Style Invitational Week 1352: Hee-rotica


Write a steamy scene for a non-steamy situation. Plus winning
compare/contrasts.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)

By
Pat Myers
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Pat Myers
Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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Oct. 3, 2019 at 10:23 a.m. EDT

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winners of our recurring
compare/contrast contest)

*“As a bearded barista pours my coffee, *he discreetly reaches below the
counter. My eyes can’t help but follow his hand — down, down — until, to
my delight, he pulls out his big, bulging carton of oat milk. ‘I was
hiding this from the other customers,’ he tells me, with a wink. ‘But
you can have as much as you want.’ ”

*“I find a lunch in Midtown* that costs less than ten dollars. ‘Yes!’ I
cry out. ‘Oh, God, yes!’ The cashier hands me a surprisingly substantial
sandwich.”

This week’s contest was inspired by “Sexual Fantasies of Everyday New
Yorkers,”

a recent humor piece in the online New Yorker by Mark Cognata, and
shared with the Empress by Always-on-the-Lookout Loser Daphne Steinberg.
Let’s broaden Mark’s idea.*This week: Write a short steamy scene (100
words would be considered long) about a non-steamy event,* as in the
vignettes above from Mark’s article. You might want to attribute the
scene to a relevant person: An accountant? A plumber? Mitch McConnell?


Submit up to 25 entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1352*
(no capitals in the Web address).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this
week’s hot-’n’-heavy contest, receives *Undies for Two, *a polyester
bikini that might have just two kinis, but it has four leg holes; the
idea is that two (thin) people somehow wriggle into it facing each
other, supposedly in anticipation of ensuing high jinks, though I’m not
sure how the wearers would actually /move./ Donated (new, yes) by Style
Invitational Devotee Kathleen Delano, then declined — can you believe
it! — by whoever “won” it when I first offered it a year ago.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Oct. 14;* results published
Nov. 3 in print, Oct. 31 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The headline
“In Snark Contrast” is by Bill Dorner; Gary Crockett, Kevin Dopart and
Jeff Contompasis all submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.



*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at wapo.st/conv1352.


And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


In snark contrast: Report from Week 1348

*Week 1348* was the latest of our perennial
compare/contrast contests: The Empress supplied a list of 17 random
objects, and the Loser Community had to explain how any two were similar
or different. Submitted too frequently: The difference between *Sean
Spicer doing the tango and crossword guru Will Shortz: *Only one doesn’t
have a clue. And how are *Redskins tickets like a dot matrix printer?*
They were last desirable in 1992.




4th place:

*A dot matrix printer: *You get to watch it make a lot of noise and
print. *Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets:* You get to watch them make a
lot of noise and punt. /(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /




3rd place:

*Clown Shoe Friday:* Flopsy. *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Mopsy.*Jockey
shorts:* Cotton tail./(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /


2nd place

/and the German T-shirt with Einstein sticking his tongue out
: /
*Charred mollusk on a stick* and *Sean Spicer doing the tango:* Each
could be described as a slug with a stick up its butt, but only the
mollusk would be described as well done./(Mary McNamara, Washington) /


And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*A hard Brexit* and*Jockey shorts: *Two things we hope we never see
Boris Johnson pull off. /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.) /




Poor relations: Honorable mentions

*Sean Spicer doing the tango* and *a hard Brexit:* For the tango,
/everyone/ voted “leave.” /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /

//How are *a hard Brexit* and *avocado toast *the same? Both are
toast./(Steve Smith, Potomac; Brett Dimaio, Cumberland, Md.) /



*Charred mollusk on a stick:* Oyster gets skewered. *A hard Brexit:*
Ulster gets skewered. /(David Peckarsky, Tucson) /

With *a hard Brexit,* you’re done with the E.U. With*Sean Spicer doing
the tango, *you’re just getting started with the eeewww … /(Mark
Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

*A hard Brexit: *Bye-bye, E.U.! *Jockey shorts*: By and by, P.U.!
/(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)/

*A hard Brexit* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* There’s no parting in sight.
/(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.) /



*A bicycle built for 20* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* It would be
preferable to get rid of 90 percent of both./(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /

The difference between *a bicycle built for 20* and *Sean Spicer doing
the tango:* The first has 18 more left feet./(Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.) /

*A bicycle built for 20* and *Will Shortz:* With both, you’ll often see
20 down./(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /



*A bicycle built for 20* and *Jockey shorts:* With both, telltale skid
marks can indicate an internal mechanical problem./(Rick Haynes, Ocean
City, Md.) /

The main difference between a *charred mollusk on a stick *and *John
Bolton’s mustache:* the stick. /(Warren Tanabe)/

*John Bolton’s mustache* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* With
both, lots of Danish tend to be sprinkled throughout. /(Frank Osen)/



What do *the 50,000 people of Greenland* call *a bicycle built for 20?*
Mass transit./(Pia Palamidessi, Cumberland, Md., a First Offender) /

*The 50,000 people of Greenland *vs. *charred mollusk on a stick:* The
former could be called Denmark’s Ultra-cool Hicks; the latter is an
anagram of that. /(Jesse Frankovich) /

*Clown Shoe Friday *and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* The Redskins
usually play on Sunday. /(Duncan Stevens) /



*Clown Shoe Friday *and *Boris Johnson’s hair: *Both are likely to be
accompanied by nonsensical antics and a big red nose. /(Duncan Stevens/)

The difference between *Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins
tickets:* With Shortz, you’ll eventually get to see a solution to the
weekly problem. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington)/



*Will Shortz* and *50-yard-line Redskins tickets:* With the first, you
spend Sunday morning; with the second, you spend Sunday mourning./(Chris
Doyle, Denton, Tex.) /

*Clown Shoe Friday* vs. *Sean Spicer dancing the tango:* More people
would want to observe Clown Shoe Friday./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring) /

*Jockey shorts:* tighty-whiteys. *Bedbugs:* mitey-biteys./(Chris Doyle) /

*Jockey shorts* and *Boris Johnson’s hair:* Jockey shorts cover an ass
less embarrassingly. /(Duncan Stevens) /

*Jockey shorts* are like *Sean Spicer doing the tango: *With both, you
might report “crowded ballroom.”/(Joe Neff, Warrington, Pa.)/



// *Jockey shorts* and *hand-marke* *d ballots:* Chad won’t be hanging
in either. /(Frank Osen; Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) /



*Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets* and *bedbugs: *More people are
comfortable admitting they have bedbugs. /(Frank Osen) /

The difference between *bedbugs *and *John Bolton’s mustache: *One makes
you look away in pure revulsion, and the other can be treated by using a
dryer with a high heat setting. /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.) /

*Bedbugs* and *the 50,000 people of Greenland:* Bedbugs will have
somewhere to live in 30 years. /(Duncan Stevens) /

*Fifty-yard-line Redskins tickets *and *Will Shortz:* With the tickets,
you end up with a lot of crass words./(Mike Gips)/

*Avocado toast: *“Yum!” — Millennials. *Bedbugs:* “Yum!
Millennials!”/(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) /

How*John Bolton’s mustache *is different from *bedbugs:* Mar-a-Lago
guests still report seeing bedbugs./(Steve Smith; Larry McClemons,
Annandale, Va.) /



The difference between *avocado toas*t and *Russian dressing: *Donald
Trump didn’t go backstage at the Miss Universe pageant in Moscow to see
avocado toast. (/Jesse Frankovich)/

*A dot matrix printer* and *a hard Brexit:* The printer actually has
some resolution./(Mike Gips) /

*Still running — deadline also Oct. 14: our contest for timely Halloween
contest ideas — or photos of actual new costumes. See
wapo.st/invite1351. *