Style Invitational Week 1352: Hee-rotica

Write a steamy scene for a non-steamy situation. Plus winning

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

Pat Myers

Image without a caption

Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003



Oct. 3, 2019 at 10:23 a.m. EDT

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of our recurring
compare/contrast contest)

*“As a bearded barista pours my coffee, *he discreetly reaches below the
counter. My eyes can’t help but follow his hand — down, down — until, to
my delight, he pulls out his big, bulging carton of oat milk. ‘I was
hiding this from the other customers,’ he tells me, with a wink. ‘But
you can have as much as you want.’ ”

*“I find a lunch in Midtown* that costs less than ten dollars. ‘Yes!’ I
cry out. ‘Oh, God, yes!’ The cashier hands me a surprisingly substantial

This week’s contest was inspired by “Sexual Fantasies of Everyday New

a recent humor piece in the online New Yorker by Mark Cognata, and
shared with the Empress by Always-on-the-Lookout Loser Daphne Steinberg.
Let’s broaden Mark’s idea.*This week: Write a short steamy scene (100
words would be considered long) about a non-steamy event,* as in the
vignettes above from Mark’s article. You might want to attribute the
scene to a relevant person: An accountant? A plumber? Mitch McConnell?

Submit up to 25 entries at **
(no capitals in the Web address).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this
week’s hot-’n’-heavy contest, receives *Undies for Two, *a polyester
bikini that might have just two kinis, but it has four leg holes; the
idea is that two (thin) people somehow wriggle into it facing each
other, supposedly in anticipation of ensuing high jinks, though I’m not
sure how the wearers would actually /move./ Donated (new, yes) by Style
Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, then declined — can you believe
it! — by whoever “won” it when I first offered it a year ago.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14;* results published
Nov. 3 in print, Oct. 31 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“In Snark Contrast” is by Bill Dorner; Gary Crockett, Kevin Dopart and
Jeff Contompasis all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

In snark contrast: Report from Week 1348

*Week 1348* was the latest of our perennial
compare/contrast contests: The Empress supplied a list of 17 random
objects, and the Loser Community had to explain how any two were similar
or different. Submitted too frequently: The difference between *Sean
Spicer doing the tango and crossword guru Will Shortz: *Only one doesn’t
have a clue. And how are *Redskins tickets like a dot matrix printer?*
They were last desirable in 1992.

4th place:

*A dot matrix printer: *You get to watch it make a lot of noise and
print. *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets:* You get to watch them make a
lot of noise and punt. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /

3rd place:

*Clown Shoe Friday:* Flopsy. *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Mopsy.*Jockey
shorts:* Cotton tail./(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /

2nd place

/and the German T-shirt with Einstein sticking his tongue out
: /
*Charred mollusk on a stick* and *Sean Spicer doing the tango:* Each
could be described as a slug with a stick up its butt, but only the
mollusk would be described as well done./(Mary McNamara, Washington) /

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A hard Brexit* and*Jockey shorts: *Two things we hope we never see
Boris Johnson pull off. /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) /

Poor relations: Honorable mentions

*Sean Spicer doing the tango* and *a hard Brexit:* For the tango,
/everyone/ voted “leave.” /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /

//How are *a hard Brexit* and *avocado toast *the same? Both are
toast./(Steve Smith, Potomac; Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) /

*Charred mollusk on a stick:* Oyster gets skewered. *A hard Brexit:*
Ulster gets skewered. /(David Peckarsky, Tucson) /

With *a hard Brexit,* you’re done with the E.U. With*Sean Spicer doing
the tango, *you’re just getting started with the eeewww … /(Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

*A hard Brexit: *Bye-bye, E.U.! *Jockey shorts*: By and by, P.U.!
/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/

*A hard Brexit* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* There’s no parting in sight.
/(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) /

*A bicycle built for 20* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* It would be
preferable to get rid of 90 percent of both./(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /

The difference between *a bicycle built for 20* and *Sean Spicer doing
the tango:* The first has 18 more left feet./(Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.) /

*A bicycle built for 20* and *Will Shortz:* With both, you’ll often see
20 down./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /

*A bicycle built for 20* and *Jockey shorts:* With both, telltale skid
marks can indicate an internal mechanical problem./(Rick Haynes, Ocean
City, Md.) /

The main difference between a *charred mollusk on a stick *and *John
Bolton’s mustache:* the stick. /(Warren Tanabe)/

*John Bolton’s mustache* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* With
both, lots of Danish tend to be sprinkled throughout. /(Frank Osen)/

What do *the 50,000 people of Greenland* call *a bicycle built for 20?*
Mass transit./(Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) /

*The 50,000 people of Greenland *vs. *charred mollusk on a stick:* The
former could be called Denmark’s Ultra-cool Hicks; the latter is an
anagram of that. /(Jesse Frankovich) /

*Clown Shoe Friday *and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* The Redskins
usually play on Sunday. /(Duncan Stevens) /

*Clown Shoe Friday *and *Boris Johnson’s hair: *Both are likely to be
accompanied by nonsensical antics and a big red nose. /(Duncan Stevens/)

The difference between *Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins
tickets:* With Shortz, you’ll eventually get to see a solution to the
weekly problem. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/

*Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With the first, you
spend Sunday morning; with the second, you spend Sunday mourning./(Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /

*Clown Shoe Friday* vs. *Sean Spicer dancing the tango:* More people
would want to observe Clown Shoe Friday./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) /

*Jockey shorts:* tighty-whiteys. *Bedbugs:* mitey-biteys./(Chris Doyle) /

*Jockey shorts* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Jockey shorts cover an ass
less embarrassingly. /(Duncan Stevens) /

*Jockey shorts* are like *Sean Spicer doing the tango: *With both, you
might report “crowded ballroom.”/(Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)/

// *Jockey shorts* and *hand-marke* *d ballots:* Chad won’t be hanging
in either. /(Frank Osen; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) /

*Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets* and *bedbugs: *More people are
comfortable admitting they have bedbugs. /(Frank Osen) /

The difference between *bedbugs *and *John Bolton’s mustache: *One makes
you look away in pure revulsion, and the other can be treated by using a
dryer with a high heat setting. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) /

*Bedbugs* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* Bedbugs will have
somewhere to live in 30 years. /(Duncan Stevens) /

*Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets *and *Will Shortz:* With the tickets,
you end up with a lot of crass words./(Mike Gips)/

*Avocado toast: *“Yum!” — Millennials. *Bedbugs:* “Yum!
Millennials!”/(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) /

How*John Bolton’s mustache *is different from *bedbugs:* Mar-a-Lago
guests still report seeing bedbugs./(Steve Smith; Larry McClemons,
Annandale, Va.) /

The difference between *avocado toas*t and *Russian dressing: *Donald
Trump didn’t go backstage at the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow to see
avocado toast. (/Jesse Frankovich)/

*A dot matrix printer* and *a hard Brexit:* The printer actually has
some resolution./(Mike Gips) /

*Still running — deadline also Oct. 14: our contest for timely Halloween
contest ideas — or photos of actual new costumes. See *