Style Invitational Week 1475: Hail to the Commanders!
Write a song or cheer for D.C.'s newly renamed NFL team (or another local institution). Plus winning neologisms.
By Pat Myers
February 10, 2022 at 9:55 a.m. EST
Click here to skip down to the winning Tour de Fours neologisms
Write a song or cheer for the Washington Commanders — or another D.C. institution. (Bob Staake/For The Washington Post)
Hail the Commanders,
Come fill the stands!
Don’t mind the owner,
Or where he puts his hands!
And we have a name! Washington’s football team, formerly known as the Washington Football Team, and before that the Washington Racial Slurs, is now the Commanders. Let’s go, Commies! And since we’ll no longer be singing “Hail to the Racial Slurs,” we need a new song, yes? This week: Write a song (set to any familiar tune) or shouted cheer for the Washington Commanders. OR: Write one for any other D.C. institution, e.g., the Metro, the Senate, the National Zoo, The Washington Post. Loserbard and Style Invitational Hall of Famer Mark Raffman suggested the contest and wrote the fine serenade above. You could even do a video!
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1475 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Feb. 28 (you have an extra week!); results appear March 13 in print, March 10 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives this surprisingly well made pair of turkey-leg-motif high-rise socks. When it’s time to visit the future in-laws for Thanksgiving, what could be more appropriate? They should fit either gender’s feet, though they might not reach over everyone’s knees; the Empress, who models them here, is not a tall bird.
They're the bird's knees: Turkey leg socks, this week's second prize. (Pat Myers)
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “GooDIE Bag” is by Craig Dykstra; Craig also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, Feb. 10, at wapo.st/conv1475.
The “You’re Invited” podcast: Eighteen half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See bit.ly/invite-podcast.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago ...
The GooDIE Bag: B-I-D-E neologisms from Week 1471
In Week 1471, our annual Tour de Fours neologism contest, we asked for new words or phrases containing the four consecutive letters BIDE, in any order. You aBIDEd, dudes — 1,400 times over.
IMBEDIMENT: The thing that makes you roll over and go back to sleep. “Sorry I was late to work, but I encountered a major imbediment this morning.” (David Stonner, Washington)
BIDEN-GO-SEEK: The president’s search for any agreement across the aisle. “After hearing about Biden-Go-Seek, even cricketers said, ‘That game lasts way too long.’ ” (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
and the Poo Doo Toilet Toss game:
APPLIED BIOLOGY: Sex. “Hey, baby, did you know I have a master’s degree in applied biology?” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
STUPID BELT!: One that went and made itself smaller over the past year. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
BEDIT: To lie awake at night perfecting the retort that you should have given that morning. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring)
INSTABIDET: Oh, the many uses of the humble garden hose. (Pam Shermeyer, Lathrup Village, Mich.)
BEDI KNIGHT: A master in the use of the delight saber. (William Kennard, Arlington, Va.)
ACID BEES: Murder hornets are soooo 2020. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.)
PLAN B DIET: When Plan A, the chocolate diet, doesn’t work. (Lori Lipman Brown, Silver Spring, Md.)
PRAYEMPTIVE BID: 24 no trump! (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
LIBIDEWWW: When your parents tell you they’re going upstairs early tonight because they’re “in the mood.” (Jeff Shirley)
B. DIE: Choice after “A. Do” in a tough situation. (Jesse Frankovich)
ALL-CARB DIET: Man cannot live by bread alone? Okay, also pizza. (Jesse Frankovich)
AMBIDEN®: This new drug helps one sleep through an unpopular presidency. “Snore more years!” (Craig Dykstra, Centreville, Va.)
BEDIVERSE: The world as a sleepy cat sees it. (Sam Mertens)
COWHIDE BORDELLO: The best little whorehouse in Denton, Texas — or so they tell me. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
BIDENTAL: Having teeth way too white for an old guy. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
BIDET O!: “Daylight come and me washin’ me bum.” (Craig Dykstra)
BLOBBIED: Worked to get doughnuts recognized as an essential food group. (Beverley Sharp)
BIDETENTE: An agreement to accept each other’s bathroom habits. “Okay, if you’re going to hang your pantyhose over the shower rail, I’m going to clip my toenails in the sink.” Also known as appeesment or crapprochement. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
BRIBED AND GROOM: What the snickering wedding guests called the 82-year-old oil tycoon and his 23-year-old soul mate. (Beverley Sharp)
CANDIED BROCCOLI: When someone sugarcoats some bad event and only makes it worse. “I appreciate your attempt to let me down gently, but calling it ‘a permanent unpaid vacation’ is just candied broccoli.” (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa.)
CARBIE DOLL: Finally from Mattel, a doll that looks like America. (Beverley Sharp)
ANTI-DEBT: What the GOP suddenly becomes, again, as soon as a Democrat takes the White House. (Chris Doyle)
DEBILE: To remove the vitriol from an online discussion. “After Aunt Sue debiled the responses to her Facebook post calling her a murderer, she did find a couple of decent chicken recipes.” (Richard Franklin, Alexandria, Va.)
DIE BARD: Action movie rewritten for Shakespeare fans. “Huzzah! Yippee! My joy I cannot smother./ I speak to thee, thou &*@#er of a mother.” (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
DOUGHBEDIENT: Performing the right way after the bribe. (Dan Helming, Whitemarsh, Pa.)
DISCOBEDIENT: “I WILL do a little dance! I WILL make a little love! I WILL get down tonight!” (Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)
FIB DETECTOR: A far more sophisticated instrument than a lie detector, consisting of a mom. (Coleman Glenn)
HIDEBALLET: The elaborate dance performed by Supreme Court nominees. “See how she pirouetted away from that question about honoring precedent — beautiful hideballet there.” (Duncan Stevens)
RABBI ED: In this ’60s sitcom reboot, a horse leads the B’neigh Israel synagogue. With Mare Winningham as the canter. (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)
MEDIBLAHBLAHBLAH: That super-fast run-through about dire side effects in drug commercials (“ … may cause blindness, suicidal thoughts and some rare cancers…”) (Dudley Thompson, Cary, N.C.)
DEBITANTE: A young lady who gets her first bank card. Two weeks later she sees her account balance and has her DEBITANTE BAWL. (Leif Picoult)
NAMBIPAMBIDEXTROUS: Able to go in any ethical direction. “In the place of a moral compass, nambipambidextrous Lindsey Graham has always used a political dowsing stick.” (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
THE INCREDIBLE SULK: Bruce Banner: The Teen Years (Jesse Frankovich)
IDBELIEVABLE: For a teen, looking 21. “Wear that dress – it makes you IDbelievable.” (Drew Bennett, Rogers, Ark.)
NOBEDIENCE: What Rodney Dangerfield gets from his dog. (William Kennard, Arlington)
SOUP OF BIDET: If your French waiter offers this, maybe it’s just his accent. But it’s still safer to opt for the salade … (Duncan Stevens)
DE-IBRILLATOR: Device used to restart the heart of someone who has had the "f" scared out of them. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
HEMORRHOID BELT: An unpleasant region of space near Uranus. (Jesse Frankovich)
FRIED BIOPSIES: Cookbook companion to the real “25 Placenta Recipes.” (Kevin Dopart)
And Last: DWEEB DINNERS: It’s not just Loser Brunches anymore! (Roxi Slemp, Bariloche, Argentina) [Next Loser Brunch: Feb. 20 in Bethesda; see wapo.st/conv1475]
Still running — deadline Monday night, Feb. 14: Our Hyphen the Terrible neologism contest. See wapo.st/invite1474.