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The Invitational Week 12: Mess With Our Heads
Reinterpret any headline by adding a 'bank head' (that's what this is). Plus a reexamination of our 1993 contests.
Pat Myers
and
Gene Weingarten
Mar 23
Toys Toy Story Collectable Vintage Mr Potato Head 1990 | eBay

Real headline: ‘My goal, ultimately, is to get eyeballs’
Invitational bank head: Our exclusive interview with Mr. Potato Head (by Barbara Turner)

Head: Catholic University names president
Bank: ‘Biden, duh’ (Sam Mertens)

For Week 12: Reinterpret some actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the runners-up above from the most recent Mess With Our Heads contest. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 23-April 1, 2023. Include the source and date of the headline so we can verify it; for online stories, please paste that page’s URL after your entry.

This current paragraph, the one beginning now with these words, was not approved by the Empress, who disavows it entirely, and who thinks, but will not say, that The Czar is a moron. But the Czar believes that this “bank head” contest — invented in 2004 by Her Empressness — should be officially renamed the “Tallulah” contest for obvious reasons. It may be a stupid idea, but it does allow us to link to this awful thing, the very worst thing Bert Lahr ever was involved with, merely three years after playing the Cowardly Lion. It’s from a movie called Ship Ahoy. It is not saved by the brilliant drummer Buddy Rich or the brilliant tap dancer Eleanor Powell. Or Red Skelton, for that matter. Nothing can save this.

We’ve ruled on a number of points in the bank head Tallulah bank head contest over the years since the Empress invented it and thus she gets final strike-through editing rights over it: What constitutes a headline? What counts as a substantial part? Can I drop words off the end? (Yes, if it doesn’t totally change the meaning.) How about the middle? (No.) You might consult this paywall-free link to a 2019 Convo with the FAQs.

Click here for this week’s entry form. Please read the EZ formatting directions on the form, so we also don’t have to blahblah them here.

Deadline is 4 p.m. ET Saturday, April 1 (please keep the yuks to the writing rather than pranking the Empress and Czar). Results will run here in The Gene Pool on Thursday, April 6.


How to have buff feet. This week’s prize.
This week’s winner gets these ultra-useful slippers with which you (or, if you have big feet, a junior person) can dust-mop your floor. Or wear them to one of your kickier cocktail parties. If we were you, we’d get a couple of pairs of googly eyes for them.

The results of Week 10 are below, but first, two paragraphs of boring but necessary boilerplate:

After the intro (which you are reading now), there will be some early questions and answers added on – and then I'll keep adding them as the hour progresses and your fever for my opinions grows and multiplies and metastasizes. To see those later Q&As, just refresh your screen every once in a while.

As always, you can also leave comments. They’ll congregate at the bottom of the post, and allow you to annoy and hector each other and talk mostly amongst yourselves. Though we will stop in from time to time.

Just effing do it.

Jesteryear: Revisiting Our Contests From 1993
In Week 10 The Invitational celebrated its 30th anniversary (we were actually at Week 1,528 if you combine both its homes) by inviting the Loser Community to enter contests from our debut year, 1993, but with current references along with timeless ones.

By the way, we heartily welcome suggestions for future contests — given, if things go well, that we’ll need them every single week for a goodly long time. Ahem:

Third runner-up: From Week 19, change a name or phrase by one letter:
There’s no trying in baseball: Title of the Washington Nationals’ playbook. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)

Second runner-up: Week 40, what’s next on the Politically Correct agenda:
“Curious George” is retitled “The Abduction of an Innocent Monkey and Assignation of an Anglo Name by an Exploitive White Man in a Big Yellow Hat That Is Clearly an Attempt to Compensate for His Sexual Impotence.” (Jon Carter, Fredericksburg, Va.)

First runner-up: Week 14, collective nouns:
A sexy negligee of – ahem, I meant a SLIP of Freudian. (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the genuine 1990s Style Invitational prize bumper stickers:
Week 19, change a name by one letter:
Lady Gag: Linda Lovelace’s less successful younger sister. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

’93 Skidoo: Honorable Mentions
Week 2, a new state slogan for Maryland: “We’re the ‘mar’ in Delmarva!” (Jon Carter)

Week 4, “if we can send a man to the moon, why can’t we …” find 11,780 votes in Georgia? Give me a break. – D.J.T., Fla. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

Week 5, “joint legislation” among members of the current Congress: The Harder-DeGette-Risch Act to ensure that the 1 percenters stay the 1 percenters. (Pam Shermeyer)

— The Lesko-Kildee-Buck-Fry-Bacon-Boyle-Bean Act to encourage good ol’ American campfire cooking. (Pam Shermeyer)

Week 7, good names for rock bands: The Jim Jordan Jacket Thieves (Steve Smith)


Rep. Jim Jordan, mostly unsuited.
The Washington Rock Band (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Week 9, vanity license plates: For Liz Cheney: TRE45ON (Kevin Dopart, Washington, D.C.)

Week 13, anagrams of famous people or institutions:
The National Rifle Association > Fanatical loonies are into this (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
The Supreme Court of the United States > Protects the fetus o’er the unsuited ma (Jon Gearhart)
Tucker Carlson = Role: Cuck rants (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)

Week 14, collective nouns:
A belfry of election deniers (Connie Dobbins Akers, Radford, Va.)
— A gut of former athletes (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio, Tex.)
— A ream of sphincters (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
— A tour group of insurrectionists (Kevin Dopart)
— Piles of proctologists (Joan Witte, Lake View Terrace, Calif., a First Offender)
— A sylum of Invitational Losers (Karen Lambert)

Week 18, a new slogan for The Washington Post: All the Advice Columns That Are Fit to Print, and Then Some (Steve Smith)

Week 19, change an expression by one letter:
Supreme Curt: Its dissenting opinions say just “Hell no!” (Judy Freed, Deerfield Beach, Fla.)
— In God We Thrust: A core principle of tantric sex. (Judy Freed)
— Money-lack guarantee: Silicon Valley Bank’s new promotional policy. (Judy Freed)

Week 22, campaign slogans for the next election:
Trump 2024: A Man of Convictions (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
Ron DeSantis: Yes We Ban (Chris Doyle)

Week 24, Ask Backwards: we give the answer, you give the question:
A. Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Madonna.
Q. Who would have been better choices than Amy Coney Barrett for a Supreme Court seat after Ruth Bader Ginsburg died? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Week 29, unfortunate product slogans:
Amazon Echo: We always listen to our customers. (Karen Lambert)
Preparation H: It’s swell! (Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.)

Week 39, new Crayola colors:
CPAC Rainbow: A swirling spectrum of white, ivory, cotton, pearl, cream, eggshell, ecru, and orange. (Jon Carter)


Week 30, interpret ink blots: Pippi Longstocking reading on the toilet. (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)

Week 33, major events as recounted by some particular person:
The Lincoln Assassination, as told by Dr. Seuss
Said the man to his wife, “Let us go to a play!”
Said the wife, “You must not! Please just do what I say!”
But the man said, “I will! It will surely be fun!”
And the play was cut short by a man with a gun,
So the thing you must know: If you care for your life,
Do not go to a play when told “no” by your wife. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

Week 38, Ask Backwards II:
A. Ho Ho Ho.
Q. What is Chi Chi Chi Minh Minh Minh’s first name? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

A. The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis.
Q. Who are two people you shouldn’t address as “Yo, Butthead”? (Duncan Stevens)

Week 40, what’s next on the PC agenda:
Since the word “trigger” itself can actually bring to mind those things that bother sensitive individuals, it will now be known as “the T-word.” (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
— Now that people from the past must be held to today’s moral standards, it’s almost impossible to name a building after someone born before 1995. This will result in 22,000 Malala Yousafzai Elementary Schools. (Jon Carter)

Week 42, a worse thing in life than Washington’s football team:
Being a fan of the team for the 30 years since this contest first appeared. (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

Week 43, what does God look like?
God looks just like Hitler, which HE thinks is hilarious, but most newcomers to Heaven are not amused. (Tom Witte)
— Gosh, I hate to seem immodest, but . . . – G. Santos, Washington (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: Week 33:
The news from October 1929, by Gene Weingarten
A woman who seemed unabashed
Had dog poo she secretly stashed
’Twas only a dollop
The size of a polyp
And Friday the stock market crashed. (Rob Cohen)

The headline “Jesteryear” is by Tom Witte; Kevin Dopart wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.

Still running – deadline 4 p.m. Saturday, March 25: Our Week 11 contest to produce a funny result by asking the AI tool Dall-E 2 to generate a picture. Click here or type in bit.ly/inv-week-11.

InvisibleInk!
Idea:
Examples:(Barbara Turner; Sam Mertens)
Title:(Tom Witte)
Subhead:(Kevin Dopart)
Prize:
VisibleInk!