Style Invitational Week 1393: Another go at anagrams (O groan at a rash magnet?)
Describe anagram businesses from Week 1388; plus winning TankaWanka on the news
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(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By
Pat Myers
July 16, 2020 at 9:44 a.m. EDT
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(Click here to skip down to the winning TankaWanka poems on news events)

Last week the Empress ran the totally nifty results for names of businesses or products that contained anagrams: The letters in the first half of the name were scrambled to make the second half. Like DIET TIDE. Or CHARGE MUCH MEGACHURCH. Or the winner, “ALIENS/MY ANUS” INSANE ASYLUM. (If you missed last week’s, check them out at wapo.st/invite1392.)

The contest also asked for descriptions of those businesses, and among the 1,500 entries were dozens of ingenious anagrams, some sent by several people, whose descriptions didn’t quite do them justice. So let’s see what the Loser Crowd Mind can come up with. This week: Describe any of the anagram businesses listed at the bottom of this page, or offer its slogan.

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Submit up to 25 entries total at wapo.st/enter-invite-1393 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, July 27; results will appear Aug. 16 in print, Aug. 13 online.

How to format your entries so that the Empress will be filled with love for you: Please start each entry with the anagram as it’s spelled below (not with a number or some little dingbat), followed by your description on the same line. That way the E can sort all the Cruelty Cutlery jokes from the Happiest Epitaphs.

Winner gets the Lose Cannon, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives two packaged bottles of Flower of Story eau de toilette spray. From what we gather from Google the Omniscient, Flower of Story (presumably a translation bungle from the Chinese elsewhere on the box) comes in various fragrances such as Happy Flowers and Sea Breeze. This one is Flying Pig. We didn’t open it, so you’ll have to let us know what it smells like after you “win” it. Donated by Loser Barbara Turner.

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Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our new lusted-after Loser magnets, “No ’Bility” or “Punderachiever.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules. The headline “Snark Tanka” is by Tom Witte; Beverley Sharp wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday.

The Style Conversational The Empress's weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1393.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

Snark tanka: Poems on the news from Week 1389
Week 1389 was our fourth contest for the form we call TankaWanka, our spin on the venerable Japanese tanka: five lines, 5-7-5-7-7 syllables, but also two lines have to rhyme and it has to be about something in the news.

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Holy moly! So many of the entries were screedy: so bitter or despairing that their wit or humor was left panting on the floor. Here are the more robust ones. Loser Sam Mertens even wrote a TankaWanka about the struggle; though it’s not exactly “about the news,” I’m giving it ink anyway, near the end of today’s results.

4th place:
Baltimore ex-mayor Pugh imprisoned after selling her self-published children’s books to nonprofits
Failure to disclose —
Off to Aliceville she goes.
Healthy Holly’s through.
Pressing jumpsuits, one by one,
She’ll learn “Exercise is Fun.”
(George Thompson, Springfield, Va.)

3rd place:
The public weighs in at the Palm Beach County Commissioners’ meeting
Masks are “Devil’s law”!
Antifa! Sex slave! Bondage!
Claims I find puzzling.
Still let’s find a compromise:
Instead of masks, have muzzling.
(Wendy Shang, Falls Church, Va.)

2nd place
and the Poo-Dough ‘craft’ set:
Rep. Nunes loses legal battle over ‘Devin Nunes’ Cow’ Twitter account
Lies! Defamation!
Social media spreading
cruel, false parodies.
Devin Nunes wants to sue;
The defendant answers, “Moo.”
(Hannah Seidel Alexandria, Va.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
Bolton's book claims Trump applauded Xi's roundup of Uighurs
Dear President Xi,
Those "camps" that you are building?
They make sense to me!
To unify your nation
Will take great concentration.
— D.J.T. (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

HunkaJunka: Honorable mentions
Disappointing turnout at Trump’s Tulsa rally
They promised large crowds!
Tulsa would burst at the seams!
. . . Sixty-two hundred?
That number is shambolic,
Passed now by Trump’s systolic.
(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)

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Poor Tulsa turnout
Embarrassing and hurtful
To the president
Surely MSNBC
Will show only empathy
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

Her name is Karen.
She’ll speak to your manager,
and you’ll be sorry
that you didn’t know how to
say “please” to her cockapoo.
(Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.)

Trump waves a Bible in front of St. John’s Church after protesters were forced out of area
Mr. President,
Will you lead a reading from
Two Corinthians?
Or is that book just a prop
For your thuggish photo op?
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Chuck E. Cheese parent company files for bankruptcy
The covid virus
and all of its microbe friends
face a harder road:
Chuck E. Cheese has helped a lot,
Bankrupt: Kids will share less snot.
(Hannah Seidel)

Trump threatens CNN because it reported unfavorable poll results
Biden up 14?
“Retract your poll, CNN,
Or I’m gonna sue!”
He can’t distinguish polling
From his fave pastime, trolling.
(Duncan Stevens)

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That black lives matter
Just seems so intuitive.
Treat us all the same
When you make your traffic stops . . .
Oops – nobody told the cops.
(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

Books about racism fill bestseller lists
It’s become trendy
To read Ibram X. Kendi.
Book clubs are meeting,
“Anti-racist” drums beating —
But will the sound be fleeting?
(Mark Raffman)

In these [word here] times . . .
“Unusual,” “difficult,”
“Challenging,” “crazy,”
“Extraordinary,” “tough”
. . . Adjectives? I’ve had enough.
(Mark Raffman)

I aim for humor
About things in today’s news
But time after time
I write a screed or lament —
There’s too much bad stuff; I’m spent. (Sam Mertens)

Online symptom checkers are often inaccurate, study says
I list my symptoms:
Incessant head-scratching and
Feverish typing.
The online diagnosis:
“Needs ink — in larger doses.” (George Thompson)

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Still running — deadline Monday night, July 20: Our contest for captions of Bob Staake cartoons. See wapo.st/invite1392.

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The non-inking anagram businesses to use in Week 1393:

Am Aghast MAGA Hats

Anal Gas Lasagna

Asset Decline Delicatessen

Atrophied Aphrodite

Auctioned Education

“Be Sharp, Bro” Barbershop

Blaring Lard Bar and Grill

“Can’t Act on Us” Accountants

Cheapo Arty Apothecary

Credit Naggers Greeting Cards

Crooner Coroner

Cruelty Cutlery

Danger Garden

Dead-or-Not Deodorant

Do-Not-Dare Deodorant

Decimal Medical

Emu Brains Submarine

Evil Stone Novelties

Face Cafe

Grub Masher Hamburgers

Happiest Epitaphs

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Her Foul Amen Funeral Home

Hip One iPhone

“I Bleed Humor” Home Builder

I’m-a-Stud Stadium

Ill Strides Distillers

Insatiable Banalities

Irate Face Cafeteria

Larcenist Clarinets

Liberal Braille

Master Puker Supermarket

Monster Mentors

My Amusing Gymnasium

Nice Chefs Ruin French Cuisine

One Ratty Attorney

Order Guts Drugstore

“Paint Bull Crap for Me” Republican Platform

Pedant Term Department

Plasmoid Diplomas

Pudgier Raccoon Organic Produce

Real Idiot Editorial

Rich Mattresses Christmas Trees

“Slime Our Arrogance” Marriage Counselor

Smart Shape Hamster Spa

Supersonic Percussion

Sweaty Anal Tort Attorneys at Law

Tartan User Restaurant

Tech Lover Chevrolet

Thousand Handouts

Very Idle Delivery

Western Wonk News Network