Style Invitational Week 1443: The letters of the laws — write an acronym bill
Plus what happens when you replace the vowels in a song title with other vowels (a lot).
Image without a caption
(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
July 1, 2021 at 9:55 a.m. EDT
(Click here to skip down to the winning vowel-tampering with song titles)
The Delivering Envelopes Judiciously On-time Year-round Act — the DEJOY Act — is a real bill introduced this year in both the Senate and the House by four members of Congress and numerous co-sponsors; it would essentially forbid the Postal Service (and the eponymous chief) to slow down the mail.
This week’s contest was suggested by the Empress’s Royal Consort, who notes the trend of giving silly names to legislation so that they form silly acronyms — witness HELLPP, or the Helping Ensure Life- and Limb-Saving Access to Podiatric Physicians Act — and figuring, surely correctly, that the Loser Community could do it more cleverly.
This week: Propose some law — it doesn’t have to be a serious issue — and give it a name and acronym, along the lines of the above but funnier. That can be the whole entry, or you might add a line to elaborate.
The Empress's dainty hand becomes the Fangs of Fear! This week's second prize.
The Empress's dainty hand becomes the Fangs of Fear! This week's second prize. (Mark Holt)
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1443 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 12; results appear Aug. 1 in print, July 29 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fabulous soft rubbery hand puppet depicting a, well, some indeterminate aquatic creature; guesses included a shark, barracuda, alligator and dinosaur. In any case it could be very useful if you were quite happy, thank you, with social distancing when it comes to hugs and touchiness. Donated by Loser Dave Prevar.
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “No ’Bility” or “Punderachiever.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Vowel-ups” is by Jesse Frankovich; Jesse also wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column, published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, in which the E shares some real-life acronym bills, at wapo.st/conv1443.
And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago …
Vowel-ups: Tinkering with song titles in Week 1439
In Week 1439 we asked you to (a) choose any song title and delete all its vowels, then (b) add any vowels you liked to make a new title.
NEWS! With his “Cocaine”/”Ice Cone” entry this week, Gary Crockett — King of the Loser Frontier — hits the magic 500 blots of ink, his ticket into the Style Invitational Hall of Fame. See some of Gary’s Greatest Ink in this week’s Style Conversational at wapo.st/conv1443.
Delete the vowels: C R Z T R N
Add other vowels:
Cure a Zit Area Now! Ozzy Osbourne’s new jingle for Clearasil. “Acne! You know how it goes — millions of pimples appear on your nose!” (Coleman Glenn, Huntingdon Valley, Pa., a First Offender)
Lay Lady Lay > L L D L > Lie Lady Lie: “His clothes are dirty, but his grammar’s clean …” (Greg Johnson, Victoria, B.C.)
and the eight-color toilet bowl night light:
Stairway to Heaven > Stairway to Heave In:
There’s a lady who drinks till she literally stinks
And her stomach’s in need of relievin’
If she’s visiting you and she can’t make the loo
Rush her out to the stairway to heave in. (Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
I'm a Believer > Mob Lover:
Sen. Ron Johnson changes his tune after Jan. 6:
Then I saw their race, now I'm a mob lover,
Not a trace of doubt in my mind … (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
What a failing! Honorable mentions
Bye Bye Bye > Boo Boo Boo: ’N Sync attempts, and quickly abandons, a comeback tour. (Hannah Seidel, Alexandria, Va.)
I Feel Fine > I Fool a Fan:
“This guy’s good to me, you know, He rampaged in D.C., you know, ’Cause I said so.
He’s in love with me, I fool a fan.” 9 (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)
A Horse With No Name > Hours With an Enema: A sad song about constipation from a diet of plants and birds and rocks and things. (Kevin Dopart)
Borderline > Beardo, a Real Ano: John Boehner’s bilingual hit about Sen. Ted Cruz and his rants about immigration. (Kevin Mettinger, Warrenton, Va.)
Please Please Me > Paul Is … Paul Is … Me! (Dave Zarrow, Reston)
The Sounds of Silence > Those Nudes of Sal — Nice!
Hello, darkroom, my old friend … (Frank Mann, Washington) [This was the original spelling of the song; it was changed later to “The Sound of Silence”]
YMCA > You. Me. Ciao.: This “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” remake cuts out 49 of the ways. (Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)
Cocaine > Ice Cone: That summer anthem:
If you snort one of those, it’s gonna … freeze your nose, ice cone.
It’s gonna drip down, down on the ground, ice cone.
I won’t lie, you should try, you should buy ice cone. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)
Come Together > A Comet Got Her: Finally explains how she got joo joo eyeball and spinal cracker. (Frank Mann)
“C” Is for Cookie > Case for Cake: The “Sesame Street” monster expands his culinary horizons. (Erika Ettin, Washington)
Ain’t Too Proud to Beg > Note to Poor: Date Big: The Temptations’ guide to the underfunded aspiring gigolo. (Sandy Tenenbaum, Silver Spring, Md., who last got ink in 1996)
Alone Again (Naturally) > Lean Again (Not Really):
In a few days from now, if I’m not feeling down to size
I promise myself to treat myself to a Whopper and large french fries …” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
American Idiot > More Con, D.T.: The Former Guy continues to prey on his supporters. (Kathy Hardis Fraeman, Olney, Md.)
April Come She Will > Pry Lice, Mash Well: A tune for parents to sing while they comb out their kids’ hair after summer camp. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.)
Auld Lang Syne > Ladle Nog, Son: The traditional song to sing at 11 p.m. on Dec. 31. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)
Both Sides Now > Bath-Suds-on-Ewe: A song about how Mary kept her little lamb so clean; the title later became the name of a charming village in England. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
Born to Run > Barney Tran: The inspiring purple dino sings about being true to themselves. (Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)
Both Sides Now > But He Said Snowy: Kindergartner learns a hard lesson about D.C. weather forecasters. (Mark Turco, McLean, Va., a First Offender)
Don’t Stop > Don T.’s Type: “Please stop thinkin’ about Ivanka …” (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)
Hokey Pokey > Eh? Okay, I Puke: A Canadian at an American wedding reacts to being asked to join in the festivities. (Roy Ashley, Washington)
Home on the Range > Human Throng: Replaces the roaming buffalo. (Donna Saady, Rockville, Md.)
Honey Don’t > Heinie Donut: Carl Perkins’s ode to his hemorrhoid pillow wasn’t as popular as the one he wrote to his blue suede shoes. (Terri Berg Smith, Rockville, Md.)
I Want to Hold Your Hand> Won’t They Load Your Hind? Lyric asks: “Are you sure you want fries with that?” (Mark Turco)
I’m Too Sexy > Emits Ox: A woman gives birth to an 11-pound baby and does not feel too sexy for her shirt. (Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida > No Good, Dude — VD!: Iron Butterfly soundtrack for the Army’s STD training film. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Jealousy, Jealousy > Jowls, Jowls: Eighteen-year-old Olivia Rodrigo proactively frets about a potentially sagging jawline. (Leif Picoult, Rockville, Md.)
Let It Snow > Lite, ’Tis, No? Yoda sings about his diet. (Irene Plotzker, Wilmington, Del.)
Love Me Tender > Leave Me Ten, Dr: “Leave me ten toes, leave them on. Tell me they are mine. I know that I’ve got frostbite, Leave me at least nine.” (Joanne Free, Clifton, Va.)
Sweet Home Alabama > Sweet Ham a la BAM!: Lynyrd Skynyrd’s tribute to Emeril’s glazed-pork recipe. (Scott Richards, Hollywood, Md., a First Offender)
Miss You > Mossy: The Rolling Stones finally start to slow down. (Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.)
Misty > Musty: “Look at me, I’m the room you need to clean ASAP …” (Jonathan Jensen)
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da > Be Loud, Be Lewd!: The anthem of shock jocks. (Neal Starkman, Seattle)
YMCA > Yay, I’m CIA!: Morale-boosting song for our intelligence agents: “Young man, you are now a real spy/ No mere gumshoe at the dull FBI …” (Carl Yaffe, Rockville, Md.)
Sweet Caroline > Easy … Wa-aiiit … Cue Our Line!: Now — “BUM BUM BUM!” (Coleman Glenn)
Theme From “Shaft” > The Mofo Romeo Is Hefty: Shaft is back, and this time he’s packing an extra 50 pounds. (Chris Doyle)
Tradition > Tried TN: Tevye describes his trip to America, his life in Chattanooga, and why he decided to come back to Anatevka. (Josh Feldblyum, Springfield, Pa.)
The Song Remains the Same > The Song Remains the Same: It’s like deja vu all over again. (Jon Gearhart)
And Last: Born to Run > Borin’ to Run: Bruce explains why the Empress didn’t print your entries. (Jesse Frankovich)
Still running — deadline Monday night, July 5: Our contest to compare/contrast any two items on our random list. See wapo.st/invite1442.
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