Style Invitational Week 1426: Mess with our heads
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Our perennial bank headline contest. Plus winning wordplay ‘collaborations.’

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat MyersMarch 4 at 10:01 AM
(Click here to skip down to this week’s winning wordplay “collaborations”)

Chair dismisses fears of overdoing stimulus (Washington Post, March 1)
Bank head: ‘Let those kids jump on me,’ La-Z-Boy says; vows to ‘boing ’em right back with my springs’

50% Off Labor (ad for home renovations)
Reconsidering no-meds approach, expectant mom opts for ‘just half the pain’ semi-epidural

Miller Leads Patriots Past the Colonials (George Mason vs. George Washington basketball)
Creepy White House ex-aide seen heading white militants’ march through suburban subdivision

It’s one of The Style Invitational’s most beloved contests (beloved by the Empress, anyway): Reinterpret an actual headline (or a major part of it) by adding a bank head, or subtitle, as in the examples above. The headlines may be from any publication, print or online, dated March 4-15, 2021. Please give the source and date for the headline so the E can verify it; see details on the entry form.

Submit up to 25 entries at (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, March 15; results appear April 4 in print, April 1 (whuh-oh) online.

Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our new Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a desktop globe in the shape of a cube, which will surely prove popular in all eight corners of the world. Donated by Dave Prevar, who sent the E a big Santa-package of ridiculous prizes.

Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “No ’Bility” or “Punderachiever.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at The headline “Ink-a-Hoots” is by Barbara Turner; Jesse Frankovich wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, March 4, at

The “You’re Invited” podcast: Eleven half-hour episodes, including dish from the Empress and the Czar, and tips from top Losers. See

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

Week 1422 was essentially an APB for book, movie and song puns; the contest asked for them to be “collaborations” resulting in the tweaked name. Among the 2,000 entries was much pairing of Judy Garland with Ted Cruz/Rudy Giuliani/The Blob to make The Wizard of Ooze; others had Mike Lindell singing with Little Anthony on Tears on MyPillow. Lots of First Offenders today; they’re marked with asterisks.

4th place:
Marie Kondo with co-author Lindsey Graham: The Life-Changing Magic of Toadying Up. (*John Butman, Cabin John, Md.; Frank Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)

3rd place:

See Greenland around the corner from Canada? This week's 2nd prize.
Elton John and Kiki Dee featuring Hannibal Lecter: Don’t Go Baking My Heart. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2nd place
and the drinking straw you wrap around your face:
If Vicki Lawrence handed her song to Stacey Abrams, she’d sing The Night the Right Went Out in Georgia. (Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
With co-author Vladimir Putin, Barbara Kingsolver would write The Poison-Good Bible. (Harold Mantle, Sunnyvale, Calif.)

Co-ing under: Honorable mentions
The Silence of the Lames, starring Anthony Hopkins and 43 senators. (*Megan Barnett, Crozet, Va.; Seth Tucker, Washington)

Disney’s collaboration with Fidel and Raúl Castro: Irates of the Caribbean. (J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)

If Rodgers & Hammerstein had done the score for “Groundhog Day,” there’d be Same Enchanted Evening. (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

Martin Scorsese could do a documentary on the White House: Malice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore. (Adie Peña, Makati, Philippines; Howard Walderman, Columbia, Md.)

Baby Yoda stars with Christopher Lloyd in The Man DeLorean. (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Alex Winter and Keanu Reeves could sign Pope Francis for Bill & Ted’s Lent Adventure. (Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.)

Eric Carle and co-author Quentin Tarantino could make the picture book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What the $%^&* You Looking At? (Duncan Stevens, Vienna., Va.)

If Cecil B. DeMille had gotten script input from Bill Clinton, he would have made The Nine Commandments. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Angelina Jolie could star with Lance Armstrong in Lara Croft: Tomb ’Roider. (Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

If Charles Dickens wrote a novel with George Carlin, it’d be called Bleep House. (Jeff Rackow, Bethesda, Md.)

Tchaikovsky’s ballet with Joe the Plumber: The Buttcracker. (Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

Sean Connery could have starred with Rudy Giuliani in The Hunt for Red November. (John Klayman, Fairfax, Va.)

Norton Juster with co-author Rudy Giuliani: The Phantom Poll-booths. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)

Mariah Carey with virally unwise hairstylist Tessica Brown: All I Want for Christmas Is Glue. (Megan Barnett)

Ray Bradbury with co-authors Ben & Jerry: Something Licked This Way Comes. (Daniel Fleisher, Baltimore)

If Quentin Tarantino had cast Paula Deen over Uma Thurman, the movie would have been Keel Beel. (Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)

James M. Cain with co-author Louis DeJoy: The Postman Rings Once in a While. (David Shombert, Harrisonburg, Va.)

Kojak sucks Sam Spade into helping him find his stolen car in The Baldy’s Falcon. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Bob Dylan with Donald Trump: Bellowin’ in the Wind. (Steve Glomb, Alexandria, Va.)

Elton John could pair with John G. Roberts Jr. for Docket Man and with Nikola Tesla for Shock-It Man. (Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)

Chinua Achebe and Kim Kardashian: Thongs Fall Apart (Duncan Stevens)

Neil Diamond and Richard Simmons: Sweat, Caroline! (Bob Kruger, Rockville, Md.)

Khaled Hosseini and Charlie Brown: The Kite Ruiner. (Lee Graham, Rockville, Md.)

Charlotte Brontë and A.A. Milne: Jane Eeyore. (Lee Graham)

If P.D. Eastman had gone to work for the Biden transition team, he could have written Go, Don. Go. (*Chris Wieman, Laurel, Md.)

William Friedkin could have cast the Peloton Wife in The Excercist. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

Lin-Manuel Miranda and Jeffrey Toobin duet in The Zoom Where It Happened. (Megan Barnett)

Ernest Hemingway might have drafted losing GOP Sens. Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue for A Farewell to R’s. (Jesse Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.)

Louisa May Alcott with Donald Trump: Belittle Women. (Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.; Scott Straub, Winchester, Va.)

Jane Austen with Enrique Tarrio would write Proud and Prejudiced. (*Mike Tringale, Washington)

Sidney Poitier and Marjorie Taylor Greene: Guess Q’s Coming for Dinner. (Bill Dorner)

Freddie Mercury sings Franz Kafka in Weevil Rock You. (Harold Mantle)

Billy Joel wrote a song with the California utility PG&E: We Didn’t Start The Fire, and We Understand And Agree That This Settlement Shall Not Be Construed as an Admission of Liability on the Part of Any Person, Firm, Corporation . . . (*Hil Barnett, Crozet, Va.)

Glenn Yarbrough with guest singer Oliver Cromwell: Baby, the Reign Must Fall. (Fran Ludman, Baltimore, who last got Invite ink in Week 29, 1993)

Louisa May Alcott and Armie Hammer: Vittle Women. (Jim Derby, Gettysburg, Pa.; David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)

Donald Trump channels Sam Cooke: “Qupid, go stop the steal/ Show Pence my landslide was real/ Get him to change the count for me …” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

J.D. Salinger and Washington Post Fact Checker Glenn Kessler: The Catcher in the Lie. (Steve Leifer, Potomac)

If Fixodent’s next ad were written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the new tagline would be 100 Years of Solid Food. (Danielle Nowlin)

The Beatles and Jerry Falwell Jr.: Got to Get You Into My Wife. (Dave Matuskey, Sacramento)

Charles Darwin and Donald Trump: The Oranging of Species. (Bob Kruger)

Van Morrison and Dan Quayle: Dominoe. (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

The Beatles and the Republican National Committee: Being for the Benefit of Mr. White. (J. Larry Schott)

Warren Beatty stars with Harvey Weinstein in the epic Preds. (Harold Mantle)

The Coen brothers could cast Sidney Powell in Fargone. (David Shombert)

Nirvana for the Trump administration family separation program: Smells Like Mean Spirit. (Hil Barnett)

William Golding and Henrik Ibsen: Fjord of the Lies. (Duncan Stevens)

And Last: ABBA with the Empress: Dunce-Ink Queen. (Jesse Frankovich)

Still running — deadline Monday night, March 8: Our Bob Staake cartoon caption contest. See

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