Style Invitational Week 1340: Not-ables — slightly change a famous name

Plus our winning double-entendre quotes — yup, that’s what she said

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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July 11

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning double-entendres)

*George Washingmachine: Earliest master of political spin. *

*Genghis Yes-We-Khan: The Barbarity of Hope.*

*Confusius: “By three methods we may learn wisdom: reflection,
imitation, and . . . oops . . . ”*

**This week’s contest, suggested by 400-time Loser Gary Crockett, is
inspired by a recent panel
of Scott Hilburn’s
clever comic “The Argyle Sweater” (see it on Titled
“Least-Remembered Historical Figures,” it features a series of cartoons
depicting such unluminaries as “Copernicuss” (“&#%$@ planets!”), “Gen.
George Custodian” (“They left a mess at Little Big Horn”) and
“Aristattle” (ancient Greek kid yelling, “I’m telling Mom!”). *This
week: Slightly alter the name (make sure the original is obvious) of a
famous personage — past or present, real or fictional — and describe the
resulting nonpersonage, or offer a quote from that person, or both, *as
in the examples above.

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a fine pair of
*Sandal Sox* — white socks with a buckling-sandal motif on top, so you
can get the dorky-dad socks-with-sandals look without even wearing
shoes. In fact, wearing shoes will totally hide the effect. Donated by
Joke Dad Jeff Contompasis.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de) Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, July 22; *results
published Aug. 11 in print, Aug. 8 online. See general contest rules and
guidelines at . The headline
for this week’s results is by Mark Raffman; Jesse Frankovich wrote the
honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees
group on Facebook at / ./ “Like”
the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at /;
/ follow @StyleInvite
on Twitter.

***** * The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses the week’s new contest and
results. Check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**In *Week 1336* the Empress gave you a list
of various situations — including the ever-popular “in bed” — and asked
you to suggest something one might say in any two of those situations.
That the double-entendres were required to be printable, even by the
taste standards of the Invitational, ruled out a sizable fraction of the
entries; hence none of the many jokes about “openings” (job
interview/bed) or “eat” or “bone.” Less graphically, there were just too
many “meatball” entries for Trump/Ikea, or “Let’s cut this short” for
haircut/Trump. Still, we offer you these:

4th place:

*Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed: * *
*“So we’re a bit short-staffed tonight, are we?” /(Lawrence McGuire,
Waldorf, Md.) /

Socks-with-sandals without sandals: This week's second prize.
3rd place:

*Something you could say both at Ikea and when President Trump visits
your country:
*“My God, that orange rug is hideous.” /(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) /

2nd place and
the yuckily named
personal-care items

*Something you could say both at a restaurant and in bed:
*“You gonna finish that?”/(Kevin Dopart, Washington) /

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*Something you could say both at a restaurant and when Trump visits your
*"Can we get it to go?" /(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.) /

Nixed doubles: Honorable mentions

*At Ikea and at a doctor’s office:* “This is the oddest-looking stool
I’ve ever seen.” /(Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.; Bill Dorner,
Indianapolis; Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)/

*Getting a haircut and when Trump visits your country:*
“Ow, my ears!” /(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)/

*At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:*
“This nut here seems to be useless.” /(Dave Ferry, Purvis, Miss.)/

“Wow, what a huge glass bowl!” /(Duncan Stevens)/

*At Ikea and in bed: *
“I don’t know — those drawers are really sticky.” /(Frank Osen)/

“Huh, it looked much bigger on the website.” /(Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.) /

“I’ll pay cash on the dresser.” /(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.) /

*At a job interview and a restaurant:
*“I always give 118 percent.” /(Greg Dobbins, Boynton Beach, Fla.)/

*At a restaurant and a doctor’s office:*
“Now which of you has the crabs?” /(Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.) /

*During a haircut and in a job interview: *
“I like to take a little off the top — not so much that anyone would
notice.” /(Roy Ashley, Washington) /

*At a job interview and in bed: *
“You’re on my ‘short’ list.” /(Tom Witte) /

“What types of entry-level positions are you open to?”/(Kevin Dopart) /

*On a game show and in a job interview:*
“Wheel-spinning is my specialty, Bob.”/(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.) /

*At a restaurant and when Trump visits your country:*
“We need to send back this spoiled turkey.” /(Duncan Stevens) /

*When Trump visits your country and in bed:*
“These giant inflatables are a lot of fun.”/(Jeff Shirley, Richmond, Va.) /

“Ít helps to close my eyes and think of Obama.”/(Mark Raffman) /

*On a game show and at the doctor:*
“And the actual retail price is . . . $23,981!”/(Rivka Liss-Levinson,
Washington) /

*On a game show and when Trump visits your country: *
“The tribe has spoken: Pack your bags and leave the island.”/(Luke
Baker, Columbia, Md.) /

*At a doctor’s office and in a job interview:*
“Should I leave my underwear on?” /(Mark Calandra, Wenham, Mass.) /

*At a doctor’s office and when Trump visits your country: *
“Is it serious?” /(Dan Helming, Trenton, N.J.)/

“Don’t worry, the headache and irritation are common but
temporary.”/(John Hutchins, Silver Spring, Md.)/

*At Ikea and when Trump visits your country:*
“What are we supposed to do with this tool?” /(Rob Huffman,
Fredericksburg, Va.)/

*During a haircut and in bed: *“Could we try that gel again? It worked
pretty well last time.” /(Diane Lucitt, Ellicott City, Md.)/

“Now that there’s less to work with, let’s try doing it every six weeks
instead of once a month.” /(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)/

“You always make the bangs too short.” /(Jon Ketzner, Cumberland, Md.,
William Kennard, Arlington)/

*At a supermarket and among Style Invitational Losers:* “Ugh, these
lines are awful!” /(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.) /

*Among Style Invitational Losers and in bed: *
“You may not exceed 25 entries in one week.” /(Steve Honley, Washington;
Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.)/

“Want to see my little cannon?” /(Frank Mann, Washington)/

“I don’t CARE if Jesse Frankovich can do it eight times in a week!” /(J.
Larry Schott, West Plains, Mo.)/

“You will call me Empress, Loser. And if you want any of my favors, you
must first submit.” /(Seth Tucker, Washington) /

*Among Style Invitational Losers and when Trump comes to your country:
*“I can’t believe/that /stupid thing won!” /(Neal Starkman, Seattle) /

*Still running — deadline is also July 22: our contest for song parodies
about modern woes. See . *

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