Style Invitational Week 1496: Same Difference
Tell us how any two items on our weird list are similar or different. Plus results of our conservative-humor contest.
By Pat Myers
July 7, 2022 at 10:02 a.m. EDT
Click here to skip down to the results of our conservative-humor contest.
The difference between being back at the office and the recurring exam dream: At the office, it’s way easier to get back to sleep.
A flushable wipe is like the LIV golf tour: Hold your nose all you want, but you can’t get rid of the residue and stench.
The recurring exam dream Borscht A terrible SNL sketch Cat hair A magnetometer 8 percent inflation A flushable wipe A romance novel Being back at the office Elon Musk Six Supreme Court Justices A hypersonic missile Old Bay A worn-out toothbrush A Style Invitational second-place prize A banned book A period-tracking app The LIV golf tour
The Style Invitational is, of course, beyond compare, but we’re confident that the items above are not. It’s one of our most enduring contests: Tell us humorously how any two (or more) items on the list above are alike or different, as in the examples above; the items were chosen willy-nilly from among hundreds of suggestions that Empress sought from the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook. Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1496 (no capitals in the web address). There’s no special formatting this week except the usual request not to break up any individual entry with a line break (i.e., don’t push Enter within a single entry). This way I can shuffle all the entries and not know how many I’m choosing from any one person. Deadline is Monday, July 18; results appear Aug. 7 in print, Aug. 4 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a brand-new set of 20 assorted Face Coasters, which are nice absorbent squares that each have (a) a photo of someone else’s mouth in one expression or other; and (b) a cut-out spot so you can hang it from your nose, over your personal yap. Donated by Loser Steve Smith.
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Do Wit Right” is by Chris Doyle; Chris and Jon Gearhart both submitted e the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, July 7, at wapo.st/conv1496.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...
Do wit right: Conservative humor from Week 1492
In Week 1492, in response to a skeptical reader’s challenge, the Empress asked for conservative-leaning humor — the first time we’ve run such a contest since 2004. Regular readers of The Style Invitational know that Invite political humor tends to jab firmly with the left, although since the change of administration in 2017, we’ve … nah, the Loser Community still has it in for the GOP every single week.
So could they turn the tables? By “conservative,” the E didn’t mean racist, hateful, truth-denying or stupid (though she did get such “jokes” among the 700-plus entries; sample of one with a demonstrably false premise: “What do you call two members of the Squad? Half a brain”). Instead, the following Q&A and knock-knock jokes aren’t any cheaper shots than the ones we regularly zing from the other side.
Q. What is the main problem with the Democrat Party? A. Its left hand doesn’t know what its far-left hand is doing. (Steve Honley, Washington)
Q. What’s the difference between Trump and Biden? A. Joe’s managing to bring us together — soon nobody will approve of how he’s doing. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
and the boxing-Trump pen:
Q. What do Democrats call a bunch of losers? A. “Persons temporarily experiencing defeat.” (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
Q. How do you spot a liberal wearing cowboy boots? A. He’s holding a trick-or-treat bag. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
Lefty losey: Honorable mentions
How does a liberal clean his gun? He empties out the water. (Leif Picoult)
How can you tell a liberal customer at Starbucks? They ask for a cappuccinx. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
How do you know when your school’s PTA is too liberal? There are signs to “Defund Crossing Guards.” (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)
How is Sen. Cory Booker like an Upton’s Finest? They’re both vegan hotdogs. (Frank Osen)
How does a liberal prove she’s not a racist? By calling someone else a racist. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King who? You don’t know who Martin Luther King is? You’re canceled! (Frank Mann, Washington)
What’s the difference between a conservative and a liberal? A conservative says “NASCAR!” A liberal says “Nasty cars!” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Why do liberals love toothy British smiles? Nobody expects them to be straight and white. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Why shouldn’t you label leftists “fragile”? Because it may trigger them. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
Why were the liberal’s shoes too tight? He was trying to reduce his carbon footprint. (Karen Lambert)
How do Dianne Feinstein and Patrick Leahy try to persuade their Senate colleagues? “As a participant in the original Constitutional Convention, I can assure you …” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
What would you call Sen. Dianne Feinstein going out with Sen. Bernie Sanders? Robbing the cradle. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge, Va.)
What’s the difference between Biden and Trump? Trump knows better than to ride a bicycle. (Frank Osen)
What’s the only branch of the military a leftist would want to join? The U.S. Safe-Space Force. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Did you hear Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s idea for turning out the youth vote? They’ll send everyone voice-mail messages encouraging kids to mail in letters while they listen to the radio and wait for Joe Biden’s whistle-stop train tour. (Duncan Stevens)
A. Biden. Q. Who is the only Hunter the left doesn’t go after? (Gordon Cobb, Marietta, Ga.)
How do you know the California ’49er miners were liberals? They used the proper pronouns referring to “gold in them/their hills.” (Bill Cromwell, Keswick, Va.)
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t we need a permit for that? (Diana Oertel, San Francisco)
What one-piece garments do liberal dancers wear at rehearsal? Leo-special-needs. (Kevin Dopart)
What’s the difference between conservatives and liberals? Conservatives want to eliminate taxes; liberals want to eliminate Texas. (Karen Lambert)
Where do nouveau-riche liberals live? In McPersonsions. (Kevin Dopart)
How can you tell someone from Texas is a liberal? Because they’re from Texas. (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)
Why did the liberal refuse to go to the Amnesty International gala? She didn’t want to be seen carrying the same New Yorker tote bag as someone else. (Karen Lambert)
What did the liberal restaurant owner do when his dishwasher was busted? Hired an immigration lawyer. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
What do you call a liberal at a gun range? A reporter. (Chris Doyle)
What’s the difference between a gallstone and a Biden initiative? A gallstone’s journey is also excruciatingly painful, but it eventually passes. (Frank Osen)
What’s the difference between Republicans and the Washington Commanders? D.C. only has about 50 of each, but at least the Republicans work toward a strong defense. (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)
How liberal is he? He’s so liberal he got a notarized consent form before he played with himself. (Bird Waring)
Q. Hey, longtime Washington Post reader, did you hear the one about Hunter Biden’s laptop? A. Who’s Hunter Biden? (Tom Witte)
And Last: What’s the price of a liberal’s soul? A refrigerator magnet, apparently. (Marty Gold, Arlington, VA.)
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Subhead:(Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart)