Style Invitational Week 1336: Two ways about it — a double-entendre
contest



Plus the winning acrostic limericks — and yes, a few spell out T-R-U
...


(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers


Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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June 13

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning acrostic limericks)

/What’s something that could be said both *among Style Invitational
Losers* and*in bed? * /

*“That’s okay, there’s always next week.” *(Ward Kay)

*“That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!”* (Jesse Frankovich)

*“You’d better hurry up — the deadline is midnight Monday.”* (Elden
Carnahan)

*“I like it best with the horses.”* (Michelle Stupak)

*“Not bad, but you’re no Jesse Frankovich.”* (Jesse Frankovich)

This week’s contest was suggested by Loser Alex Blackwood, who helps the
Empress out enormously in the Style Invitational Devotees group on
Facebook as co-admin. Alex posited the question
above to the Devotees a few days ago, generating a long string of
double-entendres including the ones above.

Which got her thinking: What if we made a mix-and-match contest with a
bunch of other situations as well? *This week: What’s something
(printable) you could say in /two/ — or more — of these situations: *

*●In bed*
*●On a game show*
*●At the supermarket*
*●During a haircut*
*●At a restaurant*
*●At Ikea*
*●At a doctor’s office*
*●In a job interview*
*●When Donald Trump visits your country*
*●Among Style Invitational Losers* **

Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1336
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives a *Loser Personal
Care Three-Pack,* featuring a trio of perfectly normal toiletries with
perfectly Loserly juvenile names: Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, which is plain
old zinc oxide rash ointment; Anti Monkey Butt, which is talcum powder
and some calamine; and Moco de Gorila, or Gorilla Snot, which is of
course hair gel. The Snot was donated by Valerie Holt; Elden Carnahan
offered up the other two.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de)Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, June 24; *results
published July 14 in print, July 11 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The
headline for this week’s results is by Jesse Frankovich; Beverley Sharp
wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the lively Style Invitational
Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

**The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column,
published late Thursday afternoon, discusses each new contest and set of
results. Especially if you plan to enter, check it out at
wapo.st/styleconv
.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*HA FIVES: ACROSTIC LIMERICKS FROM WEEK 1332*

**Whoa,*Week 1332 *proved more daunting than
I’d expected; writing limericks that are both flawless and funny is hard
enough — and then there was the extra challenge that they be acrostics:
that the first letter of each line spelled out a pertinent word or name.

But you know: the Losers. They’re good.

4th place:

Also known as rash ointment, talcum powder and hair gel: This week’s
second prize.

*P*ut his principles off to the side;
*E*nthused, he accepted the ride.
*N*o big deal that the Don
*C*heats and lies — I’ll still fawn!”
*E*mbarrassing, dude. Have some pride.
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

3rd place:

*T*o the White House: good day from Block C!
*R*eally loving Cell 143,
*U*ndisturbed and at ease,
*M*y . . . achoo! Did I sneeze?
*P*ardon me, Mr. Prez, pardon me.
— P. Manafort, U.S. Penitentiary (Duncan Stevens)

2nd place and themug with a ceramic rattlesnake head inside
:


*T*here now is a man (you know who)
*W*ho pours out his heart on the loo
*E*ach grudge he has held —
*E*mphatic, misspelled —
*T*he musings of Whiny the Pooh.
(Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*C*ory B., Kirsten G., Harris, more:
*R*yan, Sanders, in all twenty-four!
*O*'Rourke, Warren, Biden,
*W*ill the field even widen? . . .
*D*on't DARE, Hillary. Nope. Yeah, we're sure.
(Hildy Zampella, Alexandria, Va.)

'Rick pshaws: Honorable mentions

*T*o the Prez: May I come by for tea?
*R*ight there in the White House we’ll be;
*U*ndisturbed, we will savor
*M*ugs of brew . . . hmmm, what flavor?
*P*each and mint would be perfect for me. — E. Warren, U.S. Senate
(Duncan Stevens)

*B*aseball fans and the sport’s cognoscenti
*R*eally thought he already made plenty.
*Y*et he signed with the Phils — *
C*lose to 300 mills —
*E*ven though he is hitting .220.
(Dave Zarrow, Reston; since this was written, Harper is back up to .251)

*D*isqualified! My life’s ambition —
*E*questrian race competition —
*R*uined now: went astray,
*B*umped a pal; now they say:
*Y*our next Derby is tagged “Demolition.” — Maximum Security, Stable B
(Duncan Stevens)

*B*ody language? I read it like Braille,
*I*’ll just nuzzle your hair and inhale.
*D*onald’s term has been strange,
*E*nd it now, make a change!
*N*ominate me — old handsy white male.
(Bill Dorner, Indianapolis)

*A *POTUS with all the right stuff!
*H*ow on earth can we praise him enough?
*O*h, what a rare bird!
*L*et’s now find a word
*E*voking him . . . /that’s/ not so tough.
(Brian Allgar, Paris)

*P*ush the button and watch him say “YES!”
*E*very “Donald” begins with “God bless.”
*N*ot a robot, but wired
*’C*ause he knows what’s required:*
E*ating up all the president’s mess.
(Frank Mann, Washington)

*N*o-nonsense Pelosi is known
*A*s the one who makes Trump look half-grown.
*N*ancy sets him down hard,
*C*atching Donnie off guard.
*Y*ou can tell she’s had kids of her own.
(Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

*“N*orth Korea is now our good friend!
*U*gly threats are no longer the trend.
*K*im Jong Un (have you heard?)
*E*ven gave me his word,
*S*o I’m /sure/ all that testing will end.” — D.T.
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

*C*ome and join me for dinner today!
*H*ave a lobster, foie gras, a filet!
*E*ven though it’s a date —
*A*nd it’s gonna be great! —
*P*erhaps you could offer to pay?
(Beverley Sharp)

*G*osh darnit, Excel closed the sheet
*A*nd then froze. Once again I repeat
*T*he third-finger salute,
*E*nd a task, and reboot.
*S*ick and tired of CTRL-ALT-DEL.
(Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

*I* can speak out, but nobody hears
*O*nly cornstalks (because they have ears)
*W*hoa, it’s pols without end!
*A*nd each one my best friend.
*N*o, really! Well, every four years.
(Gary Crockett)

*F*ound on beach making sculptures obscene;
*L*aundered cash in a washing machine;
*M*ade some meth, stole a boat,
*A*te his ex-wife’s pet goat;
*N*ow in prison for 10 to 15.
(Jesse Frankovich, Grand Ledge, Mich.)

*L*et others seek Pulitzer Prizes;
*O*ur aim, for which each of us vies, is
*S*ome new blots of ink —
*E*mpress says we don’t stink! —
*R*ejoicing in crap she supplies us.
(Ann Martin, Brentwood, Md.)

*P*at possesses a sizable case
*R*ich in trinkets that reek of disgrace.
*I*f you don’t have enough
*Z*ero-usefulness stuff,
*E*nter something that takes second place!
(Jesse Frankovich)

*S*o I think I might know how to rhyme
*T*errifically clever this time
*Y*et it stalls about here —
*L*assitude, dude — it’s clear:
*E*veryone’s better than I’m.
(Marli Melton, Carmel Valley, Calif.)

*M*ay her praises be intergalactic;
*Y*es, extol her in phrases didactic!
*E*ndless kudos proclaim,
*R*aise her glorious name!
*S*ucking up is my favorite tactic.
(David Schildkret, Chandler, Ariz.)

/And last:
/ *R*eally /tough/ Invitational week:
*H*alf acrostic, half limerick — eek!
*Y*et I’ll take on this onus
*M*eta theme: “And Last” bonus?
*E*mpress, see how I followed all rules?
(Hildy Zampella)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, June 17: our contest for poems
based on words in this year’s National Spelling Bee. See
wapo.st/invite1335. *

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