Style Invitational Week 1349: Revise and extend these remarks

Playing with the Congressional Record; plus winning fake trivia
about food

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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September 12

(Click here to skip down <#report> to this week’s winning food fictoids)

*/Quote from the Congressional Record:
/ The Chair recognizes the gentleman from Georgia.*
/Question it might answer:/ “ Yo, La-Z-Boy, who do you think left those
peach pits and pork rinds in your cushions?

*A. The Chair recognizes the gentleman from Georgia.*
Q. “Hey, Mr. Chairman, do you know who I am with this shoe polish on my

As Congress returned to “work” a few days ago after its summer recess,
we thought it a good time to check in. This week’s contest — a variant
on our perennial Questionable Journalism challenge — was suggested by
the Empress’s Royal Consort, whose job often calls for him to nod off
while trying to peruse the Congressional Record, the daily transcript
(with substantial revisions and additions) of each day’s proceedings in
the House and Senate.

In our less than perfectly transparent federal government, we do have
the ability to read the CR online, via a searchable PDF file for each
day’s sessions. *This week’s contest: Go to *and click on the PDF for any day’s
Congressional Record — House, Senate or the whole thing, or the Daily
Digest; *choose any sentence (or substantial part of one) and write a
question that it could answer,* as in the examples above. Please note
which transcript you’re using (and its date) so that the E could search
for your sentence, were she so inclined. You may use any line in the
whole document, even the bogus “revise and extend my remarks” fluff that
the members add to please some constituent group or another.

Submit up to 25 entries at *
* (no capitals in the Web address).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a highbrow — in
the sense that you put it high on your brow — game called *Poop Hoop.
*This fine product distinguishes itself from other
basketball-net-on-head games in two ways: (a) People toss not little
foam basketballs but “poop emoji balls;” and (b) there’s a little toilet
seat you can lower onto the net’s rim to increase the poo-toss challenge
(of course the two positions are labeled “No. 1” and “No. 2”). If your
boss has been lamenting, “Our office is entirely too dignified and
professional,” you’ll have an immediate remedy to offer, you brown-nose.
Donated by Marleen May.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday, Sept. 23;* results published
Oct. 13 in print, Oct. 10 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
“Gulp Fiction” was submitted by both Tom Witte and Jon Gearhart; Duncan
Stevens wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style
Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational *The Empress's weekly online column, published
late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of results.
Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*In*Week 1345,* The Style Invitational
continued its campaign of bad-journalist disinformation with some food

4th place:

Before the late 20th century, *heirloom tomatoes* were called “deformed
tomatoes.” /(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis) /

3rd place:

If a regular basketball hoop on your head seems too serious, we have
this week's second prize.

In Aramaic,*“manna”* means “bird poop.”/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

2nd place

and the‘Brussel Sprout Puffs’

*Baby carrots *must be at least eight weeks old before they are
harvested away from adult carrots. (/Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.) /

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Pickled beef tongue can taste you back. * /(Byron Hoover, Stafford,
Va., a First Offender)/

Nom-nom-nominees: Honorable mentions

*McDonald’s top-selling burger in Europe* is the .1134 Kiloer. /(Mike
Phillips, Washington) /

*Trump Steaks* failed because of the difficulty in pairing them with the
proper ketchup. /(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) /

The word “*cafeteria”* originated as a combination of “cafe” and
“diarrhea.”/(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.)/

*LaCroix *is French for “the faucet.”/(J. Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)/

After eating a slice of *American pie,* most people are happy for a
while. /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) /

*An apple a day *does indeed keep the doctor away if accurately thrown.
/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) /

*Cauliflower* is actually a form of whitened broccoli; its distinct
flavor is caused by the bleach./(Barrett Swink, Gainesville, Va.)/

Consumer advocates have filed suit to force growers of *Red Delicious
apples* to change the variety’s name to Red. /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna,
Va.) /

In 2016, Ben & Jerry’s across the South sold a *special-edition ice
cream flavor *named Butter Emails. /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) /

*In England, Lay’s Potato Chips *are called Shag’s Crisps. /(Bill Dorner)/

In the *Southern Hemisphere, * *upside-down cake *is called
right-side-up cake. /(Ben Aronin, Washington)/

Also in the *Southern Hemisphere, M & M’s *are called W & W’s. /(Dean
Alterman, Lake Oswego, Ore.)/

Inspired by the*Imperfect Produce *delivery service, trendy restaurants
are opening with such names as Crappy Value, Interminable Wait, and Tiny
Portions./(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)/

Nabisco created what would become its *biggest-selling cookie *in honor
of chef John Oreo, who in 1912 was tragically squashed between two
manhole covers./(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.) /

Scientists are working on*Impossible Tofu,* an all-meat product for
people on a paleo diet. /(Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)/

The easiest way to tell the *difference between bison and buffalo* is
that bison don’t have wings./(Hildy Zampella)/

There’s really only a*single fruitcake joke *in the world, and people
keep telling it back and forth. /(Sam Mertens)/

A *new interrogation method *at Guantanamo involves feeding a suspect a
single potato chip. /(Eric Nelkin, Silver Spring, Md.)/

At a *state dinner in Moscow,* President Trump most enjoyed the serving
of Russian chickpeas. /(Ryan Martinez, Takoma Park, Md.)/

*Bacon* is actually made entirely out of plants. No, really, it is. —
Vegetarians /(Terry Reimer, Frederick, Md.) /

Biblical historians have now determined that *Lot’s wife* was actually
turned into an anchovy. /(Rick Haynes, Ocean City, Md.) /

Long ago, *cocaine* used to contain Coca-Cola. /(Byron Hoover) /

*In Canada, *it’s customary for waitstaff to tip customers as a way to
thank them for dining there. /(Neal Starkman, Seattle)/

The German word /Oktober/ translates to “over eight,” which is why
attendees at *Munich’s Oktoberfest *are each expected to drink nine
bottles of beer./(Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.) /

In the Australian Outback, a quick *substitute for Vegemite *is
sometimes made by mixing yeast extract with axle grease. /(Dave Letizia,
Pinehurst, N.C.)/

Ben & Jerry’s *Chunky Monkey *ice cream is actually 30 percent baboon.
/(Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)/

Also, *ladyfingers* contain 92 percent lady, but only 17 percent
fingers. /(Matt Monitto, Bristol, Conn.)/

Many older French people are still miffed that *vichyssoise *pairs just
a bit too well with Rhine wine. /(Brendan Beary) /

McDonald’s has developed a *genetically modified chicken* that is
notable for its oversize nuggets./(David Stonner, Washington)/

Most mass-produced *pumpkin spice flavorings* include proprietary ratios
of nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, crack cocaine and ground cloves.
/(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station, Va.)/

The*Maxwell House*
Hotel in
Nashville has never hosted a Seder. /(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.) /

There are more *Denny’s restaurants* than people actually named Denny.
/(Michael Schwartz, Montgomery Village, Md., a First Offender)/

Sales of*B & M Baked Beans *quadrupled after the brand added the
ampersand/. (Larry Yungk, Wyoming, Ohio)/

Inspired by the song *“Yankee Doodle,”* American colonists often wore
pasta in their hats./(Duncan Stevens)/

Studies have shown that *not eating your vegetables *is a leading cause
of not growing up tall and strong like Daddy. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle)/

The best*spaghetti bushes *grow in the Spaghi Region of Italy, on the
Adriatic Coast. /(Tanja Cilia, Santa Venera, Malta) /

Eating large quantities of fast food every day provides enough
*retina-thickening cholesterol *to allow you to** *look directly at a
solar eclipse * *.* /**
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /

After the FTC challenged its health claims,*Rice-a-Roni
* had to shorten its
original slogan: “The San Francisco Treatment for Constipation.” /(Larry

The *soup-and-sandwich combo *was invented in 1763 by the Earl of
Soupandsandwich. /(Jesse Frankovich) /

There is *no documented evidence *that anyone in the United States has
ever accidentally slipped on a banana peel. /(Rick Haynes) /

While the*Pilgrims’ first Thanksgiving *with local Wampanoag tribe did
not feature turkey, it did include copious amounts of waterfowl,
venison, lobster, berries, squash and fortune cookies. /(Chris Murphy,
Germantown, Md.) /

**The street name for *quaaludes* in Philadelphia is“pudding pops.”
/(Kevin Dopart)/

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Sept. 16: our perennial
compare/contrast contest.
. *