Style Invitational Week 1488: Let’s re-recycle!
Come up with humorous uses for products – parachutes! explosion-resistant trash cans – offered at RepurposedMaterialsInc.com.
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By Pat Myers
May 12, 2022 at 10:04 a.m. EDT
(For The Washington Post)
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Click here to skip down to the winning double-entendres.
20 50-foot firehoses with couplings
750 feet of bubble wrap
55-gallon bung barrel
20-foot, 8,000-pound concrete highway barrier
blast-resistant trash can
500 31-inch pieces of rope
300 7-by-9-inch foam food trays
Baking pans for 32 hamburger buns; pack of 5 or of 134
8-by-80-foot roll of artificial turf
500 used burlap coffee bean sacks
The Empress is an almost pathologically thrifty person, one of those people who keep boxes of used jars because they’re perfectly fine and we might have extra zubzubzub and maybe we could turn them into yaddayadda. And so she’s especially captivated by RepurposedMaterials, a nationwide chain of stores offering ginormously wide assortment of surplus goods from construction, manufacturing and military sources. And she’s even recycling this contest — she first ran it in Week 1131 in 2015. This week: Come up with humorous uses for any product or combination of products listed at RepurposedMaterials.com, including but not restricted to the list above. You should account somewhat for the lot size; if you’re getting a 500-pack of rope, don’t suggest something for one little piece.
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1488 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, May 23; results appear June 12 in print, June 9 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives ... but of course, something recycled: It’s a little plastic tray, about 3 by 5 inches, sporting a photo of a young, open-shirted Elvis Presley gazing right up at you. Found in a secondhand store and donated to the Invite by Loser Cheryl Davis.
Recycled into this week's second prize: Elvis on a tray. (Pat Myers/TWP)
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Twinnuendo” was submitted by both Chris Doyle and Tom Witte; Roy Ashley wrote the honorable-mentions subhead.
Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, May 12, at wapo.st/conv1488.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...
Twinnuendo: Double-entendres from Week 1484
Week 1484 was a double-entendre contest; we asked for things you could say in any two situations on a list we supplied. Given the more than 1,600 entries to this contest, it wasn’t surprising that some answers were sent by lots of entrants:
At a gas station and during a Supreme Court session: “It’s pulling way to the right all the time.”
At the gym and in bed: “Remember to wipe off the equipment after you’re done.”
And of course in a religious service and in bed: “Oh my God!”
Not to mention many duplicative “in bed” pairings that wouldn’t have been printable anyway.
4th place:
At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: “It’s all Biden’s fault.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
3rd place:
At the hairstylist and in bed: “Well, so much for your expensive volumizer.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
2nd place
and the vintage “My Cup Punneth Over” Loser mug: At a gas station and at the hairstylist: “Very funny, ha ha – no, I wasn’t under the influence when I did this.” (Karen Lambert, Chevy Chase, Md.)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
At the gym and in the Jan. 6 committee: "Did you really think you could work with that 250-pound dumbbell and not get hurt?” (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
Nolo entendre: Honorable mentions
In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: “I need you to use your inside voice, Marjorie.” (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
In elementary school and during a Supreme Court session: “It’s not nap time, Clarence.” (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)
At a religious service and at the Jan. 6 committee hearing: “Hmmm — I was expecting more people to sing.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.; Dottie Gray, Alexandria, Va.)
At a gas station and to the Jan 6 committee: “We need to take a look under the hood.” (Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)
At a gas station and in bed: “I need you, but I hate the fact that you’re about 10 percent alcohol right now.” (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
At a gas station and on a hike: “Perhaps there’s no cause for concern, but, you know, that bear(’)s watching . . . ” (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
At a gas station and in bed: “Yeah, it shouldn’t leak like that.” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: “It wasn’t my idea – he made me do it!” (Roger Webb, Ashburn, Va., a First Offender)
At the gym and to a telemarketer: “A new personal best — 10 reps today!” (Frank Osen)
At the hairstylist and in bed: “My neighbor highly recommended you.” (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
At a religious service and to the Jan. 6 committee: “I may be here, but I’m not one of those fanatics!” (Karen Lambert)
At the hairstylist and during a Supreme Court session: “I prefer how Ruth used to do it.” (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)
In elementary school and in bed: “How would you like it if someone did that to you?” (Francis Canavan, Reston, Va.)
At a religious service and at a gas station: “Looks like I need to hand over 10 percent of my annual income.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
At a gas station and at the hairstylist: “Hmm, looks like you recently had a nasty blowout.” (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: “You’ve got a leak, but I don’t know where it’s coming from.” (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)
At a gas station and at the hairstylist: “Jeez, whoever put your plugs in didn’t know what they was doin’.” (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
At a religious service and at the Jan. 6 committee: “Give Satan an inch and he’ll become your ruler.” (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
At a religious service and to a telemarketer: “God, what do you want from me?” (Ben Aronin, Washington)
At the gym and in bed: “If you improve your form, you may be able to do more repetitions.” (Henry J. Aaron, Washington)
At the gym and to the Jan. 6 committee: “I feel I really need a shower.” (J.F. Martin, Naples, Fla.)
At the hairstylist and in bed: “You’re kinda receding but I can still work with it.” (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
In bed and at a religious service: “What do you mean I have to wake up now?” (Jean Lightner Norum, Charlottesville, Va.)
To a telemarketer and in bed: I did say up front that I had only three minutes. Bye! (Mark Richardson, Takoma Park, Md.)
At a gas station and at the gym: “I’m here because of a broken belt.” (Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)
At a gas station and to the Jan. 6 committee: “Man, this is going to cost me everything.” (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington)
At a religious service and to the Jan. 6 committee: “Let me tell you more about this magical being who can do no wrong.” (Leif Picoult)
In elementary school and to the Jan. 6 committee: “Today we’re going to learn about Q!” (Ryan Martinez)
At the hairstylist and in bed: “Sure, Bob, I remember you from last time. How are the wife and kids?” (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
At a religious service and on a hike: “No, sweetie! That water isn’t for drinking!” (Sarah Walsh, Rockville)
At the gym and to the Jan. 6 committee: “So what’s it gonna take to make this go away?” (Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City)
In elementary school and during a Supreme Court session: “God, recess can’t get here soon enough!” (Michael Stein, Arlington, Va.)
At a gas station and in bed: “Sorry, only self-service available today.” (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.; Frank Osen)
In elementary school and at the gym: “Hey! I was using that! No fair! That’s my seat! MY SEAT!” (Jon Gearhart)
On a hike and to the Jan. 6 committee: I went to use the toilet but couldn’t because someone left a huge log in it. (Steve Smith)
To a telemarketer and in bed: “You woke me up for THIS?” (Jonathan Jensen)
In elementary school and at the Jan. 6 committee: “Now we’re going to watch a video about bullying.” (Terri Berg Smith)
In bed, in elementary school, at a religious service, at a gas station, at the gym, at the hairstylist, to a telemarketer, on a hike, during a Supreme Court session and to the Jan. 6 committee: “I won the election by a landslide!” — D.J.T. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
Still running — deadline May 16: Our annual “grandfoal” contest to “breed” last week’s winning foal names to make even more puns. See wapo.st/invite1487.
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