Style Invitational Week 1345: The confaketionary — food fictoids

Tell us some bogus gastronomic trivia. Plus winning portmanteau
words from Week 1341.

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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August 15

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning portmanteau words)

*Neil Armstrong hated Tang.* /(Russell Beland)/

*The act of eating celery burns more calories than it contains.* /(Chris

*In Switzerland, it’s American cheese that’s sold with holes in it.*
/(Mike Hammer)/

*Before World War II, Almond Joy candy bars contained real joy.*
/(Russell Beland)/

Because there simply is not enough misinformation in the world about
this subject, our latest bogus-trivia contest concerns one of the
Empress’s favorite subjects: *This week: Tell us some comically false
“fact” about food, drink or dining, * as in the examples above from our
general bogus-trivia contest back in 2007.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, apropos of this
contest, an especially handsome hardcover book called*“The Book of
Random Oddities
*which focuses mostly on odd words and fascinating word origins.
Presumably these aren’t fictoids and are pretty much truoids. Donated by
Duncan Stevens. And also apropos of this contest, we’ll throw in a bag
of a snack called *“Brussel Sprout Puffs,”* which probably aren’t as bad
as they sound, but still. They are not puffy sprouts, it turns out, but
instead contain (correctly spelled this time) “Brussels sprout powder.”
Donated by Loser Daphne Steinberg.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, Aug. 26; *results
published Sept. 15 in print, Sept. 12 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Kevin Dopart; Chris Doyle wrote
the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

*The Style Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week’s new contest and
results. Check out this week’s at .

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In*Week 1341 * the Empress asked for new
portmanteau words, in which two words are mashed together, along with a
description of the result. Because she did this contest years ago with
words beginning with certain letters, this week’s words had to begin
with E through R. Which means no magnet for Marli Melton for
“*Chrysanthemummy: *The gift plant I’ve forgotten to water since last

4th place:

*Exterminature: *The EPA’s new rallying cry. . /(Jonathan Jensen,
Baltimore) /

Even with just one Brussel, these snacks might be totally tasty. If you
win them, let us know. (

3rd place:

*Quacknowledgment: *Inconspicuous disclaimer on a suspect supplement.
“Gargling with Dr. Zo’s fermented yak urine is not intended to treat,
cure or prevent any disease.”/(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /

2nd place and the "0.0" non-marathon auto decal

** *Forty-Fivan the Terrible: *The worst leader Russia ever installed.
/(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)/

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

Random oddity: In the Civil War, a "Quaker gun" was a tree trunk made to
look like a cannon.

*Muellerotica:* "If we had confidence that the earth did not move or
that an explosion did not erupt through her as every cell in her body
screamed 'Yes!' we would have said so."/(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)/

Nitwitticisms: Honorable mentions

*Eclair de lune: *A midnight snack. /(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax Station,

*Electrickle: * The rate at which your phone charges when you’re in a
hurry. (/Kyle Hendrickson, Frederick, Md.)/

*Epidermisery: *The zit you got on the day of the prom. /(Mark Raffman,
Reston, Va.)/

*Erratatas: *“I said I wanted them D-CUP size, not TEACUP size!”
/(Danielle Nowlin)/

*Esophagusto: *The verve of enthusiasm that produces a world-class
belch. “Dad announced his presence with great esophagusto.” /(Jesse

*Frenchilada: *A crepe topped with /fromage, sauce tomate/ and a sneer.
/(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.; Mark Raffman)/

*Fubarista: *Starbucks employee who never gets your order right. /(Frank
Mullen III, Aledo, Ill.)/

*Garbagel:* A bagel not from New York. — Every New Yorker /(Rivka
Liss-Levinson, Washington)/

*Geronimoron: *A bungee jumper who forgets the cord. /(Gregory Koch,
Falls Church, Va.)/

*Glamphibian: *An elegant swamp-dweller. “Touring the detention facility
in satin jodhpurs, the Cabinet secretary’s wife looked positively
glamphibious.” /(Frank Osen)/

*Gonadvertising: *Posting pictures of your junk. /(Jane Pacelli,
Annandale, Va.)/

*Gorillama:* A 300-pound tree-dwelling camelid of South America that not
only spits in your face but throws poop in it, too. /(Bird Waring,
Larchmont, N.Y.)/

*Gryffindork:* Anyone over 16 dressed in Harry Potter regalia. /(Mark

*G-Spotify:* Now offering unlimited streaming of Barry White songs.
/(Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)/

*Halfalfa: *What miniature horses eat./(Ben Aronin, Washington)/

*HastyFreeze:* What happens to your brain when you scarf down the last
of the ice cream rather than share it with your spouse who’s pulling up
in the driveway. /(Mike Burch, Nashville)/

*Hempiricism: *The insistence on actually testing the medical claims for
CBD. Also known as buzzkill. /(Stuart Anderson, Seattle, a First Offender)/

*Hindquartermaster: *That pain-in-the-neck in charge of the office
supply room./(Chris Damm, Charles Town, W.Va.) /

*Instagramps:* Polaroid-sharing app. /(Frank Mullen III)/

*Interimbecile: * The fill-in numskull who botches things up until a
permanent idiot can be found to ruin everything./(Frank Mann, Washington)/

*Jackassuredness:* The dominant trait of that braggart at the bar.
/(Chris Murphy, Germantown, Md., a First Offender) /

*LeBrontë: *Author of “6-8 Heights” and “Jane Eyre Ball.”/(Jesse Rifkin,
Arlington, Va.) /

*Legislatortoise: *A lawmaker who slow-walks bills. “McConnell is
Congress’s leading legislatortoise.” /(Jesse Frankovich; Chris Doyle) /

*Lethargymnastics: *Turning over on the couch to get the remote. /(Jesse
Frankovich) /

*Maledictionary:* Glossary of terms used by the president about
Democrats, immigrants, the media and Rosie O’Donnell. /(Mark Raffman) /

*Malapropaganda: *Trump’s stirring speech about George Washington’s army
taking over the airports. /(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

*Marathong: *A sumo uniform. /(Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va.) /

*Marvelousy:* How to describe a film with great special effects and
horrible plot and acting. /(Stuart Anderson)/

*Mastodonald: *Weird-haired beast previously thought to be extinct,
currently masquerading as an elephant. /(Maggie Haring, Leesburg, Va.)/

*Mastiffany: *A humongous engagement diamond. /(Beverley Sharp,
Montgomery, Ala.)/

*Milkshakespearean: *Someone who insists that Hamlet has to be white
because he’s Danish. /(Stuart Anderson)/

*Nemesisterhood: * To Trump, the Squad./(Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.) /

*Newscasterisk: *The scrolling banner at the bottom of the screen
stating the truth vs. what the president just said. /(Rob Cohen,
Potomac, Md.) /

*Normalodorous:* Reflecting a level of corruption and greed that isn’t
noteworthy anymore. “Cabinet members steering cash to family members is
just the new normalodorous.”/(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.) /

*Partisanctimony:* The righteous attitude of those smug bastards on the
other side of the political spectrum. /(Jesse Frankovich)/

*Pediatrickery: *“You’ll just feel a little sting, sweetie, and then
Nurse Ratched will give you a sticker.” /(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)/

*Peekabooboo: *A wardrobe malfunction. /(Frank Osen)/

*Persisterhood: *Warren Women. (/Maggie Haring)/

*Pooperfume:* A scent so awful that they should have called it Chanel
No. 2./(Chris Doyle)/

*Pundittos:* A whole panel of cable news talking heads all saying the
same thing. /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)/

*Purgency: *The suddenness with which the toll of an all-night binge
hits. /(Sam Mertens, Silver Spring, Md.)/

*Randomicile: *The result of your 4-year-old helping to put things away.
(/Jeff Hazle, San Antonio)/

*Refrigerater:* Consumer Reports’ coldest critic. /(Lawrence McGuire,
Waldorf, Md.)/

*/And Last: /Empressentials: *Must not have been published before, must
rhyme flawlessly, yada yada yada . . . /(Chuck Helwig, Centreville, Va.)/

/And Even Laster: / *Kvetchotchkes: *Swag so crummy that you complain
about getting it. Like Style Invitational “prizes.” /(Brett Dimaio,
Cumberland, Md., who clearly doesn’t need a magnet)/

*Still running — deadline Monday night, Aug. 19: Our Limerixicon contest
for limericks featuring a word beginning “gr-.” See

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