The Invitational Week 17: The Poops Diorama
Make some funny art with toilet paper, and send us a photo. Plus winning Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions
GENE WEINGARTEN AND PAT MYERS
APR 27, 2023

Last May, The Invitational put forth its homage (or perhaps ummm-age) to The Washington Post’s annual Peeps diorama contest (whose results now run exclusively on TikTok) by asking the Loser Community to create art with the most timely of media: real cicadas, which at the time were in the midst of their every-17-year takeover of the D.C. area, covering the ground with millions of molted exoskeletons to a 24/7 screech-buzz. The contest results were positively Loserly, a delightful mix of gross-out and punning on the “Brood X” onslaught. The winner: “Et Tu, Brood X” by Invite Hall of Famer Kevin Dopart and his wife, Deborah Hensley. (That’s a piece of dill serving as the laurel wreath of Julius Cicada, and a piece of cocktail spear for the dagger.)


The cicadas won’t be back en masse till 2039, but Kevin’s suggested another idea for this year’s photo contest: For Week 17, send us a picture of a witty visual artwork that you have made using toilet paper (in rolls or sheets) and/or their cardboard cores, decorated as you like with other materials, backgrounds, etc. (but not with photo editing). You could even turn the TP into papier-mâché. You can submit as many as 10 photos (even 10 artworks!); feel free to submit two or more photos of your creation from different angles, if that helps us see it better.

Remember that we’re a humor contest and especially value humor (duh), wordplay, and/or topicality. For example, a lovely flower expertly folded from a length of Cottonelle wouldn’t be right for The Invitational: It has to be humorous as well as well crafted. Here are some examples of well-crafted TP art on the web featuring tube creatures and devilishly ornamented whole rolls. (And we can see this becoming the standard warning: Don’t use AI. Use your own hands.)

If you live in the D.C. area — or would like to visit on Saturday afternoon, May 20 — we’d love you to show your inking creations IRL at the Flushies, the Losers’ annual awards potluck. See your personal invitation — yes, even for you — about how to join us (even without toilet paper art in hand).

Here’s one more winner, from a 2018 Invite photo contest, to put googly eyes on something. See, you don’t have to be a master craftsman if you’re a master wordsmith.


Click here for this week’s entry form, or go to bit.ly/inv-form-17. Please read the formatting directions on the form, including what to do if your photos refuse to load to the form.

We’re going to give you as long as we possibly can to do this contest: Deadline is noon ET on Monday, May 8. Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, May 11. You need to be a paying subscriber to The Gene Pool to enter; sign up (just $5 for a month or $50/year) at the “subscribe” box above.

This week’s winner gets an excellent pair of bacon-and-eggs socks: one sock bacon, one sock egg. If you keep kosher, just wear one sock. If you win and come to the Flushies, the Czar and Empress will also bestow upon you an autographed roll of toilet paper.


If you wear them while walking on a really hot sidewalk …

Badaskery: Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions from Week 15
In Week 15 The Invitational honored the great Al Jaffee of Mad Magazine, who’d died that week at age 102, with a contest about one of his trademark features, Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.

Third runner-up: (On Zoom) Am I on mute?
Yes. But thanks to your telepathic skills, we can hear your question. (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)

Second runner-up: Are you the chef?
No, I’m wearing this big white toque to cover the hatchet buried in my skull. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

First runner-up: (In an offended voice) Do you know who I am?
Don’t worry, amnesia is usually temporary. (Jeff Goldberg, Washington, D.C., a First Offender)

And the winner of the sheet of “I Pooped Today” calendar stickers;

Cutting your grass, huh?
No, just taking my lawnmower-shaped goat out for a graze. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Sass-fail: Honorable Mentions
Did you get a haircut?
No, I’m training it to retract when stupid people approach. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)

Are you all waiting to use the restroom?
No, we’re here to guard the door while you go. (Jonathan Jensen)

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: What do I win if I get it right? (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Does this dress make me look fat?
No, just big-boned. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Are you lost?
No, I know exactly where I am, except somebody went and rearranged all the buildings and streets. (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Is that what you’re wearing?
No, that's what you’re wearing – I’m wearing a mirror. (Jon Gearhart)

Are you expecting?
No, I smuggle beagles. (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

Are you expecting?
Yes, I’m expecting another few months of rude questions. (Jonathan Jensen)

Can I ask you a question?
Success! You must be so proud. (Kevin Dopart)

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Driver: Apparently, not fast enough. That’s why you caught up to me. (Frank Mann, Washington, D.C.)

Do you want the extended warranty on the toaster?
Oh, sure – I’ll have such peace of mind knowing that if my $15 toaster is damaged, I won’t have to borrow my friend’s pickup truck to bring it to the toaster repair facility. (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

Local TV reporter to teenage girls entering an arena: Are you excited to be seeing Taylor Swift?
What? We’re here for the Brookings Institution's policy discussion on reforming federal procurement and acquisition policies! (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

Have you heard the Good News?
If it’s that you're leaving my porch, then yes. (Jon Gearhart)

Hey babe, are you a Ginger or a Mary Ann?
Are you a Fred Flintstone or a Barney Rubble? (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Oh, is that your baby?
Well, he is since I kidnapped him. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)

Was I driving too fast, officer?
No, I pulled you over because you haven’t changed your dashboard clock to daylight-saving time. (Jonathan Jensen)

Were you sleeping?
No, I was dead. Thanks for resurrecting me. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

You’re soooo tall. Do you play basketball?
No, I prefer to munch leaves off tree branches before I go to work as the mascot for Toys R Us. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Working hard or hardly working?
Both: I’m being unproductive and I have a huge erection. (Jeff Contompasis)

Are you working hard?
No, this is America – that's a gun in my pocket. (Kevin Dopart)

Are you still showering?
No, I’m sending sweat upward into this newfangled vacuum. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Did you push the button?
No, my appointment’s not till tomorrow – I just want to be first in line for the elevator. (Jon Gearhart)

Did you get your nose pierced?
No, I had my pimple bronzed. (Barbara Turner)

Have you looked everywhere for it?
Well, not everywhere, but I figured it wouldn't be in the stash of vodka in your desk drawer. (Karen Lambert)

Interviewer: How did it feel just now to win the World Series?
Dunno. Still numb from all the steroids. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Is my leaf blower bothering you?
No, I’m wearing these industrial sound-blockers in case a 747 needs to make an emergency landing on our street. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

(To flight attendant) Are we landing?
No, we've run out of fuel. Care for some more coffee before we hit the ground? (Jonathan Jensen,)

Are we there yet?
Yes, but we just kept driving because we like to hear you whine. (Lee Graham, Reston, Va.)

Are you going to eat that?
No, I'm going to engulf it with one of my pseudopods and absorb it. (Kevin Dopart)

Doing some push-ups?
No, I’m trying to nudge the earth back onto its axis. (Leif Picoult)

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Because you saw me eating a donut? (Frank Mann)

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Yes, but she hates it when I use too much tongue. (Lee Graham)

Do you know what she had the nerve to say to me?
I’m guessing it wasn’t “Please don’t bother others with our trivial drama.” (Jon Carter)

Ooh, does that poison ivy itch?
No, I’m just using my skin to file my fingernails. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

There’s a cop behind me – should I pull over?
No, I’m sure he turned his lights on to applaud the witty social commentary of your “F the Police” bumper sticker. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

To husband putting on tie and jacket: Oh, are you going out?
No, going to bed — all my pajamas are in the wash. (Rob Cohen)

And Last: Are you that Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn?
No, I'm the other Jeff Contompasis of Ashburn. That Jeff Contompasis is really annoying because he thinks he's soooo funny. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)

The headline “Badaskery” is by Tom Witte; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running – deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, April 29: Our Week 16 contest to “breed” two racehorses’ names to name a “foal” that refers humorously to both names. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-16.

See more about The Invitational, including our 2,000-member Facebook group and our podcast.


InvisibleInk!
Idea: (Kevin Dopart)
Examples: (Kevin Dopart; Deborah Hensley; Chris Doyle)
Title: (Tom Witte)
Subhead: (Jesse Frankovich)
Prize:
Add:H:1532:
VisibleInk!