Style Invitational Week 1336: Two ways about it — a double-entendre

Plus the winning acrostic limericks — and yes, a few spell out T-R-U

(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers

Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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June 13

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning acrostic limericks)

/What’s something that could be said both *among Style Invitational
Losers* and*in bed? * /

*“That’s okay, there’s always next week.” *(Ward Kay)

*“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”* (Jesse Frankovich)

*“You’d better hurry up — the deadline is midnight Monday.”* (Elden

*“I like it best with the horses.”* (Michelle Stupak)

*“Not bad, but you’re no Jesse Frankovich.”* (Jesse Frankovich)

This week’s contest was suggested by Loser Alex Blackwood, who helps the
Empress out enormously in the Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook as co-admin. Alex posited the question
above to the Devotees a few days ago, generating a long string of
double-entendres including the ones above.

Which got her thinking: What if we made a mix-and-match contest with a
bunch of other situations as well? *This week: What’s something
(printable) you could say in /two/ — or more — of these situations: *

*●In bed*
*●On a game show*
*●At the supermarket*
*●During a haircut*
*●At a restaurant*
*●At Ikea*
*●At a doctor’s office*
*●In a job interview*
*●When Donald Trump visits your country*
*●Among Style Invitational Losers* **

Submit entries at *
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a *Loser Personal
Care Three-Pack,* featuring a trio of perfectly normal toiletries with
perfectly Loserly juvenile names: Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, which is plain
old zinc oxide rash ointment; Anti Monkey Butt, which is talcum powder
and some calamine; and Moco de Gorila, or Gorilla Snot, which is of
course hair gel. The Snot was donated by Valerie Holt; Elden Carnahan
offered up the other two.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de)Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, June 24; *results
published July 14 in print, July 11 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at . The
headline for this week’s results is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp
wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at /
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .


**Whoa,*Week 1332 *proved more daunting than
I’d expected; writing limericks that are both flawless and funny is hard
enough — and then there was the extra challenge that they be acrostics:
that the first letter of each line spelled out a pertinent word or name.

But you know: the Losers. They’re good.

4th place:

Also known as rash ointment, talcum powder and hair gel: This week’s
second prize.

*P*ut his principles off to the side;
*E*nthused, he accepted the ride.
*N*o big deal that the Don
*C*heats and lies — I’ll still fawn!”
*E*mbarrassing, dude. Have some pride.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

*T*o the White House: good day from Block C!
*R*eally loving Cell 143,
*U*ndisturbed and at ease,
*M*y . . . achoo! Did I sneeze?
*P*ardon me, Mr. Prez, pardon me.
— P. Manafort, U.S. Penitentiary (Duncan Stevens)

2nd place and themug with a ceramic rattlesnake head inside

*T*here now is a man (you know who)
*W*ho pours out his heart on the loo
*E*ach grudge he has held —
*E*mphatic, misspelled —
*T*he musings of Whiny the Pooh.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*C*ory B., Kirsten G., Harris, more:
*R*yan, Sanders, in all twenty-four!
*O*'Rourke, Warren, Biden,
*W*ill the field even widen? . . .
*D*on't DARE, Hillary. Nope. Yeah, we're sure.
(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

'Rick pshaws: Honorable mentions

*T*o the Prez: May I come by for tea?
*R*ight there in the White House we’ll be;
*U*ndisturbed, we will savor
*M*ugs of brew . . . hmmm, what flavor?
*P*each and mint would be perfect for me. — E. Warren, U.S. Senate
(Duncan Stevens)

*B*aseball fans and the sport’s cognoscenti
*R*eally thought he already made plenty.
*Y*et he signed with the Phils — *
C*lose to 300 mills —
*E*ven though he is hitting .220.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston; since this was written, Harper is back up to .251)

*D*isqualified! My life’s ambition —
*E*questrian race competition —
*R*uined now: went astray,
*B*umped a pal; now they say:
*Y*our next Derby is tagged “Demolition.” — Maximum Security, Stable B
(Duncan Stevens)

*B*ody language? I read it like Braille,
*I*’ll just nuzzle your hair and inhale.
*D*onald’s term has been strange,
*E*nd it now, make a change!
*N*ominate me — old handsy white male.
(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*A *POTUS with all the right stuff!
*H*ow on earth can we praise him enough?
*O*h, what a rare bird!
*L*et’s now find a word
*E*voking him . . . /that’s/ not so tough.
(Brian Allgar, Paris)

*P*ush the button and watch him say “YES!”
*E*very “Donald” begins with “God bless.”
*N*ot a robot, but wired
*’C*ause he knows what’s required:*
E*ating up all the president’s mess.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

*N*o-nonsense Pelosi is known
*A*s the one who makes Trump look half-grown.
*N*ancy sets him down hard,
*C*atching Donnie off guard.
*Y*ou can tell she’s had kids of her own.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

*“N*orth Korea is now our good friend!
*U*gly threats are no longer the trend.
*K*im Jong Un (have you heard?)
*E*ven gave me his word,
*S*o I’m /sure/ all that testing will end.” — D.T.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*C*ome and join me for dinner today!
*H*ave a lobster, foie gras, a filet!
*E*ven though it’s a date —
*A*nd it’s gonna be great! —
*P*erhaps you could offer to pay?
(Beverley Sharp)

*G*osh darnit, Excel closed the sheet
*A*nd then froze. Once again I repeat
*T*he third-finger salute,
*E*nd a task, and reboot.
*S*ick and tired of CTRL-ALT-DEL.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*I* can speak out, but nobody hears
*O*nly cornstalks (because they have ears)
*W*hoa, it’s pols without end!
*A*nd each one my best friend.
*N*o, really! Well, every four years.
(Gary Crockett)

*F*ound on beach making sculptures obscene;
*L*aundered cash in a washing machine;
*M*ade some meth, stole a boat,
*A*te his ex-wife’s pet goat;
*N*ow in prison for 10 to 15.
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*L*et others seek Pulitzer Prizes;
*O*ur aim, for which each of us vies, is
*S*ome new blots of ink —
*E*mpress says we don’t stink! —
*R*ejoicing in crap she supplies us.
(Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

*P*at possesses a sizable case
*R*ich in trinkets that reek of disgrace.
*I*f you don’t have enough
*Z*ero-usefulness stuff,
*E*nter something that takes second place!
(Jesse Frankovich)

*S*o I think I might know how to rhyme
*T*errifically clever this time
*Y*et it stalls about here —
*L*assitude, dude — it’s clear:
*E*veryone’s better than I’m.
(Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)

*M*ay her praises be intergalactic;
*Y*es, extol her in phrases didactic!
*E*ndless kudos proclaim,
*R*aise her glorious name!
*S*ucking up is my favorite tactic.
(David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.)

/And last:
/ *R*eally /tough/ Invitational week:
*H*alf acrostic, half limerick — eek!
*Y*et I’ll take on this onus
*M*eta theme: “And Last” bonus?
*E*mpress, see how I followed all rules?
(Hildy Zampella)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, June 17: our contest for poems
based on words in this year’s National Spelling Bee. See *

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