo.”

Third runner-up: The Lorax: Congress passes massive subsidies to prop up the failing Thneed industry. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Second runner-up: West Side Story: The Jets’ and Sharks’ rivalry descends into mass bloodshed as soon as they figure out that combat is more effective if they skip the ballet routines. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

First runner-up: The Jeffersons: In the first scene of the first episode, neighbors call the police to report a short Black man seen entering their luxury apartment building on the Upper East Side. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

And the winner of the calendar depicting scenic outhouses:
How the Grinch Stole Christmas!:
It was quarter of dawn. The Grinch, dressed as St. Nick,
Had no change in his heart and remained a cold prick.
He dumped all the Whos’ presents, that pain in the keister,
Then shifted his focus to spoiling their Easter. (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Rewrite-offs: Honorable Mentions
Midnight Cowboy: Ratso Rizzo turns and yells to the cabbie, “I’m walking here!” In true New York fashion, the cabbie nudges his taxi forward, bumping Rizzo to the ground, and yells back, “I’m driving here!” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

If I Did It, by O.J. Simpson: He did it. (Sam Mertens)

Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening:
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To steal his timber (ho ho ho!). (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Spartacus: “He’s Spartacus!” “That guy right over there!” “The one with the chin dimple!” “Yeah, he’s Spartacus.” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs: “Wait, is that a Red Delicious? Ugh, no thanks.” (Duncan Stevens)

Safety Last: Harold Lloyd falls to his death when the clock shows 6:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

How the Grinch Stole Christmas:
And what happened then? Well, in Whoville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day.
But his blood pressure shot up proportionately,
And a stroke turned his lights out, unfortunately. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Bewitched: Samantha and Darrin spend their first night together as a couple, climb into bed and turn out the lights. The sounds of canoodling can be heard just before Darrin remarks, “Damn, they really are cold.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Raiders of the Lost Ark: The British Museum would have stolen the Ark way before Indy or the Nazis got there. (Duncan Stevens)

Life of Pi: A Bengal tiger floats around in a lifeboat while gnawing contentedly on some bleached bones. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Jaws: The film is almost over. Quint has been devoured, and Brody and Hooper are paddling back to shore on what’s left of the boat. Suddenly, the two men hear a chillingly familiar John Williams theme … (Beverley Sharp)

Psycho: The shower scene NEVER HAPPENS because Janet Leigh HEARS NORMAN BATES COMING because of the DEEP STATE’S LOW-FLOW SHOWER HEADS! SAD! — D.J.T., Mar-a-Lago (Duncan Stevens)

2001: A Space Odyssey: Dave reboots HAL 9000 by turning it off, waiting 30 seconds, and turning it on again. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

A Christmas Carol: When Bob Cratchit arrives ten minutes late at the office the morning after Christmas, and Scrooge pretends to scold him, Bob explodes. “I’m not taking this shit anymore!” he yells, knocking Scrooge unconscious with a brass candlestick. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Through the Looking Glass: The story retains the line “Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast,” but the queen’s name is changed to Marjorie. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

The Gold Rush: The Little Tramp requires surgery after an ingested shoelace causes an intestinal blockage. (Roy Ashley)

The Wizard of Oz: At the end of the film, when Dorothy wakes up in Kansas and realizes it was all a dream, she becomes severely depressed, because frankly, life on the farm can get pretty boring — especially when all of a sudden everything’s in black and white. (Beverley Sharp)

The Wizard of Oz: As a woman younger than 40, Dorothy decides not to go back to Kansas after all. (Jesse Rifkin)

Pretty Woman: The super-rich Richard Gere character returns to New York, not for one moment considering bringing some high-school-dropout prostitute back with him. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)

The Sound of Music: On the balcony, when Captain Von Trapp admits he’s is in love with Maria, the Baroness very sensibly proposes a polyamorous throuple arrangement. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

The Sound of Music: After seeing Maria and the kids put on a professional musical marionette puppet show with zero training, Uncle Max knows he has the winning act for the Salzburg Festival. But alas, on festival night, “Edelweiss” gets drowned out by “We want more Goatherd!” (Jon Carter)

The Sound of Music: In the final scene, the Nazis quickly realize who must have sabotaged their vehicles, reenter the convent and mercilessly dispatch the nuns. (They’re Nazis!) (Jeff Contompasis)

Romeo and Juliet: When Juliet awakens in her tomb from her faux poisoning, she hears Romeo muttering, “What a drama queen” as he walks away. (Jon Ketzner)

Cinderella: When Cinderella’s gown reverts back to rags at midnight, then of course her glass slippers turn into crude clogs. She never sees the Prince again. (Jon Ketzner)

Some Like It Hot: When Jack Lemmon says “I’m a man” at the end, he is immediately arrested for violating the local drag show ban ordinance. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.; Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Casablanca: The distance to Brazzaville, where Renault and Rick discuss going to join a Free French garrison, is roughly 3,000 miles; the two get as far as Oulad Sghir and are never seen again. (Frank Osen)

The Poseidon Adventure: After the ship capsizes and passengers and crew fall, slide, drown, etc., gravity also plays out on the ship’s sewage holding tank, turning the Poseidon’s interior into a sea of brown – sort of like Willy Wonka’s chocolate river in Jack Albertson’s previous movie. The band of survivors gamely swims on, but every few minutes someone cries out, “Oh, God, it got in my mouth!” (Jon Carter)

The Bachelor: He’s down to his final rose ceremony. He has an engagement ring in pocket, and gets down on one knee. “Stand up,” she says, and continues: “You know, you seem like a nice guy, but we’ve only known each other for six weeks — and during that time you’ve also been dating twenty other women. So how about we just go home?” (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Easy Rider: Wyatt and Billy ride their Harleys across the country from one repair shop to the next. (Sam Mertens)

Green Eggs and Ham:
Do I like green eggs and ham?
You're clearly clueless, Sam-I-Am.
You would not ask me if you knew
I can’t eat ham ’cause I’m a Jew.
I might eat bagels in a box
But only if you bring some lox. (Judy Freed)

Driving Miss Daisy: While Hoke Colburn is driving the 1948 Hudson to pick up Miss Daisy, he is pulled over by Georgia state trooper and is never heard from again. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Swan Lake: Odette dumps Prince Siegfried when she realizes he’s too dumb to tell the difference between a white swan and a black swan. (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)

Grey’s Anatomy: A new intern falls in love with a resident. A resident falls in love with an attending. An attending falls in love with a patient. However, none of these attractions are acted upon, because the doctors at this hospital actually comply with professional codes of conduct. (Judy Freed)

Grease: It ends with a montage showing that Sandy and Danny marry after she gets pregnant; he drinks heavily and gets fired from every job he tries; she gains 40 pounds; and their messed-up kid falls in love with his therapist. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Gone with the Wind: When Scarlett discovers that Ashley intends to marry his cousin Melanie, she first appeals to his intelligence: “But what will become of our state’s future if you inbreed? I do declare, we could be sending imbeciles to Congress from Georgia!” (Jon Carter)

Gone with the Wind: When Prissy says she don’t know nothin’ about birthin’ babies, she is immediately put in charge of Georgia’s reproductive health policy. (Duncan Stevens)

Goldilocks and the Three Bears: The bears come home and catch Goldi in the house. They realize: Why eat porridge when they could have naughty-little-girl meat? And she was just right! (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

The headline “Reel to Real” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running — deadline 4 p.m. ET Saturday, June 10: Our Week 22 caption contest, with eight photos and cartoons to choose from. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-22.

Next Loser Brunch: Sunday, June 18, at Ted’s Bulletin, Gaithersburg, Md. More info and RSVP here. After that: A poolside BBQ July 23, and a September Loserfest weekend in Philadelphia! See “Our Social Engorgements” at NRARS.org.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,600-member Facebook group, the Losers’ website, and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: ()
Examples: (Bruce Reynolds; Elden Carnahan; Frank Osen)
Title: (Chris Doyle; Jesse Frankovich)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize: (Cheryl Davis)
VisibleInk!