Style Invitational Week 1353: What’s playing at the retroplex

Fun with movie titles. Plus winning ‘questions’ from the
Congressional Record.

Bob Staake for The Washington Post (Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

Pat Myers

Image without a caption

Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003



Oct. 10, 2019 at 10:38 a.m. EDT

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning “questions” from the
Congressional Record)

*Get In:* In this fantasy, a young black man finds that it’s super-easy
to hail a cab.

*Camelittle:* The Knights of the Round Table, weary of fighting
injustice, take a nap.

*Get Along Fine Club:* A disaffected man is drawn into a secret society
of anger management professionals.

*Apocalypse Eventually:* A soldier makes his way upriver in Vietnam,
noticing along the way the incremental effects of climate change.

As has many a Style Invitational contest lately, this week’s was
suggested by Wildly Successful Loser Duncan Stevens, who got 136 blots
of Invite ink in the previous year alone: *Change a movie title to its
“opposite” by reversing one or more words; then describe the new movie,
*as in Duncan’s examples above.

The latest in feline butt-bling: this week's second prize. (Twp)

Submit up to 25 entries at **
(no capitals in the Web address).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives *Twinkle Tush,*
a colorful little
modesty “jewel” that you would hang beneath your cat’s tail. (That is,
you would if you were insane; even the packaging says you shouldn’t
leave it on your cat.) Donated by Loser Melissa Yorks, then inexplicably
declined by whoever won it a few years ago.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Oct. 21;* results published
Nov. 10 in print, Nov. 7 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“Jest for the Record” is by Chris Doyle; Jon Gearhart submitted the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at / ./ “Like”
the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /;
/ follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter — this week we feature some past
altered-title movies — check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

Jest for the Record: Ink from Week 1349

In*Week 1349* **the Empress invited readers
to explore the Congressional Record, the official chronicle of the daily
doings — and non-doings — of the legislative branch, and then to choose
any sentence they could access from the CR website
(which goes back to 1995) and
come up with a question that the CR sentence might answer. Fewer people
than usual entered, but as the E had predicted, those who did really got
into it, as you’ll see from the ink. And they didn’t have to look far to
find a lot of congressional inanity.

4th place:

*A. “I wish for them a lifetime of love as endless as the ocean and as
timeless as the tides.” *
Q. “Mr. President, how do you plan to support the people of the Bahamas
as they try to rebuild?”/(Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md.) /

3rd place:

*A. “I yield 3 minutes to the gentleman from South Carolina, who has
unusual socks on today.” *
Q. How do you tactfully tell a colleague that he has forgotten to put
his pants on again?/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

2nd place

and the Poop Hoop toilet-seat-on-head basketball game

*A.* *A motion to reconsider was laid on the table. *
Q. How did you scare those teenagers off drugs with a visit to the
morgue? /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) /

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A. "It is important to end the gender gap, because half the people
working for minimum wage are women."*
Q. Rep. Carolyn B. Maloney (D-N.Y.), would you explain the gender pay
gap in the most statistically idiotic way?/(Sam Mertens)/

Lacks of Congress: Honorable mentions

*A. “It is $1.4 billion — that is nine zeros — a day.” *
Q. What statement by Sen. John N. Kennedy (R-La.) about government
borrowing shows he can’t count zeros?/(Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.) /

*A. “They let her wander. In violation of all their own policies, she
wandered outside. She wandered outside for more than 20 minutes.”*
Q. What has been Melania’s favorite moment as first lady? /(Jesse
Rifkin, Arlington, Va.) /

*A. “Evidently a quorum is not present.” *
Q. Speaker Pelosi, do you think the president has all his marbles?
/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

*A. “I ask unanimous consent that I may proceed as in morning business
for 30 seconds.” *
Q. How must junior congressmen ask to go to the bathroom? /(Frank Osen,
Pasadena, Calif.) /

*A. “I smiled this last weekend when I filled up for $2.25.” *
Q. How is your all-popcorn diet going? /(Gary Crockett) /

*A. “This crisis is affecting communities all over the country.” *
Q. So it’s really hard to get a Popeye’s chicken sandwich? /(Jesse
Frankovich, Lansing, Mich.) /

*A. “Words fail me.” *
Q. How do you explain your nickname, President Coolidge? /(Chris Doyle,
Denton, Tex.) /

*A. “During my time in this body, I have had graduates and students of
Virginia Tech work and intern for me.” *
Q. Dalai Lama, what have you done since becoming an Honorary
Hokie?/(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “He aimed well.” *
Q. At his retirement party, what is the highest praise a guy can get
from the janitorial staff? /(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “I have spent a lot of time on the Senate floor.”*
Q. Do you admit, senator, that your drinking interferes with the
performance of your duties? /(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala./)

*A. I like the bill Senator Hagan and I worked on. *
Q. Mr. President, what’s your favorite part about building this giant
butter-sculpture of Donald Duck?/(Frank Osen)/

*A. “I yield myself as much time as I may consume.” *
Q. How long is lunch?/
(Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.; Dinah Rokach, Silver Spring, Md.) /

*A. “Members will please face the camera.” *
Q. What should never be said to Anthony Weiner? /(Kevin Dopart) /

*A. “The time of the gentleman has expired.” *
Q. Whatever happened to the era of common courtesy?/(Jesse Frankovich;
Jeff Contompasis) /

*A. “This bill had been a No. 1 legislative priority of our Nation’s law
enforcement officers, and I am proud of this bipartisan effort to
support law enforcement and public safety.”*
Q. What can you tell me about the effort to enact “Free Donuts for Cops”
Day? /(Sam Mertens) /

*A. “We cannot be driven by polls.”
*Q. After seeing his poll figures, what did the politician decide his
constituents wanted to hear? /(Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.) /

*A. “He is a longtime Vikings fan.” *
Q. Why would the president want to buy Greenland? /(Jeff Contompasis)/

*A. “I wish him nothing but a well-deserved rest, relaxation, and best
wishes in retirement.” *
Q. What is the most passive-aggressive way to call for impeachment?
/(Gary Crockett) /


*A. “Irregardless . . .” *
Q. To the dismay of word nerds, what word appears in the Congressional
Record at least 30 times, most recently on May 23? /(Bill Dorner,
Indianapolis) /

*A: “There are approximately 39 pending amendments which are probably in
order and about 69 that are not, and those numbers may be off a little
bit but they are not bad for government work at 8:30 in the middle of a
Red Sox game.” *
Q. Can you describe congressional dysfunction in a nutshell?/(Sarah Walsh) /

*A. “It is a bicameral effort.” *
Q. Rep. Gohmert, what do you call two dromedaries crossing a desert?
/(Frank Osen)/

*A. “An important contributor to our local economy, he owned a gas
station and managed the Midland Screw Factory.” *
Q. Dearly beloved, does anyone have any fond remembrances of our local
pimp?/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /

*A. “I want to take the opportunity to congratulate the entire Empress
team, and thank them for all their incredible work in our area.” *
Q: What did the Nobel Prize chairman say about The Style Invitational’s
contribution to literature? /(Drew Bennett, West Plains, Mo.; the
Empress is a casino] /

*TWO contests still running — deadline for both is Monday night, Oct. 14: *

*Week 1351: *Ideas for timely Halloween
costumes or parties — or actual photos of new ones. See

*Week 1352: * Write a steamy scene about an
unsteamy situation. See