The Invitational Week 20: Rhymes Against Humanity
Plus 'The Undouchables' and other winning 'grandfoal' names
PAT MYERS AND GENE WEINGARTEN
MAY 18, 2023

Rep. Lauren Boebert, the Czar’s muse for this week’s light-verse contest.
Today, as we do every Thursday, we devote the top half of the Gene Pool to The Invitational. But first, we must take a moment to appreciate the Worst Woman of the Week. No, it is not the lady pictured above! She takes third place, and will be mentioned later. The new WWotW is named Tricia Cotham, state legislator from North Carolina. If you do not know about her filthbucketry, you are about to learn. She was elected to her state legislature in 2022 as a pro-choice Democrat, an outspoken advocate for women’s rights. Once she entered the legislature, she announced that she was changing party affiliation to Republican. She would be anti-choice. In this new designation, she became the deciding vote in a new supermajority her defection created, overturning the governor’s veto of a bill (soon to be law) making all abortions, for any reason, illegal after 12 weeks. Kicker: She once had an abortion that she is now making illegal, a fact she had used politically to gain cred, and votes, from the left.

Okay! This week’s Invitational contest, Week 20, is to write a four-line poem about people in the news, using either of two poetic forms that are particularly challenging staples of The Invitational.

The first is the clerihew, a four-line poem with (A) someone’s name in the first line (only the name, or a line ending with the name); (B) the rhyme scheme aabb; and — this is important — (C) meter that varies, often wildly, from line to line. Here is an example by the Czar, based on the legal and marital travails of a certain congresswoman, especially as limned in this article (which you should read to the end).

Boebert (Lauren)
Hates all threats to family values, domestic or foreign,
Except perhaps for those that might happen to be composed
Of nasty divorce, household slapping, underage drinking, mailbox vandalism, and penises indecently exposed.

The second eligible form is the poed, created by Ed Hopkins of Davidsonville, Md., many years ago for The Style Invitational. It’s also a four-line poem: The first line is six one-syllable words, the second is three two-syllable words, the third is two three-syllable words, and the last is one six-syllable word. There must be at least one end-of-line rhyme. Some leeway will be extended to cleverly pertinent made-up words, as in this poed, also by the Czar.

On the air, Trump sat down
Vicious, lying, piggly
Defensive, offensive.
Meretriciousbigly.

You can include a title for either poem if you want to.

Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-20. As usual, you can submit up to 25 entries for this week’s contest, preferably all on the same entry form. And don’t try putting your whole poem onto a single line, as we usually ask for entries; just write them as four lines.

Deadline is Saturday, May 27, at 4 p.m. wherever you are. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, June 1. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the “subscribe” box above.


This week’s prize: (L) Sock One. (R) Sock Two.
This week’s winner gets, apropos of this contest, one of the few pairs of socks in the world to celebrate a character from a world-renowned poem. They are excellent for sitting in the house on a cold, cold, wet day.

The Bridle Registry: Winning ‘Grandfoals’ of Week 18
As The Invitational has done every year since 1995, in Week 16 we listed 100 of the horses nominated for this year’s Triple Crown races and the Losers “bred” pairs of names to name a “foal” that cleverly, often punningly — and often crudely — referred to both “parents.” Then in Week 18, they bred those foal names to make “grandfoals.” Given that this week they were working with names like Shit Show, USS Constipation, Vulveeta, and Wanks a Million, it wasn’t surprising that the grand-names were horses of an off color — we’re glad that Washington Post editors wouldn’t have to wring their hands over these babies. This is, by far, the Gene Pool Invitational with the most entries that would have been assassinated by The Post.

Don’t get the joke in an entry? Ask in the comments below and we’ll explain it and not even sneer.

Third runner-up: Indy Penn Dense x Pole Worker = Undie Porn Dance (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Second runner-up: Pole Worker x Julius Sees Her = Veni Vidi … Veni (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park, Md.)

First runner-up: Why an Apostrophe? x USS Constipation = Colon Won’t Work (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Knit Your Own Dog kit;
Chiseler x Sans Seraph = Michel*****o (Laurie Brink, Mineola, N.Y.)

Just Say Neigh: Honorable Mentions
American Pi x Chiseler = 3.14-Card Monte (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Scat! (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.; Tom Witte)

Julius Sees Her x Double on Tundra = Eye of the Taiga (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

Crash Test Dummies x There Be Geckos = There Be Geico (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

There Be Geckos x 127 Hours = Save 7,620 Percent (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.; Brian Cohen, Winston-Salem, N.C.)

Wanks a Million x 127 Hours = A Long Time Coming (Andrew Rosenberg, Brooklyn, N.Y.)

Bean Franklin x Shit Show = Poo Richard (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Chiseler x Walk = The Adze of March (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Crash Test Dummies x Porn to Run = Mannekinky (Jesse Frankovich, Laingsburg, Mich.)

Crash Test Dummies x Stumped = Hmm Hmm Hmm Hmm (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Deputy Seraph x Julius Sees Her = Eyeshot the Seraph (Laurie Brink)

Eliot Nescafé x Wanks A Million = The Touchables (Steve Price, New York; Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.; Rob Wolf, Gaithersburg, Md.)

Eliot Nescafé x Vulveeta = The Undouchables (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Etude, Brute? X Fonzie Scheme = Julius Greaser (Roy Ashley, Washington, D.C.)

Etude, Brute? x Wedgie Jackson = Executioner’sThong (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

GanDolphini x Rep. Van Winkle = Jersey Snore (Bill Dorner, Wolcott, Conn.)

Go Fly a Kite x C-Note Evil = AHundredTimesNo! (Neil Kurland, Elkridge, Md.)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Mary Poopins (Beverley Sharp)

Go Fly a Kite x Shit Show = Wipe Left (Jon Carter)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Chiseler = Pyrite, Actually (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Double on Tundra = COOOOOOOOLD! (David Peckarsky, Tucson; Duncan Stevens)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Go Fly a Kite = Au Revoir (Jesse Frankovich)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Fort Nuuks (Tim Watts, Great Falls, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x Porn to Run = Trumps Like Us (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = OOOOOOOOLD! (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore; Mike Gips)

GOOOOOOOOLD! X Wanks a Million = Gilty Pleasure (Tim Watts)

GOOOOOOOOLD! x When I'm 2^6 = 7^2-ers (Bernard Brink, Cleveland, Mo.)

Hanky Panky x 127 Hours = AffairToDismember (Jeff Contompasis)

Hanky Panky X Double on Tundra = Lapp Dancers (Roy Ashley)

Hanky Panky x Double on Tundra = NanookieOfTheNorth (Chris Doyle)

King Leer x Pole Worker = Letch Walesa (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.; Larry Rifkin, Glastonbury, Conn.; Jeff Contompasis)

Mr. Kite x Porn Worker = Wind Blown (Rob Wolf)

Pole Worker x Tempest in a K-Cup = Bump and Grind (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Pole Worker x Wanks a Million = Elf-Stimulation (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.; Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = Easy Come, Hard Go (Jesse Frankovich)

Porn to Run x USS Constipation = XXX-Lax (Michael Stein)

Porn to Run x Walk in Water = The Story of Eau (Chris Doyle)

Rep. Van Winkle x Shit Show = Slumber Potty (Jesse Frankovich)

RiddleOfTheSinks x USS Constipation = Stopped Up Again! (Beverley Sharp)

Sanka for Nothing x Tibia Not to Be = Decalf (Frank Osen)

Sanka Ship x Vulveeta = Loose Lips (Rob Wolf)

Sans Seraph x Shit Show = Helveticaca (Laurie Brink)

Stumped x Nuuk Nuuk Nuuk = Inuit All Along (John Winant, Annandale, Va.)

The Stinker x WhoSlicedTheCheese = Farts and Krafts (Tom Witte)

Three Scrooges x Sanka Ship = Tightanic (Karen Lambert)

EnemaOfThePeephole x Wanks a Million = Clean and Jerk (Brian Cohen)

USS Constipation x J. Edgar Hoofer = Clogger (Kevin Dopart)

USS Constipation x Unplugged = ThatShipHasSoiled (Roy Ashley)

Venus de Silo x Willie Maze = The Say Hay Kid (Bernard Brink; Rob Wolf)

Wanks a Million x Founding Farter = John Handcock (Kathy El-Assal, Middleton, Wis.)

Wanks a Million x Go Fly a Kite = Beat It (Mike Hammer, Arlington, Va.; Tom Witte)

WhoSlicedTheCheese x Storm Suer = Odor in the Court (Chris Doyle)

Wedgie Jackson x Hanky Panky = Panties in a Tryst (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The headline “Bridle Registry” is by Jon Carter; Chris Doyle wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running – deadline 9 p.m. Saturday, May 20: Our Week 19 contest to add a pertinent verse to an existing song we’d like to hear some politician (of any era) sing. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-19.

We’re full up for the Losers’ annual Flushies picnic this Saturday afternoon; we’ll let you know the highlights. For details of the June and July Loser brunches at local restaurants, see “Our Social Engorgements” on the Losers’ website, NRARS.org.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Ed Hopkins)
Title:(Jon Carter)
Subhead:(Chris Doyle)
Prize:
VisibleInk!