Style Invitational Week 1333: Check your (homo)phones

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Invent a word that sounds like another word; plus the winning
Shakespeare ‘tailgaters’


(Bob Staake for The Washington Post)
By Pat Myers

Pat Myers


Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003
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May 23

(Click here to skip down <#report> to the winning Shakespeare “tailgaters”)

*Amfibian: A frog who, after you kiss him, remains a frog. * /(Milo Sauer)/

*Boredello:* A brothel where everyone looks and acts exactly like your
wife./(Dion Black)/

*Eyesickle: *The coldest of stares. /(Michelle Stupak) /

This week we repeat a contest that the Empress ran in 2009 and her
predecessor, the Czar, did in 2002: *Invent a homophone — a word that
sounds the same as an existing word but is spelled differently — * and
define it, as in the examples from Week 849. What is “the same”? Isn’t
that “eye” in “eyesickle” a bit different from the “i” in “icicle? We
rule (as that is what Empresses do) that it’s close enough. Eye-I-ai!

Speaking of quibbles: In both previous contests we referred to these
words as homonyms — which they are, at least according to the Webster’s
New World and Merriam-Webster
dictionaries. But
“homonym” can also refer to a word that has totally different meanings
with the same spelling, like pen (writing implement) and pen (pig
holder). We don’t want those. So here you are, purists: “homophones” it
is. The previous headline “Homonymphomania” is hereby retired.

Submit entries at *wapo.st/enter-invite-1333
* (all lowercase).

Winner gets the *Lose Cannon,

* our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives, perfectly
apropos of this contest, a T-shirt depicting a *“Dali Llama”* — a shaggy
white llama with a big crazy Salvador Dali mustache. /Two /
homophones! Donated at this month’s Loser
brunch by Dave Prevar.

*Other runners-up *win our “You Gotta Play to Lose”
Loser
Mug or our “Whole Fools”

Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser
magnets, “Too-Weak Notice”

or “Certificate of (de)Merit.”

First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener”
(FirStink

for their first ink). *Deadline is Monday night, June 3; *results
published June 23 in print, June 20 online. See general contest rules
and guidelines at wapo.st/InvRules . The
headline for this week’s results is by Chris Doyle; both Beverley Sharp
and Jeff Contompasis submitted the honorable-mentions subhead. Join the
lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at /on.fb.me/invdev
./ “Like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day
on Facebook at /bit.ly/inkofday; / follow
@StyleInvite on Twitter.

***** * The Style *Conversational: *The Empress’s weekly online column
discusses each new contest and set of results. Especially if you plan to
enter, check it out at wapo.st/styleconv
.

And from The Style Invitational four weeks ago . . .

*A BARD HAR DAY: WINNING SHAKESPEARE TAILGATERS*

In *Week 1329 *we asked for Shakespeare
“tailgaters” — rhyming couplets in which you pair a line from the Bard
with one of your own.

4th place:

*“Methinks no face so gracious is as mine”* (Sonnet 62)
*Is my least successful pickup line.* (Pete Morelewicz, Fredericksburg, Va.)


This week's second prize: a two-homophone T-shirt.
3rd place:

*Assume a virtue, if you have it not: *(“Hamlet”)
*“I am the smartest man this country’s got.”* (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)

2nd place and the Shakespearean Insult Gum
:


*That which hath made them drunk hath made me bold *(“Macbeth”)
*Now watch this, if my beer thou wouldst but hold! *(Sam Mertens, Silver
Spring, Md.)

And the winner of the Lose Cannon:

*’Tis not the many oaths that makes the truth; *(“All’s Well That Ends
Well”)
*“Believe me” often signifies fake newth.* (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls
Church, Va.)

Avon culling: Honorable mentions

*Be wise as thou art cruel; do not press* (Sonnet 140)
*To ask if thou seem’st fat in thy new dress. *(Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)

*Is not my sorrow deep, having no bottom?* (“Titus Andronicus”)
*A surgeon botched my buttock lift last autumn.* (Frank Osen, Pasadena,
Calif.)

*My bosom franchised and allegiance clear* (“Macbeth”)
*One-thirty K will make me disappear. — S. Daniels *(Steve Langer, Chevy
Chase, Md.)

*That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain* (“Hamlet”)
*And still enthrall a base of several mill’n.* (Matt Monitto, Bristol,
Conn.)

*What’s done cannot be undone. *(“Macbeth”)
*Till 2021.* (Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore)

*We’ll yoke together, like a double shadow*. (“Henry VI, Part 3”)
*You watch Tucker Carlson; I’ll watch Maddow.* (Chris Doyle)

*“A mess of Russians left us but of late.”* (“Love’s Labour’s Lost”) *
(Don Jr. to his dad, Page 58) * (Frank Osen)

*And, being intercepted in your sport,* (“Titus Andronicus”)
*Is how the R**skins keep their season short*. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

*As cannons overcharged with double cracks* (“Macbeth”)
*Is Boeing’s 737 Max.* (Michael Rolfe, Cape Town, South Africa)

*Come not between the dragon and his wrath: *(“King Lear”)
*As “Game of Thrones” has shown, he’ll kick your ath.* (Craig Dykstra,
Centreville, Va.)

*Do you think the Nats will win two games this week? *(Clifford Fishman,
Rockville, Md.)
*Stones have been known to move, and trees to speak.* (“Macbeth”)

*She’s knitted hats in corals, roses, pinks. *(Danielle Nowlin, Fairfax
Station, Va.)
*The lady doth protest too much, methinks. *(“Hamlet”)

*Get thee to a nunnery.* (“Hamlet”)
*You’re having too much funnery. *(Nancy Della Rovere, Silver Spring, Md.)

*I* **sigh *the lack of many a thing I sought:* (Sonnet 30)
*My keys, phone, wallet, glasses, my last thought.* (Frank Osen)

*Men at some times are masters of their fates *(“Julius Caesar”)
*Unless they live in gerrymandered states.* (Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

*No profit grows where is no pleasure ta’en,* (”The Taming of the Shrew”)
*So all our dishes come with extra ba’on.* (Chris Doyle)

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*O poor Orlando, thou art overthrown! *(“As You Like It”)
*Now China’s built the biggest theme park known. *(Frank Osen)

*One that loved not wisely but too well: *(“Othello”)
*The mother of the Duggars, I’m Michelle*. (Jesse Frankovich, Grand
Ledge, Mich.)

*Against the stormy gusts of winter’s day * (Sonnet 13)
*Trump found no shelter in the NDA.* (Steve Smith, Potomac, Md.)

*Out damned spot! Out I say. *(“Macbeth”) *
You’re loaded with my DNA.* (Bob McKenty, Matawan, N.J., a First Offender)

*“The wise man knows himself to be a fool” * (“As You Like It”)
*Seems something not taught at the Wharton School. *(Jon Ketzner,
Cumberland, Md.)

*This day is called the feast of Crispian *(“Henry V”)
*Perchance we fit a game of Frisbee in. *(Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

*Those parts of thee that the world’s eye doth view: *(Sonnet 69)
*You see, commando cartwheels just won’t do. *(Kevin Dopart)

*So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,* (Sonnet 18)
*Thy drunken Facebook pics will follow thee. * (Melissa Balmain,
Rochester, N.Y.)

*Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown* (“Henry IV, Part 2”)
*Especially when the Novocain wears down.* (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

*If we should fail? We fail! *(“Macbeth”)
*Mom says we’ll still get into Yale. *(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

*The time is out of joint. O cursed spite! *(“Hamlet”)
*I dropped my Rolex in the loo last night. *(Duncan Stevens)

*This Duncan hath borne his faculties so meek *(“Macbeth”)
*And still gets contest ink most every week. *(Chris Doyle)

*I have not slept one wink* (“Cymbeline”)
*And shan’t till Empress grant me . . . zzzzzzzzz* (Dave Zarrow, Reston,
Va.)

*Better a witty fool than a foolish wit, *(“Twelfth Night”)
*But best to be both for the Style Invit. *(Heather Spence, Arlington)

*Most noble empress, you have heard of me?* (“Antony and Cleopatra”)
*I send stuff in, yet ne’er the crap I see. *(Bill Spencer,
Cockeysville, Md.)

*There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. *(“Hamlet”)
*So you think about how this has a perfect meter and an awesome rhyme,
okay? *(Todd DeLap, Fairfax, Va.)

*Still running — deadline Monday night, May 27: our limerick-acrostic
contest. See wapo.st/invite1332 . *

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