Style Invitational Week 1353: What’s playing at the retroplex


Fun with movie titles. Plus winning ‘questions’ from the
Congressional Record.



Bob Staake for The Washington Post (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)


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Pat Myers
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Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003


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Oct. 10, 2019 at 10:38 a.m. EDT

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning “questions” from the
Congressional Record)

*Get In:* In this fantasy, a young black man finds that it’s super-easy
to hail a cab.

*Camelittle:* The Knights of the Round Table, weary of fighting
injustice, take a nap.

*Get Along Fine Club:* A disaffected man is drawn into a secret society
of anger management professionals.

*Apocalypse Eventually:* A soldier makes his way upriver in Vietnam,
noticing along the way the incremental effects of climate change.

As has many a Style Invitational contest lately, this week’s was
suggested by Wildly Successful Loser Duncan Stevens, who got 136 blots
of Invite ink in the previous year alone: *Change a movie title to its
“opposite” by reversing one or more words; then describe the new movie,
*as in Duncan’s examples above.

The latest in feline butt-bling: this week's second prize. (Twp)




Submit up to 25 entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1353*
(no capitals in the Web address).



Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives *Twinkle Tush,*
a colorful little
modesty “jewel” that you would hang beneath your cat’s tail. (That is,
you would if you were insane; even the packaging says you shouldn’t
leave it on your cat.) Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks, then inexplicably
declined by whoever won it a few years ago.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Oct. 21;* results published
Nov. 10 in print, Nov. 7 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline
“Jest for the Record” is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart submitted the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev ./ “Like”
the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday;
/ follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.



*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter — this week we feature some past
altered-title movies — check it out at wapo.st/conv1353.




And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


Jest for the Record: Ink from Week 1349

In*Week 1349* **the Empress invited readers
to explore the Congressional Record, the official chronicle of the daily
doings — and non-doings — of the legislative branch, and then to choose
any sentence they could access from the CR website
(which goes back to 1995) and
come up with a question that the CR sentence might answer. Fewer people
than usual entered, but as the E had predicted, those who did really got
into it, as you’ll see from the ink. And they didn’t have to look far to
find a lot of congressional inanity.




4th place:

*A. “I wish for them a lifetime of love as endless as the ocean and as
timeless as the tides.” *
Q. “Mr. President, how do you plan to support the people of the Bahamas
as they try to rebuild?”/(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) /




3rd place:

*A. “I yield 3 minutes to the gentleman from South Carolina, who has
unusual socks on today.” *
Q. How do you tactfully tell a colleague that he has forgotten to put
his pants on again?/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/


2nd place

and the Poop Hoop toilet-seat-on-head basketball game
:

*A.* *A motion to reconsider was laid on the table. *
Q. How did you scare those teenagers off drugs with a visit to the
morgue? /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) /




And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A. "It is important to end the gender gap, because half the people
working for minimum wage are women."*
Q. Rep. Carolyn B. Maloney (D-N.Y.), would you explain the gender pay
gap in the most statistically idiotic way?/(Sam Mertens)/


Lacks of Congress: Honorable mentions

*A. “It is $1.4 billion — that is nine zeros — a day.” *
Q. What statement by Sen. John N. Kennedy (R-La.) about government
borrowing shows he can’t count zeros?/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /



*A. “They let her wander. In violation of all their own policies, she
wandered outside. She wandered outside for more than 20 minutes.”*
Q. What has been Melania’s favorite moment as first lady? /(Jesse
Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) /



*A. “Evidently a quorum is not present.” *
Q. Speaker Pelosi, do you think the president has all his marbles?
/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

*A. “I ask unanimous consent that I may proceed as in morning business
for 30 seconds.” *
Q. How must junior congressmen ask to go to the bathroom? /(Frank Osen,
Pasadena, Calif.) /

*A. “I smiled this last weekend when I filled up for $2.25.” *
Q. How is your all-popcorn diet going? /(Gary Crockett) /

*A. “This crisis is affecting communities all over the country.” *
Q. So it’s really hard to get a Popeye’s chicken sandwich? /(Jesse
Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /



*A. “Words fail me.” *
Q. How do you explain your nickname, President Coolidge? /(Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.) /



*A. “During my time in this body, I have had graduates and students of
Virginia Tech work and intern for me.” *
Q. Dalai Lama, what have you done since becoming an Honorary
Hokie?/(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “He aimed well.” *
Q. At his retirement party, what is the highest praise a guy can get
from the janitorial staff? /(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “I have spent a lot of time on the Senate floor.”*
Q. Do you admit, senator, that your drinking interferes with the
performance of your duties? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala./)

*A. I like the bill Senator Hagan and I worked on. *
Q. Mr. President, what’s your favorite part about building this giant
butter-sculpture of Donald Duck?/(Frank Osen)/



*A. “I yield myself as much time as I may consume.” *
Q. How long is lunch?/
(Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.; Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) /



*A. “Members will please face the camera.” *
Q. What should never be said to Anthony Weiner? /(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “The time of the gentleman has expired.” *
Q. Whatever happened to the era of common courtesy?/(Jesse Frankovich;
Jeff Contompasis) /

*A. “This bill had been a No. 1 legislative priority of our Nation’s law
enforcement officers, and I am proud of this bipartisan effort to
support law enforcement and public safety.”*
Q. What can you tell me about the effort to enact “Free Donuts for Cops”
Day? /(Sam Mertens) /



*A. “We cannot be driven by polls.”
*Q. After seeing his poll figures, what did the politician decide his
constituents wanted to hear? /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) /

*A. “He is a longtime Vikings fan.” *
Q. Why would the president want to buy Greenland? /(Jeff Contompasis)/

*A. “I wish him nothing but a well-deserved rest, relaxation, and best
wishes in retirement.” *
Q. What is the most passive-aggressive way to call for impeachment?
/(Gary Crockett) /

AD

*A. “Irregardless . . .” *
Q. To the dismay of word nerds, what word appears in the Congressional
Record at least 30 times, most recently on May 23? /(Bill Dorner,
Indianapolis) /

*A: “There are approximately 39 pending amendments which are probably in
order and about 69 that are not, and those numbers may be off a little
bit but they are not bad for government work at 8:30 in the middle of a
Red Sox game.” *
Q. Can you describe congressional dysfunction in a nutshell?/(Sarah Walsh) /

*A. “It is a bicameral effort.” *
Q. Rep. Gohmert, what do you call two dromedaries crossing a desert?
/(Frank Osen)/

*A. “An important contributor to our local economy, he owned a gas
station and managed the Midland Screw Factory.” *
Q. Dearly beloved, does anyone have any fond remembrances of our local
pimp?/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /



*A. “I want to take the opportunity to congratulate the entire Empress
team, and thank them for all their incredible work in our area.” *
Q: What did the Nobel Prize chairman say about The Style Invitational’s
contribution to literature? /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; the
Empress is a casino] /

*TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Oct. 14: *

*Week 1351: *Ideas for timely Halloween
costumes or parties — or actual photos of new ones. See wapo.st/invite1351.

*Week 1352: * Write a steamy scene about an
unsteamy situation. See wapo.st/invite1352.